bukatyne:
I disagree here...

We all need constant validation/affirmation from loved ones.... that's how we were created; Even God needs constant 'validation'/praise from humans that is why He said He will raise stones to praise Him if humans don't.

Nibo? God has no needs. God needs praise for what exactly?

Human praise does not make Him more God, and neither does a lack of, or unwillingness of humans to praise Him, make Him less God.

The validation, benefits, or emotional well-being and happiness that humans gain from marriage is not akin to, or to be likened to God deserving all praise.


TV

crackhaus:

Lol... It's a factor.

Same way idleness can be another factor, busy women will be too busy to display emotional neediness.

You totally get my point.

Yes, busy women are less likely to display emotional neediness even though being busy does not prevent all women from displaying neediness.
It's rather a matter of satisfaction than business but being busy in a certain way can create a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction, which can set a husband free from the expectation to be the one and only source of validation.

If I respond to this mention, I will possibly be trapped in an endless loop of back and forth argument but since you seem to be in a good mood today, I will answer your questions.

TV01:
Mindfulness! Mindfulness!! Mindfulness!!! How are you . Do you really believe, and more pertinently, practise what you preach? This doesn't even sound right on paper, let alone on grass where the match will actually be played .

First of all, I wouldn't call my contributions here preaching but let's not get lost in semantics.

Even in unions that are not religiously based, the comprehensiveness of marriage means there will be a great deal of meshing and overlap. Finances and emotions are two of the biggest areas here. And, even if the couple don't "take responsibility" per se, they will still be affected by each others individual financial or emotional circumstances.

I agree. Most people depend on their spouse in one way or another and that's often the reason why they face so many challenges.

And while you may not have to forego all "privacy & freedom", there must be a change/reduction, it can no longer be unfettered. Why is that even a bad thing?

It's not a bad thing. I never said it was. All I am saying is that people should be free to have the relationship they desire instead of trying to live up to someone else's expectations.

As for happiness, if 2 individuals, who are totally happy and fulfilled in their own right come together in marriage, it doesn't mean that the 1. the marriage will be happy, or 2. if it is, it's due to the individual happiness of the couple, and more importantly, 3, that the happiness in the marriage is nothing more than their individual states, as that actually begs the question "why marry"?, if true.

If two happy people choose to be together, their happiness will be enhanced and not reduced. Reason enough?

There is a happiness that comes from the convergence, a different or additional happiness, that is not totally dependent or aligned with the individual happiness states of the couple before marriage. And it affects their individual states after.

I agree completely. It's an additional source of happiness but it is not a marriage based on the premise that someone else has to save you from your misery.
Why would you expect another human being to make you happy if you can't do it for yourself? why would anyone have to make two people happy if you can't make one person happy, yourself?

If by happiness you mean "healthy", perhaps, otherwise, I find all this really odd, or I'm totally misreading you?

Please help a broda out


TV

I have seen many relationships in my life. I have seen their beginnings and I have seen their endings. I have seen happy and unhappy unions and I have come to understand that happy and healthy individuals have the happiest and healthiest relationships. I have seen miserable people feeling uplifted by a new relationship to only fall back into their misery few months later and their partners resenting because they placed the burden on them to be their cure and therapy, which they can succeed in for a limited period of time but not forever. It creates an unhealthy imbalance if you expect anyone to take the responisibility for your happiness and it is an inside job.

Have you ever been around negative people for a longer period of time? They can suck the life out of you if you are not stable enough to remain cheerful and nobody can all day every day. I don't wish anyone to be married to such a person.

While it's not easy being single, I will only get married if I meet the right man.

Yieldings:
While it's not easy being single, I will only get married if I meet the right man.

What's difficult about being single?

Mindfulness:
If I respond to this mention, I will possibly be trapped in an endless loop of back and forth argument but since you seem to be in a good mood today, I will answer your questions.

No looping, I can see from your responses to MBJ that you are gunning for marriage advocate status . And I'm always in a good mood !

Mindfulness:
I agree. Most people depend on their spouse in one way or another and that's often the reason why they face so many challenges.

Are you seeing this as a good, bad, neutral, or dependent? In any event, is it not inevitable? For example, mortgages are based on combined salaries for married couples. Even if the couple are totally blind to each others incomes, the bank will need to know to determine their loan possibilities. Unless they are planning on buying separate residencies? . So many examples.

Emotionally, and, validation apart, loving, caring, sharing, will ferment a mutual feeling, that will impact a persons overall well-being and happiness for better or worse - excuse the pun .

Mindfulness:
It's not a bad thing. I never said it was. All I am saying is that people should be free to have the relationship they desire instead of trying to live up to someone else's expectations.

And people are free. The dynamic in every relationship is unique, regardless of what wrapper they chooses - marriage, co-hab, FWB etc. I don't see why some - MrBrownJ for example in this thread - have to rubbish marriage to justify their choices, when nothing is forced. Why does the truth of marriage, and their falling short of it, cause them discomfort?

Mindfulness:
If two happy people choose to be together, their happiness will be enhanced and not reduced. Reason enough?

Is does not necessarily follow. And, although not necessarily as likely, the reverse could also be true. It touches, and depends, on a number of things.

Mindfulness:
I agree completely. It's an additional source of happiness but it is not a marriage based on the premise that someone else has to save you from your misery.

Even if that is not the premise, and the couple are individually happy to start with, the union could still make them unhappy. There are certain expectations in marriage and from spouses, all potential points of discord and unhappiness. Having expectations does not necessarily mean neediness or even a desire for validation

Mindfulness:
Why would you expect another human being to make you happy if you can't do it for yourself? why would anyone have to make two people happy if you can't make one person happy, yourself?

Here is perhaps the crux. If ones happiness within, and from marriage, is not tied to, and as a result of whom one is married to, why marry? The things one can do, and the happiness one can derive, are different in marital and single states.

Being with a spouse, loving, caring and sharing with each other, creating and building a future together, raising children, all these things contribute to marital happiness. If one spouse, fails, reneges, or betrays in such a way to impair those things, why would the other not be unhappy or less happy?

Again, please correct me if I am mis-hearing you, but what you present sounds very individualistic, and far removed from marriage, or even any reason to actually get married.

Mindfulness:
I have seen many relationships in my life. I have seen their beginnings and I have seen their endings. I have seen happy and unhappy unions and I have come to understand that happy and healthy individuals have the happiest and healthiest relationships. I have seen miserable people feeling uplifted by a new relationship to only fall back into their misery few months later and their partners resenting because they placed the burden on them to be their cure and therapy, which they can succeed in for a limited period of time but not forever. It creates an unhealthy imbalance if you expect anyone to take the responisibility for your happiness and it is an inside job.

Have you ever been around negative people for a longer period of time? They can suck the life out of you if you are not stable enough to remain cheerful and nobody can all day every day. I don't wish anyone to be married to such a person.

This is at best aphoristic, not axiomatic. I could relay how I have known people grow and mature in marriage. People I would not necessarily have thought ready for marriage, having known them as singles. Marriage can have a quite edifying effect.


TV

TV01:

Funny how this thread is turned in some ways – possibly most – about people traducing the institution of marriage. I’m not sure that was OP’ intent? 1bkaye n’gbo? Anyway, I see a number of possible “reasons”, amongst which are;

My intent was to seek out those who either don't plan on getting married or aren't fussed about whether they get married or not and their reasoning. Especially coming from a culture that assigns great importance to and is almost obsessed with it. No ulterior motive here though, opinions are out of my control lol it's an open forum now

1bkaye:

My intent was to seek out those who either don't plan on getting married or aren't fussed about whether they get married or not and their reasoning. Especially coming from a culture that assigns great importance to and is almost obsessed with it. No ulterior motive here though, opinions are out of my control lol it's an open forum now

As I thought. Just not sure why people see it as open season to trash marriage

Marriage-Advocate-In-Chief


TV

TV01:

No looping, I can see from your responses to MBJ that you are gunning for marriage advocate status . And I'm always in a good mood !

Not really.

Are you seeing this as a good, bad, neutral, or dependent? In any event, is it not inevitable? For example, mortgages are based on combined salaries for married couples. Even if the couple are totally blind to each others incomes, the bank will need to know to determine their loan possibilities. Unless they are planning on buying separate residencies? . So many examples.

The person I responded to on this thread said that he was rather reluctant to take financial responibility for his spouse so this point is off topic since the financial responsibility that you have described above is shared by the couple instead of being assigned to one of the partners. Whether you live alone or with your spouse, you have to pay for a dwelling anyway.

Emotionally, and, validation apart, loving, caring, sharing, will ferment a mutual feeling, that will impact a persons overall well-being and happiness for better or worse - excuse the pun .

And there is nothing wrong with it but what's your point?

And people are free. The dynamic in every relationship is unique, regardless of what wrapper they chooses - marriage, co-hab, FWB etc. I don't see why some - MrBrownJ for example in this thread - have to rubbish marriage to justify their choices, when nothing is forced. Why does the truth of marriage, and their falling short of it, cause them discomfort?

Ask him.

Is does not necessarily follow. And, although not necessarily as likely, the reverse could also be true. It touches, and depends, on a number of things.

I have never seen unhappy people have a happy relationship. It is mutually exclusive.

Even if that is not the premise, and the couple are individually happy to start with, the union could still make them unhappy. There are certain expectations in marriage and from spouses, all potential points of discord and unhappiness.

Of course, happy people can find themselves in a relationship with a partner they discover to be incompatibele in the long run.

Having expectations does not necessarily mean neediness or even a desire for validation

I never said it does. I actually think that people should make sure that they know what they want and go for it.

Here is perhaps the crux. If ones happiness within, and from marriage, is not tied to, and as a result of whom one is married to, why marry? The things one can do, and the happiness one can derive, are different in marital and single states.

This is where I will have to disagree. Happiness is a feeling that can be triggered by different conditions. The intensity of happiness can vary but the feeling is still the same. I can't believe you ask me, why marry if not for happiness? I thought, you were the one who said that emotions are secondary or even quite irrelevant. Didn't you argue that a marriage's first and primary purpose is to raise healthy individuals as to establish and maintain flourishing societies?

Being with a spouse, loving, caring and sharing with each other, creating and building a future together, raising children, all these things contribute to marital happiness. If one spouse, fails, reneges, or betrays in such a way to impair those things, why would the other not be unhappy or less happy?

I wouldn't. I refuse to give anyone the power to determine how I feel. It's called empowerment.
It doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel sad for some time but certainly I wouldn't let it affect me in the long run.

Again, please correct me if I am mis-hearing you, but what you present sounds very individualistic, and far removed from marriage, or even any reason to actually get married.

Are you saying that happiness is the purpose of marriage? I remember you saying something else in the past when you were discussing divorce.

This is at best aphoristic, not axiomatic. I could relay how I have known people grow and mature in marriage. People I would not necessarily have thought ready for marriage, having known them as singles. Marriage can have a quite edifying effect.

TV

I have never said that people can't grow and mature in marriage. Whether you are married or not, life will give you the experiences you need to evolve. This is the natural order of life. We grow, we change, we learn, we develop.

.

Recently i have thinking about it and really it seems Marriage tend to favour women than men, alot are getting hooked because of societal pressure, and as we know alot of marriages are really going down the drain, if you ask me am not really looking forward to sexless and stressing time. So i'd like to be single for a well, at least being single now, I am not responsible for someone's happiness or feeling the need to baby an adult just to give them some form of comfort, seems so needy in my honest opinion.

pcguru1:
Recently i have thinking about it and really it seems Marriage tend to favour women than men, alot are getting hooked because of societal pressure, and as we know alot of marriages are really going down the drain, if you ask me am not really looking forward to sexless and stressing time. So i'd like to be single for a well, at least being single now, I am not responsible for someone's happiness or feeling the need to baby an adult just to give them some form of comfort, seems so needy in my honest opinion.

The bold is really funny!

bukatyne:

The bold is really funny!

It might seem and might not apply in the African context, but take the western world as the context, a man stands the higher chance of losing his wealth, half of his pension and possibly not seeing his kids for life, if the woman is that good. Marriage is practically a contract,and in the west a lot of men are getting screwed, imagine after a divorce, you are responsible for your wives upkeep till she re-marries, she can pratically decide never to marry just to get alimony. I know marriage is suppose to be this beautiful thing to enjoy, but it seems not to be the case anymore, alot of american men are not getting married, because the legal system, society supports the men. it's like accepting a bad contract, in Nigeria it might not apply in the same way.

But that's how i see it.

...skip a few to focus;

Mindfulness:
This is where I will have to disagree. Happiness is a feeling that can be triggered by different conditions. The intensity of happiness can vary but the feeling is still the same. I can't believe you ask me, why marry if not for happiness? I thought, you were the one who said that emotions are secondary or even quite irrelevant. Didn't you argue that a marriage's first and primary purpose is to raise healthy individuals as to establish and maintain flourishing societies?

And being happy within marriage is inimical to raising healthy individuals how? Indeed, would a happy union not mean they are more likely to be raised that way The choice/criteria of who to marry should not be based solely on emotions.

Mindfulness:
I wouldn't. I refuse to give anyone the power to determine how I feel. It's called empowerment.
It doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel sad for some time but certainly I wouldn't let it affect me in the long run.

As stated, if a spouse can separate their happiness from the state of their union or the other spouses action within it, the are either not truly engaged in the union, perhaps "mentally exiting", or always prepared to do so. Or possibly some weird way of compartmentalising feelings,or simply ignoring reality?

Mindfulness:
Are you saying that happiness is the purpose of marriage? I remember you saying something else in the past when you were discussing divorce.

Not the purpose, but it will be present in a good marriage, the outcome of a solid union.

I don't see how a spouse in a marital union can determine that through something you term "empowerment", their individual happiness, will be independent of the other spouses actions. Fulfilling basic obligations, meeting reasonable expectations, and beyond that, making a determined effort to create a loving and caring environment. All toward the end I previously outlined;

Being with a spouse, loving, caring and sharing with each other, creating and building a future together, raising children, all these things contribute to marital happiness. If one spouse, fails, reneges, or betrays in such a way to impair those things, why would the other not be unhappy or less happy?

It almost sounds like a spouse who is being cheated on refusing to let the infidelity bother them. I know that's not you? Like I said, perhaps I simply don't get it, but I am not yet clear on what you are presenting , or your workings sef. Wurur, wuru to the answer !


TV

pcguru1:
Recently i have thinking about it and really it seems Marriage tend to favour women than men, alot are getting hooked because of societal pressure, and as we know alot of marriages are really going down the drain, if you ask me am not really looking forward to sexless and stressing time. So i'd like to be single for a well, at least being single now, I am not responsible for someone's happiness or feeling the need to baby an adult just to give them some form of comfort, seems so needy in my honest opinion.

I really wonder why you people have never had the pleasure to date strong, self-reliant, happy women who do not ask you to baby them but just enjoy and appreciate who you are.


On second thought, I am not surprised.

Mindfulness:



I really wonder why you people have never had the pleasure to date strong, self-reliant, happy women who do not ask you to baby them but just enjoy and appreciate who you are.


On second thought, I am not surprised.

haven't dated much so i can't say, maybe someone in that position could offer a better answer, however it would be a wise decision to date someone of that caliber. The concept of someone's happiness tied around another person just screams "dependency"

trekkie:
Always respected your views. I don't agree with all but I respected them. But SERIOULY? You don't see the reason? Have not read through sha but,..seriously?!

Hi trekkie, appreciate your appreciation. Would like it the more if you challenged - with reasons - when you disagree. I like to hear and learn. I can see people rejecting marriage as not for them, but I see no reason to trash it.

Especially when they do so in order to justify their own relationship choices, which are often poor facsimiles of the real thing. Or, simply try and co-opt the parts they like, rejecting the whole (grasping for the benefits and honor, without the responsibilities and commitment). And most especially when they rail against it, but cannot present something as good - let alone better - in it's place.


TV

TV01:
...skip a few to focus;
And being happy within marriage is inimical to raising healthy individuals how? Indeed, would a happy union not mean they are more likely to be raised that way The choice/criteria of who to marry should not be based solely on emotions.

We are finally getting somewhere. And yes, they are VERY much more likely to raise them that way if happiness is an integral part of their home.

As stated, if a spouse can separate their happiness from the state of their union or the other spouses action within it, the are either not truly engaged in the union, perhaps "mentally exiting", or always prepared to do so. Or possibly some weird way of compartmentalising feelings,or simply ignoring reality?

Why do you people need others to need you in order to feel validated?

I don't want to need and I don't want to be needed, I want to desire and I want to be desired. I want my spouse to enjoy our marriage and not depend on it and I want to do the same. There is no need to be needy. We have God, all of us. That's powerful enough and you should know it. I believe you actually do. A spouse can be taken from you by millions of different tragic circumstances but you will always be connected to God, more or less and depending on how much you want to. And even if your spouse is taken or decides to leave, you are free to seek and find happiness no matter what. Depending on others for happiness is too risky. Depending on yourself and your faith is empowering.

Not the purpose, but it will be present in a good marriage, the outcome of a solid union.

We have our good moments today. I agree 100%.

I don't see how a spouse in a marital union can determine that through something you term "empowerment", their individual happiness, will be independent of the other spouses actions. Fulfilling basic obligations, meeting reasonable expectations, and beyond that, making a determined effort to create a loving and caring environment. All toward the end I previously outlined;

It's great if it works this way but it is not the end of my life and happiness if it doesn't.

It almost sounds like a spouse who is being cheated on refusing to let the infidelity bother them. I know that's not you? Like I said, perhaps I simply don't get it, but I am not yet clear on what you are presenting , or your workings sef. Wurur, wuru to the answer !

TV

I don't encourage myself to accept anything that does not please me. I don't look the other way if something hurts me. And I don't allow people to walk all over me. All I am saying is that it takes only me and God to be happy. Anything else is a smaller or bigger extra, not a necessity.

pcguru1:


haven't dated much so i can't say, maybe someone in that position could offer a better answer, however it would be a wise decision to date someone of that caliber. The concept of someone's happiness tied around another person just screams "dependency"

It does and dependency is what some people actually want. They got used to neediness. It's normal for them. I, for my part, have never been able to tolerate it in me or others.

Mindfulness:


It does and dependency is what some people actually want. They got used to neediness. It's normal for them. I, for my part, have never been able to tolerate it in me or others.

same here bro it's frustrating

pcguru1:


same here bro sis it's frustrating

Don't lose hope. The woman of your dreams is out there.

Mindfulness:


What's difficult about being single?

It gets lonely. No one to hug, kiss, hold hands or cuddle with. I'm used to it by now but there are times when I wish for these things. Anyway, I'm a strong, independent woman and don't need a man to be happy.

Mindfulness:
We are finally getting somewhere. And yes, they are VERY much more likely to raise them that way if happiness is an integral part of their home.

But said happiness is to a large degree, a result of actions of the spouses within the union is it not?

Mindfulness:
Why do you people need others to need you in order to feel validated?

At all. My wife does not validate me. Validation is not something I actually seek. Especially as a Christian. But the marital estate demands mutuality, co-dependency, as a result of striving together. It's like saying the soldiers in a platoon, or the players in a team are not co-dependent. Needing, co-operating, and relying on each other, does not in this context mean being needy.

Mindfulness:

I don't want to need and I don't want to be needed, I want to desire and I want to be desired. I want my spouse to enjoy our marriage and not depend on it and I want to do the same. There is no need to be needy. We have God, all of us. That's powerful enough and you should know it. I believe you actually do. A spouse can be taken from you by millions of different tragic circumstances but you will always be connected to God, more or less and depending on how much you want to. And even if your spouse is taken or decides to leave, you are free to seek and find happiness no matter what. Depending on others for happiness is too risky.
Depending on yourself and your faith is empowering.

You make it sound like going to see a movie, or out for a meal. My wife and I need each other to be involved, to take active roles, to handle, to manage, and run different aspects of our shared lives.

You are making it sound like marriage is one big emotional experience, devoid of all practical reality. I may not desire to bathe the children, but it needs doing. Especially if wifey is cooking. I could of course sit back, watch Euro 2016, and wait for her to get round to doing it all. Then of course you'd bring your "old before her time argument".

A relationship with God is and can be entirely separate to ones marital relationship. being happy spiritually does not mean everything is fine maritally, or make it so.

I note the bold, to me, it screams of someone who is scared to be disappointed, or does not fully trust. And so is scared to fully commit?

Mindfulness:
It's great if it works this way but it is not the end of my life and happiness if it doesn't.

I'm not saying it is. But it impacts for better or worse ones level of happiness.

Mindfulness:
I don't encourage myself to accept anything that does not please me. I don't look the other way if something hurts me. And I don't allow people to walk all over me. All I am saying is that it takes only me and God to be happy. Anything else is a smaller or bigger extra, not a necessity.

But whether you encourage it or not, accept it or not, it does not change reality. And if it does not please you, it affects your level of happiness
does it not?

Again, a relationship with God is distinct, to ones relationship with ones spouse. They both channel into your overall happiness, but happiness in one does not negate unhappiness - if it occurs - in the other.


TV

Yieldings:
It gets lonely. No one to hug, kiss, hold hands or cuddle with. I'm used to it by now but there are times when I wish for these things. Anyway, I'm a strong, independent woman and don't need a man to be happy.

Poor little baby.

TV01:

But said happiness is to a large degree, a result of actions of the spouses within the union is it not?

Someone can be happy if their marriage is or isn't.

At all. My wife does not validate me. Validation is not something I actually seek. Especially as a Christian. But the marital estate demands mutuality, co-dependency, as a result of striving together. It's like saying the soldiers in a platoon, or the players in a team are not co-dependent. Needing, co-operating, and relying on each other, does not in this context mean being needy.

This is an intersting analogy. A team needs its players to collaborate but the individual players do need each other to be the fittest they can be. These two dimensions are also present in relationships. You have a relationship with your spouse but the more important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself and God. And this is the crux of the matter. People tend to neglect the latter even though it is the most important one.

You make it sound like going to see a movie, or out for a meal. My wife and I need each other to be involved, to take active roles, to handle, to manage, and run different aspects of our shared lives.

I would prefer to say that you desire to share your life, pleasure and responisbilities and that's a beautiful thing.

You are making it sound like marriage is one big emotional experience, devoid of all practical reality. I may not desire to bathe the children, but it needs doing. Especially if wifey is cooking. I could of course sit back, watch Euro 2016, and wait for her to get round to doing it all. Then of course you'd bring your "old before her time argument".

It is one big emotional experience, the whole life is. The practical reality is a means, happiness is the end.
You may not desire to bath your children but you can motivate yourself. Something tells me you are good at it.

A relationship with God is and can be entirely separate to ones marital relationship. being happy spiritually does not mean everything is fine maritally, or make it so.

I thought I would never use this word on this forum and much less with you but I have to say it:

Blasphemy!

Your relationship with yourself AND God can never be seperate from anything, whether people acknowledge it or not.
It is the alpha and omega, in Christian slang.

On a more serious note: Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. Everything begins and ends with the way you connect with yourself and God. EVERYTHING!

I note the bold, to me, it screams of someone who is scared to be disappointed, or does not fully trust. And so is scared to fully commit?

No, it's realisitc. Our spouses may part from their physical bodies any time, and then what? Life in misery till the day you die?

I'm not saying it is. But it impacts for better or worse ones level of happiness.

For as long as you allow it to.

But whether you encourage it or not, accept it or not, it does not change reality. And if it does not please you, it affects your level of happiness
does it not?

If it does not please me, there are millions of other sources of pleasure and happiness. I mean it in a decent way now.

Again, a relationship with God is distinct, to ones relationship with ones spouse. They both channel into your overall happiness, but happiness in one does not negate unhappiness - if it occurs - in the other.

TV

It does for me if necessary.

RAKITIC:
(1) I hate responsibility - i hate to be responsible for anyone's one feeling or financial burden or anything. (2) Privacy - i love my privacy. (3) Freedom - when you get married you automatically lose your freedom, you will have too explain all your movement.

These feelings are quite normal and real but a time will come you will feel the emptiness of its all and you will want a companion.

Mindfulness:
Someone can be happy if their marriage is or isn't.

...and if the marriage is, or becomes happy, someones overall happiness increases no?

Mindfulness:
This is an intersting analogy. A team needs its players to collaborate but the individual players do need each other to be the fittest they can be. These two dimensions are also present in relationships. You have a relationship with your spouse but the more important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself and God. And this is the crux of the matter. People tend to neglect the latter even though it is the most important one.

Your first line in this response makes absolutely no sense. And yes,the relationship with God is more important, but in truth, that is not tied to or dependent on feelings like the mostly physical relationship with ones spouse is. Studies show that up to 80% of an individuals happiness is tied to the state of their marriage.

Mindfulness:
I would prefer to say that you desire to share your life, pleasure and responisbilities and that's a beautiful thing.

Semantics

Mindfulness:
It is one big emotional experience, the whole life is. The practical reality is a means, happiness is the end. You may not desire to bath your children but you can motivate yourself. Something tells me you are good at it.

I am, although it doesn't actually matter. I also enjoy doing it, that does not matter so much either. It needs to be done, as a small part of our care for our children and long-term plan for raising them as best we can.

Mindfulness:

I thought I would never use this word on this forum and much less with you but I have to say it:

Blasphemy!

Your relationship with yourself AND God can never be seperate from anything, whether people acknowledge it or not.
It is the alpha and omega, in Christian slang.

On a more serious note: Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. Everything begins and ends with the way you connect with yourself and God. EVERYTHING!

Blasphemy? Perhaps, but not of Christianity. The bible is clear that a marital relationship is separate, and may even impact or compete with your divine one. 1 Corinthians 7:33/4. But having a perfect divine relationship, does not fulfill for marriage. The desire to marry is actually a gift, and it's proper fulfillment leads to a distinct joy in and of itself.

Mindfulness:
No, it's realisitc. Our spouses may part from their physical bodies any time, and then what? Life in misery till the day you die?

Death ends a marriage. Get a new spouse post haste.

Mindfulness:
If it does not please me, there are millions of other sources of pleasure and happiness. I mean it in a decent way now.

And even if they are all valid,they do not substitute for the happiness of marriage, as they are not the happiness of marriage, they are the happiness of those million other things.

I delight in my children, I delight in my friends, I delight in my wife. And although I can have all 3 alone, in combination, or together, none can replace or replicate the other.

I am still not clear. Enough sha, lest we loop the loop .


TV

TV01:

...and if the marriage is, or becomes happy, someones overall happiness increases no?


Your first line in this response makes absolutely no sense. And yes,the relationship with God is more important, but in truth, that is not tied to or dependent on feelings like the mostly physical relationship with ones spouse is. Studies show that up to 80% of an individuals happiness is tied to the state of their marriage.

Semantics


I am, although it doesn't actually matter. I also enjoy doing it, that does not matter so much either. It needs to be done, as a small part of our care for our children and long-term plan for raising them as best we can.


Blasphemy? Perhaps, but not of Christianity. The bible is clear that a marital relationship is separate, and may even impact or compete with your divine one. 1 Corinthians 7:33/4. But having a perfect divine relationship, does not fulfill for marriage. The desire to marry is actually a gift, and it's proper fulfillment leads to a distinct joy in and of itself.

Death ends a marriage. Get a new spouse post haste.

And even if they are all valid,they do not substitute for the happiness of marriage, as they are not the happiness of marriage, they are the happiness of those million other things.

I delight in my children, I delight in my friends, I delight in my wife. And although I can have all 3 alone, in combination, or together, none can replace or replicate the other.

I am still not clear. Enough sha, lest we loop the loop .


TV

Let me sum it up. You need specific conditions to be happy and I don't. Simple.

Mindfulness:
Re-read what I wrote. I wrote that you automatically receive shared custody when you are married. If you are not, you have to notarize a written statement that acknowledges the unmarried father's paternity.

again, if your name is on the birth certificate, you automatically get rights towards that child... thats why i dont need to "receive" custody to make my children's passport, if my name is on their birth certificate (as their father). thinking that a father has NO right until he gets married to the child's mother, or a judge/notary gives him that right, is wrong.
furthermore, if a father's name is on the birth certificate, then EVEN if i am not the biological father, i would still legally be the father, and have to pay child support, if their mums and me parted ways.

No, they are not. You act like you know the laws in all countries when just recently these laws have been subject to controversial discussions in the country where I am located because cohabitating couples do NOT have the same rights as married couples and conservative parties want to keep it this way.

fair enough, they probably dont apply in Nigeria but they certainly apply in any country in the west (aka Europe, North America etc)

Again, not true!
You can't even get a family insurance including everyone if you are not married.

pls educate yourself on the issue of common law union AND civil/domestic partnership, as you clearly are misinformed.

Ask your children's teachers and doctors. I, for my part, want to have the same name as my children and so does my husband. It shows that we belong together and it gives a sense of unity.

do i really have to educate you on this issue?! unmarried couple can give their child ANY surname they desire, fathers/mothers or anything else they desire.... having BOTH parents surname is the best IMHO, because guess what happens when you divorce your husband and have a child that bares ONLY his name?! having both parents name is easier.

Really? There was only one occassion in my life where my ENTIRE family and that of my husband met all at once and that was our wedding.

why do you wanna meet them all on the same day?! and if that is really an issue, then what stops me from inviting them all on the house warming party?! arent they all gonna meet? why do you think that a WEDDING is the only way they can all meet?

Who said that anyone should be forced to stay with anyone?

well thats your assumption, isnt it? that marriage will make people stay together where unmarried people will just part ways.... well if parting ways is what a person wants to do, why not let them? or are you insinuating that marriage stops people from wanting to leave? marriage stops people from arguing/having enough? sadly, we cant ask Titi Arowolo, Nike Shonde, Rose sougie or even Mr. Oyelowo how that piece of paper has made their lives "better" by having them stay longer in their respective union.

BWAAAAAAH! Because you say so?
wife noun
the woman that somebody is married to; a married woman
http://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/wife?q=wife

you see, what you wrote above is the reason so many fail in marriage... i (MBJ) dont need any certificate to feel/understand that someone is my wife. our actions will dictate that as this lady will do EXACTLY what any married wife out there will do ( and so would i, compared to any husband), so NO i dont need a bloody certificate to call her what i fully well know she is.
EQUALLY, many clueless deluded married women are called "wives" but wouldnt know what it means to be one, even if she was beaten with the manual ( i wont even bother mentionned the gazillion cheating men foolishly called husband). but hey, we are living today in a world where any donkey can claim whatever (or holier than thou) because of some phoney certificate.

It's not about you or me. As a matter of fact, if you aspire to run for a public office, you better be married.
I couldn't care less whether you do or don't.

who gives a damn about running for office? stick to the issue at hand, its about whether being married is stamped on anyone's forehead before you can judge them... so as i said again:
1) if i met you today and introduce my partner to you as my wife, why would you think that she is any less?!
2) many Africans polygamists are legally taking X amount of co-wives, how are these union any different/better/legal IN YOUR EYES than a common-law union (knowing that traditional marriages are just as valid as common-law union)?

If you nor marry. . . depression go kill you for old age o!
ESPECIALLY FOR MEN who can't cook their own food or WIPE THEIR AZZZZES in old age!
Look around you. . . . MEN CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT A WOMAN O.
Unless he has ALZHEIMER'S!

Ask 'fanny canny' KAYODE!

The women nko?
If dem nor marry. . .dem go turn WINCHES begin fly by night for old age o! Original 'bitter kola'!

Mindfulness and TV01
Not bad at all.

I read every single line from you both for a change this time around.

Yieldings:
It gets lonely. No one to hug, kiss, hold hands or cuddle with. I'm used to it by now but there are times when I wish for these things. Anyway, I'm a strong, independent woman and don't need a man to be happy.

The dichotomy of males and females proven once again. Reasoning and interpretation of certain things will always be different in the sexes.

A young man's top problem with being single will mostly rest in not having someone to have sex with on the regular, lol...
Kiss, hold, cuddle - these are not what a man usually seeks in a relationship.

You needn't respond, just had to highlight that.