Why Is This Common With Most Wives? They Need To CHANGE!

Hello NLers.

I am here basically to sample thoughts and opinions on this matter from matured minds. No insults or names calling. Just address the issue with suggestions.

There is a saying (by me ) that goes thus: Learn to appreciate what you have now. Don't wait till it's gone to find out its value. There is also another saying (not by me ) that goes thus: Wives don't suck dick; only girlfriends do.

So to the matter. I am married to this lovely lady. She is good by good standards (details will be given later if need be). I am also good by good standards (details will be given later if need be ). However when it comes to making love, this is where the "matters arising" comes to play; yes sex.

Firstly, I am not necessarily the over demanding type, however i am not sexually satisfied completely in my home. I am very understanding when she actually is not in the right frame of conditions to make love, however for me making the moves every time for us to make love is tiring (and yes ladies you should make the moves sometimes, if not more).

Secondly, i am the type with a conscience. I have not raped and will never rape any one even my wife because this is practically impossible for me as my man-hood (which lives on) will suddenly slump in such situation (that's why i said practically impossible). So what am i driving at? Once my wife tells me she is a bit tired, she has a slight waist pain, head-ache, leg ache etc. i practically refrain from making love to her. It has happened most times that i am all up and doing and ready to hit the road and then she says she has a head-ache (unconsciously i must admit most times) i just pack-up and hit the bed to dream world.

Now the challenge is this. Being sort of sexually deprived by my wife, being a hardworking good citizen of Nigeria that makes an average earning (at least i dey drive motor and can comfortably take care of my family and one or two more outsiders despite the harsh economy) I am exposed to falling into countless number of temptations. In order not to brag, i have ladies calling me almost on a daily basis now and literally begging me to "shine their congo". Yes they know i am married with kids but don't care. Na me dey dodge them sef and avoid picking some calls.

Now the question is this: what can i do to solve this issue? What can i do to make my wife get off her relaxed state to make the moves for us to be more sexually engaged (and i am not talking of just missionary alone, i love adventure)? Should i just ignore her talks of head aches and find a means of forcing myself to do it with her ( I have actually asked her if this is what she wants - no response received). What can i do?

I am asking as we have had this sex talk twice and i have told her what i felt about the whole thing (of course she shed tears na). The third time we had the discussion, i told her categorically that this would be the last time for such discussion because if there is not improvement, i will not talk to her about it anymore and would seek other means to "help myself out". This is where i am at the moment.

So you ideas are welcome ladies and gentlemen.

P.S. Wow! So the write up long reach like this? be patient to read through.

See as everywhere quiet.

The matter sef tire me, I face a similar case in my relationship, none of us is ill in any way yet our sex life is going down south, I hope it doesn't get to militancy level to get my fair share of the sex-cake.

I don't know about tomorrow.SORRY IS YOUR NAME😀

Same with mine too, and yet they don't want us to go extra.

menxer:
See as everywhere quiet.

The matter sef tire me, I face a similar case in my relationship, none of us is ill in any way yet our sex life is going down south, I hope it doesn't get to militancy level to get my fair share of the sex-cake.

Lol. Every where quiet indeed. My brother i have even mentioned that to her; we both are not sick or old or incapacitated, yet no show.

Women sef...you no wan wire them.... Wahala... Open leg make we wire nah.... Oh no... Na wa ooo

OP go to reddit and join this sub reddit DeadBedroom they have good feedbacks, this is a common thing, sadly I can't give you any advice because am not married which is one and two because am not married sleeping around is not foreign for me (I think this was poorly worded, I meant since am single I have sex I don't mean am a prostitute). Maybe you might wanna let her know sex is lacking or you guys might wanna plan a night where you guys have sex. Or find something to occupy your mind, alot of marriage get sexless pretty quick.

innovestor:

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What can i do?
I am asking as we have had this sex talk twice and i have told her what i felt about the whole thing (of course she shed tears na). The third time we had the discussion, i told her categorically that this would be the last time for such discussion because if there is not improvement, i will not talk to her about it anymore and would seek other means to "help myself out". This is where i am at the moment.
So you ideas are welcome ladies and gentlemen.
P.S. Wow! So the write up long reach like this? be patient to read through.

.

OP,you have already EPP yourself out na

Hmmm saw the part where you wrote you've already engaged her, hmmmm nothing I can advice, seriously not looking forward to marriage at all, so many negatives as a man. No sex, no personal space all the best use reddit and find DeadBedrooms

1. Maybe the sex has become boring. She doesn't enjoy it anymore with you.

2. Or maybe she's really tired as she says she is.
Does she work? What time does she get home from work? Who picks up the kids from school? Who takes care of them after school? Who takes care of the cooking?, cleaning, washing?
If she does all these alone, she will be genuinely tired everyday. The traffic situation alone can cause a headache on its own. Having young children screaming I want this, I want that can cause another headache. Cooking different meals for the children, and then for the older ones too everyday can stress you out too.

3. Also, women do think about money issues too.
So if she's broke and there are some expenses pending in the home like house rent, school fees, changing her car because the old one keeps giving her trouble, sex would be far from her mind.

Some men find sex as a stress reliever, and when stressed they want sex.
Its not the same for most women, who when stressed see sex as more stress or even a stress inducer.

How did those ladies calling you get your number? You're married and still distributing your number everywhere and have the guts to brag about it.
If you want to smoothen things over with your wife, talk to her about it not us. We can't say anything that will make her change Except you're going to show her this thread. And stop giving ladies your number.

cococandy:
How did those ladies calling you get your number? You're married and still distributing your number everywhere and have the guts to brag about it.
If you want to smoothen things over with your wife, talk to her about it not us. We can't say anything that will make her change Exocet you're going to show her this thread. And stop giving ladies your number.

I don't know ehmmmmmm am guessing former females he had as friends before he got married

pcguru1:


I don't know ehmmmmmm am guessing former females he had as friends before he got married

stop guessing on his behalf

Yep someone made mention of work and stress and traffic especially in Lagos, that's another factor too,Lagos is stressful that I can tell you. So won't be a surprise if that was one of the factors causing the sexless marriage

This institution called marriage is getting scary everyday, negative stories here and there. God help us.

snezBaba:
.

OP,you have already EPP yourself out na

Bros i never epp myself yet if not i for no come here dey shout

pcguru1:
Hmmm saw the part where you wrote you've already engaged her, hmmmm nothing I can advice, seriously not looking forward to marriage at all, so many negatives as a man. No sex, no personal space all the best use reddit and find DeadBedrooms

Bros, thanks but u need to upgrade your decision o. Marriage is sweet. The challenges in it even make it sweeter. You no go understand till you marry.

How was your sex life before marriage?
How many kids?
Do you make her happy?
Do you spend in enough time with her?
How often do you make her feel loved and sexy?

Oya say you do all.

I had been in a situation our sex life was great
Communication was awesome
Only for him to start giving excuses of being busy
We stopped talking/hanging out like we used to
And gradually I lost the zeal
Ofcus I broke up

In your case
You gotta ignite that affection and make it look like you starting over again

Women are fighters
She must have fought lots of battle

eyinjuege:
1. Maybe the sex has become boring. She doesn't enjoy it anymore with you.

2. Or maybe she's really tired as she says she is.
Does she work? What time does she get home from work? Who picks up the kids from school? Who takes care of them after school? Who takes care of the cooking?, cleaning, washing?
If she does all these alone, she will be genuinely tired everyday. The traffic situation alone can cause a headache on its own. Having young children screaming I want this, I want that can cause another headache. Cooking different meals for the children, and then for the older ones too everyday can stress you out too.

3. Also, women do think about money issues too.
So if she's broke and there are some expenses pending in the home like house rent, school fees, changing her car because the old one keeps giving her trouble, sex would be far from her mind.

Some men find sex as a stress reliever, and when stressed they want sex.
Its not the same for most women, who when stressed see sex as more stress or even a stress inducer.

Thanks so much for your mature candid opinions and questions. I will answer you accordingly (my answers will amaze you).

Ans 1. She enjoys it with me and is always fully satisfied when we engage in it. My concern if frequency and adventure.
Ans 2. She does a small business which does not take most of her time (4hrs in a day averagely). Kids are not in school yet as they have not reached the age (note: 2 house helps on ground to help out). Cooking prep done by maids, cooking done by her. Washing machine available. Cleaning by all. So u see, no excessive stress on any one. I am the one to even complain of stress as i work very hard.
Ans 3. She has no business thinking of money. I provide for all needs for the family. trust me.

cococandy:
How did those ladies calling you get your number? You're married and still distributing your number everywhere and have the guts to brag about it.
If you want to smoothen things over with your wife, talk to her about it not us. We can't say anything that will make her change Exocet you're going to show her this thread. And stop giving ladies your number.

Coco, no swallow panadol on my behalf. I will answer u.

I have had my numbers for ages now. I have had friends (and still have friends) who are females. I am not of the school of thought that once you get married its a different life (you change character, phone number etc.). What you can't change before marriage cannot be changed because of marriage. Change is everyone's personal decision to make whether marriage or going to be married or single.

Except you are suggesting i change my numbers and this will come with a cost i am not ready bear now.

So my question to you, are you married?

mirob:
This institution called marriage is getting scary everyday, negative stories here and there. God help us.

Please dear, don't get scared. It is not the intent of my write-up. Marriage is enjoyable. One gets different challenges once in a while dear. how you handle it is what matters.

I will advice you do a thorough home work before marriage. this will save you many troubles in marriage.

Am *guessing* I was right about my assertion about the phone numbers, then again when did I ever go wrong in assertions.

Hi Innovestor, nothing new under the sun. I applaud your desire to restore normalcy in your home. But please don't countenance covenant breaking or even threats of it as a means to that end.

First peruse this thread, and particularly my comments therein - https://www.nairaland.com/1845744/intimate-incompatibility-marriage#25285431. That speaks mostly to the bio-mechanical aspects. Please appropriate what is relevant to your situation.

There may be some overlap from the above post/thread, but equally important is to touch on the bio-dynamics. That is the situation in your home, both your family circumstances and the "mutuality" between the both of you.

Men and women view sex differently. Indeed, their perceptions and oft times responses to every stimuli or situation is typically different, and usually for good reason - and largely by design. Understanding our differences and working to harmonise them is key to healthy relationships and happy homes.

Your situation could be due to;

1. stress/work overload, leaving your wife tired. Things like work, anxieties, childbirth etc. have to be managed and hopefully overcome to restore normalcy
2. the attraction - painful to say, let alone hear - may have waned/died. You have to take steps to restore/revive it. Basically increasing your status/desirability in the eyes of your wife. Women will make an effort to please men they respect
3. she may simply have a low drive - see above post. If she is well cultured or of deep faith, she will actually know it's her duty to please you. If you are, go to God sharpish.

Try and pinpoint the main issue - as there may well be a combination and take it from there. Please learn to ignore the godless misandrists that abound here, they'll just enervate you and cause a loss of focus.

All the best as you build your home.


TV

Men too dey fûck up. You're discussing sex with your wife up to three times? My brother, you cannot negotiate attraction. If a woman wants to fúck you, she will fûck you. She will always be in the mood, or she will be in the mood way more times than she's not. You are suffering from see finish syndrome.

I advise you to spend less time than you used to with her, get a hobby and, of course, get a bloody side chick. And monitor her destiny codedly, if you're not chopping her ponmo, nobody else with be chopping the ponmo. When she ready, she go coordinate.

Timbuktou:
Men too dey fûck up. You're discussing sex with your wife up to three times? My brother, you cannot negotiate attraction. If a woman wants to fúck you, she will fûck you. She will always be in the mood, or she will be in the mood way more times than she's not. You are suffering from see finish syndrome.

I advise you to spend less time than you used to with her, get a hobby and, of course, get a bloody side chick. And monitor her destiny codedly, if you're not chopping her ponmo, nobody else with be chopping the ponmo. When she ready, she go coordinate.

Haba this is a married man you are advising, he's no longer in the same situation as single people, side chick ke are you married ? Let's start from there I can understand the get the hobby part, I was gonna tell him to try out video games and when his wife misses him she would come for it. Abeg your advice is too irresponsible oh

pcguru1:


Haba this is a married man you are advising, he's no longer in the same situation as single people, side chick ke are you married ? Let's start from there I can understand the get the hobby part, I was gonna tell him to try out video games and when his wife misses him she would come for it. Abeg your advice is too irresponsible oh

Of course, it's irresponsible advice, doesn't mean it's not effective

Timbuktou:


Of course, it's irresponsible advice, doesn't mean it's not effective

Lol I get your point though

@OP
I THINK ITS YOUR FAULT
MAYBE YOU‘RE NOT CREATIVE & EXCITING IN BED
I THINK YOU ARE IS THE THRUST & POUR TYPE
NO ROMANCE, NO SEDUCTION, NO GINGERING, NO STIMULATION
WHY WONT SHE GET BORED?
SOME WOMEN NEED TO BE KICKSTARTED
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOUR WOMAN
ITS YOUR DUTY TO MAKE YOUR WOMAN WANT YOU
STUDY YOUR WIFE‘S SEXUALITY, WHAT TICKLES HER....MASTER THE ART & APPLY IT
AND BY THE WAY, WHAT WERE HER COMPLAINS DURING YOUR DISCUSSIONS?

Innovestor, today is Thursday, send your wife a message right now, ask her what she's doing, if there's light etc. Come home earlier than usual and play with the kids. Buy cake for your wife and everybody eat. When I say play, I mean PLAY. Dance like an egun masquerade. During this play, you guys should make a paper ball, recreate the NIG-GER match of yesterday (pls be Germany ) and stylishly throw it at Mum. Let her pass it back, infact,rush her if she holds the ball long. Feel free to smack her bum during the play, no red card given. Don't ask for sex.

Tomorrow, come home and watch whatever she wants to watch, discuss it with her animatedly. What hairdo is she wearing? Bet you don't know offhand tell her to bring her nailpolish, you want to practise painting because the economy has crashed and manipedis ain't cheap. Ask her what's going with life. Just listen. Gist freely.

Saturday, you and her go to the mall. Go watch a movie together (no kids allowed). In the car home, hold her hand. When you get home, don't sit in your usual seat (the one you use as your personal space), sit with her. Tell her "I've missed us having fun, I've missed you". See how the evening goes.

Problem with many couple is that the only time they 'bond' is when they want to have sex...

How often do you do things together? Like playing scrabble, chess etc together, going out together, seeing movies together, doing chores together, 'gossiping', reading or gisting together? Ettccc ...

Do those romantic stuffs you used to do when you were dating. ..If you keep romance alive in your marriage, believe me sex wouldn't be an issue. ... Infact you won't even just have sex, you'll fu@k around the house..

Do stuffs together and the urge for sex will come naturally; sex time shouldn't be the only 'we' time in marriage else it will go sore... Learn to spice your marriage outside sex...

That's why it's good to marry your friend. ..
Op, I wish you the best...

mirob:
This institution called marriage is getting scary everyday, negative stories here and there. God help us.

Thats because the media only spread negative stories for obvious reasons

I bet you there are 10 times more marriages that have lasted 40 years than 2 years

...but the media would rather broadcast Tee Bills/Tiwa 2 years‘ marriage break-up than tell you boths‘ parents are still very married

And there audience carries the blame

Exactly.

cococandy:
How did those ladies calling you get your number? You're married and still distributing your number everywhere and have the guts to brag about it.
If you want to smoothen things over with your wife, talk to her about it not us. We can't say anything that will make her change Exocet you're going to show her this thread. And stop giving ladies your number.