Gaggi:
My Friend Is Putting Me In A Tight Situation

My very close colleague and friend and I work in the same office. He relocated his family out of town almost a year ago, the wife traveled for further studies. He has a lovely wife, really good woman and two lovely kids. I also live with my family. We used to visit each other and our kids played together while they were around.

The issue now is he now keeps a steady girl. The girl cannot hold a light close to anywhere near his wife. The wife beats her in terms of beauty, class, intelligence, fashion, attitude, just name it.

At first i didn't talk when i saw them together. Felt it was a casual fling, he probably was lonely and needed a little company. However, he now takes her everywhere, friends houses, colleagues parties etc. I have warned him severally but he keeps telling me he'll look for the right time to let her go. He's been saying this for more than 6 months now. He even confessed that they do have unprotected sex occasionally, especially when they are both drunk and she has said she'll kill him and kill herself if he leaves her for another girl.

I hate to see my friend destroy a beautiful family. I don't know what to do to save him. I don't have his wife's number, even if i did, telling her might result to breaking the marriage instead of saving it. For now, all i do is just pray for him. Anybody with any brilliant ideas?

weti concern you!

why can't you learn how to mind your business?

are you The one that pay your friend's wife Bride price?

or are you fuvking your friend's wife?

The wife beats her in terms of beauty, class, intelligence, fashion, attitude, just name it.

Op, but how are you sure about their Sexual life, the culinary, Superiority? I mean do you know their inner minds? what if there happen to be somethings that you really are unaware of and which surprisingly play's a vital Role in an African HOME.

SmartyPants:


I have to agree with you.

DarkRebel101 and the others:

As a man i cannot cheat on my wife (when i will have one) but to pretend that men are not the way men generally are will not help matters.

i remember one day my christian boss who goes to church twice a week, and dotes on his family, called me into his office and asked me "SmartyPants, is it wrong if i keep a girlfriend because my wife is not around" i was literally dumbfounded...i had no clue how to answer because on the one hand he and i both knew the answer but on the other, i knew exactly what sort of pressure he must have been facing.

The average man easily falls emotionally and sexually when lonely, and considers it a right to have sexual intercourse. Can you change that?? Unless you want to say you have found some brilliant technique for making people do the right thing against their wishes, then if the misbehavior of another person will affect you, then you yourself must do what you gotta do to survive. To reason otherwise could be compared to saying, people should not commit armed robbery, therefore i will not secure mysefl and my property. When you get robbed are you not secondarily to blame?

I'm not directly blaming the lady here as clearly her husband lacks self control and integrity, but what i am saying is that if you know that your husband lacks self control and integrity and you also care about your marriage, then you should do your best to not allow him the exposure that may bring out the worst in him.

@bolded... There is no jitsu to change a cheating husband, you can't change someone sexual life only if he's ready to change by himself.

So Don't make the wife turn to a telepathy professor Xavier freak.

Gaggi:
My Friend Is Putting Me In A Tight Situation

My very close colleague and friend and I work in the same office. He relocated his family out of town almost a year ago, the wife traveled for further studies. He has a lovely wife, really good woman and two lovely kids. I also live with my family. We used to visit each other and our kids played together while they were around.

The issue now is he now keeps a steady girl. The girl cannot hold a light close to anywhere near his wife. The wife beats her in terms of beauty, class, intelligence, fashion, attitude, just name it.

At first i didn't talk when i saw them together. Felt it was a casual fling, he probably was lonely and needed a little company. However, he now takes her everywhere, friends houses, colleagues parties etc. I have warned him severally but he keeps telling me he'll look for the right time to let her go. He's been saying this for more than 6 months now. He even confessed that they do have unprotected sex occasionally, especially when they are both drunk and she has said she'll kill him and kill herself if he leaves her for another girl.

I hate to see my friend destroy a beautiful family. I don't know what to do to save him. I don't have his wife's number, even if i did, telling her might result to breaking the marriage instead of saving it. For now, all i do is just pray for him. Anybody with any brilliant ideas?

You should mind your business.

Amelian:




Gun for it when you are single as a lady.. Not when you are married... Smhhh

Benbisco

Contrary to what you're saying men have self-control. That's why your brothers, father and uncle's are not going around raping women. This man is a shame to men. I hope he doesn't not give his wife that dreaded incurable STD.

Urukpe:


She may not be lonely

Even if she was not, is that an excuse? So 2 wrongs make a right.

How do you know your friend's wife is not having her own fling and abroad husband?
Please mind your own business as. The most you should do is caution your friend to use protection. If he wants to destroy his own home with his hands don't put yourself in the middle.
Your friend obviously has no regards for his wife by flaunting his gf at mutual friends

Dear op.....ever heard of "ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" biscuit? Go chop am!!!! warrisdis...how e take concern u....no matter what u tell the guy he would never listen and that's cos Ur not married to his wife. the other lady must have excelled somewhere....trust me I know what I'm saying....My advice...shut up and if u really love him ..... pray!!! Only a married man would understand this not all this indomie kids

What idea is better than talking to him and following up with prayers.

arabianights:
WRONG! A TRUE FRIEND WILL DO ALL HE CAN TO SAVE A FRIEND FROM DESTROYING HIS LIFE.ITS HIS BUSINESS

You are not married are you? And i think pretty young too. You just don't know do you?

By God's grace you will go quite far in life, you seem like the kind of girl that is in control of her life, plans and leaves the rest to God. Nips a problem in the bud before it gets bigger than you.
One shouldn't eat her cake and expect to have it back, if you abandon your marriage your marriage will abandon you.
@Amelian . May God bless your Mother.

Amelian:
It's a pity, some married women are like that... They will leave their husband, travel abroad for further studies and I usually ask, this PHD or masters u are going for? Please enlighten me, what do u intend to do with it? They will say they just want to have higher degrees.
I shake head for those wives.. Later they will start crying wolf, saying can u imagine her husband has married another woman.. May the almighty God give them sense to see the havoc they are creating in their homes.

Op, your friend is lonely. And even if the wife travels with the next flight back home to fight her husband. Cos He is the only person she can fight for now.. After telling her sorry dear, with sweet words and she travels back.. He will still go back to his girlfriend.. And the girlfriend is determined to be his wife.. So my dear, the situation is messy already.

Amelian:
It's a pity, some married women are like that... They will leave their husband, travel abroad for further studies and I usually ask, this PHD or masters u are going for? Please enlighten me, what do u intend to do with it? They will say they just want to have higher degrees.
I shake head for those wives.. Later they will start crying wolf, saying can u imagine her husband has married another woman.. May the almighty God give them sense to see the havoc they are creating in their homes.

Op, your friend is lonely. And even if the wife travels with the next flight back home to fight her husband. Cos He is the only person she can fight for now.. After telling her sorry dear, with sweet words and she travels back.. He will still go back to his girlfriend.. And the girlfriend is determined to be his wife.. So my dear, the situation is messy already.

God bless you for this wonderful comment. It shows the kind of home you came from and how well you were brought up. There are hundreds of universities in Nigeria for her to have obtained degrees from and that would have saved the union from colllapse.

DarkRebel101:


What is wrong with gunning for a master's degree or a PhD? SMH.

P = Prepare
H = Hard for your
D = Death

He who has ears, let him hear.

RoadsAndGreen:
So a married man should stay for over 6 months no sex? that's difficult. am sure those girls saying the man should abstain won't even risk travelling away from their husbands if\when they marry.

life is too short to be putting a one-time marriage experience on the line for certificate. why bother traveling far distance to further, why not further here in Nigeria?

both of them are at fault here.

It's possible! Sex is not food! And this shows that he lacks discipline. For crying out loud many men go offshore for months, some are transferred to another state, some go outside the country for years, yet their wives stay faithful. If men and women are not equal and men are superior to women. Then men must be superior in fidelity and discipline.

My dear nothing is wrong with it. It is when the person is opportune to do that so u guys should hold your thing. Everything must not be sex.

Bollinger:


You are not married are you? And i think pretty young too. You just don't know do you?

It's her/his opinion. Everyone is entitled to what they think whether married, young, old or not.

OP,
The bigger issue here is the risk of him infecting his wife with an incurable disease.

ephi123:


If he lacks self control and integrity, he will still cheat even right under her nose. Her travelling is simply a convenient excuse.

You are somehow contradicting yourself. If you say a man who would cheat, will always cheat, then he would surely cheat with or without "a convenient excuse".

Since according to the OP, this behavior started only when the "convenient excuse" presented itself, it still boils down to exactly what i said before:

If you know your man has such a weakness, then do not give him the "convenient excuse" that he needs to indulge himself.

cc tintingz

YUSUPH1986:
@ Amelian, i put my hands together for u, luk women once u are married, living togather with ur man is the wisest thing u can do,6 months? Then the marriage has cracked already so lizards can use it as an abode that is the truth. If a man told u no qualms be rest assured that u are no more is number one

That man had a problem right from time. The marriage is "cracked" because of the husband not the wife. Maybe if he gives her AIDS that's when your eyes will open.

DarkRebel101:


If a man cannot hold out on sex for six months or for one year while his wife is away on studies, then maybe such a man shouldn't be married in the first place. If the worse meets the insufferable worse, couldn't he have wankëd his way out of his sexual conundrum?

...

I believe relationships are about sacrifices, not conveniences. And I'm certain that were the situation in inverse, and were the man the one absent due to his academic pursuits, there wouldn't be as much cöck-a-doodle-doo; and if the woman were to tumble beneath the sheets with another man while her husband was chasing his PhD and whatnot, he wouldn't be blamed for her fickleness. I guess that's where gender bias comes into the picture.

I just don't understand why marriages are made to look like concentration camps where one's life aspirations and dreams must be shunted aside to make allowances for the marriage.

If the two parties involved can reconcile their differences and make concessions and reach compromises, I believe the marriage would run 90 minutes without a red card being flashed by either one of the partners.

Wanked? For how long?

Pls do not get me wrong. I am not in support of his actions or blaming the wife. What I'm saying is either way, which ever party leaves the other for a long time is not a very good idea and in the event that the person messes up, both are to blame.

I agree with you 100%, marriage is about sacrifice not convenience. It is not a concentration camp either. That is why I think she should have sacrificed the opportunity of studying abroad and gotten the degree in Nigeria to maintain her home. Sad enough her husband is not the type that can keep holding on while she is gone.

Some people do it and are OK with it, husband and wife staying put and waiting for each other but me, I no just like the idea at all at all.

SmartyPants:


I have to agree with you.

DarkRebel101 and the others:

As a man i cannot cheat on my wife (when i will have one) but to pretend that men are not the way men generally are will not help matters.

i remember one day my christian boss who goes to church twice a week, and dotes on his family, called me into his office and asked me "SmartyPants, is it wrong if i keep a girlfriend because my wife is not around" i was literally dumbfounded...i had no clue how to answer because on the one hand he and i both knew the answer but on the other, i knew exactly what sort of pressure he must have been facing.

The average man easily falls emotionally and sexually when lonely, and considers it a right to have sexual intercourse. Can you change that?? Unless you want to say you have found some brilliant technique for making people do the right thing against their wishes, then if the misbehavior of another person will affect you, then you yourself must do what you gotta do to survive. To reason otherwise could be compared to saying, people should not commit armed robbery, therefore i will not secure mysefl and my property. When you get robbed are you not secondarily to blame?

I'm not directly blaming the lady here as clearly her husband lacks self control and integrity, but what i am saying is that if you know that your husband lacks self control and integrity and you also care about your marriage, then you should do your best to not allow him the exposure that may bring out the worst in him.

Men are not any special snowflake that eat sex for food. After all there are reverend fathers. pls stop making excuses for infidelity.

RoadsAndGreen:
you did not address the issue. me I can't even imagine myself stay away from sex for that long and say am married. people have urge you know. it's natural.

It's not like she went off to study all by herself, it was an agreement btw the man and wife hence the decision for her to travel with the kids and am very sure he is the one footing their bills over there, so the olosho of a husband is in full support.

And she has traveled, hopefully keeping to her end of the bargain with her studies and being a good wife and mother to their kids, while he is here trying to start a III world war in his family

I'm actually more pissed at the comments here than the cheating spouse right now.

On one hand we have the mind your business ignorant crew who clearly read that the man has been having unprotected sex with this side chic thats got nothing on the wife in all standards. Yet same people will dispute stories about an entire family wiping off from the face of the earth due to exposure to HIV and AIDS from a philandering husband. I mean how low can a married man go exposing your beautiful family to such. This man has no regard for his wife and kids.

On the second hand we have eediots with no future ambition who think it's okay for a woman To let go her dreams and aspirations because she has to be by her husband like a monitoring spirit to prevent him from philandering. And then we wonder why we have few female professors, engineers and professionals when in this century many, including women(to my surprise) believe once your married as a woman that is the end of your dreams and aspirations. Your purpose is to worship your husband and ensure he never cheats on you. Jokers

Do people really think at all on this forum.? How can I be reading ignorant and extremely myopic comments in this age. Since when did distance become a determining factor for cheating.? What if one's spouse becomes ill for months? What if it was the hubby that travelled to give his family a better life (which usually occurs at one point or the other in a couple's life) and the wife becomes the Unrepentant cheat. Are we all going to blame him for doing so and then excuse the wife's behaviour?

For someone like Op to post this, he really must feel sad about the situation and holds his friend's wife in high regard. It's really unfortunate as this new karashika is even a threat to the family's existence right now as she has been making threats already.

My advice is that you hint the wife about this even if it has to be anonymous so she can at least come home briefly to assess the situation of things and make he decisions. There's no point asking you to talk to your friend as it's obvious it's not working.

Lastly, you might want to distance yourself from such a friend as well and let him know you can't keep being a friend with his reckless lifestyle. I just hope he doesn't realise the harm he's doing too late.

SmartyPants:


You are somehow contradicting yourself. If you say a man who would cheat, will always cheat, then he would surely cheat with or without "a convenient excuse".

Since according to the OP, this behavior started only when the "convenient excuse" presented itself, it still boils down to exactly what i said before:

If you know your man has such a weakness, then do not give him the "convenient excuse" that he needs to indulge himself.

cc tintingz

There is no contradiction there. I was following on from your comment of a man who has no self-control and integrity, if those two things are missing in a man's character, then he will cheat whether his wife is present or not.

MarieSucre:


Men are not any special snowflake that eat sex for food. After all there are reverend fathers. pls stop making excuses for infidelity.

Why are you putting words in my mouth?

Caracta:
A husband that would cheat would still cheat even if the wife gives up everything to stay at home and be his bedmate.

OP, if your friend refuses to listen to you, threaten to report him to a sibling or sever ties with him.

90% of women hear are advising the man to tell his friend's wife are all foolish!

most of you here do this same thing (be sleeping with other people's husband but coming here and be forming self righteousness)


mind your svpid business and stop concerning yourself with other people business! it pays a lot.



self righteous hypothetical naija woman!

Nothing much you can do the advise your friend..... it's him who has the power to change all this.

I don't even know how to castigate the man because this sort of thing usually happens when women leave their husband's for long periods.

So if a woman wants to be away from her husband for a while, she should factor it into part of the risks involved.

Although, to be fair if a man cherishes his marriage, his family and marital vows, he wouldn't be doing this rubbish.

adedayoa2:
nothing wrong o, marriage na one aspect out of many wey person get for life. What if she decides to study close to home.

What if she had only a Hobson's choice and Timbuktu was her only option? What if studying close to home wasn't a possibility?

ephi123:


It's her/his opinion. Everyone is entitled to what they think whether married, young, old or not.

OP,
The bigger issue here is the risk of him infecting his wife with an incurable disease.

Not when it comes to marriages. It is the reason you must know your partner before marriage. It's their life and their decision to marry. Not yours.

ephi123:


First thing that came to my mind as well. See how she carried the matter for head.

My sister, the line of reasoning tire me hence I had to ask ooo

Bollinger:


You are not married are you? And i think pretty young too. You just don't know do you?

A friend of mine's aunty is infected with HIV. Her husband gave it to her. He died about 4 months before she went foe testing. So pls tell me about "not being married" or "being young" can cure AIDS. Keep excusing infidelity. I hope you don't fall victim to it too.

MarieSucre:


A friend of mine's aunty is infected with HIV. Her husband gave it to her. He died about 4 months before she went foe testing. So pls tell me about "not being married" or "being young" can cure AIDS. Keep excusing infidelity. I hope you don't fall victim to it too.

I am not excusing infidelity. I have been married almost two decades so i know the value of it. You don't get involved in other people's marriages. You wouldn't understand till get married.

SmartyPants:


You are somehow contradicting yourself. If you say a man who would cheat, will always cheat, then he would surely cheat with or without "a convenient excuse".

Since according to the OP, this behavior started only when the "convenient excuse" presented itself, it still boils down to exactly what i said before:

If you know your man has such a weakness, then do not give him the "convenient excuse" that he needs to indulge himself.

cc tintingz

By your logic my mother should always lock her pot with padlock. if she does not lock it then she is giving me a "convenient excuse" to just lift the lid and steal meat. Thanks now I know how moral you are. Let's not hold people to responsibility. Let's allow everyone to lie, cheat, kill and fucck afterall we gave them "convenient excuse".