I don't know how they don't see this. Entitlement at its finest.

bukatyne:


90% of the time, when a man pays all the bills, the wife handles all the chores (division of labour).

90% of the time, when a woman pays all the bills, she is still expected/handles most of the chores herself else she is proud and using the husband as her 'houseboy' (the labour is only on her shoulders)

When you see a husband who has no qualms providing fully and doing all the chores when the wife is not sick, quote me.

My problem is not the fact that he only take care of electricity and water bills but he don't help in house chores and he loves to live a expenditure's lifestyle

My thought is that whoever bears the more financial burden of the home will do less house chores. For example: if a man provides 70% income to the home and the woman 30% then the women should take a domestic work load of 70% while the man 30% and vise versa

Op as a gender equality promoter I will advise you and your husband to engage in a peaceful and effective communication to sort out your issues as the illustration I gave. Success in your marital life

bukatyne:


You are not serious.

A god doesn't depend or expect anything from his subjects..... he provides everything as in everything. Life. Protection, provision, favour, mercy..... every single thing you can think of.

If a man wants to be a 'god', he better provide.

You cannot eat your cake and have it.

a god expects worship. obedience. he expects praises even if things don't go well.

get you definitions right.

@boma296:

Your husband sounds like a traditional husband who is eating his cake and having it.... He doesn't participate in chores and want extra meat etc. while he is not ready to provide all your needs ..... very tough I must say. I can imagine that every suggestion/decision of yours is seen through 'afteral, you are the breadwinner so you are insubordinate etc'.....

I already feel your frustration and except things change, you will only feel worse.

1. Since you are the more financially prudent fellow, take the responsibility of handling your family finance. Have a joint account worth N320k and draw a monthly budget for food, savings, fees, rent, soft loans etc. and stick to it. Also ensure he is carried along i.e. discuss it with him/ consult him while drawing the budget. 'So honey we need to start budgeting our finances in excel/paper to have a financial plan' etc. Henceforth, hubby is not 'allowed' to have a loan without discussing it with you and any loan must be towards a joint project.... fees, rent etc. Ditto you... so either of you can't decide to start an Ajo or buy a dress etc. without consulting the budget together.

2. Cut your coat according to your cloth: the fact you can pay for a 150k schoolfees today doesn't mean you can afford it. Your income is in a cycle and except you earn side cash, is fixed. An stretch or strain will be felt in coming months. Going back to the budget, list want you buy monthly to see where your money goes..... you will be surprised. Also project the kids fees, rent, home maintenance and see if it is sustainable. I like excel for my budgeting.

3. Hubby must be more effective at home: Not necessarily because he earns less but because he needs to pull his weight in your marriage more... You are investing way much than you are getting in your marriage's emotional account and you are hitting a dedicit. I will assume that a civil servant has more time than a Telcom worker.... when he gets home, let him fill in where ever he needs to so you pitch in when you are back and that way, no ball is dropped.

4. Side Business/ improvement: Referencing point 3, your husband has more time and a lot of people want govt jobs because of the 'flexibility'. If your husband is business oriented, let him do a business he is passionate about. If he is career oriented, let him do the necessary certifications and move to a better place. You might need to clean up his CV, teach him modern ways to answer interviews etc as you have more experience.

You are both in it and should both invest your all in it.

All the very best.

SonsOfLiverpool:
a god expects worship. obedience. he expects praises even if things don't go well.

get you definitions right.

A god who doesn't provide, heal and protect is powerless and doesn't deserve to be worshipped.

SonsOfLiverpool:
a god expects worship. obedience. he expects praises even if things don't go well.

get you definitions right.

Which god? The one you worship?

Doesn't your god provide all the things you need? Or you send him Amala money?

Does your god not show you love and compassion?

Does your god not promise you all the best in life and life after?

I am not concerned if you are a god in your marriage or not.... But if you are a god, know your duties.

All the gods I know/hear people worship are ascribed in been all knowing, all seeing, merciful, self sufficient, immortal, and they all use their powers to make the lives of their worshippers easier.

And I will bet that most people even obey humans more than god.

bukatyne:


90% of the time, when a man pays all the bills, the wife handles all the chores (division of labour).

90% of the time, when a woman pays all the bills, she is still expected/handles most of the chores herself else she is proud and using the husband as her 'houseboy' (the labour is only on her shoulders)

When you see a husband who has no qualms providing fully and doing all the chores when the wife is not sick, quote me.

not all men are like that.

if you know your history well things are changing. let's take a step at a time to resolve this issues.

cococandy:
I don't know how they don't see this. Entitlement at its finest.

Honestly, the subjectiveness a lot of posters use to discuss especially during gender issues amaze me.

Most of the men who except their wives to handle bulk of the chores are prepared to provide.

Those who don't obviously have problems in their marriages.

That your husband is using you, he wants you to spend your money while he saves his. He may be having a hidden bank account u don't know. People like this can be so funny especially when he doesn't provide money for his own children.

proudafrogal:


A god who doesn't provide, heal and protect is powerless and doesn't deserve to be worshipped.

not all will be healed. even God won't heal everybody on earth. there's always got to be issues. how we manage it is what matters.

SonsOfLiverpool:
not all men are like that.

if you know your history well things are changing. let's take a step at a time to resolve this issues.

You are quoting me prematurely.

When you see a husband who handles all the finances and does bulk/all of the chores when the wife is not sick without complaints, let me know.

Till then, keep searching

P.S.: I have not said the traditional method is bad so no need for Change if it is works for you.

Rukkydelta:
My problem is not the fact that he only take care of electricity and water bills but he don't help in house chores and he loves to live a expenditure's lifestyle

My thought is that whoever bears the more financial burden of the home will do less house chores. For example: if a man provides 70% income to the home and the woman 30% then the women should take a domestic work load of 70% while the man 30% and vise versa

Op as a gender equality promoter I will advise you and your husband to engage in a peaceful and effective communication to sort out your issues as the illustration I gave. Success in your marital life

@Bold: what if the person contributing lower also has less time? So I contribute 30% income and should do 70% chores.... what if I work longer hours than my husband? Or my husband works from home or his presence is only needed in the office per time? Or he has his own business with flexible hours?

How do you also decide a % of the chores? What is 70% like?

@op, you would not be the first or last woman to be in this type of situation you are in. Split your salary of £250K into 4 places as follows:

62.5k – Savings (COMPULSORY)

62.5k – Yourself

62.5k – Children’s expenses

62.5k – Miscellaneous/feeding for household/rent and other expenses

If you carry on the way you are currently going, the resentment for the situation you are in will build up so much that everything your husband does will irritate you and cause unnecessary quarrel. There is a reason why a man is the head of his house which SHOULD include providing and catering for his family both materially and otherwise. ENOUGH SAID.

bukatyne:


90% of the time, when a man pays all the bills, the wife handles all the chores (division of labour).

90% of the time, when a woman pays all the bills, she is still expected/handles most of the chores herself else she is proud and using the husband as her 'houseboy' (the labour is only on her shoulders)

When you see a husband who has no qualms providing fully and doing all the chores when the wife is not sick, quote me.

So what is your point now. That the man shd start doing chores? Just say it in plain words...that after they courted for adequate time before marriage and they both agree to go into the marriage knowing the risk such a high income difference could pose, they can now exchange duties, while d wife takes her position as d head of the home because she's paying bills, the hubby is to switch to wife post and do d chores.

If you want your thought justified just ask God to remove your womb and put it in ur husband then give you a penniis so that it will be clear that womanhood is a burden than a privilege.

Instead of advising a troubled op, you're debating between a man and a woman in marriage. Did she mention chores to you? The issue is finances here.

Rukkydelta:
My problem is not the fact that he only take care of electricity and water bills but he don't help in house chores and he loves to live a expenditure's lifestyle

My thought is that whoever bears the more financial burden of the home will do less house chores. For example: if a man provides 70% income to the home and the woman 30% then the women should take a domestic work load of 70% while the man 30% and vise versa


Op as a gender equality promoter I will advise you and your husband to engage in a peaceful and effective communication to sort out your issues as the illustration I gave. Success in your marital life

Whoever tries this will destroy his/her family beyond repairs. Husband and wives shouldn't be competing financially or allocating duties based on financial power. Most times, those who work less actually earn more.

RadicallyBlunt:

So what is your point now. That the man shd start doing chores? Just say it in plain words...that after they courted for adequate time before marriage and they both agree to go into the marriage knowing the risk such a high income difference could pose, they can now exchange duties, while d wife takes her position as d head of the home because she's paying bills, the hubby is to switch to wife post and do d chores.

If you want your thought justified just ask God to remove your womb and put it in ur husband then give you a penniis so that it will be clear that womanhood is a burden than a privilege.

Instead of advising a troubled op, you're debating between a man and a woman in marriage. Did she mention chores to you? The issue is finances here.

Eliba:
That your husband is using you, he wants you to spend your money while he saves his. He may be having a hidden bank account u don't know. People like this can be so funny especially when he doesn't provide money for his own children.

This is not the answer to her question. She's not saying he shdnt save. Many women do same too without their husband's knowledge. She knows she has to spend more since as a couple, she is d one who earns more. Her heartcry is for him to show support and understanding.

Don't wave off the main point here.

Yes. Why not?

RadicallyBlunt:

So what is your point now. That the man shd start doing chores ? Just say it in plain words...that after they courted for adequate time before marriage and they both agree to go into the marriage knowing the risk such a high income difference could pose, they can now exchange duties, while d wife takes her position as d head of the home because she's paying bills, the hubby is to switch to wife post and do d chores.

If you want your thought justified just ask God to remove your womb and put it in ur husband then give you a penniis so that it will be clear that womanhood is a burden than a privilege.

Instead of advising a troubled op, you're debating between a man and a woman in marriage. Did she mention chores to you? The issue is finances here.

RadicallyBlunt:

So what is your point now. That the man shd start doing chores? Just say it in plain words...that after they courted for adequate time before marriage and they both agree to go into the marriage knowing the risk such a high income difference could pose, they can now exchange duties, while d wife takes her position as d head of the home because she's paying bills, the hubby is to switch to wife post and do d chores.

If you want your thought justified just ask God to remove your womb and put it in ur husband then give you a penniis so that it will be clear that womanhood is a burden than a privilege.

Instead of advising a troubled op, you're debating between a man and a woman in marriage. Did she mention chores to you? The issue is finances here.

Owning a peniis doesn't make a man. It takes great responsibility. Beyond money issue, his weight should be felt as a father,husband and caretaker. His attitude towards the family will make him go out of his way to make his family happy. Marriage is not a power tussle, not mine at least.

It is meant to be two people making life easier for each other. When you love someone genuinely,you are not thinking about whether you are the man/woman of the house,god/disciple or whatever. There is no master or servant. You are a team. You work together towards a goal and help each other achieve their dreams.

Giving just 15%of his salary is totally irresponsible and selfish.There is no need sugar coating or twisting it. I know what responsibility from a husband is. This man is far from it

cococandy:
Yes. Why not?

Why pick up only a phrase out of many. Besides did the op complain about chores to you? Her complain is finances. However the chores have been going on is ok to her... perhaps he does some or he even does everything..whichever d case is. Chores isn't d op's problem and she's not looking for marital debate madam advicer.

Divorce him, it feels like you are married to yourself

ImaIma1:


Owning a peniis doesn't make a man. It takes great responsibility. Beyond money issue, his weight should be felt as a father,husband and caretaker. His attitude towards the family will make him go out of his way to make his family happy. Marriage is not a power tussle, not mine at least.

It is meant to be two people making life easier for each other. When you love someone genuinely,you are not thinking about whether you are the man/woman of the house,god/disciple or whatever. There is no master or servant. You are a team. You work together towards a goal and help each other achieve their dreams.

Giving just 15%of his salary is totally irresponsible and selfish.There is no need sugar coating or twisting it. I know what responsibility from a husband is. This man is far from it

Neither am I saying he is responsible. That little financial contribution is op's problem and its clear enough. The person I quoted is talking about house chores that didn't even appear in op's discussion.

RadicallyBlunt:

Why pick up only a phrase out of many. Besides did the op complain about chores to you? Her complain is finances. However the chores have been going on is ok to her... perhaps he does some or he even does everything..whichever d case is. Chores isn't d op's problem and she's not looking for marital debate madam advicer.

Why did you?

cococandy:

Why did you?

When you're in your right senses, go back and re-read my post. I quote with adequate detail. If there anyone you think there's any I'm yet to defend, call my attention to it.

bukatyne:


When you see a husband who has no qualms providing fully and doing all the chores when the wife is not sick, quote me.

Biko Mummim, i just saw a Man like that oh, he's one of our newly married neighbours

I just love the drama in this family section. Where married women always come out aggressively. Never a dull moment. Haha

cut down on expenses, tell him due to the hard times they've cut down on salary, tell him you need a helping hand too.
but come to think of it, he is happy and free, talking to him won't solve anything, you need counseling, convince him to follow you for counseling when you sit Down for counseling open everything.
make him unaware

OP how did you end up marrying this kind of man sef ?

Has he always earned lower than you?

How can you marry a man earning lower than you ?

As far as i'm concerned, He kinda has no Ambition.

This is like Tiwa savage and Tee bliss

Acidosis:
If 70k is all he earns monthly and you go ahead to put your kids in a 200k/term school, then get ready to pay the bills alone.


You're being sympathetic to the whole situation. I believe you know how much he earns before you married him, so try and adjust events. If he fails to renew the coming rent, then you guys should relocate to a 1 room apartment, anywhere his 70k salary can acquire.

For as long as you (especially) is not ready to see your kids stay out of school; or reduce your meal to 1-0-1; or change from beef to kpomo, there is NOTHING he can do about it. His salary is fixed, and you know this before you married him!

You have a point here, but what do you have to say about him taking loans at work, dressing in a flashy manner while contributing very little to the home? Yes, who earns more does more _that's the standard, but this man here is reckless even with the little he has.

She doesn't have to pay the bills alone, they have to meet halfway and contribute based on the ratio of their earnings.

70:250 is approx ratio 1:4, that's how they should be contributing.

dingbang:
Biko please what can 70k salary achieve in this Nigeria... You are not a supportive wife...

I have been following your posts for a while and I must say this is a huge disappointment...really expected more from you, bro!

This is not about how much he earns. It is about his financial responsibility.


I don't think there is much you can do without him flipping out. IMO, I think k you should conduct you and your children affairs as if you are a single mother, as if he is no longer in the picture. Basically, you have to learn to save no matter what. Let all financials be in you name, not in both of your names. Cut down expenses significantly. You can have a weekly budget etc etc.

Acidosis:
If 70k is earns monthly and you o ahead to put your kids in a 200k/term school, then get ready to pay the bills alone.


You're being sympathetic to the whole situation. I believe you know how much he earns before you married him, so try and adjust events. If he fails to renew the coming rent, then you guys should relocate to a 1 room apartment, anywhere his 70k salary can acquire.

For as long as you (especially) is not ready to see your kids stay out of school; or reduce your meal to 1-0-1; or change from beef to kpomo, there is NOTHING he can do about it. His salary is fixed, and you know this before you married him!

FortuneTeller:
I'm not here to break up your marriage, but your husband is using you. He may even be spending the little bit he had on another woman. I will reserve my advice but I don't think you will be happy this way for long.

The bold is wrong...u don't make such insinuations when u don't even know the man in question.

You are plainly been used.
You are carrying out both the husband's and wifely duties in the Union, while he relaxes and take advantage of it.

Cut back on what you give out, if your children's school fees is expensive, change school, seek a cheaper one also with quality, do not pay the next rent, decide and find with him where he can afford to pay for within his capability, ask him for money for the house upkeep, foodstuffs and the likes, you can augment if not enough.
Stop doing more than yourself, it's cos he knows you will surely carry up all the responsibilities that he decided to live the extravagant life he can't afford like a bachelor. Men earning 40K are taking care of their families, he has no excuse.
And have a fixed savings, have a separate account you drop a fixed part of your salary in every month, I won't advise to have a joint account with him, he could use the I am the head, you are proud cos you earn more mantra to keep having his way yo use that funds anyhow.
And I don't think you should think of having any child for now, unless you can cope with the extra finances.

He will claim to be the man of the house, the head of the house, he has to provide, you can help augment where necessary but do not allow him take you for granted by living like a single mother while married with another extra big baby.

Imagine not dropping money for foodstuffs and wanting to chop more than a meat per food. Ah ah , who does that.
I hope he turns a new leaf soon, cos your children are still young, the financial burden can only get worse and with a carefree man as husband, it won't be easy.