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Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? - Romance - Nairaland

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Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 2:35am On Mar 05, 2018
Been dating for a year now. I am American. He is Nigerian. Im a white, very overweight, divorced mother of 6. He is 6 years younger than me without kids or a wife. Says he lives alone. Has asked for money at times. Ive sent about $2k collectively in the last year. He was denied a visa back in Sept. I quit my very lucrative job of 4 years just to see if he would leave and he hasnt yet (its been 4 months since a quit and I do have other income just not as much as before). I have sent $100 in the last 2 months or so.

Anyway. We exchanged FB Messenger passwords about 6 months ago to enhance trust between us. I recently decided to look at his Instagram out of curiosity since it was linked with his FB account. I dont think he knew I would do so. A few months back we had some issues because an ex of his contacted and I also saw some inappropriate comments under a "friend" of his on FB so I made him delete the friend and he told me his ex (who is Scottish) was also told to lose his number (though I have no proof of that). He wants to get married both in Nigeria and in the States. Ive talked to his mother a few times.

Whie looking at his Instagram I noticed he connected back with the "friend" who is VERY beautiful, no kids, and in Nigeria. He said their convos were just of a "joking" nature and I dont buy it. After I responded in the convo to let her know he is with someone, she also said they were "joking" but I think shes just covering for him because she feels bad for him.

Here's some screenshots. Hes telljng me I just dont "understand" the context. I call bullshit. He also had several other convos with women, mostly Nigerian and American, calling them pretty, wanting to "get to know them", etc.

Im getting sick of it honestly and I am faithful. I am overweight but I am still attractive as I have men trying to get my attention regularly.

Honest opinions, please.

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 2:36am On Mar 05, 2018
More of the conversations he had with this woman "friend" of his. The last one is with a different woman.

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 2:43am On Mar 05, 2018
Some of the comments under the "friends" pictures...

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 2:45am On Mar 05, 2018
I could go on and on. I feel he only apologized to appease me...not because he felt he was wrong. But if I were to do this, I am willing to bet it would be an issue.

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 2:54am On Mar 05, 2018
And just before people say I must be ugly for someone to agree to be in a long distance relationship...im not. Nor am I desperate. He said he was well traveled and would be able to visit soon and obtain a visa.

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Ekugbeh(m): 3:12am On Mar 05, 2018
Alaye double ur hustle

2 Likes

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by QueenSuccubus(f): 3:20am On Mar 05, 2018
cool

U sent a message to the girl saying that u we're engaged to this guy but u used the word WAS (past tense).. It means ur no longer engaged with him..

Maybe in Ng, nobody knows about you coz he openly flirted with bunch of women down there without telling them that he is having a relationship with an American woman & he was engaged that time..

He cheated on you several times & definitely he will keep cheating if u keep forgiving him..I think letting him go is the only solution here.. Any relationship will not work if TRUST, LOYALTY & HONESTY are broken Ma'am..

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 3:24am On Mar 05, 2018
And that will go both ways. I'm no fool and won't tolerate being played. I've CHOSEN to be celibate for the last year to wait for him. And it certainly is a choice. I guess he didn't get this memo:

When a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever. I'll mourn forever. Shit, I gotta deal with the fact I did you wrong forever. ��✌�

1 Like

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 3:27am On Mar 05, 2018
I stated 'was' because at the time of finding this out, I was so angry that I wanted nothing to do with him. I am all over his facebook and it states we are in a relationship. I also made him change his profile pic on Instagram and Whatsapp. But...who wants to constantly think if their partner is cheating on them? He wont even admit that he was. He said all of those conversations were simply of a "joking" nature.

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by QueenSuccubus(f): 3:43am On Mar 05, 2018
Charris2284:
I stated 'was' because at the time of finding this out, I was so angry that I wanted nothing to do with him. I am all over his facebook and it states we are in a relationship. I also made him change his profile pic on Instagram and Whatsapp. But...who wants to constantly think if their partner is cheating on them? He wont even admit that he was. He said all of those conversations were simply of a "joking" nature.


That is a nature of a cheater.. grin Everything on them is juz a joke & will keep begging how sorry they are...

And the worse, these bitches he's flirting with don't give a fuccck as well..Ur booboo must be acting like a big Boi in Ng that's why these sleazy hoes are craving for him..

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 3:49am On Mar 05, 2018
QueenSuccubus:



That is a nature of a cheater.. grin Everything on them is juz a joke & will keep begging how sorry they are...

And the worse, these bitches he's flirting with don't give a fuccck as well..Ur booboo must be acting like a big Boi in Ng that's why these sleazy hoes are craving for him..

He is very attractive and I think he has a prior reputation on being a player in college. Its hard for me to try to decipher some of the pidgin, but thats what Ive gathered from some of his convos with his guy friends.

I only stress that I am very overweight because all of his exes are thin. I'm no where close to being thin. So...it stands to reason: why would a young single attractive man without kids, want to initiate a marriage with a slightly older divorced fat woman with 6 kids? Hm. Hes always treated me lovingly and nicely, and pulled me in by saying he was always cheated on by women and just cant see himself dealing with Nigerian women because theyve treated him oh so badly. He said his Scottish ex cheated on him too and treated him like child.

I just honestly think he wants my money or papers because obviously he isnt attracted to big women and he think all big women are desperate. There are too many men lusting after me for me to have a chance to be desperate. Smh.

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by VampireeM(f): 3:50am On Mar 05, 2018
Charris2284:
I stated 'was' because at the time of finding this out, I was so angry that I wanted nothing to do with him. I am all over his facebook and it states we are in a relationship. I also made him change his profile pic on Instagram and Whatsapp. But...who wants to constantly think if their partner is cheating on them? He wont even admit that he was. He said all of those conversations were simply of a "joking" nature. So...it stands to reason: why would a young single attractive man without kids, want to initiate a marriage with a slightly older divorced fat woman with 6 kids?

Madam you got it all wrong. Here in naija, even if a man professes love for you to the whole world and claims to be committed if he wants to cheat on you in the next hour he will comfortably do so.
I don't have any advice to give cause I don't know your partner asides what you just wrote. IMO, if there is no trust and you keep having doubts about your partner, its better to take a break. I just hope you not a means to an end for him to get Green Card @ proposing marriage even though he is not attracted to big Ladies.

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Nobody: 3:53am On Mar 05, 2018
Have You Finished Loving Your White Guys Before Coming To nigeria? Alot Of Nigerians are Scammer, they Will Extort you Dry And Leave You In Depression... The Smart Guys Are Scarce These Days, dumb Ones Everywhere

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by CsRockefeller(m): 3:55am On Mar 05, 2018
Charris2284:
And just before people say I must be ugly for someone to agree to be in a long distance relationship...im not. Nor am I desperate. He said he was well traveled and would be able to visit soon and obtain a visa.

Wow!! You deserve much better

1 Like

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 3:56am On Mar 05, 2018
VampireeM:


Madam you got it all wrong. Here in naija, even if a man professes love for you to the whole world and claims to be committed if he wants to cheat on you in the next hour he will comfortably do so.
I don't have any advice to give cause I don't know your partner asides what you just wrote. IMO, if there is no trust and you keep having doubts about your partner, its better to take a break. I just hope you not a means to an end for him.

He's made it seem that he has never "shown" a woman out before and that it made it official (this happened back in July). He's told me that he isn't using me and its not a sham because I've talked to his mother and that his parents would never approve of such behavior. His parents and siblings no about me and have asked me personally when am I coming so we could plan for the marriage. But I seriously have my doubts now. And when he showed me his screenshot of his Whatsapp (because I know he is talking to women on it)...I noticed his mother's number wasnt even saved. It just showed her number. Idk. Id be saving my moms number. Just weird. The whole thing is weird and a year of my life has been invested in this.

He doesnt work. I mean...he says hes an entrepreneur. Whatever he means by that. But he doesnt make much because about once a month...sometimes more sometimes less, he will ask if I can send some money and then claim to hate to ask me for it. He says we are engaged but never bought me a ring.

Im just...mad at myself. Because my gut is never wrong. Women have an incredible sense of intuition....

1 Like

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Nobody: 3:56am On Mar 05, 2018
You Even Send Him Money. Smh... Keep Waiting, he Will Arrive In America Soon maybe 2003

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:02am On Mar 05, 2018
DeadRat:
Have You Finished Loving Your White Guys Before Coming To nigeria? Alot Of Nigerians are Scammer, they Will Extort you Dry And Leave You In Depression... The Smart Guys Are Scarce These Days, dumb Ones Everywhere

I dont date white men. Never have. Only black (African American) men. And the ones here are just...truly awful. Ive always been fascinated by African cultures and had even a tattoo of the continent placed on my arm a few years back. So when he messaged me....at first I was taken aback and really didnt take him seriously. Then I thought "Well it isnt working out with the American men...why not try the very men of the place Ive been so fascinated with?"

That proved to be a wrong decision. All men, from every corner of the world, are users and cheaters and liars. Just breaks my heart, honestly. But I guess my only choices are to remain alone or to hurt men as much as theyve hurt me.

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:02am On Mar 05, 2018
CsRockefeller:


Wow!! You deserve much better

Thank you.
Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by VampireeM(f): 4:03am On Mar 05, 2018
Charris2284:


He's made it seem that he has never "shown" a woman out before and that it made it official (this happened back in July). He's told me that he isn't using me and its not a sham because I've talked to his mother and that his parents would never approve of such behavior. His parents and siblings no about me and have asked me personally when am I coming so we could plan for the marriage. But I seriously have my doubts now. And when he showed me his screenshot of his Whatsapp (because I know he is talking to women on it)...I noticed his mother's number wasnt even saved. It just showed her number. Idk. Id be saving my moms number. Just weird. The whole thing is weird and a year of my life has been invested in this.

He doesnt work. I mean...he says hes an entrepreneur. Whatever he means by that. But he doesnt make much because about once a month...sometimes more sometimes less, he will ask if I can send some money and then claim to hate to ask me for it. He says we are engaged but never bought me a ring.

Im just...mad at myself. Because my gut is never wrong. Women have an incredible sense of intuition....

wow. Its possible he is a scammer and you just a means to an end. It would surprise you on how many social media accounts he has with diff names and telling same pathetic tales to other lonely white women out there he can take advantage of. Its so glaring you been used and he is taking advantage of you by showering you fake attention and sweet words/lies.

Please just work on your weight and try to build your self esteem. Be happy and focus on raising your kids. Have fun and flings too with friends you seeing and not some dimwit over the internet trying to toy with your feelings.

6 Likes

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:04am On Mar 05, 2018
DeadRat:
You Even Send Him Money. Smh... Keep Waiting, he Will Arrive In America Soon maybe 2003

I know he actually did apply and interviewed to get a visa. I saw the paperwork they sent to him. I saw pictures of him in the office in I think it was Lagos. Maybe Abuja. Cant remember but he had to fly there for the interview. He was denied by the consular.
Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:06am On Mar 05, 2018
VampireeM:


wow. Its possible he is a scammer and you just a means to an end. It would surprise you on how many social media accounts he has with diff names and telling same pathetic tales to other lonely white women out there he can take advantage of. Its so glaring you been used and he is taking advantage of you by showering you fake attention and sweet words/lies.

I wasnt lonely though? I think he assumed I was because of my size. He does have 2 FB accounts of the same name. Ive seen his passport. Ive talked over the phone to his mother. Ive seen him on video. I dont think he is lying about his identity. But I do think he is cheating and possibly using me.
Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by VampireeM(f): 4:11am On Mar 05, 2018
Charris2284:


I wasnt lonely though? I think he assumed I was because of my size. He does have 2 FB accounts of the same name. Ive seen his passport. Ive talked over the phone to his mother. Ive seen him on video. I dont think he is lying about his identity. But I do think he is cheating and possibly using me.

its not about being fat, slim, short etc but the fact that you are vulnerable. All those can be faked! Maybe he is not lying about his identity that doesn't mean he is committed to you as you are to him. The distance is much and so don't expect commitment. I am wondering why you defending him even when your instincts are giving you clues.

6 Likes

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Nobody: 4:13am On Mar 05, 2018
Charris2284:


I know he actually did apply and interviewed to get a visa. I saw the paperwork they sent to him. I saw pictures of him in the office in I think it was Lagos. Maybe Abuja. Cant remember but he had to fly there for the interview. He was denied by the consular.

Chill Miss! I Didnt Mean To Break Your Heart With My Words. There Are Good Men Every Where, you Probably Just Finding The Bad Ones... You Are Not The First And Wouldnt Be The Last. There Are Great Men In Your Country As Well As over... With Africans You Never Be 100% certain but We Must Take The Risk. Just Play Smart. Dont Send Money Like Santa; once You Do That You're on The Loosing side

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:18am On Mar 05, 2018
DeadRat:
Chill Miss! I Didnt Mean To Break Your Heart With My Words. There Are Good Men Every Where, you Probably Just Finding The Bad Ones... You Are Not The First And Wouldnt Be The Last. There Are Great Men In Your Country As Well As over... With Africans You Never Be 100% certain but We Must Take The Risk. Just Play Smart. Dont Send Money Like Santa; once You Do That You're on The Loosing side

No you didnt insult me or break my heart. I was just expressing my views based on my dealings with men in general.
Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Nobody: 4:18am On Mar 05, 2018
Yahoo Boys Get Smarter Every Fvckin Day. You're Beautiful Doesnt Attract Pity. You're Fat And Need A Man Doesnt Attract Pity. You Say You Aint lonely; if You Have Enough Men In Your Friend Zone I'm Quite Sure You Wouldnt have Much Time For This Nigga

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:22am On Mar 05, 2018
VampireeM:


its not about being fat, slim, short etc but the fact that you are vulnerable. All those can be faked! Maybe he is not lying about his identity that doesn't mean he is committed to you as you are to him. The distance is much and so don't expect commitment. I am wondering why you defending him even when your instincts are giving you clues.

Im not defending him. I was just trying to explain the situation entirely. My understanding of scams and shams (and I could very well be ignorant to this subject) is that scams typically involve someone who will not expose their true identity (via live video) and the shams are when both parties agree that it is not a true marriage. A foreigner pays the citizen of a country money to marry so that the foreigner can obtain a green card. Idk. I definitely feel he is cheating on me. And Im torn if he is just using me. So his own mother who is a deaconess of a church wpuld be willing to lie on her son? I mean why go through the trouble of a marriage in Nigeria if this was all for a green card? Wouldnt his family be embarrassed? I know my family would shame me if I did something horrible like that to someone.
Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:26am On Mar 05, 2018
DeadRat:
Yahoo Boys Get Smarter Every Fvckin Day. You're Beautiful Doesnt Attract Pity. You're Fat And Need A Man Doesnt Attract Pity. You Say You Aint lonely; if You Have Enough Men In Your Friend Zone I'm Quite Sure You Wouldnt have Much Time For This Nigga

I dont entertain those men anymore and stopped when we decided to be together. It doesnt mean that when I go out that men dont ask for my number or stay in my inbox? Trust me lol I could have my attention focused elsewhere if I chose to. When I am committed, I am fully. When Im not, I am definitely free in all aspects and do what I want. And maybe its just time to be free again.

I dont want pity. I just wanted objective opinions on how those convos went in the screenshots I provided because he keeps implying that I just cant understand the context because I dont know pidgin well and Im not part of the Nigerian culture. To which I call bullshit.
Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Nobody: 4:37am On Mar 05, 2018
Be careful ma'am, your boy may be a love scammer. Stop sending him money for a long time and watch his reaction closely.

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 4:52am On Mar 05, 2018
CaptainJeffry:
Be careful ma'am, your boy may be a love scammer. Stop sending him money for a long time and watch his reaction closely.

I didnt send him money for a month or maybe 2. Im assuming that is not a very reliable timeframe to gauge his true intentions? Ive told him several times I cannot send money anymore and he never gets angry. Sometimes he gets very worried and stressed and sad, saying he has so many burdens and that he hates to ask me for money. But every so often he will.

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Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by linearity: 5:07am On Mar 05, 2018
Charris2284:


He's made it seem that he has never "shown" a woman out before and that it made it official (this happened back in July). He's told me that he isn't using me and its not a sham because I've talked to his mother and that his parents would never approve of such behavior. His parents and siblings no about me and have asked me personally when am I coming so we could plan for the marriage. But I seriously have my doubts now. And when he showed me his screenshot of his Whatsapp (because I know he is talking to women on it)...I noticed his mother's number wasnt even saved. It just showed her number. Idk. Id be saving my moms number. Just weird. The whole thing is weird and a year of my life has been invested in this.

He doesnt work. I mean...he says hes an entrepreneur. Whatever he means by that. But he doesnt make much because about once a month...sometimes more sometimes less, he will ask if I can send some money and then claim to hate to ask me for it. He says we are engaged but never bought me a ring.

Im just...mad at myself. Because my gut is never wrong. Women have an incredible sense of intuition....

You better cut your loses....

You are even suspicious if the person you spoke with is her mom...even if the individual is her mom and you have also spoken with his father and all his siblings, that is not a guaranteed against cheating.

If he want to still cheat, he will do it, even openly in front of his parents and siblings and they will not tell you of it. They have a tighter bond with him than you and as such, they will flow more with him. Plus Nigeria tolerants polygamy and cheating, and in some quarters, it is not a big deal.

In my local tribe in Nigeria, there is an adage aka proverbs when roughly translated into English goes like this...”sticking to only one pussy kills the penis”.

Now, not all Nigeria men are cheat. But, you have confirmed that, your guy was a cheat, especially when he was in college, that he is handsome, he knows his way around women, flirts with them easily and both of you are in a long distant relationship for more than or about one year...Girl! You don’t need a crystal ball to know that he is cheating.

Despite your insistence; it appear that you see your ‘weight’ as a negative. You mentioned your weight and kids several times as a potential negatives compare to the positives on the guy’s end and am certain that you must have found out that, these are areas of friction in your relationship with him. What I don’t get is, why you are hoping that, against all odds, that this will somehow automatically work out.

Though you said you are not desperate, but the rate at which you are ignoring these tell tale signs smacks on desperation. Plus, you have settled into the belief that, you guys are engage, but you have no ring to show for it and you are the one supporting this guy. You don’t even know what he does for a living and yet, you want to marry him.Agreed, you have invested a lot of time and cash on this relationship...but, a bad investment does not automatically turn into a good one, if one continue to invest, the best outcome is to cut your loses and take a hike.

2 Likes

Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 5:23am On Mar 05, 2018
linearity:


You better cut your loses....

You are even suspicious if the person you spoke with is her mom...even if the individual is her mom and you have also spoken with his father and all his siblings, that is not a guaranteed against cheating.

If he want to still cheat, he will do it, even openly in front of his parents and siblings and they will not tell you of it. They have a tighter bond with him than you and as such, they will flow more with him. Plus Nigeria tolerants polygamy and cheating, and in some quarters, it is not a big deal.

In my local tribe in Nigeria, there is an adage aka proverbs when roughly translated into English goes like this...”sticking to only one pussy kills the penis”.

Now, not all Nigeria men are cheat. But, you have confirmed that, your guy was a cheat, especially when he was in college, that he is handsome, he knows his way around women, flirts with them easily and both of you are in a long distant relationship for more than or about one year...Girl! You don’t need a crystal ball to know that he is cheating.

Despite your insistence; it appear that you see your ‘weight’ as a negative. You mentioned your weight and kids several times as a potential negatives compare to the positives on the guy’s end and am certain that you must have found out that, these are areas of friction in your relationship with him. What I don’t get is, why you are hoping that, against all odds, that this will somehow automatically work out.

Though you said you are not desperate, but the rate at which you are ignoring these tell tale signs smacks on desperation. Plus, you have settled into the belief that, you guys are engage, but you have no ring to show for it and you are the one supporting this guy. You don’t even know what he does for a living and yet, you want to marry him.Agreed, you have invested a lot of time and cash on this relationship...but, a bad investment does not automatically turn into a good one, if one continue to invest, the best outcome is to cut your loses and take a hike.

Appreciate the feedback immensely. He has never once complained about the kids and has made it clear that he wants children with me. I only mention my kids because in reality, not many men (especially without any kids) would seek out a woman with 6 kids. Hes talked with my kids and claims to love them. And since all of his exes are of the thinner body type, why all of a sudden would he venture to seek a bigger woman? Just doesnt make much sense to me. He did try to make a sham marriage happen (I read it on his messenger and confronted it with him) ...but that was years before we met. He was going to pay a woman money to marry him and obtain a green card in the states and he said he never wants his family to know about it. He is Yoruba and Christian and says he doesnt believe in polygamy.

I suppose I am desperate in a way. I am desperate for an answer and closure. Im not desperate for a man at this point in my life, as I was very reluctant in the beginning with him. And the sending of the money was because I felt bad for him and didnt want him to go hungry or be in trouble from unpaid loans. I also paid for the visa paperwork and travel.

Im just at a loss. Because I am invested now, emotionally more than anything. Just doesnt make sense to me that he wants me to come there, meet all his family, get married, just to come to the states and fer married and leave once he has a green card. Sounds like a lot of work and drama to live in a land of Donald Trump as president.
Re: Cheating Or Just Innocent Conversation? by Charris2284: 5:30am On Mar 05, 2018
The reason why I think he is a player or was a player at one time at least in school, is because some of the women he tries to initiate contact with are reluctant and he says to them "all because of what you heard?" and then his school friend says this in the screen shot below. This was said in FB Messenger after he made a long post about me tagging me and a picture of me in it, professing his undying love to me (after he got caught). For the last year he has had my picture as his cover picture so Im not sure why his FB friend is just now noticing he is in a relationship with me but...idk. To me, if I understand it right, he used to be a known player.

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