We used to be love birds before his parents came visiting us. I had very good relationship with his whole family before his parents came and spoilt it all. I am the quiet type that hardly react to things, but one thing I hate is oppression. Because of all they did to me, to the extent of me having a miscarriage as a result of stress, I lost trust in them. But in all those, after they left, I still called them to say hello because they remain my husband’s parents forever. Because of all they did to me, my husband promised me that they would not visit us anymore since I almost lost my life.
After a few months, my husband started to tell me his parents were coming from Nigeria to spend another six months with us. I felt betrayed by my husband. I started to feel he did not value my life. I am not against him showing love to his parents, in fact,I still sent them money. He knows that bring them into our home is trouble for me. The worst is that he is also bringing in his brother and his wife to come live with us for six months too. *His brother does not like me, because their parents don’t like me*. Even if he want to support his brother, he can do it outside our home. I even volunteered to work to help pay rent for his brother and his wife, because I want peace in my home. All these to no avail. When I complain about the way he put his family’s interest before me and our kids (our kids that his mother treated badly because she hate me, to the extent that the older one became scared of her) he tells me that I am being inconsiderate. Thousands of pounds were spent to take care of my medical bills when his parents were in our house. Though the govt paid it, but all the suffering was bore by me alone
I need advice please!!! My home has become a quarrel zone. We now hardly stay 1 week without quarelling, when I say anything, he relates it to his family and tells me he must help them. I am not against him helping them, but I think helping them from a distance is more healthy for the family we both have together. I believe in HEALTHY DISTANCE, but my husband do not see things in this light.
Please don’t mind my English.

For those of you who have come here to judge me, for the records, I got married to my husband in Nigeria before we moved out of the country. It will disappoint you to know that I got pregnant after we got married, and suffered with him to achieve all we have today. I did not meet him already made, we started our hustling together.

Maybe you may might understand my situation if you had a sister who married a man, struggled with him from the beginning, worked and gave him all her income, and did all she could to make him and his family happy, only to be seen as a weak person who they can use like she fell from the sky. Maybe if she also tells you that her husband bought a property in Nigeria with their sweat, but she has never set her eyes on the documents, not even a picture of it.
Maybe if she also told you that their kids became scared of his mother because of the way she treated them you might understand.
I kept quiet for years because I wanted peace. I gathered everything inside of me. What happens to an elastic when it is stretched beyond its limits? IT WILL CUT!!! Do you know that our physical well-being is controlled by our inner peace? Maybe you go do some research.
People just come out without thinking, making senseless replies because they know how to conderm others. If you face a quarter of what I faced, you will not live to tell the stories.
When you have daughters, or if you have sisters, you can marry them out to a man and tell him and his family to treat her she fell from the sky.

ummm

I wish you had enumerated what the parents did that led to the breakdown of the relationship. Though I agree that some people are just difficult plain and simple.

I'd advice you seek third party intervention. your husband should have someone he respects and listens to that can mediate.

If he doesn't then let it be for now but begin to set aside funds in case things degenerate and you have to leave with your children.

Prepare for their stay and start working towards guarding against issues when they arrive. If its food for eg that caused the prior complaints and issues please bulk cook or order food to have peace. Make your room a sanctuary for you and the children while they're around and avoid unnecessary interactions

Be careful, prayerful and watchful. Some battles can be won by towing the path of peace.

Good luck

Please where do you reside... That his parents and brother and his wife are coming to stay in your house like its their backyard... I saw pounds, I don't want to believe its in the UK

Refer him to go watch the movie "BATA" He will get sense

I think he is Insensitive to your cry and complain..

Call him and sit him down, have a heart to heart conversation with him.. Let him know your health is at stake here and you do love his parents like your own.

If u do this and nothing happens then stop saying anything to him again.... I will advise you to take a back seat and see how things unfold.

PATIENCE is the key here.... Before they label you a "nagging wife"

Inferiority complex "please don't mind my English"

It takes prayer to rise beyond challenges.
Truly, it’s not easy being in your shoes and your husband definitely has an obligation towards his family...but still, it takes a man with grace to listen and understand what his partner is going through

Never relent in your prayers and when you find a favourable time, try to sit him down and reach his heart with your words

I pray he comes around and realizes that as you became one in marriage, he needs to stand by you despite attachment to his parents and siblings

NewMe135:
We used to be love birds before his parents came visiting us. I had very good relationship with his whole family before his parents came and spoilt it all. I am the quiet type that hardly react to things, but one thing I hate is oppression. Because of all they did to me, to the extent of me having a miscarriage as a result of stress, I lost trust in them. But in all those, after they left, I still called them to say hello because they remain my husband’s parents forever. Because of all they did to me, my husband promised me that they would not visit us anymore since I almost lost my life.
After a few months, my husband started to tell me his parents were coming from Nigeria to spend another six months with us. I felt betrayed by my husband. I started to feel he did not value my life. I am not against him showing love to his parents, in fact,I still sent them money. He knows that bring them into our home is trouble for me. The worst is that he is also bringing in his brother and his wife to come live with us for six months too. *His brother does not like me, because their parents don’t like me*. Even if he want to support his brother, he can do it outside our home. I even volunteered to work to help pay rent for his brother and his wife, because I want peace in my home. All these to no avail. When I complain about the way he put his family’s interest before me and our kids (our kids that his mother treated badly because she hate me, to the extent that the older one became scared of her) he tells me that I am being inconsiderate. Thousands of pounds were spent to take care of my medical bills when his parents were in our house. Though the govt paid it, but all the suffering was bore by me alone
I need advice please!!! My home has become a quarrel zone. We now hardly stay 1 week without quarelling, when I say anything, he relates it to his family and tells me he must help them. I am not against him helping them, but I think helping them from a distance is more healthy for the family we both have together. I believe in HEALTHY DISTANCE, but my husband do not see things in this light.
Please don’t mind my English.

where are u frm which country?

Madame, I will inform you of the stark reality of your situation...stop basing your values on hysterical telenovelas.

Where were you when they were spending sleepless nights taking care of your husband for the first 3 decades of his life, making him into what he is today? Now you want to come out of nowhere into the picture and take him away from doing his duty to them. If my wife made a similar statement, that would be the beginning of the end of our marriage. When you marry a man, you marry his family, it is not an either... or... deal. If you are so fragile that the presence of his family affects your health, go stay in a hotel. They want to exercise their right upon their child and grandchildren.

No offense intended.

What are those bad things they(your parent in laws) did to you?
No sensible human being will judge based on one sided story.

NewMe135:
We used to be love birds before his parents came visiting us. I had very good relationship with his whole family before his parents came and spoilt it all. I am the quiet type that hardly react to things, but one thing I hate is oppression. Because of all they did to me, to the extent of me having a miscarriage as a result of stress, I lost trust in them. But in all those, after they left, I still called them to say hello because they remain my husband’s parents forever. Because of all they did to me, my husband promised me that they would not visit us anymore since I almost lost my life.
After a few months, my husband started to tell me his parents were coming from Nigeria to spend another six months with us. I felt betrayed by my husband. I started to feel he did not value my life. I am not against him showing love to his parents, in fact,I still sent them money. He knows that bring them into our home is trouble for me. The worst is that he is also bringing in his brother and his wife to come live with us for six months too. *His brother does not like me, because their parents don’t like me*. Even if he want to support his brother, he can do it outside our home. I even volunteered to work to help pay rent for his brother and his wife, because I want peace in my home. All these to no avail. When I complain about the way he put his family’s interest before me and our kids (our kids that his mother treated badly because she hate me, to the extent that the older one became scared of her) he tells me that I am being inconsiderate. Thousands of pounds were spent to take care of my medical bills when his parents were in our house. Though the govt paid it, but all the suffering was bore by me alone
I need advice please!!! My home has become a quarrel zone. We now hardly stay 1 week without quarelling, when I say anything, he relates it to his family and tells me he must help them. I am not against him helping them, but I think helping them from a distance is more healthy for the family we both have together. I believe in HEALTHY DISTANCE, but my husband do not see things in this light.
Please don’t mind my English.

Maybe you should threaten to move out if they come... Then see if he could change his mind...
The summary of everything is that marriages suck...

Farmerforlife:
Madame, I will inform you of the stark reality of your situation...stop basing your values on hysterical telenovelas.

Where were you when they were spending sleepless nights taking care of your husband for the first 3 decades of his life, making him into what he is today? Now you want to come out of nowhere into the picture and take him away from doing his duty to them. If my wife made a similar statement, that would be the beginning of the end of our marriage. When you marry a man, you marry his family, it is not an either... or... deal. If you are so fragile that the presence of his family affects your health, go stay in a hotel. They want to exercise their right upon their child and grandchildren.

No offense intended.

100% correct... Women think they can just hack into a man's life and become number one...

Try and talk to him to make his understand that you aren't comfortable with them, along with his brother + wife coming to live with you for another six months.

my dear, help urself in this situation for ur health sake, all u have to do is to be happy be the person to make urself happy, get urself busy with anything be it phone, tv, or books or even shoppings.

Stop making their presence get at you, dnt live in euphoria of their presence, dnt let their presence excites (affects u at all. What do i mean? U greet them with smiles

'goodmorng gudmorng

'am fine, ur night?

'oh thank God'
ur answer to their qus shud be monotonous. keep ur distance but while keeping ur distance dnt neglect ur husbands needs okay? Make ur room us a lively sanctuary like someone said earlier

DO NOT LET ANYONE DRAIN YOU EMOTIONALY, PHYSICALLY, HEALTHLY AND OTHERWISE

eezeribe:

100% correct... Women think they can just hack into a man's life and become number one...

Someone you knowingly married did not hack into your life. You made the vow to put them first

Stop sounding like an infant. Live with your parents forever if you may but don’t get married and then start treating your wife like she ‘hacked’ her way into your life

Op don’t you have your own family that can come and stay months too. Since he doesn’t want a nuclear family obviously, you can help him make it a more communal household by bringing your own family too. Let him know you also have a family that you miss and want to be around.

Doesn’t sound like the best option. But sometimes it takes people experiencing stuff to know how it makes others feel.

If he can’t cope with your siblings and parents coming to stay as much and as long as his are doing, then maybe he will adjust.

Hmmm, it is difficult to judge from your story only. Are u a full time house wife or working, are u supporting ur hubby in anyway or he is responsible for all the bills? How did u people got to the state u r staying presenlty I.e did he brought u or u did?

I have experienced what u are presently experiencing in the past but not as long as 6months (3people/ 2people for a month or 3wks every other month) It is not easy cos Africa in-laws take wife as slaves(no support in house chores). Even during pregnancy.
U need to endure and probably try ur best but not at the expense of ur family. U need to realise that even giving all ur earnings out so as to please them does not guarrantee that they will be satisfied.

Pray for wisdom to handle this situation cos it needs wisdom. Pray for strength as well to be able to endure and then since ur hubby did not see issues the way u see it(so was mine) u need to thread softly.

Two things restrained (they still come maybe once or twice a year for few days)them from our house.

1. During the pregnancy of our first child 2-3 people do come at a goal to stay for close to a month. I accomodated them, fed them single handedly did virtually all the house chores cos i was agile but our first child was born through CS.

There was enough food at home but I don't even come out of my room until maybe 10am(for a month). If u cannot cook, u will not eat ni ooo. When I was hungry and they don't cook I simply go out and get something for my self. I have beverages at my bedside with hot water. May be they felt slighted(they didn't say it cos we never fought) but when we had the second child they didnt come(who cares)

2. Hubby lost job(couldnt meet their demands anylonger).

May u receive wisdom from above to handle this situation.

Hope you have a regular job. If you do, then continue. Involve your kid(s) in a lot of afterschool activities and take them there in the evenings.
Let your visitors know they're free to cook and eat whatever they want. I'm sure your husbsnd is also more than capable providing money for and alzo buying groceries at home for the visitors. You can cook for everyone when you can, but don't do anything to your own detriment or inconveinence. Let them also cook for everyone when they can.
Show them how to use the washing machine and dishwasher so they can clean up after themselves or your hubby can show them.
I believe they can't be aggressive towards you, but if they are verbally abusive just let them know you won't tolerate that and they should respect themselves otherwise they can go stay in a hotel.
Just make sure your husband makes enough provision for his family. If they get the house dirty, kindly tell them to clean up after themselves. You can also hire cleaners that come in weekly to clean up the mess, hubby should be happy to pay for that in order to make his people's stay comfortable or he cleans up after them if they're too big to do so.
The main thing you just have to do is to learn to ignore a lot of things such as how quickly everywhere gets dirty, or the increase in bills. Juat take your eyes off such, and leave it for your hubby to sort out

Invite your family over too.also no need to please anyone.

If some days you go to work without eating,then do it. if other days you work over time, do it.

When people see say,you know they look their face,everyone(even hubby) will adjust or go back home.

But if they know they still have that hold on you,forget it,they will move in totally.

You married him, knowing that his family has no love for you?


Seems like you trapped a man with pregnancy in the UK with the hope that the young man will abandon and forget his family in Nigeria (like some dummy men do).

Don't ever try to snatch a man away from his family, it will backfire someday! The last thing any sensible man wants to hear from a woman is to abandon or stop his parents from visiting his home. Let me tell you a secret: even if a man HATES his family, he won't accept anyone instigating him against the same family he hates so much. He wants the hatred to come from him and him alone.

cococandy:
Op don’t you have your own family that can come and stay months too. Since he doesn’t want a nuclear family obviously, you can help him make it a more communal household by bringing your own family too. Let him know you also have a family that you miss and want to be around.

Doesn’t sound like the best option. But sometimes it takes people experiencing stuff to know how it makes others feel.

If he can’t cope with your siblings and parents coming to stay as much and as long as his are doing, then maybe he will adjust.

take this advise from this wannabe feminist and watch your marriage burn.A good woman should love wherever his man comes from,besides marriage is not an act of showing who's who.you gotta let some things go for peace sake,goodnight

Farmerforlife:
Madame, I will inform you of the stark reality of your situation...stop basing your values on hysterical telenovelas.

Where were you when they were spending sleepless nights taking care of your husband for the first 3 decades of his life, making him into what he is today? Now you want to come out of nowhere into the picture and take him away from doing his duty to them. If my wife made a similar statement, that would be the beginning of the end of our marriage. When you marry a man, you marry his family, it is not an either... or... deal. If you are so fragile that the presence of his family affects your health, go stay in a hotel. They want to exercise their right upon their child and grandchildren.

No offense intended.

So that is why they should come and stay for 6 whole months? 6 months!!! Even if they laboured for their son, he is a married man and their interference in his home is supposed to be limited.

Not even one person,...mother inlaw, father inlaw, brother inlaw with wife. He should just bring his whole village. And they will always find fault in what she does.

Op i understand you too well. Only 2 months and i was praying for God's intervention. 6 months is too long a time for inlaws to come and stay. The burden will be on you. Four of them for that matter.

If it were your family, it would have meant help for you but there is something about a husband's family feeling entitled to you serving them while they sit and cross their legs and even complain endlessly.

The best thing you can do now is to pray and pour out your heart to God stating your reasons. There is no point having quarrels over it with your husband. Let God do the work.

[quote author=Farmerforlife post=66083153]Madame, I will inform you of the stark reality of your situation...stop basing your values on hysterical telenovelas.

Where were you when they were spending sleepless nights taking care of your husband for the first 3 decades of his life, making him into what he is today? Now you want to come out of nowhere into the picture and take him away from doing his duty to them. If my wife made a similar statement, that would be the beginning of the end of our marriage. When you marry a man, you marry his family, it is not an either... or... deal. If you are so fragile that the presence of his family affects your health, go stay in a hotel. They want to exercise their right upon their child and grandchildren.

No offense


So because they took care of him means they should make life difficult for his wife even if they don't like her?? Didn't her own parents take care of her? Why are they not doing same?

She should stay in a hotel?? Does this make any sense to you?

nwanneni:
take this advise from this wannabe feminist and watch your marriage burn.A good woman should love wherever his man comes from,besides marriage is not an act of showing who's who.you gotta let some things go for peace sake,goodnight

..and good in-laws should love their son's wife and not treat her like a slave.

nwanneni:
take this advise from this wannabe feminist and watch your marriage burn.A good woman should love wherever his man comes from,besides marriage is not an act of showing who's who.you gotta let some things go for peace sake,goodnight

the marriage is ‘not burning’ when his family members are there causing problems but hers will cause it to burn?.

Clear evidence that most of you guys are two-faced hypocrites who can’t take what they give.

Kinggnicole:



..and good in-laws should love their son's wife and not treat her like a slave.

how was she maltreated by her in-laws? Why did she not tell us that part?I can just tell the op is being overly dramatic.it wreaks all over her write up

Noloss:
Hmmm, it is difficult to judge from your story only. Are u a full time house wife or working, are u supporting ur hubby in anyway or he is responsible for all the bills? How did u people got to the state u r staying presenlty I.e did he brought u or u did?

I have experienced what u are presently experiencing in the past but not as long as 6months (3people/ 2people for a month or 3wks every other month) It is not easy cos Africa in-laws take wife as slaves(no support in house chores). Even during pregnancy.
U need to endure and probably try ur best but not at the expense of ur family. U need to realise that even giving all ur earnings out so as to please them does not guarrantee that they will be satisfied.

Pray for wisdom to handle this situation cos it needs wisdom. Pray for strength as well to be able to endure and then since ur hubby did not see issues the way u see it(so was mine) u need to thread softly.

Two things restrained (they still come maybe once or twice a year for few days)them from our house.

1. During the pregnancy of our first child 2-3 people do come at a goal to stay for close to a month. I accomodated them, fed them single handedly did virtually all the house chores cos i was agile but our first child was born through CS.

There was enough food at home but[b] I don't even come out of my room until maybe 10am([/b]for a month). If u cannot cook, u will not eat ni ooo. When I was hungry and they don't cook I simply go out and get something for my self. I have beverages at my bedside with hot water. May be they felt slighted(they didn't say it cos we never fought) but when we had the second child they didnt come(who cares)

2. Hubby lost job(couldnt meet their demands anylonger).

May u receive wisdom from above to handle this situation.

In my case, when i come out of my room by 10am or 11,they would be waiting for me to come and make breakfast even with my stitch.

I wonder at such inlaws because when my sisters and I go to visit my brother and his wife, the wife would do anything to prolong our stay because we relieve her of many duties. She hardly cooks when we are there. It is not to go to someone's house and be a burden that makes us inlaws.

ImaIma1:


In my case, when i come out of my room by 10am or 11,they would be waiting for me to come and make breakfast even with my stitch.

I wonder at such inlaws because when my sisters and I go to visit my brother and his wife, the wife would do anything to prolong our stay because we relieve her of many duties. She hardly cooks when we are there. It is not to go to someone's house and be a burden that makes us inlaws.

Pure wickedness!!!

For those of you who have come here to judge me, for the records, I got married to my husband in Nigeria before we moved out of the country. It will disappoint you to know that I got pregnant after we got married, and suffered with him to achieve all we have today. I did not meet him already made, we started our hustling together.

Maybe you may might understand my situation if you had a sister who married a man, struggled with him from the beginning, worked and gave him all her income, and did all she could to make him and his family happy, only to be seen as a weak person who they can use like she fell from the sky. Maybe if she also tells you that her husband bought a property in Nigeria with their sweat, but she has never set her eyes on the documents, not even a picture of it.
Maybe if she also told you that their kids became scared of his mother because of the way she treated them you might understand.
I kept quiet for years because I wanted peace. I gathered everything inside of me. What happens to an elastic when it is stretched beyond its limits? IT WILL CUT!!! Do you know that our physical well-being is controlled by our inner peace? Maybe you go do some research.
People just come out without thinking, making senseless replies because they know how to conderm others. If you face a quarter of what I faced, you will not live to tell the stories.
When you have daughters, or if you have sisters, you can marry them out to a man and tell him and his family to treat her she fell from the sky.