Exactly 10 years ago I got married. So for our anniversary, I thought maybe I should write everything, I mean EVERYTHING (from A – Z), about marriage…

A is for Apples and Agbalumo: Women are complex multi-dimensional beings capable of transiting from being the apple of your eye to becoming the agbalumo in your eyes and back again, several times in one day. If you can’t handle that, then stop reading this and go get yourself a puppy. You are not ready for marriage.

B is for Bullion van: You know those vans that drive at very high speeds to move cash to and from banks? Well when you sign up for marriage, that’s exactly what you become. You will be moving your hard earned cash at very high speeds to schools, hospitals, markets, airlines, several tailors scattered all over the city, hairdressing salons, and so many other places that you won’t even be able to keep track of. The only difference between you and a bullion van is that you don’t have a siren.

C is for Competition: Whatever you do as a father, do not compete with your wife for the love of the children. Bribery has its limits. You can buy all the bicycles you want, and the ipads, and the toy cars, and the dolls…when the chips are down, they will always choose her over you. Studying reindeer hunting would be a much more productive use of your time, if you ask me.

D is for Drama: A marriage without drama would be so suffocatingly boring it could lead to actual death – death of the marriage. Every marriage should have a fair dose of drama. Just make sure it’s the fun type you’re having.

E is for Extra View: Nothing creates strain in a marriage as frequently as Telemundo does. You come home ready to enjoy that El Classico that you have thought about all day or that Novak vs Nadal match that you just can’t miss or that World Cup semi-final that you’re sure would be better than the final, and there she is remote control firmly in hand, watching some 3rd grade Mexican actors acting some pretty lame shit. Extra view is that thing that saves you from such a scenario and saves your marriage from avoidable strain.

F is for Facebook: Why Facebook? Well for some out-worldly mysterious reason that men would never understand, dates are very important to women. And Facebook does a fantastic job of keeping you out of trouble as far as dates are concerned.

G is for Gravity: Gravity is that force of nature that helps keep your feet firmly on the ground and your head out of the clouds. Both are important in a marriage.

H is for Habits: Those habits you need to drop. Like that patronizing male penchant for throwing up solutions whenever someone so much as mouths a problem. Seriously you need to unlearn that. When your wife pours out her frustrations, 90% of the time she’s not looking for a solution. All she wants from you is to listen and make the right sympathetic noises at the right moments. You know the occasional eyyaah accompanied by a slow shake of the head. Dishing out quick solutions means you are not listening…not listening means you don’t really care…not caring means you don’t love her anymore…not loving her anymore means you’re going to take another wife or you have a girlfriend or some random slay queen has conquered you. And trust me, you don’t want your wife thinking this.

I is for Indigo: Indigo is a color somewhere between blue and purple. Colors have meanings attributed to them. Indigo means wisdom, devotion and justice. As a husband, this is the color that should adorn your mindset.

J is for the Joneses: Don’t keep up with them. Nobody send you.

K is for Knight: Be her knight in shining armor. Somebody send you.

L is for Love: Love is the main selling point of marriage. Love is fueled by passion. The day your passion gets extinguished, that day your love dies and your marriage loses its essence.

M is for Man of the House: This is the lie women tell men so that the arduous task of being a husband and a father seem bearable.

N is for Nightingale: Male nightingales are known for serenading female nightingales all through the night. Be like the male nightingale. I know you’re an African man and all, but just try. It won’t kill you.

O is for Ownership: Most people have no difficulty in claiming ownership of the good stuff in their marriages. It is the bad that they always want to outsource to village people, mother-in-law, wifey’s tribe, and what not. By taking ownership of the bad, you are putting the solutions to the problems within your sphere of action.

P is for Prestidigitation: It’s the longest non-compound word that I know and I’ve never used it before. It has got absolutely nothing to do with marriage but this may be the only chance I have to use it before I die. So just quickly move on to Q, please. Thank you.

Q is for Quality of Life: If after getting married, your overall quality of life takes a nosedive, then you’re either doing it wrong, or you’re in the wrong one. Either way, something would have to give.

R is for Reality: Marriage is the ultimate reality intensifier. When you get married a new dimension of reality unfolds right before your eyes. You start to see things that you never noticed before. It was only after I got married that I started to notice tomato sellers at the side of the road. I never used to see those guys (seriously).

S is for Side-chicks and Slay Queens: Lol, you thought it was for sex abi? Pervert! Anyway sha, if you are serious about ‘Happy Ever After’, then Side-chicks and Slay Queens should be way off your radar.

T is for Takeout: Once in a while, take the family out. Even if it’s just for ice cream. This too will not kill you.

U is for U: Take care of U. It is easy to forget yourself while striving to provide the best life for your family. Take care of yourself because your family needs you healthy and alive. Don’t coman go and kii yasef.

V is for Venus: That’s the name of the planet where your wife is really from. It’s a very strange planet. So don’t get yourself worked up if you don’t understand half the things she does.

W is for warts: Marriage comes with some warts. When you sign up for it, you sign up for the warts too.

X is the unknown: There are many unknowns in a marriage chief of which is your wife’s mood. Your success or failure as a husband depends on how well you can navigate these unknowns.

Y is for the other unknown: In mathematics when you’re not trying to find X you’re trying to find Y. So if X is your wife’s mood swings, Y is the root cause of the swings. Both are unknown. Marriage is an exercise in finding X and Y. So now you know why your math teacher was disturbing you so much about X and Y – she was preparing you for marriage.

Z is for Zebra: Marriage, like life itself, is a series of light moments followed by some not so light ones. But when you stitch it all together, like Dolly Parton’s coat of many colors, it turns out beautiful. Like the skin of the Zebra.

Must one get married

Joromi12:
Must one get married

not 'must', 'should', and to the right person if you want a REAL relationship.

Joromi12:
Must one get married

Well, its NOT necessary but society makes it look like a do or die affair

Budex40:

Well, its NOT necessary but society makes it look like a do or die affair

don't encourage him/her

hahahahahaha. Chai. Letter P gave me cough. OP you re not well at all.