baby_mama: @ the poster,

do you have a job?
Does he have a job?
Who earns more?
Can you sustain yourself financially
Do you have children?
Did you have an abusive father growing up?
Do you have a trusted friend or relative who can be a confidant?

I await your answers so I can advise you better





You teach people how to treat you,while his behavior is inexcusable,I want to also know what about you makes this abuse tolerable for 5 long years and counting
You need to do something differently,that is the only way this will stop.

tarababy:

I have a job,so I can sustain myself and my two children financially.I have always been an independent women and so don't reliable on him for anything.

He spat on me again yesterday and i did mine back this time around.I have decided to move on in the new year,the environment is definately not good for my boy and girl.

greatgod2012:

good for you and what was his reaction when you spat on him back?
Expecting your response.

tarababy:

He was not shocked or surprised.He said spitting is no big deal,afterall he uses the same mouth to give me mouthaction.
can u imagine him comparing spits to mouthaction?

tarababy:

I have a job,so I can sustain myself and my two children financially.I have always been an independent women and so don't reliable on him for anything.

He spat on me again yesterday and i did mine back this time around.I have decided to move on in the new year,the environment is definately not good for my boy and girl.

baby_mama:

I am glad you have a job and can sustain yourself,[size=18pt]this is the reason I never advise anyone to be a housewife.[/size]

baby_mama:


Thanks for responding.
First of all let me start by letting you know that your posts here portray you as a woman with a good heart who has been taken advantage of
You have also done the right thing by deciding that this nonsense has to end.

I had long talks into the midnight with my mom weeks to my wedding.Many of what she said I took as gospel
She had Been married to my father for 25 years so I figured she knew a thing or two about marriage
She looked me in the eyes and told me to love my husband and she added that once I start that journey of marriage I should from day one decide what I can and cannot condone and that whatever things I know will be difficult to sustain,I shouldn't even start.
Of all the hours of talks,those two sentences have stuck with me for years.
She gave me an example how she always washed my daddy's clothes in the earlier years of marriage And when the kids came,she was now washing hers,ours and his plus all the housework and it was draining her.The day he complained a shirt was not washed properly,she decided he should wash his clothes from then on andthat was the biggest fight they had but from then on,he started washing his clothes.
I soaked everything in,because that was wisdom talking.

Nobody has any right to torture you emotionally like this husband of yours has done
He obviously has a poor upbringing and maybe saw his father treat his mother with disdain and she sat like a docile mat or maybe you saw your father abuse your mother,I don't know.
You have made your mistakes,now is the time to correct the wrongs
I am a marriage advocate and I think divorce should be the last resort after all avenues have been explored especially where kids are involved.
He needs to submit himself to marriage counseling.If I were you that is the condition I would give .A series of sessions to get to the root of his ugly behavior
His refusal is a sign that he doesn't value you and is not ready for change,The marriage is as good as dead,you don't need to be there a minute longer.

I am glad you have a job and can sustain yourself,this is the reason I never advise anyone to be a housewife.
Besides the spitting and breaking Things ,does he beat you up too?
Has he ever slapped,hit,kicked or thrown an object at you?
If the answer to any of the above is yes,forget about the counseling and everything I said,pack your things and get out.That will be my advise if you were my younger sister.it only gets worse from there.
Cemeteries are full of women who stayed and were beaten or stabbed to death

Please don't let him know when you are about to leave if you do decide to leave. Many of these violent men turn into worse monsters when they perceive that..if he gets that angry,he is capable of anything.Be wise,get a restraining order if need be.

I would like to thank you and everyone for their advice.It shows that there are still real people on nairaland.

baby_mama:



I had long talks into the midnight with my mom weeks to my wedding. Many of what she said I took as gospel
.

She had Been married to my father for 25 years so I figured she knew a thing or two about marriage.

She looked me in the eyes and told me to love my husband and she added that once I start that journey of marriage I should from day one decide what I can and cannot condone and that whatever things I know will be difficult to sustain,I shouldn't even start.

Nobody has any right to torture you emotionally like this husband of yours has done

tarababy:

He was not shocked or surprised.He said spitting is no big deal,afterall he uses the same mouth to give me mouthaction.
can u imagine him comparing spits to mouthaction?

ferhyntorlah:

Baby_mama,

God bless your mom for this piece of advice. I think every intending bride should have this discussion with her mother. So many ladies go into this union without the slightest idea of what to do when faced with marital challenges.

I've learnt so many things from my mom, my parent marriages, my Uncles and Aunts marriages, from those here and so on. So when I get there, I know how and what to do.

Nobody should be a doormat to anyone whether male/female. Everyone deserves respect no what their level/rank, age, circumstances of their birth, their origin etc.

My dear,I often tell my younger friends that I need to write a book on marriage
Sometimes my words are misconstrued as man bashing but it is not,I just don't know how to be politically correct,I say it like it is
I am a full blooded heterosexual and married and raising children with the same man for over a decade now ,I love men
My marriage is not perfect ,none is but I am happy and contented and I learn from the mistakes of others as well as mine

Men are like babies
They want to know how much they can get away with but the woman has to teach him what the boundaries are
[size=18pt]Our men are tough,look at Coogar,does he look like an easy nut to crack?[/size]
If given the chance,Everyman can be controlling to the tune of abuse,every single one of them
It is in their nature to control ,but a woman can direct where that control should end
If this woman read him the riot act the first time he allowed his saliva flow in her direction,he would have understood it and shaped up
She allowed it and other destructive behavior continue for 5 years to the extent that he sees it as nothing and goes on throwing tantrums like a spoiled brat


I have a friend that worked her fingers to the bone and deposited her money into a joint account that her husband controlled
And he gave her pocket money out of the account
In this America o
All in the name of joined together at the altar,one Nigeria
Tufiakwa
The day he ended the marriage she was left empty handed and came crying to my house
People are shocked when I tell them I don't do joint accounts of my earnings,never did
My mother didn't either and they are married for decades.

I am glad this poster has an earning capacity,I hope she has equal access to the earnings if they are doing joint
Many women stay in dead end marriages because they are financially dependent on the man
No woman should ever be in that position IMHO

ferhyntorlah: Baby_Mama,

I agree with you on the joint account thing. I personally don't like/share in the idea. I also have a right to my privacy and things, so does he too. For me, married couple have a right to their privacy.

If we need to do things together, we will gather our resources together for that but to operate a joint account? Mbanu! Never like it and no amount of convincing will make me do it.

I just asked my momsy if she liked the idea and she said NO!

davidylan:

nothing wrong with joint accounts if you are married to the right spouse.

baby_mama:


Men are like babies
They want to know how much they can get away with but the woman has to teach him what the boundaries are
[size=18pt]Our men are tough,look at Coogar,does he look like an easy nut to crack?[/size]
If given the chance,Everyman can be controlling to the tune of abuse,every single one of them
It is in their nature to control ,but a woman can direct where that control should end

coogar:

baby_mama:
Did I lie?
You need a woman that can handle you well well

baby_mama:

That is the key word
[color=#990000]Right person
Define that?
Most people are sumtin else when it comes to money,go and speak with any divorced couple,90 % of time money is the underlying issue
Brothers kill each other over money sef talk less of husband and wife
Anyway just my own take
And it works for me [/color]

Winneygirl: @OP, pls go back and read my earlier post. U're doing thngs wrong. 4him 2spit on U,it means U engaged in an arguement wt him.
Pls dnt!!
If U leave now,it makes no differenc 2him.
Spitting on him in return did nt help U lik U noticed.
U ar d change He needs.
He didnt wake up and start throwing a tantrum. Somethn prompted him, and U let it blow up by trying 2have Ur way wt words....
U want respect? U will have 2 earn it d right way. Arguing wt him, spitting on him, only shows dats U have truly reduced Urself 2 d doormat dat He has been trying 2 reduce U to.

I wish U'd respond 2 me so I knw dat U read my posts.

tarababy:

I have a job,so I can sustain myself and my two children financially.I have always been an independent women and so don't reliable on him for anything.

He spat on me again yesterday and i did mine back this time around.I have decided to move on in the new year,the environment is definately not good for my boy and girl.

Guitarlife: To all of you that contributded to the demise of op"s home una welldone. some of you are enduring worse tinz in your marriages 5 pages and just one objective post.
@op being spit on is quite disgusting i agree but its not worth loosing your home over. am surprised he even finds you appealling enough to put his mouth in your kitty which I personally consider a far more disgusting behaviour.
half the ladies here dont enjoy that "priviledge" and a quarter of them would kill for it.
its obvious he doesnt physically abuse you so the only danger you are up against is emotional. since your life is not at risk why dont you work harder at helping him overcome his weakness?
You are his wife and that is your job. you are quitting this marriage prematurely trust me married peeps on here are putting up with worse.

Winneygirl: @Op, wat Ur husband needs is a woman who can hold her ground!!Submissiveness and indecision ar boring somtyms.
Frm 2day, hold Ur head up high!!Set Ur own rules! Do all chores,serve his meals & maintain a clean, spacious, welcoming house.

If there's somthn he does which U dnt lik, just tel him once, in one sentence and close d chapter. Do not attempt 2make him undrstand.
E.g. "I noticed dat U leave d door open anytime U walk thru. I think its best if WE always close d door behind us everytime so we can be conscious of who walks into d house"
it starts wt littl thngs like dat.

Whn U disagree, no need 2 argue.
Just tell him in a cool calm voice, "I undrstand wat U ar talking abt. I will put it into consideration".
Whether U act on it now is up 2 U.
If he throws a tantrum, say nothing. Do nothing. Whn U can chip in a word, say "I hav heard U and will try 2work on it".
Remember, d magic that 1 sentence wud do, a thousand sentences wud neva achieve.
U dnt hav 2 do all he says, but U cn avoid d arguements and still have Ur way.

2defeat d strong-hearted,U need a diff. kind of strong-heartedness.

Winneygirl: @Op, wat Ur husband needs is a woman who can hold her ground!!Submissiveness and indecision ar boring somtyms.
Frm 2day, hold Ur head up high!!Set Ur own rules! Do all chores,serve his meals & maintain a clean, spacious, welcoming house.

If there's somthn he does which U dnt lik, just tel him once, in one sentence and close d chapter. Do not attempt 2make him undrstand.
E.g. "I noticed dat U leave d door open anytime U walk thru. I think its best if WE always close d door behind us everytime so we can be conscious of who walks into d house"
it starts wt littl thngs like dat.

Whn U disagree, no need 2 argue.
Just tell him in a cool calm voice, "I undrstand wat U ar talking abt. I will put it into consideration".
Whether U act on it now is up 2 U.
If he throws a tantrum, say nothing. Do nothing. Whn U can chip in a word, say "I hav heard U and will try 2work on it".
Remember, d magic that 1 sentence wud do, a thousand sentences wud neva achieve.
U dnt hav 2 do all he says, but U cn avoid d arguements and still have Ur way.

2defeat d strong-hearted,U need a diff. kind of strong-heartedness.

davidylan:

nothing wrong with joint accounts if you are married to the right spouse.

Winneygirl: @OP, pls go back and read my earlier post. U're doing thngs wrong. 4him 2spit on U,it means U engaged in an arguement wt him.
Pls dnt!!
If U leave now,it makes no differenc 2him.
Spitting on him in return did nt help U lik U noticed.
U ar d change He needs.
He didnt wake up and start throwing a tantrum. Somethn prompted him, and U let it blow up by trying 2have Ur way wt words....
U want respect? U will have 2 earn it d right way. Arguing wt him, spitting on him, only shows dats U have truly reduced Urself 2 d doormat dat He has been trying 2 reduce U to.

I wish U'd respond 2 me so I knw dat U read my posts.

Winneygirl: @OP, pls go back and read my earlier post. U're doing thngs wrong. 4him 2spit on U,it means U engaged in an arguement wt him.
Pls dnt!!
If U leave now,it makes no differenc 2him.
Spitting on him in return did nt help U lik U noticed.
U ar d change He needs.
He didnt wake up and start throwing a tantrum. Somethn prompted him, and U let it blow up by trying 2have Ur way wt words....
U want respect? U will have 2 earn it d right way. Arguing wt him, spitting on him, only shows dats U have truly reduced Urself 2 d doormat dat He has been trying 2 reduce U to.

I wish U'd respond 2 me so I knw dat U read my posts.

[size=18pt]Excuse you!!!![/size]


OP please totally ignore this post above
There is nothing in here of benefit to you,your present predicament or any abused woman
This is a post that will gladden no other hearts but the likes of your abuser who sees you as the cause of his shortcomings
The mentality of you needing fixing
You were not created to change anyone especially one that does not care about change
If you have friends telling you things like this in real life,dump them
You are the victim and not the reason for his uncultured ways
He needs the help not you
The only help you need is a reassurance that seeking a means to start 2013 free from abuse is right
You deserve to be treated with dignity
You deserve to raise your children in a healthy environment
You deserve not to be spat on and emotionally tortured
If he is willing to seek counsel to help his demons,work with him but if he is not,you walk while you are still alive.his next act of violence could spell death
The burden to change is on him not you
Don't let anyone guilt you into anything like the post above attempts.
Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you deserve and demand to be treated right and a deranged,violent, property damaging ,terrorizing,spitting cobra with killer instincts is not the will of God for your life