Am I Over Reacting? - Romance - Nairaland
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| Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 7:46am On Jan 28, 2013 |
So I'm planning my second trip to Nigeria May 9th we will be saying in my boyfriends home state now I have already met his mother and she seems to be ok with me however on this trip I am suppose to meet his extended family being he is the oldest boy and his father is now deceased he took on the role as somewhat the provider of his family. So for some reason I am being told that everybody is going to be looking to point out every flaw in me and compare me to his first wife who everybody loved so much who is now deceased. Now I have delt with in laws before and always made a good impression but this is different he told me last night that him and his mother is going to put a list of do's and don'ts together for me to (FOLLOW) I am not a child. Teach me culture teach me customs and tradition but I am not a actress and I will not pretend I am something I am not. So I hung up haven't accepted or returned any of his calls am I wrong? |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Nobody: 7:53am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Yes you are over reacting. And you are proud. It's not as if you didn't know his background and the issues surrounding him. You accepted him non the less. This is when he needs you the most and he has given you an expo on what to expect. You should have just swallowed that pride for the few days or week you'll be there, but NO. You just had to show how educated and westernized you are. No one is asking you to act. He is asking that you be yourself bearing those "mother rules" in mind. Na real wa for you. 5 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Nobody: 7:56am On Jan 28, 2013 |
For not accepting and returning any of his calls because of that singular reason, add childish to what I said up there!  2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 7:59am On Jan 28, 2013 |
I will be there 2 weeks thats a long time to act like he haven't even exposed the whole list but when I asked him what kind of things he was talking about he says well me and my mother both know how you like to speak your mind well whenever there is a discussion about cultural difference look to me to nod and I will let you know who its ok to speak your mind with. WTF! Now I have to be told when to speak? |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 8:06am On Jan 28, 2013 |
If he likes me the way I am then why wouldn't his family and I won't talk to him because, I always speak whats on my mind and that might not be good right now. As a matter of fact my last husband said the only mistake God made with me was giving me vocal cords to speak but since then I been working on it. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Mr1234(m): 8:10am On Jan 28, 2013 |
You totally overreacted I'm gonna be guessing this is a fault from the beginning of your relationship. They're going to sit you down and list for you a couple of laws? Wtf! You know whatever a guy throws at you will be determined by how he sees you. Maybe you don't appear strong-willed enough. He's supposed to be able to tell his mum to let you be and act naturally. Some girls don't take shiiit and their bfs/fiance would never throw such at them. Sit him down and tell him it doesn't go down well with you. If you're gon have a happy home, he should be able to talk to his mum about the laws. You don't need them. I repeat you don't need them!! 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by obicentlis: 8:14am On Jan 28, 2013 |
As a new coming wife, you have to be humble and obedient to know the family u are entering. This guy mean a lot of good for you and he wants things to work out fine ,that's the reason he is telling you on time abt his people. If you are peace loving, you have to appreciate him for that. Don't overreact cos this is one aspect of a man's life that his family should be interested in, to make sure he doesn't make mistake as the 1st son, cos his wife will play a big role in unifying the the extended family. 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by digitalgeorgy(m): 8:14am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Do you think he will mislead you?? Women be sumissive to your man!! You dnt knw des family members as much as he does, why dont you humble yourself so you dont ruin your chances of been accepted by the family members.. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 8:17am On Jan 28, 2013 |
^^^I agree! then there is something about he think he may be throwing in a bid for politics and the same rules apply around anybody we encounter not just his family WTF. No thanks! He has to much on his plate. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Nobody: 8:20am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Princess1982: If he likes me the way I am then why wouldn't his family and I won't talk to him because, I always speak whats on my mind and that might not be good right now. As a matter of fact my last husband said the only mistake God made with me was giving me vocal cords to speak but since then I been working on it.Things shouldn't always go your own way all the time. That you are vocal doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful simultaneously. You can always reach a compromise with any issue involving him. That is what love is. God gave you vocal cords, so you should use it any how? You think you are the only vocal one? What do you think will happen when everyone decides to be vocal? You believe your vocal cord is champion until you'll meet someone whose vocal chords will make yours look for a hiding place! He likes you the way you are quite alright, why are you expecting his family to love you the same? He's had a first wife already and his family was used to her and her mannerisms. Expect a form of scrutiny from them, which is normal. Don't talk because you feel like talking. Your words should soothe and heal and comfort, not hurt. You know you hurt with your words and you are proud of it. Smh Anyway, where I am right now, I am enjoying myself without any form of pressure. Na you get the problem. All I can do is advise you from the little I know. If you like, use your vocal chords to give them a tongue lashing, na your own concernment be that. My people say "if you bend down, you see Aba." People are not the same. You shouldn't expect them to be the same with him either. He has shown you that he is the kind of person that allows his family influence his decisions. People like this your guy allow their mom choose their wife. So princess, if you like, spoil your show by yasef. It's your cup of bournvita. 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by thorpido(m): 8:22am On Jan 28, 2013 |
I guess u're not Nigerian.If u accepted him knowing the circumstances surrounding him,would it be too much to bend just a little?I'm sure u will be familiar with some African customs and how the extended family plays such a big role.It seems the biggest issue with u is that u want to express urself anytime and say whatever is on your mind.In life we should be able to adapt to changes especially when it's a new environment.I dnt think your guy and his mother are asking too much of u. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 8:29am On Jan 28, 2013 |
The mom could careless who he marry she just wants him to be happy. However I think his mom is worried about how her mother his Grandmother,aunts, ect. Will accept me and Im not proud that my words hurt I just always speak my mind and sometimes the truth hurts. I want his family to accept me but then again I don't really care if they don't. The man put a 17000 dollar trillion cut engagement ring on my finger and thats U.S. dollars so you would think he would let me be myself. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 8:35am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Its not just my mouth apparently there is a list of things and if its that serious he should go find a more appropriate girlfriend who fits in that box. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Nobody: 8:42am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Princess1982: Its not just my mouth apparently there is a list of things and if its that serious he should go find a more appropriate girlfriend who fits in that box.Na you sabi.  |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by obicentlis: 8:50am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Princess1982: The mom could careless who he marry she just wants him to be happy. However I think his mom is worried about how her mother his Grandmother,aunts, ect. Will accept me and Im not proud that my words hurt I just always speak my mind and sometimes the truth hurts. I want his family to accept me but then again I don't really care if they don't. The man put a 17000 dollar trillion cut engagement ring on my finger and thats U.S. dollars so you would think he would let me be myself.I pray you don't end up with a divorce again. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Mercyu1(f): 8:50am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Wait ooo...I want 2 get something straight,@OP,did ur fiance tell u him and his mother are going 2 list for u their cultural/societal 'dos' and 'donts'or their own personal dos and donts. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 8:53am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Mercy-u:Both! |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 8:54am On Jan 28, 2013 |
obicentlis:Me either! |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by UjSizzle(f): 9:00am On Jan 28, 2013 |
I don't buy the idea of his family members spelling out your letters for you considering every wife or potential wife should know her duties, neither is it a matured act for you to ignore his calls because he's told you what to expect of his family. All i'll say is you need to keep an open mind. If you love this guy like you say, then be willing to go to his people and hear the so called rules; you might be surprised at what bthey are. They could turn out to be actually what you'd naturally do as a wife of an in-law. If otherwise,m then feel free to talk out the issue with your man. Now you know what kind of person he is; if he constantly allows his mother meddle in his family affairs and you don't like n can't handle it, feel free to walk out on this relationship now. But don't be too hasty to pass out judgement on him without first scrutinizing his family. Next important thing will be to keep a leash on your tongue. Learn when to speak, how to speak, and when to keep your mouth shut. Best of luck. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 9:04am On Jan 28, 2013 |
I know how to behave its not like Im just going to start insulting people I been a wife 2 times already like I told him but he insists that Nigerian inlaws are a little different from American in laws. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 9:07am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Like the me being married twice to him thats something that should be never mentioned. Its not like I'm going to be proud or open a conversation with it or even bring it up, but if somebody ask me Im not going to lie about it because, I am not ashamed about it. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by UjSizzle(f): 9:09am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Princess1982: I know how to behave its not like Im just going to start insulting people I been a wife 2 times already like I told him but he insists that Nigerian inlaws are a little different from American in laws. Our way of life differs. He just wants you to be prepared or you can go marry an American guy and stop whinning. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Nobody: 9:09am On Jan 28, 2013 |
uj_sizzle: I don't buy the idea of his family members spelling out your letters for you considering every wife or potential wife should know her duties, neither is it a matured act for you to ignore his calls because he's told you what to expect of his family. well said...EOD |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Princess1982(f): 9:21am On Jan 28, 2013 |
My parents don't like that he is Nigerian or that he is 12 years older then me or the fact that he wants us to live in Nigeria but they know they have to accept it or lose me and thats how he should feel when it comes to me. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by Nobody: 9:58am On Jan 28, 2013 |
you are over reacting, tell him how u feel about the do's and dont's...you are a grown woman and im sure u know how to behave in front of ur future husband's family |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by freecocoa(f): 11:36am On Jan 28, 2013 |
I'm kinda confused o sexkillz and the other lots. How did she overreact? You mean an adult who will soon be a wife should accept a list of DOs and DONTs from her in-laws? I seriously don't quite follow. I can understand him on the culture difference aspect a bit but I think no one should have to pretend to be what they are not just to please others, for how long will she keep pretending please? Be humble, respectful and obedient to your elders but hey, respect is reciprocal and you don't treat an adult the way you would a kid, like seriously this is someone about to be married for feck's sakes, how can she be given a list on how to behave? Its outrageous imo. 2 Likes |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by lumideezle(m): 11:38am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Nne continue to dey run your mouth like tap you hear ?? Infact when you reach the house b4 d family members talk 1 make you talk 10 o,, slap anybody wey misyarn. When you are 50 and not married come 2 NL and cry "All men are the same" 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by freecocoa(f): 11:48am On Jan 28, 2013 |
Err OP reading through your posts, I think you need to take a chill pill and calm down for a bit. You are not a child and shouldn't be told how to behave, that I agree with but you also need to realize that there's something called compromise. Its not everything that you see that you should say, you may be a very vocal person but it pays to be quiet sometimes, its said that when in Rome, behave like the Romans, you don't necessarily have to pretend rather you adjust to whatever situation you find yourself in. Seriously when in a new place, you stand with one feet and observe your surroundings so as to be able to fit it, its being able to adapt without losing yourself, don't blow the issue out of proportion like you are about doing, just handle it with wisdom and maturity and you need to loosen up on the ego darling. Best of luck. 1 Like |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by 190: 11:52am On Jan 28, 2013 |
huh  |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by SAFO(m): 12:18pm On Jan 28, 2013 |
Princess I fully understand what you're dealing with. On this occasion though it might be in your best interest to at least come to some sort of middle ground with your fiancé. When you marry a Nigerian man you're also marrying his extended family as well. I'm not saying you should front the whole 2 weeks but at least make a candid effort to ease yourself into his family/culture. If it's any motivation, do it for the ring. $17 thousand trillion cut does not come along that often.  1 Like |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by raqueal(f): 12:22pm On Jan 28, 2013 |
Princess1982: Like the me being married twice to him thats something that should be never mentioned. Its not like I'm going to be proud or open a conversation with it or even bring it up, but if somebody ask me Im not going to lie about it because, I am not ashamed about it. Op,no nigerian family would accept with open hands a divorcee without a fight not to talk of being divorced twice. We think differently in this part of the world. Listen to your man. Yes you are not a child so act like one and clamp down on that mouth occassionally. From your posts,I guess your tongue is your greatest enemy. Listen to your man.He sounds like a wise man that knows what he is saying. |
| Re: Am I Over Reacting? by kambo(m): 12:33pm On Jan 28, 2013 |
i read your post and sense discomfort from the artificiality expected of you. The insinuation you arent smart/sensitive enuff to adapt wtout rules. Its insulting. If he's giving you rules now, u bet more rules will follow and since you will hate being reigned in , friction will b inevitable in the long run. Think divorce no. 3!. Tell him to instead make his relations adjust to you. Your not marrying his mum or grand mum but him. You're not startg a family wt his relations. The bible says man and woman will leave parents (father n mother) to cleave together to become 1 (pardon this if u aint christian). I dont even know any verse that talks abt parental seal of approval 4 marraige. Compatibility shd b btween you and him,cuz that affects the survivability of your marraige. Every other party should conform to ur union not dictate it! Many wives are continually in a triad try to b all things to all groups of people apart from hussy:: mother-in-law, relations etc. If u have a loud mouth let him tell his relations this and let them prepare for this not the othrway round. 1 Like |
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