Foxy_Ultimate:

You better be impressed else

after the update nau *still eyeing firewood kitchen*

MY OWN STORIES, READ, ENJOY AND ADVICE www.nairaland.com/1207026/love-favour www.nairaland.com/1183464/standing-up-community www.nairaland.com/1138378/different-style-work

Rap maestro: MY OWN STORIES, READ, ENJOY AND ADVICE www.nairaland.com/1207026/love-favour www.nairaland.com/1183464/standing-up-community www.nairaland.com/1138378/different-style-work

My humble thread has just been made an avenue for adverts. Thanks Rap.

I may just visit each of the links you posted and advertise my threads therein too...t*t for b**b, you dig?

Larry-Sun:

My humble thread has just been made an avenue for adverts. Thanks Rap.

I may just visit each of the links you posted and advertise my threads therein too...t*t for b**b, you dig?

u are vewi free bro, atleast peepz will opt 4 anoda tin while u guys are still thinkin of wat next

Rap maestro: u are vewi free bro, atleast peepz will opt 4 anoda tin while u guys are still thinkin of wat next

We aren't thinking of what to do, buddy, the next chapter'll be posted tomorrow, I assume.

Larry-Sun:

We aren't thinking of what to do, buddy, the next chapter'll be posted tomorrow, I assume.

it will sir

Larry-Sun:

We aren't thinking of what to do, buddy, the next chapter'll be posted tomorrow, I assume.

Why are you overly serious all the time? Don't you like the traffic this thread attract?

If person talk one. You go counter am. I know say if na to make me drop the links for my signature, you for don do am since. Try to be playful one bit abeg. Overseriousness no too good.

Uniquexty: it will sir

Exti... Guess what?

I dreamt of you, even though we never meet for flesh and blood. Maybe na this malarial sha...

Foxy_Ultimate:

Exti... Guess what?

I dreamt of you, even though we never meet for flesh and blood. Maybe na this malarial sha...

*rolls eyes*

Ishilove:
*rolls eyes to Wasimi and back*

hmmm...

Shey Pyquru na real user or bot ni? Abeqi help me tell Mynd 2 free me jawe 4 Rap Battle thread... I've been banned by one Antisp.erm bot

Foxy_Ultimate:

Why are you overly serious all the time? Don't you like the traffic this thread attract?

If person talk one. You go counter am. I know say if na to make me drop the links for my signature, you for don do am since. Try to be playful one bit abeg. Overseriousness no too good.

Forgive me, I'm sorry. I'll change

Stupid Me #HITS PALM ON FOREHEAD#... Gud morninq peepz

Rap maestro: I've been banned by one Antisp.erm bot

Maybe you've been donating too much of the white flakes.

Larry-Sun:

Maybe you've been donating too much of the white flakes.

hei hei.. Just do it 4 me boss

Uniquexty: it will sir

Thanks a lot, Ms.

Rap maestro: hei hei.. Just do it 4 me boss

Do what? Neuter you?

Larry-Sun:

Do what? Neuter you?

tell Mynd to release me nah.. ... Pls, Ok, i'll clean ur shoe and wash ur dishes,...

Oh! 9ce one from unique... She included some new character, almost revealed the identity of HIM, u try babe, but someplace i didn't undastand sha *SHOWS BROKEN TEETH*

Rap maestro: Oh! 9ce one from unique... She included some new character, almost revealed the identity of HIM, u try babe, but someplace i didn't undastand sha *SHOWS BROKEN TEETH*

She did reveal his Identity

Good work girl

Uniquexty! You raised expectations when you volunteered to take it up impromptu and you didn't disapoint I'm very much impressed.

But I do not like how you made JayB 'HIM' o Please edit that part if you can. JayB is definitely not 'HIM' material, no vex. You could make JayB the person at the other end of the call, that way it's still intriguing and a nice twist. So much hype has been built around 'HIM' and it's a lil bit em... somehow to discover he's a mere police officer.

I also think Ishilove mentioned that police officers were already at the scene where Lucan was shot and even helped put Lucan in the ambulance, seeming more interested in the victim (Lucan) than the 'robbers' (Kabon thought it was a robbery attack), so it's kinda out of place that he called them (so he doesn't habour a fugitive) in your submission.

Now lemme settle down and read it slowly. Good work ma'am.

thanks. Corrections effected.

I've been following both d collaboration
And detection club silently for a while,
Uniquexty! U try due 2 d short notice and
How u flow 2gather with d storyline as if
U have been planning it b4, ah i doff ma hat
For u weldon dearie

Thanks dearie. The thought of watching foxy do what he intented made me fly. Drawing a map of the story, helped me.

Uniquexty: thanks. Corrections effected.

just read the remaining part. Impressive I must say

Are you in the medical field?

Ehen take this kiss for killing Ayodele for us You are a durrrrrrling!


more critique coming...

Uniquexty: Thanks dearie. The thought of watching foxy do what he intented made me fly. Drawing a map of the story, helped me.

Pleae don't draw me into this stuff... Abeg...


Ehen, I don come back but I'm kinda down with malarial...

Foxy no vex o.

She has changed the identity of 'HIM'? Cos i can't seem 2 find him, and unique u re truely unique thanks 4 helping us 2 show d fox that we will still continue reading. Oya, who s next? No take time o.

Read the upload.

Nice work, owing to the fact that you had less time.

However, you introduced a lot of new characters. Merging this new characters with the numerous ones already created made your work a little bit complex.

There are few scenes that needs more explanations: you introduced a Mrs Ajoke, and then made her almost omni-science.
Sharon was supposed to be a barrister, the 'rib' explanations was a little bit out of place.
You made our 'almighty' HIM look just like any other common character.

There are typos and some grammatical errors; I was equally guilty of this, so I will let Larry and Ishi have a field day in that section.

Once again, good work.

#...you killed Ayodele, in a bizarre way! What's with you guys and murder? Y'all need Jesus!..#

jeezaws!!!

Mazi_Omenuko: Read the upload.

Nice work, owing to the fact that you had less time.

However, you introduced a lot of new characters. Merging this new characters with the numerous ones already created made your work a little bit complex.

There are few scenes that needs more explanations: you introduced a Mrs Ajoke, and then made her almost omni-science.
Sharon was supposed to be a barrister, the 'rib' explanations was a little bit out of place.
You made our 'almighty' HIM look just like any other common character.

There are typos and some grammatical errors; I was equally guilty of this, so I will let Larry and Ishi have a field day in that section.

Once again, good work.

#...you killed Ayodele, in a bizarre way! What's with you guys and murder? Y'all need Jesus!..#

thanks. But the only character i introduced was mrs Ajoke.

Nice work Unix,considering you had a very short time to work. Thumbs up.

My observations:
Some typos. The one I can remember is- 'staring', not starring.

Wrong usage of verbs. E.g- "Jack 'jammed' his hands on his thighs.' You stick your appendages into places. E.g Jack's foot was jammed between the door and the wall.

'Jack slapped his thighs in excitement' will be better. Consider revising.

'David bombed into something'- the right verb is 'bumped'. A bomb is a noun, 'bump' could be a noun, adjective or verb, but in the context in which it is used, it is a verb. You bump into things, while you bomb things. KABOOM!!!

Wrong use of comparatives- 'this is badder than I thought.' Very wrong.

Good, better, best. Bad, worse, worst. So 'worse' is what should be in that sentence. Unless na Engli-igbo you dey talk.

Storyline confusion- Sharon is a barrister, but her medical knowledge is above the layman's knowledge. An explanation on how she knows so much about the human anatomy is needed.

'Sharon poked the corpse's ribs with her gloved hands'. Why are her hands gloved? Where did the gloves come from? At what point did she wear the gloves?

Please read chapter six,seven and eight very carefully. Lucan was not shot in Ibe's house. Osborne road is where Koko bought a house for Amina. In chapter 8, Lucan wakes up in Amina's house in Osborne road. The shooting takes place in Amina's house. Two days later, Ibe and his wife are killed in their house in the GRA. LUCAN could not possibly have been shot in in Ibe's house because he was already in hospital, fighting for his life. The policemen discussing in chapter 8 confirmed this.

Kabon Tijani did not call the policemen. The policemen were already present when he arrived Osborne road. We shall assume they were called in by concerned neighbours who heard the sound of shots coming from Amina's house.

Lucan is no longer a fugitive. He is now under police custody again, that's why his colleagues were more concerned about him than the shooting. They even helped Kabon load Lucan into the vehicle and drove him to the hospital.

'The limping boy was grinning'-Please note that the limping character is not a boy, he is a man. He is first introduced in chapter six in the mortuary. He makes a reappearance in chapters 7 and 8. He uses the code 'Rain check'. I think this character should be developed because he is an angel of death; wherever he shows up, he leaves dead bodies behind.

Also note that the identity of Madam K has been revealed in chapter 8. In addition, any person that can make a serving honourable member of government quake with fear must be a very powerful person. HIM is not your ordinary, next-door villain.

Consider revising your chapter because it doesn't sync with the preceding chapters.

However, you did good because you worked under short notice, so kudos to you.