FullOfShame:


This is really deep. Thanks for putting it straight to me. How do I build the courage to tell them please? It's so difficult

igwemoagbo:
Hello guys. Moments ago I was just staring at a fan hook. And thots of taking my life kept on creeping inn.events leading to this day follows suit. In 2012: an incident took place in my place if work and judgementally I was asked to bear the loss because of my indirect involement& as a supervisor that day. Sold my car and few property to pay up the loss to the tune of 2million naira. within a given time.during that time. My overtime allowance, leave bonuses,and profit sharing allowances all stopped.only half salary. I eventually paid up. But a year went by. The management went silent on the issue. Fast forward to 2014.pleaded with them if my issue is resolved and at least resume my fully salary. They ignored. But all this while I put in more effort on the job. Making sure they are satisfied, hoping to redeem myself but it all failed. They employed new staffs gave them cars and tripple their salaries. But they left me same half salary. Which have left me in neck deep debt.. No savings anymore, house rent due.can't even continue my marriage plans this year..mean while I have searched for jobs and prayed to leave the company, but so far nothing has worked out.either has my prayers been answered. Days ago. They did another 40% increment.... So disappointing that nothing for me again...only same half salary. Am tired frustrated! don't feel like working anymore. And just sad and feeling its just too much.at 32years of age. Nothing has been working anymore. I wakeup praying, and crying seeing work colleagues much younger than me,been treated well while I have been reduced to nothing.... After putting so much commitment and hard work for 8years....it just hurts so much. Even friends feel I should resign. But I havnt gotten a new job.and they are asking me(the company) via mail to put in more effort in 2016. Even after seeing certain upgrade they carried out without me.

Kazna69:

I don't usually know to begin. I don't like to talk about what I feel like on the inside cos I consider it a "woman thing". I also don't like to talk too long/lengthy discussions cos it's exhausting & boring sometimes.

I got depressed while in school years back cos I had crappy grades (Com Sci) which lead me to believe it wasn't the right school program for me. I've been at home since 2012, no job cos I'm not the street hustler like some dudes, I don't have those savvy skill sets required by fancy organizations in prospective employees, no money, no real reliable friends & I don't know what else to think of other than putting an end to my misery by taking my life. I barely sleep at night, insomnia coupled with anxiety isn't helping my situation. I feel lethargic, get crazy headaches, low will power to want to get up & go do anything at all now mainly cos I feel my anxiety has somehow given me digestive & urinary issues. Stomach aches, rumblings & frequent trips to the rest room unending. Some people would say "go back to school" well to study what? I'm not a scientist or a business oriented person. After some deep introspection, I learned I have more of artistic qualities cos I liked doodling in school when my mind would wander off. These days I just sketch, write rhymes/lyrics (oh check the rap battle: 2 lines to Diss & flow for rank section) & try to learn graphic design- CorelDraw, PS, AI. I don't know what program to study in Uni (if there's cash), I don't know what business to undertake, if I were to start a blog, wtf would I write about? Gaming, arts, animes/manga, music? Those seem lame. I'm at my limit. I appreciate your thoughts.

thorpido:
Focus bro,focus.
What do you desire to become?You must have a dream and aspirations towards it.
What's your level of education now and if I may ask,what about your family?

thorpido:
Andromida has written extensively.
You have to tell your parents and start afresh.They may not pay your school fees but it means you will stop living a lie.
Send them a mail,if you can't talk on phone or meet face-to-face.

Your parents should have paid your school fees directly to the school instead of giving you the money after the first experience.They didn't learn too.

andromida:

You welcome.
The thing is you are already brave just by seeking for help.
You've acknowledged to yourself that you are living a fake life you are no longer lying to yourself. This is brave you didn't even make excuses for yourself. You've come so far you just need to get to the finish line you've been brave with yourself now you need to be brave with the world especially your family.
Think of how bad you are feeling and the years you have lost you may lose more years and yourself see how you don't feel respect for yourself and the sorrow that accompanies your loss of self respect even if others can't see it if you continue lying to them you'll lose more the fear and shame will grow into a hydra headed monster the longer you hide this from them the more daunting telling the truth becomes compare this sorrowful state of living to the freedom truth will give you, the confidence you will gain now that you are no longer in the hold of shame, guilt, fear and whatever else is going on the disappointment anger and judgement you are afraid of is a small price to pay for freedom and peace of mind. Imagine the relief that will come when you no longer have to keep this heavy secret that is stealing your life and joy. Fight for yourself finish what you started you are already a brave man.

andromida:

You welcome.
The thing is you are already brave just by seeking for help.
You've acknowledged to yourself that you are living a fake life you are no longer lying to yourself. This is brave you didn't even make excuses for yourself. You've come so far you just need to get to the finish line you've been brave with yourself now you need to be brave with the world especially your family.
Think of how bad you are feeling and the years you have lost you may lose more years and yourself see how you don't feel respect for yourself and the sorrow that accompanies your loss of self respect even if others can't see it if you continue lying to them you'll lose more the fear and shame will grow into a hydra headed monster the longer you hide this from them the more daunting telling the truth becomes compare this sorrowful state of living to the freedom truth will give you, the confidence you will gain now that you are no longer in the hold of shame, guilt, fear and whatever else is going on the disappointment anger and judgement you are afraid of is a small price to pay for freedom and peace of mind. Imagine the relief that will come when you no longer have to keep this heavy secret that is stealing your life and joy. Fight for yourself finish what you started you are already a brave man.

FullOfShame:




Thanks to you two. I'll proceed to tell them.

Kazna69:


It never really came to me while growing up. Self discovery talk was completely foreign to me. No one talked to me about that stuff.

I guess a degree in the Arts is a start. I just want to live comfortable.

I only got high school cert, quit Uni cos frustrated.

Family sucks @$$, I've come to detest the concept of a family unit & feel I'll have better luck among thieves. Mother's a b!tch, she left when I was 18, younger sister's another b!tch who's never supported me for anything plus she's disrespectful & I'm itching to kill her, dad's just a oblivious idiot who's never listened to me. I basically hate my family background & want to just walk away & never come back cos I don't give a Fûck no more.

thorpido:
I will encourage you to go back to school.Try and get a university education.I don't know how old you are.
The issue of finance will come in and it seems you don't have the funds.What i'll encourage you to do is get a source of income and get into part-time studies when you have sufficient funds.
It seems family is out of it for you,so you'll need to support yourself.
Try and make friends too.You need people to help you build bridges.

Kazna69:


How do you expect me to go back to school when I have insomnia & social anxiety?
How do you expect me to get a job with ssce when I have no skills whatever? I don't even know where to look?
How do you expect me to "make friends" when I just don't connect with people, I'm not the talking type. I'm introverted & I don't really concern myself with most garbage that Nigerians especially young people like to yap about so what's there to talk about? Besides if I don't have any friends now, it means people just won't accept me for me & I have no reason to want to be friends with people cos they simply won't understand anything. It only makes sense to think I can never have real friends cos people act fake. Fûck em!

andromida:


I feel so sorry for what you are going through.

This failing and your Dad screaming at you i hope you know its not because you failed if you will be honest with yourself you know the dysfunction goes way back. Its not only when you are doing great parents should love you i feel parents should love you through thick and thin support and build you up when you are down.

Maybe this is your father's version of tough love. Decide that he will not frustrate you whatever funds you get from him manage it i don't get your mom in all of this but i want to believe she can help set you up in something you can use to get by as per the hostel so sorry to say this as it is really inconvenient but if you have a friend you can put up with for a while do so.

thorpido:
Insomnia and anxiety can be dealt with by psychotherapy and drugs.
You can get jobs even with SSCE.It won't be a white collar job and won't pay much but you can get by with it.Can you teach?I'm sure there are schools that need assistant teachers.You can also do office assistant jobs just to name a few.
About making friends,sometimes you just need to leave your comfort zone.You don't have to force yourself on people but you can be more receptive to them.There are people who will accept you just the way you are as long as you are not snobbish.There are introverts who get along well with people.
Will you be my friend?

Nubian113:


Hey... How you feeling today? I've felt like that for a year and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy. If you have any questions please I'm a mention away. I could share some survival skills with you.

Especially the whole thinking too much. My mind use to run so much I couldn't function because I was unable to think straight even to concentrate on simple chores at work and of course once management noticed things just got to much. I had to leave work.

Kazna69:


1. I don't want to resort to a life of using drugs for fear of being addicted to it.
2. I know it won't be a while collar job duh
3. I don't like the idea of teaching,
I don't know what to teach
Cant teach what I don't know
Not good at speaking, long talk wears me out & I'm hardly understood
I don't like dealing with kids, they're noisy.

4. I'm never the type to force myself on people, it's a concept I was aware of since forever. If people don't gravitate to me for whatever reason IDGAF.
I know I was always friendly, maybe even too much that's why I feel so torn inside cost I was too cool with everybody. I'm always open but wary of those who come close but people misunderstood my introverted & reserved nature as snobbish which pissed me off, drove in the opposite direction.

5. Nigguh, that's a trick question

GboyegaD:


You could share for the sake of others in similar position.

thorpido:
You don't have to be on drugs forever.You may not even be placed on drugs,just sessions of psychotherapy.
I just suggested teaching,that may not be your area of interest but there are other areas.I see young people doing one thing or the other and i know they are jobs you don't need a degree for.Sometimes it's just your personality you need to fit into such jobs.You just have to try.

I'll recommend you visit a clinical psychologist.

bellong:
@Kazna69,

I am sorry for not getting back to you. I have been very very busy these past days.

I can see that thorpido, GboyegaD and other guys have really done well to advice you.

It is well with you.

Kazna69:

Yea no sh!t, it's what everybody says.

bellong:




I don't understand the bolded.

Kazna69:

I mean it's kinda redundant cos I hear it a lot but I do appreciate where it comes from. Thank you. I'll try my best to keep it together & manage.

Nubian113:


The thing is. You alone know the answers to your problem. Bill gates could sort you out $3.5mil and you'd be more likely to commit suicide than enjoy what you thought you wanted. What I'm saying is people are more happy with less. You talk of taking kids to school. Can I ask to learn what? If it's knowledge you seek for your children then my brother, education doesn't equate knowledge because men with phd's hate their life. What I'm saying is don't Burden us with your money worries because people in the west can't afford to take their childern to university. And they still get by. People in Africa my mother included have gone by without education and still become a success. I think the hosts are too civil and moderate to call you a scam but I'm calling it! You're a scam artist! Bye

Kazna69:


OK this is weirder than weirdium. Ma'am I think you have me mixed up with somebody, what are you talking about a scam for? That me going through a depression is a scam? Who am I trying to extort money from? What kids? Lady I dunno if you sipped a lil bit of reinforced coffee but you got the wrong guy & I'm offended cos being depressed is a serious issue. Maybe you should check the thread & read the comments again. I can't believe this. Are the mods even seeing this?

bellong:
@Kazna69,

I am sorry for not getting back to you. I have been very very busy these past days.

I can see that thorpido, GboyegaD and other guys have really done well to advice you.

It is well with you.

Nubian113:


Look I called your bs. I am sorry for the scam artist remarks. I call your bs because you sound/read like someone with facts, conditions, and reasoning, as if they read it somewhere. I'm paranoid by nature so I could put My hand up and say I might be wrong about you but you seem to not take advice and you come up with constant obstacles, like money, work, social pressure ect as to why you won't change but you hate yourself and your people. You hate your family well then move the fvck on so that you can sort your shi out and come back a better person. I'll leave you alone with a sincere apology for jumping off the gun at you because I had no right. I am sorry.

Ps I mistook you for the poster below you. He call all the mods to help so he could share my comment. He is burdened by money and I was following your story... I'm human and shi happen sometimes. I mistaken you guys into one. I hope you losen up thou. If you take one thing from my blunders that is GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY. PLEASE.

Kazna69:


(exhales) ermagerd cos I was thinking I committed a crime. It's OK, I guess. Humans are prone to errors. I'm coming from a place of grief & hurt so it's only natural I resent my family in some way. What do you mean "get out of your own way" I'd like an in-depth explanation if you could.

Nubian113:


You seem to be your own obstacle. Instead of agreeing with yourself; every now and again play the devils advocate and give yourself another point of view. You have the answers. You have to like yourself in order for people to like you. You have to love yourself in order for people to love you. You need to respect yourself in order for people to respect you. You see it was always about you so no one else could possibly have the answer. They're just being polite and civil. You have this power you seek and you just gotta get to know your soul and its needs.

Kazna69:


I'll say my problem has always been letting go & finding acceptance in myself & who I am. I'm beginning to understand that concept & slowly not holding on to people's opinions of me. But when it comes to life's purpose, how do I find "the answer" what am I looking for?

bellong:


The purpose of life can only be revealed or explained by the giver of life itself.

I don't know what faith you practise or if you are an atheist. However, being a Christian, OND of the reasons for believing in Christ is to define the purpose of life and open our eyes to see reason for our living.

He led by saying, "For this cause was I born, to this purpose came I into the world"

The only purpose of life I understand is the one defined by the giver.

If you ever want to know, the giver of life will be willing to reveal to you.

Kazna69:

OK don't take this the wrong way but I don't really hear voices in my head, ever. So I don't know how my purpose is supposed to be revealed. I don't feel anything, hear anything or see anything. I'm simply not "tuned in" to spiritual matters.

RoyalRoy:





You will.....u only need to listen more!!


Great job guys...Bellong, Thorpido, GboyegaD, and all others.


@Nubian113, in as much as I read that post of the other young man who is having issues with fund, I won't quickly conclude he is a scam.
A little more light into his situation will give us some more foot ground.

Thanks for your efforts in here though.

Appreciated.