Ejadamen:

You assume I am Igbo. Been in Enugu less than 6 months.

Obviously you're not, just assumed you'd have been around long enough to pick up on some local slangs, obviously you haven't. . .it's prolly the crowd you roll with.




@ Ari: The iPod's far more controllable than the TV, don'tcha fink?

why is he doing this to me?
wish i cld just let him go

cos he's driving me crazy,not
picking my calls,only for him to tel me his fone

wasnt ringing,when i knw he's prolly not picking up
cos he's with another woman
gawd if i see him now,i can dip my finger into his face and scratch till it bleeds
why would my gentility be mistaken for something else?oh cos u knw i wldnt drag the issue with u rite?
this might just be the last straw,

Royally pissed at myself right now
Thought I did the right thing
Now I realize it wasn't
Pissed that I'm realizing this 2 years later

Downright angry I am
And to think I laughed at concerned advise
Ay ay ay!
And to think I did it for you!

Do I get any thanks? No!
Do you realize the sacrifices I made? No!
Wish I could punch you
But I can't

I'm hoping you'll see the anguish in my eyes
The frustration I cannot voice
The way I long to hold you and b!tch slap you at the same time
I need help,your help

Help me before I sink into a pit of despair.

@Ejad: Straighten up little soldier.
A 2-yr investmnt down the drain, makes me wanna break things.
Just dump his backside n move on to better things. . . .(actually, there's still space in my mamacita entourage,  )

@favoured: He got a new gf? Easy. Go get yoself a new bf, too. Whatever happend to sweet revenge?

Finally, ladies, ladies, ladies, PLEASE STOP WEEPING!! We want you to be angry, angry, ANGRY!!! Damn.

@ Kay9
Dump ke? Impossicant! We're joined at the hip. But I'm not so much angry at the guy as I am at myself. I guess it was transfer of aggression on the guy otherwise he's aiight. Also I,annoyingly enough cry when angry but I will try to butch it up. And ho come you are on the ladies case and not on Blaze's case?
BTW where are Kill and Blue to inspire me?

we are, well i am here
and i believe i speak for my twin when i say
if he aint acting right,
let the person know

There's only so much you can accept from a friend,
after that it's a stained shift dress and crimson dripping hands

@kay9
lol! thanks man.

@blu: "person", teeheehee, havn't heard that one b4. I'll remember to call my boss that next time

Ejadamen:

@ Kay9

favouredjb:

@kay9
lol! thanks man.

First, they were weeping, now they've graduated to laffing; an improvement i admit, but. . . . grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr YOU CAN'T RANT WHEN YOU ARE LAFFING!!!
Ok, ok, i know when i'm pushing it, but really it's my man V who's better at this sorta thing, making peeps smile i mean Nice to see y'all brightening up again.

_{Now, can we have some rants please?}

The suave neighbourhood ladies man. That's me. If I make an appearance on Desperate Housewives, ooooh, use your imagination.

oh pls!
you'll be the legal mail man for wisteria lane
and i dont mean in that sexy way,
i mean the town gossip

i'm in such a catty mood today
i need to blow up at someone, anyone

kay, you're welcome,
there are so many fu[i]c[/i]king-retards about these days
kmft

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Hail ranters

Where are you all?

Yeah, where's everyone? Outta steam?

If things worked according to hw i plan'd, these words should be in red (depictn anger)

Recently got split up with my gf,
Necessary twas but i wasn't quite ready yet

Usually, i shuld hav had a suitable replacement somewhr arnd the end

But being with someone for too long gets yu rusty around the edges

I'm lagging behind, knw it'll eventually come to me butits taking way too long

Besides i doubt i'm finally able to cope with rigorous accessment programs they put yu on wen they're considering it

My sim that's been browsing free for the past 5monthsjust stopped abruptly yday

I'm guessingmtn eventually caught up with me

My laptop charger got burnt by my possessed generator, so i'm posting this mobile

It finally burnt the fan too & evry lighting bulb in my room

All dis might seemingly appear inconsequential to y'all,
But for someone like me who never has any bad luck, this is way too much

I had no idea it was going to turn out like this. I love this girl to bits but then how can she just be looking out from the window watching me while the dad unleashes their alsatian dog on me.

Leave me the heck alone, ALL of you! Why are you up in my face about stuff that isn't your business? If you want to criticize be constructive not destructive. Harness your tongue before I deliver blows you never expect. I refuse to be upset by you(wait I already am ) How am I supposed to move on with you yabbering at every step of the way. SHUT UP!!!

i am as guilty of this silence as you

@Blaze: no i'm not. I took an extended vacation to Hawaii; MTN Nigeria doesn't have that wide a coverage and i'm too patriotic to acquire non-Naija internet conn. Oya, wats your excuse?

@EjaD: Chill, we'll soon chase them crazy bumpets out of town!

@m3xy: Neva had bad luck? Aah, welcome to my world then. A word of advice: no one cares if u r miserable, so u'd better b happy.

@aruzu: sh!!t happens, mehn!

aruzuoke:

I had no idea it was going to turn out like this. I love this girl to bits but then how can she just be looking out from the window watching me while the dad unleashes their alsatian dog on me.

Ah! the memories Doh!

@ Kay9 don't mind them crazy a$$ fucktards Wassap? Hawaii huh? Now I hate you
@Blaze,Sisi_kill,blue! Where are u guys?

MALARIA DREAMS


Dreams are a crazy stuff, especially when malaria has a hand and a foot in it. Fancy the dream I had last night. It was so scary it made a horror film look like a routine Lagos traffic jam. I woke up sweating and decided it was time to see the doctor.
I dreamt that Senator Ahmed Yerima was elected the President of Nigeria. He settled into Aso Rock and introduced a thirteen year old, Fatima, as his wife and First Lady of Nigeria. That instantly posed a problem for the media which did not know whether Nigeria had a First Child or First Lady. Opinion was divided, but Ray Ekpu of Newswatch stepped in and decided that the media should hold a national conference and take a common position on how to address the President’s teen wife so as not to embarrass the President. The Nobel laureate Prof. Wole Soyinka maintained that to be grammatically correct, we should not address a child as a lady and asserted with authority that a “lady” is a term used to address “mature women” not “children.” He argued that she should remain a “First Child until further notice.”
But the People’s Democratic Party maintained that the problem was not grammatical but political. To which famous lawyer, Chief Femi Falana pointed out that the “child” in question was not of voting age and as such should not impose a political burden on the country. He maintained that the nation should assume that the President had no legal wife or in the alternative ask him to produce another wife worthy of being addressed as a First Lady and who was of voting age.
We were still trying to solve the matter when we heard that some civil right groups had taken the matter to the court to annul the marriage and let the child go back to school. We told them to hold on that the child was still in school and will actually be a part time First Child or First Lady and part time student. The case was dropped. We would have rested the matter there but guess what? Along came Prof. Dora Akunyili (I mean Prof Dora Akunyili again!) and said she had it on good authority that Her Excellency was still bed-wetting. She said it would do great damage to her rebranding exercise and wondered “how you could rebrand a country when the First Lady was busy wetting beds abroad.”
The Federal Ministry of Health responded promptly that it had developed drugs which could take care of bed-wetting, but if the drugs were not okay, then the First Lady could use catheter in the night and not wet beds in presidential guest houses abroad. Everyone was relieved but guess what? The Central Bank came charging that such money would not be charged to any budgetary item and would amount to an extra-budgetary expenditure and fraud. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission agreed and said the National Assembly should approve a “Bed-wetting allowance” for the president, before any fund was drawn. They noted that if the man were to travel as much as President Olusegun Obasanjo did, then it would add to the national inflation and would be difficult to justify based on existing financial regulations.
Well the debate was still raging when we heard that President Barrack Obama was coming to Nigeria on a state visit and would be accompanied by his wife, Michele. Civil liberties organizations swung into action and tried to persuade the American Embassy to postpone the trip until the “First Lady” issue was resolved. But the Embassy said the visit was part of a tour of strategic African states and Nigeria was amongst the most important in Africa.
Obama actually came and was met on the tarmac by President Yerima with his wife, Fatima, in tow. Obama thought Her Execllency, Mrs Fatima Yeriama, was the garland girl and bent down to have her hang a garland on his neck. Her Excellency on the other hand thought differently in the innocence of her childlike heart, and thought he was bending down to admire her dress. She giggled and said, “Isn’t this a very wonderful dress? It is the same color with my undies.”
Michele laughed heartily and picked up Her Excellency in her hands, stroking her head. I nearly fainted! She turned to President Yerima and said, “This should be your beautiful daughter, where is her mother -your wife?” To which President Yerima looked at her stunned, not knowing what to say. The American ambassador to Nigeria stepped in and saved the situation, “Mrs. Obama, that is the President’s wife that you are carrying in your hands. You may wish to put her down beside her husband so that the reception will continue.”
The Nigerian First Lady who had been struggling to get out of Michele’s hands, looked up indignantly at the American First Lady, said, “I will not be your friend again. Only my husband carries me up and you dared to carry me up.”
President Obama stroked his tie thoughtfully and said, “Let us not have a diplomatic row over this, I forgot to tell Michele that in Africa you catch them young. It is entirely my fault. My apologies to the First Couple. And now Mr President can we proceed to other reception formalities?”
Soon the airport reception was over and the two First Ladies had to while away time while the Presidents discussed matters of state. Mrs Yerima insisted on showing Mrs Obama her toys and her grades in school. The other women stood idly by as one baby doll after the other was shown to Mrs Obama. “My husband bought this toy for me from China, she can even sing, let me play it for you.” Mrs Obama nodded.
Her Excellency Fatima hit the button and the doll began to sing, “God damn America the great Satan, down with the infidels and down with the west…” Mrs. Obama cringed but the child paid her no heed.
She bounded over to the television and turned it on. Then she moved the dial to Cartoon Network and turned to Mrs Obama, “Do you watch Tom and Jerry?” But by this time Mrs Obama had had enough, she fainted and had to be flown back to America.
I was filing the report to my editor when my wife woke me up and said it was time to take my anti-malaria drug.

Ariblaze, now that's one dream that must never come to pass  
Nigeria, hmmm  You dont need to delve too deep in the horror world to get a seeming semblance to her 

Anyway that was humorous, hehehehe @ garland girl, bed-wetting adding to inflation

Aargh, for the infatuated love of hardcover akara and eko,

Some weasel wanna get cozy with my sista from anotha mister.
@Weasel surnamed Scarecrow: /Fingers fully extended/
Huh, you don't weigh much,
My sista is cough-laffing.
Well? Hands still gripping his ankles, I'm contemplating dragging him across the rug and outside my den. Better do it soom before he recovers from shock. If I see you pull a fast numba on her again eh, I'll do more than drag you across the mattress. No efo riro for you this evening. You can purchase hardcover instead. Now, OUT!

Hullo guyz! Long time no see.hey blue, how ya doing? Seems you used a summoning jutsu lol. Haa where have i been? Well i em em dont really know, was just too busy i guess,mehn my exams is just arround da corner,dont you just hate exams?
@blaze lol what antimalaria drugs are you using? Hope its got nafdac number lol.
@kaybaba whatzup and how waz ya vacation?
@ejadema me is liking your rants
@rave how u doing?
Where is v?
Salute to every1 come bring da rant thread alive again.

What's up blue and sino? Seems people haven't had much to rant about. I had something to rant about last week friday,now that I remember I'm getting all worked up again
Thursday 11pm 12/06/2010
I'm screaming my lungs out in the middle of a street in Lagos wondering how a person decided to keep me out of the loop. "How dare you? You all are so lucky I'm in Lagos right now. WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUSBAND!!" I'm seeing red and white,feeling incompetent that I'm many miles away from where I should be. I load my phone with credit and dial,no answer,phones are switched off. How could this be happening? I call the idiots who decided I did not need to know and proceeded to alternately scream and insult them till 12pm. One thing is clear, first thing in the morning I have to get back to coal city. My mind churns with all the horrible things I would like to do to ESWAMA(LAWMA in Lagos). When does a government body start abducting people and demanding ransom? I'm shocked at how bad things are getting in this country. I need a lawyer,no I need super powers to thrash those retards who call themselves civil servants but go about extorting companies. i can't sleep,morning is taking so long to come

Friday 9am 13/06/2010 (Owerri airport)
I'm still screaming!!! "You mean he hasn't been released yet?" I'm 3hrs away from coal city(no thanks to the  who decided to the idiot who shut down Enugu airport for a year) "Listen if he's not released before I get there ,  you don't even want to know how I'll react". Murderous thoughts going through my mind while in a taxi. I'll storm the governor's office and demand to know if ESWAMA has been empowered to abduct people. What happened to locking gates with a chain? Better still, I'll contact a local newspaper and pay them to write a stinker, then I'll head on off to ESWAMA office and cause such a scene, they'll know they detained the wrong guy or simply detain me as well. Dammit I'll need a lawyer. In my mind I'm wringing necks, punching men until they grovel on the floor in their blood and beg for mercy and I still won't be appeased. Next head I want on a plate is my husband's boss. I would so love for him to spend a month being "detained".
12pm
DH has been released just before I arrived. My head clears. Suddenly I can relax but I still want blood. How does one fight a government agency? The corruption in this country is so much I doubt I would make much headway. Besides it's a corporate affair not an individual fight. And if I do go after DH's boss like I imagined,wouldn't it cost DH his job? I feel furious at not being able to do a thing. But I do get my revenge later. A few well spoken barbs produced a lot of apologies that continued days after.

It's a sad thing,the way government bodies misuse their authority for personal gain. Makes me want to run for office and whoop their a$$. Or simply hire thugs and assassinate them all. Now that would be fun.

@ejadamen, seems you didnt settle your bills lol. Hey but abduction,kidnapping is a crime. Dont worry about fighting the government, you just cant win, i think having super powers would do better, like breathing out fire like a dragon or ultrasonic scream yeah that will be cool. Talking about holding to ransom, phcn in my neighbourhood is doing quite well, if you dont settle one yemi guy be sure your bills will skyrocket. Imagine a flat without complicated electronics just a tv,dvd,bulbs,fans,a pc&a laptop gets a bill of 5000naira how come? Virtually no one is home throughout the week except sundays. Now yemi is a demigod but he aint working alone, his boss&coworkers are also involved. I need to keita 'em @ their office, dont blame me, they hurt me first with the ball!? Nonsense peeps, i pray the so called yemi meets me at home one day-when do they even read the meters sef?-make i show am peppe, i'll pluck out his eyes,make a necklace outa 'em then break his legs into multiple fractions. When dis country go change sef?

@sino, bills were paid o,everything requested done but the magas just wanted egunje. Hiss!! About phcn,got someone doing the same thing to me here. It's terrible getting high unrealistic bills just because one has not settled. Since powers are absent, I'll keep firing them with prayers. Nonsense! Meanwhile I hope you'll follow through on your plan with this yemi guy

@ Blaze that malaria dream was off the hook!

You can count on it,just stay tuned to cnn,it ganna make headlines lol. You just cant scrap curruption in this country naa, i read we da most religious peeps! It really shows damn dis sh.it hole. I cant believe i still love this country! God punish all 'em bad peeps making naija bad amen.

hallo

she has stepped on my toes for the last time.
I once vowed never to hit a woman again but in this case i must make an exception.She stands there staring defiantly at me with those hauntingly seductive eyes.I am weak in the knees and nearly lose my resolve.But never again i say to myself will i fall prey to those evil eyes.I charge forward like an enraged bull and unleash a resounding slap across her face which connects with a sound like cracking thunder.She looks absolutely shell shocked.Emboldened,i clench my fists and follow up with a flurry of tyson-esque punches to the face.Each punch lands with a sickening thud.Suddenly,almost as if in slow motion,time slows and in that split second i watch in morbid fascination as the face begins to crumble and reshapen under the impact of my fists.The bridge of her nose caves in and blood bursts out as if from a broken dam,the eyelids double in size and i see teeth flying past me.I am Michealangelo gone berserk.Yet,she still stands,with her horrible broken up face staring at me through puffy slits and smiling.She takes a wild swing at me with rakishly long nails and i realize its now or never.With a bloodcurdling yell i bring my fists down in unison over her head and on impact i hear a horrible cracking of bone.Finally the witch crumbles.At long last,this devilish relationship is over I think as i smile in grim satisfaction at the disfigured heap at my feet.