I'm going to make this brief and short. I don't know the best advice to give to this friend.

He is HEAD-OVER-HEALS in love with this pretty lady probably in her mid 20s. The guy is in his mid 30s I presume. They've been together for over a year now and marriage is on the pipe line as plans are in top gear. The guy is doing ok and the lady has a reasonable job. They seem happy together but the problem is the lady is not in love with him yet and she is not pretending about it. She cares a lot about him and wants to be with him. Only she doesn't feel that fire yet. She supports him in every conceivable way and believes love will come. She claimed her love takes time to grow but agreed that it is budding. They are engaged to be married soon. Both families are in full support but don't know about this side of the love story.

The BIG questions begging for answers now are:

1. Do you all think they should go ahead with the marriage plans?
2. Is it possible for the missing fire/love to come after marriage?
3. Does love take this long to come; 15 months and counting?

This thread is open to all for response. Sistas, Brovas, Mommas and even Popas etc.

Did the girl tell you she doesnt love ur friend herself or did u just notice??
Or maybe you are just jealous of your friend??

No I can't be jealous of my friend. He is worried about it. We are very close and I was mystified to hear the girl isn't in love with him yet. You need to see the 2 love birds together. He told me this last weekend and I felt I should bring it to Nairaland for discussion so I'd be better prepared for a reasonable response.

Don't think she should marry him if she only cares for him and doesn't love him. Cos love is what'll sustain their marriage. Try posting it on spousesanonymous.com. More mature minds there.

She really should not settle. And settling is just what she is doing if she is not inlove with him.

They should hold off and wait to see if it develops. By now in her mid 20's she should know what it is that she is looking for and she should by now know if she is in love with him.

If she does not get that fire from him there will be that 'one' that comes that has that fire and end her marriage not to any fault of her or his own but because your friend is really not the 'one'

if she hasn't cheat on him yet after a year, then i believe he has nothing to worry about, if not then they should both break up for a while if they come back to each other then it is meant to be, i wasn't that in love with my husband until we said I do. so she might be protecting her heart .

Oh she loves him, she just dosent know it yet.

Ujujoan:

Oh she loves him, she just dosent know it yet.

I'm amazed myself too, reason is that we were all together yesterday evening after work and I was wondering what it actually is that she is refering to as LOVE. She seems so into him (from my observations though). Just like you said. maybe she hasn't realized it yet.

Meanwhile, I had a cheat chat with her yesterday and guess what? She told me she loves him and is ready to go extra miles with him. I asumed she might not like to sell out to me that she is not yet in love with the guy. And to say she is deperate is way out of line because she is a very beautiful woman and so wouldn't have a problem nailing any man of her choice. I wouldn't mind her to say the truth. (Hey, I don't envy my friend sha o so no name calling ooo please  .) She is also faithful to him I assume based on the fact that she is a born again christian. I don't know the advice to offer to the guy now. Maybe I should just print the various replies from members with their divers views and hand them to him to review with his fiancee.

More opinions please. This I assume is a matter that calls for divers views from all and saundry. Even if it didn't change their position, it will leave a taste in their mouths and maybe spur the fire to start burning from the girls end. Who knows the opinions here might just be the nudge she needs.

So people keep them coming.

hmm, d way i see it if she doesnt feel that anything for him,she's not obligated to hookup wit him.
but from the way i see ur story, she DOES feel alot for him and dats wat matters. u say she's a BA xtian;my experiences tell dat its probably because they've not had sex( or not )

Girls are very good pretenders. I feel for her, Here is a man she appreciates and respects and is in love with her but she just doesn't feel that spark for him. Or should I say that he just doesn't bring that 'va' into the 'va va voom' of the relationship. She might grow to love him. It happens all the time. Because most chicks I know always pray for a guy to be more in love with them than they are with him as this helps to bring more tolerance of shortcomings. She should take some time off, experience a change of environment without him so she can view the relationship from a different perspective. That should help.

Jiokeh:

I'm amazed myself too, reason is that we were all together yesterday evening after work and I was wondering what it actually is that she is refering to as LOVE. She seems so into him (from my observations though). Just like you said. maybe she hasn't realized it yet.

Maybe like she said, she takes her time to love. Saying the words might also be difficult for her. Tell your friend not to worry, its better he has some1 like her that some1 who'd sing the words from day one, but is obviously lying about it.

See, this is how people go about looking for trouble.

They are happy
She has a reasonable job (no boda buy me phone card naaaaw)
She cares a lot about him
She supports him in every inconceivable way
Both families support them
But most importantly. . . She is HONEST.

And your friend wants to throw all this away because he has not heard “I Love you”?

Can you please tell him that one girl on Nairaland says she PITYS HIM, NO BE SMALL.

Sisikill:

See, this is how people go about looking for trouble.

They are happy
She has a reasonable job (no boda buy me phone card naaaaw)
She cares a lot about him
She supports him in every inconceivable way
Both families support them
But most importantly. . . She is HONEST.

And your friend wants to throw all this away because he has not heard “I Love you”?

Can you please tell him that one girl on Nairaland says she PITYS HIM, NO BE SMALL.

my sentiments exactly

The only post i concur with is Sistawoman. Someone will come along at some point and make her think, she might not be unfaithful but she might think about ending it.

But then maybe she just never got to verbalize her feelings. I am hoping this is the situation or else the guy will never be really happy with her. if the woman is not happy the guy should forget it.

Ujujoan:

Maybe like she said, she takes her time to love. Saying the words might also be difficult for her. Tell your friend not to worry, its better he has someone like her that someone who'D sing the words from day one, but is obviously lying about it.

I am not sure he is thinking of living her at the moment. Its just a fear of them not living happily ever after that's hunting him. I admire the guy a lot because this lady is everything to him. In the 1 yr plus of their relationship, he's NEVER (the word emphasized) cheated on her and has sworn not to cheat on her. Not now, not after marriage. I'm sure this is because he is very much in love with the girl. Maybe what he wants to hear is that the spark will someday come.

If there are members who've been through a similar experience, I think that will help a lot if they come forward and share their experience. Maybe not in details but just to mention they went through that and today they are happier for it. Male or female.

If na me, the marriage will wait oh, until u feel the fire. If it is not yet here, when will it come? Abeg marriage na life long entrapment, i no dey for regrets in the future - i dodge am!

proo212:

But then maybe she just never got to verbalize her feelings. I am hoping this is the situation or else the guy will never be really happy with her. if the woman is not happy the guy should forget it.

The part highlighted in bold is from experience. In my opinion, the guy should be concerned about the lady's happiness. Is she happy being with him and not settling? The lady should be honest with him as well. Like I said before, I do hope the girl has issues with verbalizing her feelings or else it's only a matter of time. She might be going with the motions at the moment (it makes sense, he loves me and all that). But after the wedding ceremony and the marriage begins, reality will set in and it might just be OK but it could be a lot better. Somebody might come along that "gets" her and vice versa and that is when the troubles will begin. Forsaking all others doesn't mean your mind will not wander.

Will post the happenings of this weekend. Got lotta work today. Still keep the comments coming. Welcome all to another working week.

Hey poster, be honest, are you the guy in question?No need to lie.

Ha ha ha ha! ! ! ! !

@ outlaws

your cmment didn't come on time. I've since expected this to come 'cos for real, reading tru makes it sounds so much like I am the one in the shoes. Anywayz sha! to set the record straight, I ain't the one so, let the comments flow in.

What's up poster? I think you are the guy in question but I may be wrong. To answer your question, both parties have to love each other for the marriage
to survive. Assuming the guy in question goes ahead with the marriage, the lady may one day find a man that she loves, which means divorce for the guy in question.

Members please send in more straight-from-the-heart response. It will go a long way to help out a brother in dilema.

@ poster.
am having a strong feeling that you are the one, but whatever the situation, i wish ur friend the very best.

Anyway, just like others have said, its either she's not sure of her feelings for the guy or she doesnt love him at all.
It cud also be that she has suffered a heartbreak in the past that is making it difficult for her to love again.

It happened to me too after i broke up with my ex,it was real hard for me to love again until i met my present boyfrien.d.I think they should give each other time to sort out their feelings and see what comes out of it.

All the best

gud talk pearly! such relationship calls for more time of courtship to really get the lady on the line.

gudluck poster!

@ topic

I am sorry but if in 15 months, nothing has shown up then she is just being disillusioned herself.