@aisha2 hmmmmmm. I dont need you to pet me. But just be constructive in your comments. Though they are. But enough of the harshness now because it wont change anything that has happened in the past. But I definitely share your views. At least you are kind enough to even respond. This has gone a long way to make me slightly stable. I am not playing the victim. It is just that before my wife gets the brief I cant talk about it with her. She and the children are the ones I deceive laying claim to be a good that I am not. Now I can nolonger hide behing one finger. Either your harshness or any other thing they are welcome. You could have ignored the whole posting like since it doesnt directly affect you. Thanks for your comments

@op, please the soner you go home and confess to your wife, the better for you and your family. She and your children are in the mess you caused them, ot the one they caused for themselves, i wonder how you would have handled it if it was the other way round. Now that said, don't involve any of your in-laws now, involve her alone and show true repentance and regret.
Let me give you a clue on how to start..............are you interested

@greatgod I am interested in any genuine way to resolve this. I want to involve my in law because my wife will later tell them 1, 2 they are the ones that can talk to her and if they assure her of support she will ne a bit calm. But definitely I cant be that person she will look upto at that point no matter how contrite I was or look she definitely will take my words with pinch of salt until we overcome the challenge by God grace. However in all this I have decided and I have spoken with him about coming to see him with my wife. That is my wife uncle. That is another person outside her father that can mediate. But I think I should hear you 1st. Thanks

I must say that in all these I havent gone to God or talk to him because I know my cup is filled long long ago. How do I go back to him to let this cup pass over me again. But that is where this must start from

Please do not involve family members.

Did you seek the opinion of family members when you were busy doing the DO? Dude, respect yourself abeg! You guys are married, do not involve third parties in your marital issues.

@idowuogbo we have been married for 9years. We have never had any reason to get anybody involve in our family life. But on this particular case I am not sure it will remain hidden for long. My wife will be shattered emotionally and I am not sure she will be consolable. The people I mentioned are people that I know genuinely cared for us and they will be very objective. But I understand your point. I will consider it all prayerfully. But thanks for your thot and line of reasoning

@greatgod2012 waiting for your comments.

wolewill: @idowuogbo we have been married for 9years. We have never had any reason to get anybody involve in our family life. But on this particular case I am not sure it will remain hidden for long. My wife will be shattered emotionally and I am not sure she will be consolable. The people I mentioned are people that I know genuinely cared for us and they will be very objective. But I understand your point. I will consider it all prayerfully. But thanks for your thot and line of reasoning

But i think you it will be better to share it with her alone first. Then her reaction will determine whether to involve third parties or not.

I can't imagine my hubby cheating on me/putting me in a mess and breaking the news to me in front of my father or any other third party. More like adding salt to my injury

@Godmystrength I dont know, just a bit at my wit end. I am just considering her breakdown. Well I will be on my way by tomorrow. By then the children should be out so I will gauge her mood and see if can do it alone with her.

@ Godismystrength this your statement is insightful for me.

I can't imagine my hubby cheating on me and breaking the news to me in front of my father or any other third party. More like adding salt to my injury

wolewill: @idowuogbo we have been married for 9years. We have never had any reason to get anybody involve in our family life. But on this particular case I am not sure it will remain hidden for long. My wife will be shattered emotionally and I am not sure she will be consolable. The people I mentioned are people that I know genuinely cared for us and they will be very objective. But I understand your point. I will consider it all prayerfully. But thanks for your thot and line of reasoning

Tell her first and let her be the one to decide who she wants to reveal your issues to. Don't decide for her. You never know, she might decide to keep your issues in-house.

Go and tell her first, dont use anyone else to emotionally blackmail her actions. Let her deal with the shock alone first before others if need be come in.
If you go with someone who succeds in getting her to surpress her emotions at that time she is learning of it she will only keep it in and be resentful later and keep remembering it when she remembers anytime she is upset. Let her hear about it and freely react with any influence.

The problem is you are still thinking about yourself how to make it easier on yourself rather than letting things take their natural course. Go to a good doctor who will give you both counselling, do the test together, if you need treatment do it and let her gradually deal with it her own way.

@aisha22, idowuogbo thanks I agree with your suggestions. Will consider it.

@op, by involving family members, it's like washing your marriage's dirty linen in public, what if you think they(whoever you invite) will forgive you and help you pet your wife into forgiving you and they do otherwise. I will advise you involve your wife alone, and if she thinks telling her folks is what she believes in, then, it's better that way than you being the one to invite them to come and see and hear how you have been cheating and exposing their daughter to infections.

That being said, remember my first post on this thread, "whether she forgives you or not is irrelevant, but confessing to her is very very important. To forgive you now depends on........
1. Her prerogative.
2. You being truly sorry and genuinely repentant.

However, she might find it difficult to ever trust you again, that is left for you to live with for the rest of your life.

Now, to get started, let it be between you and her alone, even without the kids there......and start with this phrase "i'm not worthy to be called your husband", tell her that she is too good to be married to someone like you and that you want to confess your being unfaithful to her, that after that, you're truly sorry and promise never to betray her trust again, if she can give you a second chance, but if she can't, you truly understand that you're the cause of it all and promise to be a good father to your children, but you will so appreciate and make it over for her if she can forgive you".
In all these, you have to be on your knees o, and if she asks you to get up, tell her to let you remain like that to show how truly remoseful you are.
It now depend on her to forgive you or not.
And i sincerely believe that she will forgive you.



Now, if it's the other way round, will you forgive her.(no need to answer this question, just for us all to ponder on.


All the best.

@greatgod2012 thanks. it sounds very reasonable to me. I definitely know that I will never go near such again if i am giving this opportunity by my wife and my God. You asked if it was me will I forgive, HMMMMMM. I may find it had but i don't know until I get there let me be truthful. our society unfortunately is unkind to women in terms of men understanding when it comes to women (though the discrimination is wrong). But we are all humans it could happened both ways. It is only that I will be shocked coming from her and then definitely no woman will be good for me anymore, because my reasoning will be that if she can do it anybody can do it. on that basis I will rather say the devil you know is better than the one you don't.
I pray we are both strengthened enough to deal with this. I just pray she will forgive me and return to the person she has always been[i][/i], if not leaving with another side of her will be a very difficult one for me and my children, considering her role and impact in the family.
Yes I am a man on the moves most times of the year, but there is no justification whatsoever for what has happened. it is mere selfishness and senselessness. Thanks

No matter her reaction make sure you guys go for testing and counseling. Its very important. I am sorry I have been very harsh, my experience makes me feel upset because I see it a lot, careless "enjoyment" ruining whole families. Recently a man and his twins all died one after the other leaving the wife and 2 kids who are already showing signs of progression because sadly even after counselling and testing the wife was bitter and in denial refusing ARVs.
She came when she was pregnant, got tested and the husband was ill in another clinic he refused to tell her and she was running around, when the results came from hers we asked for the husband he was in one mushroom trado medical clinic, he knew his condition but didnt tell his wife and was constantly denying that it was juju.

The man died and she her own pregnancy was advanced when she came to the hospital and so Prevention of mother to child transmission was unsuccesful, the kids suffered so much and died. The wife is already showing signs yet chooses to go to a church where she is also being told its an attack and is gradually loosing the battle, one of the kids is infected as she had him at home. Its the worst thing to see then I come here most times and hear people talking so causally about cheating on their spouses without thinking of the consequences

I don't think kissing the kids will put them at risk except she has it orally which is on the lips, but if it's genital herpes then it poses no risk to them, except she touches an open blister and without washing her hands touches the kids. From what I know about herpes you can infect yourself by touching an open sore and then touching your eyes for instance, so just be careful about that.

@Aisha, thanks, we will definitely go testing and counselling for all sorts, i just pray it wont be too damaging. Did I casualised it, no, it has been eating me up for days but I couldn't share it with anybody.

wolewill: @Aisha, thanks, we will definitely go testing and counselling for all sorts, i just pray it wont be too damaging. Did I casualised it, no, it has been eating me up for days but I couldn't share it with anybody.

The causal statement was not for you, I see a lot of people use it here everytime and justify it. I was just trying to explain my hurt to you.

Remember what ever the result it is not the end of the world if properly managed. Early detection save lives

@havilla I dont know if what we are dealing with is oral or genital. but I noticed it on my face last year and i went to a government hospital in which the doctors said it wasnt may be i didnt present the case well enough and by the time i got to a lab i could do it the cost was a lot higher than what I thought so my plan was to come back. But it cleared off, but this is the first time it will present in genital form may be because i performed MouthAction on my wife. though the blisters are also on her her face 1 or 2 i guess that disappeared immediately. i guess lack of adequate awareness on my part which i am responsible for could have caused this. But i don't know which of the 2 until we all get tested.

Thanks

Thanks Aisha22,you and others have been very supporting. I dont need to mention names here but i have got some support like i was talking to a counselor.

Why is involving in laws even on the table. Your children do not even need to know. It affects them in no way. Please tell your wife and that's it.

@ OP

Why not go for a proper test tomorrow before you break the news to your wife?

Do you want her to go through another emotional pain when you all go for test and the results are positive?

I will suggest you do your own check up first so that you will be able to answer all her questions very very well.

I pray she finds a place in her heart to forgive you because you really need each other now. This is the time you need to be strong and seek the

face of God together. Pray to God to take control of the situation tomorrow and commit the heart of your wife into God's hands.

I am sure she will forgive you. You need to ask for genuine repentance from God and her as well

May God heal you, your family, friend and marriage in Jesus name.

@nikkykay-i doubt if wolewill will want to confess to wifey again if he goes for test alone and it comes out negative. Except he is truely repentant and not for the fear of herpes.

Godmystrength: @nikkykay-i doubt if wolewill will want to confess to wifey again if he goes for test alone and it comes out negative. Except he is truely repentant and not for the fear of herpes.

If he comes out negative, he should still confess to his wife about his infidelity since he said he had already stopped the affair with his girlfriend

before he discovered this

I am sure with what he is going through now if he comes out negative, he will never want to go into extra marital affairs again

@nikkykay and Godmystrenth I will like to see gynecologist first with my wife. I will come clean with her but I need to let her know I was exposed and we need to see doctor for check up. I have always wanted to come clean but keep pushing for fear of how to go about it but I pray God just want to use this avenue for me do it earlier before I run into bigger trouble assuming it isnt a bigger one yet. I need to reconcile with God but I cant do that while not clean with my wife.
Thanks for your advice. I shoud hit the road tomorrow Gods willing.

Hmmmm....Good luck

wolewill: @greatgod2012 thanks. it sounds very reasonable to me. I definitely know that I will never go near such again if i am giving this opportunity by my wife and my God. You asked if it was me will I forgive, HMMMMMM. I may find it had but i don't know until I get there let me be truthful. our society unfortunately is unkind to women in terms of men understanding when it comes to women (though the discrimination is wrong). But we are all humans it could happened both ways. It is only that I will be shocked coming from her and then definitely no woman will be good for me anymore, because my reasoning will be that if she can do it anybody can do it. on that basis I will rather say the devil you know is better than the one you don't.
I pray we are both strengthened enough to deal with this. I just pray she will forgive me and return to the person she has always been[i][/i], if not leaving with another side of her will be a very difficult one for me and my children, considering her role and impact in the family.
Yes I am a man on the moves most times of the year, but there is no justification whatsoever for what has happened. it is mere selfishness and senselessness. Thanks

I really wish you wouldn't have to tell your wife about this. I just hope you are ready for the consequences. She will never ever forget this, even "If she eventually" forgives you, the scar will remain for life. I can assure you. You might never recover from this because it will take ages for her to fully get-over this disaster. Especially as you are never around most of the time. And she might even retaliate.
Don't be too expectant, most women are advocating that you come clean, I'm not against that especially as her health is concerned, but I just want you to know that things will most likely never remain the same again. She will not trust you again I can assure you this, forget what you are being told here. She will always believe you are with some Woman in your base even if its untrue. She will have sleepless nights, and will be continually tormented and disturbed during your absence. She will always wonder what you are currently doing where ever you are. Pls brace yourself for the worst. I don't think she deserves this punishment. You were selfish to have cheated, now you want to compound that selfishness by putting the pain and guilt on her. You want to confess because you feel terribly guilty and can't cope with the burden on your conscience hence the need offload it on her. I laugh at you! You can shag and shag outside your marriage but you aren't ready to live with the repercussions on your conscience! Pls stop calling God. It makes me feel sick.

@dukenija so what do you advise. This another dimension to it. I never thot of it this way.

Idowuogbo: Please do not involve family members.

Did you seek the opinion of family members when you were busy doing the DO? Dude, respect yourself abeg! You guys are married, do not involve third parties in your marital issues.

@ the poster please heed the above advice
Don't complicate matters for yourself
This is between you and your wife
Have you factored in the fact that she may not want her family to know about this
Most people want others out of their se.xual affairs including their STD history
Please accord her some privacy on this revelation
There will be a grieving process while she deals with your betrayal ,the STD, the moment she will feel like killing you
Let her pass through that without you making it worse
If it calls for that later on,you cross that river when you get to it

@idowuogbo you did make a sound of hmmmmn. Pls what is on your mind. It seems you have fears like dukenija

@babyosisi thanks I wont involve them. Now I have murdered sleep life will not be the same. What a pain. I really wish I could wake from this dream. Even now I am battling with the physical pain and illness that comes with this.