SMH

mutter:


To her husband being a womanizer
I quote
@coogar he even admitted to me dat he had not been faithful in d past but promised he wld never cheat on me again. D real number he didn't tell me, but d ones I know is two.

Exactly because of the vows and things like STD a woman should marry the right partner. When you focus your priority on material or other things rather than the character and decency of the partner, do you expect the devil to become an angel overnight because you married him?

As regards the privacy- as long as you go looking into things you cannot do in the presence of the partner you are snooping.

The words in red still states that he cheated during the marriage not before. Just read more carefully.


@coogar he even admitted to me dat he had not been faithful in d past but promised he wld never cheat on me again.
"He had not been faithful"....I guess you only start carrying that "faithful" tag when you tie the knot. But nevertheless, the guy is the real tyrant here.

Any words of advice for the lady?

Seems you got experience.

mutter:
IF your husband is fliring it means he is looking for something he is not getting home. You can`t change your husband but you can change you. Go into yourself and check what you are doing wrong or omitting to do.
Start working on your marriage.
Getting a husband is not hard but the biggest challange is keeping a happy home. Yo need to keep the live alive and kindle the fire every day.
STOP snooping around. His Tel. is not your biz.

nne out of curiosity I want to know if you will also tell the husband of a cheating wife to take the blame for her sleeping around and work on giving His wife whatever it is that is making her go outside.
Or tell Him his wife's phone is none of his business?

coogar:


snooping isn't allowed!
snooping is simply lack of trust, if you have to snoop to keep your partner in check then you must have married the wrong partner.

Mba!
If someone has given you a reason not to trust him/her, then its normal human behaviour to want to know what is going on as you cant really relay on what that person tells you from that point on.
If you were looking for a spare set of house keys in your wifes handbag and you find a condom in her bag; she does not work for the NHS where they give out free condoms o!
Will you not rummage through her bag and look in her phone?
I know you coogar . . .you will turn that bag upside down and even look in the lining
You will even install a tracker on her car and hire a private investigator . . .
stop forming cool hubby here o!
Lemme go and call Jaybee3 sef

cococandy:
nne out of curiosity I want to know if you will also tell the husband of a cheating wife to take the blame for her sleeping around and work on giving His wife whatever it is that is making her go outside.
Or tell Him his wife's phone is none of his business?

PLEASE we have gone through this so often. The nigerian man is polygamous! So it is not the same yardstick for men and women. Yo know how society ticks on such thinks and you and I cannot be greater than the society or change it.

@ Onegig What is there to adivce. I pity her from the bottom of my heart. I lso hope she does not get infected with anything. You cannot help someone with advice who is in denial and withholding some part of the information. That is why I adviced initially she should work on herself and being a good wife It is to be hoped that the man will respond positively after some time.

lifenocks:
Below is a conversation I saw on my husband's phone with a girl he once asked out, which he claimed that d said lady didn't date him.

He told her he is always picturing her face everyday and she is d wife he never had.

I confronted him and he says that d conversation meant nothing and apologised. And also said if he knew the conversation would make me angry he would ve deleted it from his phone.

But my point hear is dat he is flirting he has cheated on me about twice that i am aware of and it looks as if he won't stop. I need maturity advice. Is the the above statement just a mere conversation or is there more to it. Thanks.

There is more to it. He was flirting.
Stop any long standing argument you have with him. Whatever it is, talk it out.
Stop any grudge or bitterness you guys are keeping in the house.
Be a good wife. Serve him his food on time and respectfully.
Stop looking through his phone. It makes you apprehensive and distrustful and you wont feel peace till you find something like this and even then you still wont feel peace.
When last did you have sex? How often? Bleep him more regularly.

Do all this and he will lose interest in looking outside.

mutter:


PLEASE we have gone through this so often. The nigerian man is polygamous! So it is not the same yardstick for men and women. Yo know how society ticks on such thinks and you and I cannot be greater than the society or change it.

who is the society? If not you and I.

So all this nonsense you've been typing here is just to say that you think husbands shouldn't be blamed when they cheat.
The wife takes the blame when she cheats and also takes the blame when the husband cheats .

It is one thing to say YOU THINK men don't have self control,it is another thing entirely to push the blame on the woman as the cause of her husband's philandering.

So much for dignity.

If you can't at least help the OP don't make her feel worse with your comments.

chaircover:

Mba!
If someone has given you a reason not to trust him/her, then its normal human behaviour to want to know what is going on as you cant really relay on what that person tells you from that point on.

why get married to someone who has given you a reason not to trust him/her? na by force?

If you were looking for a spare set of house keys in your wifes handbag and you find a condom in her bag; she does not work for the NHS where they give out free condoms o!
Will you not rummage through her bag and look in her phone? I'm I know you coogar . . .you will turn that bag upside down and even look in the lining
You will even install a tracker on her car and hire a private investigator . . .
stop forming cool hubby here o!
Lemme go and call Jaybee3 sef

condoms in her handbag won't even get me started. she might have be given by all those health workers milling around offices & special events. look in her phone? God forbid!!! i have never looked into any woman's phone.....that's her privacy abeg.

cococandy:
who is the society? If not you and I.
So all this nonsense you've been typing here is just to say that you think husbands shouldn't be blamed when they cheat.
The wife takes the blame when she cheats and also takes the blame when the husband cheats .
It is one thing to say YOU THINK men don't have self control,it is another thing entirely to push the blame on the woman as the cause of her husband's philandering.
So much for dignity.
If you can't at least help the OP don't make her feel worse with your comments.

You and I can change nothing.
This is the way things are and you better get accustomed to it and learn how to fit in.

And you know what- I don`t want to discuss anything on changing society.
Millions of Nigerians, educated and emancipated -and a bunch of corrupt hooligans have reduced the country to shambles. Are you not a part of that society? What have you and I changed.

Now we can`t change the evil and corrupt society but you want us to change the culture of our forefathers.

So much for dignity and sober reality!

cococandy:
who is the society? If not you and I.

So all this nonsense you've been typing here is just to say that you think husbands shouldn't be blamed when they cheat.
The wife takes the blame when she cheats and also takes the blame when the husband cheats .

It is one thing to say YOU THINK men don't have self control,it is another thing entirely to push the blame on the woman as the cause of her husband's philandering.

So much for dignity.

If you can't at least help the OP don't make her feel worse with your comments.

so comments are meant to make OPs feel good? what about just telling them the truth? the truth is bitter but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be told.

mutter:


You and I can change nothing.
This is the way things are and you better get accustomed to it and learn how to fit in.

And you know what- I don`t want to discuss anything on changing society.
Millions of Nigerians, educated and emancipated -and a bunch of corrupt hooligans have reduced the country to shambles. Are you not a part of that society? What have you and I changed.

Now we can`t change the evil and corrupt society but you want us to change the culture of our forefathers.

So much for dignity and sober reality!

The unfortunate reality

coogar:


so comments are meant to make OPs feel good? what about just telling them the truth? the truth is bitter but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be told.

what is the truth? That it is her fault?

cococandy:
what is the truth? That it is her fault?

yes!
she married a serial cheat.

coogar:


yes!
she married a serial cheat.

in this case, OP has no one to blame but herself. The man in question confessed to being a cheat, he asked for her hand in marriage and she gladly said yes. So, majority of the blame lies on the woman.

The man may not have proposed sef, she's probably the one that "tied" him down with belle, knowing he's a cheat.

BABE3:


in this case, OP has no one to blame but herself. The man in question confessed to being a cheat, he asked for her hand in marriage and she gladly said yes. So, majority of the blame lies on the woman.

The man may not have proposed sef, she's probably the one that "tied" him down with belle, knowing he's a cheat.

only women buy a damaged good & then complain after a while that what they bought is not working to their satisfaction.

he's cheated several times in the past - the OP herself has caught him not once, but twice & we are supposed to expect this dude to turn a new leaf by fasting & praying?

my advice meter is zero at the moment..Too many marital problems off and on NL. @op, it is well o even if I know it is not well.

Your husband have got no business being in marriage. He has lost any moral or spiritual right to bring leadership into your union. If, you are a person of value and principles make it clear to him that it is either he gets his asss in order or you gonna walk. If on the other hand you married him cos of his money due to economic meltdown or pressures from family and society you have got to Smile to the cameras and bleed on the inside till God knows when. you deserve true happiness,support,love respect and marital bliss bout, you married the wrong boy. I can imagine how broken you feel but it is never too late if you've got kids to teach them the right principles so society will have less of your husband kind. May you be guided.

coogar:


yes!
she married a serial cheat.

according to her post she found out about this thru his confession AFTER they were married.

Or did I read wrong?

mutter:


PLEASE we have gone through this so often. The nigerian man is polygamous! So it is not the same yardstick for men and women. Yo know how society ticks on such thinks and you and I cannot be greater than the society or change it.

The Nigerian Man isn't polygamous biko. I disagree. Don't generalise. That's how women excuse their husband's cheating Nature.

Gosh! People can be so unrealistic and good at throwing a general blanket over everything! Its annoying really! EVERY MARITAL case is different! Different couple, different situations, different environments etc etc....

This woman has stated her issue straight up. What is with all the salt and pepper being added to the case. From her comments, its clear he cheated on her in the course of their marriage.

Even if we want to assume all sorts, it could be that if he was a serial cheat, she never found out cos she didn't want to "snoop"...... Cos she wanted to give him his privacy. Orishi rishi! *sarcastic tone*

@op, as far as I am concerned, no one shud blame you for checking ur husband's fon once in a while especially as he has given you reasons to doubt him! That's why some ladies will b buried before they know what hit them and that was the same reason why Uriah took his own death letter to deliver! If he had sneaked to read it,he wouldn't have deliverd it and wouldn't have died....

The important thing is what you do with the information you have discovered. That is entirely up to you. So op, do what you may but remember divorce is not always the answer. Thread carefully and with wisdom. Make sure you make the issue a big deal in the house and strike at his conscience ( but be careful with his ego). After a while genuinely forgive him (tho its not easy) and you both work on your marriage TOGETHER! You may actually need to make one or two changes for the marriage sake. But note, don't FEEL QUILTY for his cheating ways. Mbanu! To cheat was entirely his decision! What could you have done to him that is worse than cheating on you TWICE before? Yet you didn't make the DECISION to cheat on him! Instead you went looking for advice to help your marriage! So I repeat......

DON'T FEEL QUILTY FOR HIS CHEATING WAYS!

cococandy:
according to her post she found out about this thru his confession AFTER they were married.

Or did I read wrong?

you really believe a man that hasn't cheated ever before would suddenly become a serial cheat after marriage? where did he quickly learn how to cheat?

from what the OP has said, this dude is an unrepentant serial cheat. he has confessed to it several times & the OP herself has caught him twice on her own. this cheating business has been going on for long - it didn't start with the text message.

mutter:
IF your husband is fliring it means he is looking for something he is not getting home. You can`t change your husband but you can change you. Go into yourself and check what you are doing wrong or omitting to do.
Start working on your marriage.
Getting a husband is not hard but the biggest challange is keeping a happy home. Yo need to keep the live alive and kindle the fire every day.
STOP snooping around. His Tel. is not your biz.

This man is not about what he lacks from his wife but about what he lacks in himself and that is satisfaction and commitment. He says to the other lady she's the wife he never had. What stopped him from picking the lady? Now he is longing for the greener grass on the other side. When you pick a wife it is assumed you made a conscious choice to live with her, to say to another woman you are the wife I never had means you don't believe in your own choice. That has nothing to do with the person you chose but everything to do with you.

He should examine his desires and remember why he made his choice unless of course he was not being real when he chose her then he should recall the things that informed his choice.

@ mutter

A marriage is based on trust and respect. You have to respect your husband and trust him enough not to snoop after him. How can you respect someone or have regard for him if you have to invade his privacy and snoop after him.

Response: obviously I don't trust him. Twice he cheated don't want to bother myself with d rem he told me about.


@ Poster I have seen loads of women in my life who brag outside and at home are crawling on their knees. As I said, don`t be deceived! Most women take real hard stuff at home and come outside to act like they are in control.[/quote]

Response: am not deceived am sure u fit d above quote perfectly

lifenocks:
@ mutter
A marriage is based on trust and respect. You have to respect your husband and trust him enough not to snoop after him. How can you respect someone or have regard for him if you have to invade his privacy and snoop after him.
Response: obviously I don't trust him. Twice he cheated don't want to bother myself with d rem he told me about.
@ Poster I have seen loads of women in my life who brag outside and at home are crawling on their knees. As I said, don`t be deceived! Most women take real hard stuff at home and come outside to act like they are in control.
Response: am not deceived am sure u fit d above quote perfectly

Believe what makes you happy... yawns!

coogar:


you really believe a man that hasn't cheated ever before would suddenly become a serial cheat after marriage? where did he quickly learn how to cheat?

from what the OP has said, this dude is an unrepentant serial cheat. he has confessed to it several times & the OP herself has caught him twice on her own. this cheating business has been going on for long - it didn't start with the text message.

I'm just saying maybe she didn't know before marrying him.
And even if she knew,we can blame her for opening her eyes to marry a confirmed serial cheat but we can in no way say that the man's cheating is as a result of something she's not doing right like mutter is trying to make her believe.
That is beyond absurd.

If the man's problem is that his wife doesn't give him that thing that he needs to have to remain faithful,he could have stuck to the First Lady he cheated with that gave it to him but no,he went ahead to cheat with more and more women, Yet somehow it is not his fault.
All the women he's been having have not been able to give him that elusive thing he's looking for.

When will we stop making excuses for bad behavior?

Wendy80:

The Nigerian Man isn't polygamous biko. I disagree. Don't generalise. That's how women excuse their husband's cheating Nature.

the Nigerian man is not a homo sapien sapien. He belongs to a different species of organisms different from other men of other races.


We also forget that Nigerian women have a high potential of being promiscuous too. What does that make us? Polyandrous in nature?
if only we can stop excusing bad behavior.

cococandy:
I'm just saying maybe she didn't know before marrying him. And even if she knew,we can blame her for opening her eyes to marry a confirmed serial cheat but we can in no way say that the man's cheating is as a result of something she's not doing right like mutter is trying to make her believe.
That is beyond absurd.

maybe she didn't know?
maybe i dunno it's wrong to drive under the influence. maybe i dunno it's wrong to shäg a minor. maybe i dunno it's wrong to stick grams of heroin in my belly on my way to thailand. you cannot hinge critical life decisions on "maybe she didn't know"

in this day & age, a woman must know. if she's not sure, she should not get married. if she gets married without proper checks, it's her own fault & she shouldn't really be complaining. can i marry a blind woman & later complain my wife cannot see?

If the man's problem is that his wife doesn't give him that thing that he needs to have to remain faithful,he could have stuck to the First Lady he cheated with that gave it to him but no,he went ahead to cheat with more and more women, Yet somehow it is not his fault.
All the women he's been having have not been able to give him that elusive thing he's looking for.

When will we stop making excuses for bad behavior?

the man's problem could be more deep-rooted. perhaps he never loved the OP. one mistake is enough to jolt most men back to reality.

even if they still go ahead to cheat, they won't be caught so easily by leaving sassy messages on their phones. this man is cheating & he doesn't care if his infidelity is discovered or not.

cococandy:
I'm just saying maybe she didn't know before marrying him.
And even if she knew,we can blame her for opening her eyes to marry a confirmed serial cheat but we can in no way say that the man's cheating is as a result of something she's not doing right like mutter is trying to make her believe.
That is beyond absurd.

If the man's problem is that his wife doesn't give him that thing that he needs to have to remain faithful,he could have stuck to the First Lady he cheated with that gave it to him but no,he went ahead to cheat with more and more women, Yet somehow it is not his fault.
All the women he's been having have not been able to give him that elusive thing he's looking for[b].

When will we stop making excuses for bad behavior?[/b]

This is not a bad behavior. But its our culture. All men are polygamous in nature.

You are a wife I never had. What an insult. All to get a punny or what. Why would a man make such an expensive joke.

Chillisauce:

This is not a bad behavior. But its our culture. All men are polygamous in nature.

You are a wife I never had. What an insult. All to get a punny or what. Why would a man make such an expensive joke.

much ado about nothing...
he's just making the head of the other woman swell. maybe he just borrowed some money from her.

First it is possible for some people to hide their bad traits very well until the knot Is tied.
He could have been head over heels in love with her when they met and didn't cheat on her all thru' their courtship. That is more than possible. Some people know how to be faithful when they are in a new relationship and keep it that way leaving the partner to think that they are the faithful type. But when the novelty wears off and the relationship gets comfortable and familiar,they get bored and begin to wander. So pls don't judge people who are married to cheats because some of them never saw that side until long after the marriage.


That said,

Where you're going is not where I am going . Do you believe the man is cheating because of something his wife is not doing right?
That's the only reason why I quoted mutter in the first place.

coogar:


maybe she didn't know?
maybe i dunno it's wrong to drive under the influence. maybe i dunno it's wrong to shäg a minor. maybe i dunno it's wrong to stick grams of heroin in my belly on my way to thailand. you cannot hinge critical life decisions on "maybe she didn't know"

in this day & age, a woman must know. if she's not sure, she should not get married. if she gets married without proper checks, it's her own fault & she shouldn't really be complaining. can i marry a blind woman & later complain my wife cannot see?



the man's problem could be more deep-rooted. perhaps he never loved the OP. one mistake is enough to jolt most men back to reality.

even if they still go ahead to cheat, they won't be caught so easily by leaving sassy messages on their phones. this man is cheating & he doesn't care if his infidelity is discovered or not.

Chillisauce:


This is not a bad behavior. But its our culture. All men are polygamous in nature.

You are a wife I never had. What an insult. All to get a punny or what. Why would a man make such an expensive joke.

the literary translation is :my wife is not as good as you . I regret marrying her. you're the one I should have married

Na this kind statement dey make mistress get boldness to enter your house and expect you to prepare dinner for her and your husband while they are in the room making a step child for your children.

OP I'm heartbroken on your behalf

cococandy:
First it is possible for some people to hide their bad traits very well until the knot Is tied.
He could have been head over heels in love with her when they met and didn't cheat on her all thru' their courtship. That is more than possible. Some people know how to be faithful when they are in a new relationship and keep it that way leaving the partner to think that they are the faithful type. But when the novelty wears off and the relationship gets comfortable and familiar,they get bored and begin to wander. So pls don't judge people who are married to cheats because some of them never saw that side until long after the marriage.

so whose fault is it that they never saw the cheating side of their spouses? in this day & age of internet - is this a tenable excuse?

That said,

Where you're going is not where I am going . Do you believe the man is cheating because of something his wife is not doing right?
That's the only reason why I quoted mutter in the first place.

it could be that & it could be that plus other reasons. the truth is when most men complain twice about something they don't like in a partner and there's no considerable effort from the partner to change, he might stray & stop complaining.

in his church mind, more complaints would lead to more arguments & more squabs. men are risk takers - he would cheat by the side & not bother again about the attitude he doesn't like in his wife. it's a common theme in men.