“junior, how we go do na? I dey hungry”

“na me hungry pass you sef?”

“you dey owe Angela any money?” I asked.

“I no dey owe her oh”

“that one mean say na your turn to go collect something for credit”

Owing Angela was done based on the how free of dept any of us was. That made me remembered Nkechi from back then, L101 etcetera.

I wished we could practice L101 on Angela, I just wished.


“Flow, you no go go watch match” Someone said.

“oooh, na true oh, Man U and Liverpool get match abi? E don start?”

“yes na, make we go watch na” Nnenna said.

Nnenna was the first female I had seen with so much interest in football, and she was indeed a very excellent pundit i must say.

“Omoh!! I want make Liverpool win this match oh” Nnenna said.

“win wetin?”

“wait oh, Nnenna, I no get money to pay to watch he ball oh!” I informed.

“no sorry I go pay for you”, She replied, “shebi you know say them no dey collect money for woman hand to watch ball for Goldberg, so I hold hundred naira here, I go use am pay for you”, That was kind of her, because as a die hard Manchester United fan, I needed not to miss that match.


“but nawa oh! Nnenna, which kin bomb shot you wear like this, you want make people leave match wey them dey watch dey begin watch your n'yash?” And to make matters worse, she carried the kind of a’ss I would rather call “Olu gbajie boys”


To none Igbos, “Olu Gbajie boys” literally means let the neck of lookers break.

Her a’ss really ached my neck as I stared. “how Nnenna take dey carry this thing sef? E no dey heavy her?”

Even though it was heavy for her to carry, she still carried it, and she had been carry such bondage for close to 25 years or so, cos i was sure she came out of her mother's womb that way. Her "heavy duty" was her greatest asset, owing to the fact that every other part of her body was ugly; especially the oranges; i mean the b'reast.





“Flow!! Why you dey waka for my back na?” Nnenna asked as we moved on.

“nothing oh”

“you are lying, you are looking at my n’yash abi?”

“I am looking at it? I am not looking at it oh”

“you are lying” She hissed, “I have given it to you severally in a platter of Gold, but you rejected”

That was true, she had s'educed me severally, but I refused falling, not because I was scared, but because something in me kept telling me not to "do".






As we passed a corner, I saw a church member of mine walking towards us.

Then; “Flow stop looking at my b’om-bom oh!!” Nnenna yelled.

“ok, I have heard you” I looked down but still I was taking few glimpse.


I looked up and saw that my church member was close, so I whistled innocently.


“Flow!! Stop looking at my……………” Nnenna yelled.

“shhhh! Stop shouting that person that is coming is my church member”

“ehen! So because your church member is coming, you want to pretend abi?”

“me pretend?”

I looked again and saw the pastor’s son ran towards the other guy and they hastened their steps.



Nnenna was all of a sudden mute and I thought that was all from her end.


“brother Peter, how are you today?” The pastor’s son asked.

“why didn’t we see you in church today” the other guy asked.

“I am very sorry,I traveled, I returned from Owerri this afternoon” I lied.

“ok, so will you be coming to house fellowship this evening?” Emmanuel the Pastor’s son asked.

“yeah!! Why not”


Nnenna standing by my left side giggled suddenly, and i tapped her to behave herself. It was a mistake that where i tapped was her precious asset; her a'ss.


“ehnnn!! Sorry! My bad! Meet my younger sister, her name is Lynda” I lied.


To take a wink took too long a time before Nnenna “lose guarded”






“make una no mind am oh, I no be him sister oh!”

“and he did not travel to anywhere, he was at home drinking beer with his brother”

“is he your church member?" She waited for response from my brethren, "And he was busy staring at my a’ss as I walked in front of him”








Oh gracious!!!!







My eyes spun.

My lips dried.

My voice seized.

My heartbeat pursed.









As my church members giggled and left, My ears were the only organ functioning in my body, so I was able to hear Emmanuel said; “brother Peter we hope to see you in house fellowship this evening”




Nnenna walked to the front laughing while I stood still like a statue.


“you i'diot!!” I chased after her.

She ran for her dear life into a compound and I ran after her.



But as I dashed in, two dogs chased after me, so I dashed back out.











The dogs were really closing in on me and I wasn’t finding it funny at all.




Some on-lookers laughed so hard like I was Charlie Chaplin.


Charlie Chaplin could run faster because at that moment my pace was diminishing because my legs were failing me.






But as I crossed the road, tragedy saved me from a bite. And i thanked my lucky star for that.



As the First dog tried crossing after me, a car screeched and crushed it dead.



The other dog stopped abruptly because it was thinking straight unlike it's dead colleague . Or so I thought.







Few minutes later

I saw some Akwa ibomites hovered around the dead dog.






I pursed and it occurred to me that I like the Akwa Ibomites had meat to devour.

how far for una vote?

una no dey vote again?

Well well well,mr flow,nice 2 catch up on u at last.I bumped into ur story"Man wey dey reason" some weeks ago.by den,u had already started posting dis story"flow and Snow".I speedily read up Man wey dey reason and ibo boy wey like yoruba in order 2 catch d live updates on dis one.I've bin a silent reader since bt today,I decided to say something since I've achieved my aim.u are an exceptional writer,really gifted n endowed with rear talents.even tho Man wey dey reason was my favourite so far,yet all ur stories are really great.keep it up.what I like most abt u is dat;1-u are natural.u no dey form at all.u talk abt shits n farts anyhow wch(tho it may be disgusting sometimes),is being real.some people try to hide such details as if they no dey do am.2-u don't pretend.u say how it is.crimes u've committed(being a cultist,chronic weed smoker n heavy drinker,sleeping wit a minor,ie kehinde in ibo boy wey like yoruba,L101/L102,sugar boy business,blackmailing,etc).I must confess dat u are truly a honest person n it's likely dat ur future wife will av no dirty secrets to worry abt becos u wld av told her everytin.u don't cover up or conceal things.I like plain and open-minded people like u,tho I don't support immorality but I hypocrites who lie about their pasts.all in all,BIG BIG ups to u.massive respect.I'm following up on ur stories bumper-to-bumper.pls I'll like to ask u someThing.while I went thru d 1st 2 posts of Man wey dey reason,I recognise it instantly.I've seen d story on a blog on my fb sometimes last year.I won't want to mention d name d blogger here but what I want to know is if u are aware of it?did u at one time give a blogger d permission to publish it on fb?or is it a case of plagiariasm?above all,keep up d gud work.

@cho25bc are u in other words advising him to stop writing and start searching to know if a blogger is copying dis one?or don't u know that that's where u are driving at? Abeg we are enjoying dis story especially mua,biko

I only asked an innocent question na.I'm not implying anything like dat.I was only confused.

Ndukings92:
@cho25bc are u in other words advising him to stop writing and start searching to know if a blogger is copying dis one?or don't u know that that's where u are driving at? Abeg we are enjoying dis story especially mua,biko

Flow nwanne.... Kip up wit the gud works

Flow1759, please go through this thread: www.nairaland.com/2120260/dealing-plagiarism-nairaland-stories-rogue

Next time if you want to mouth off, please ensure you know what the Bleep you're talking about.

cho25bc:
I only asked an innocent question na.I'm not implying anything like dat.I was only confused.

am not harsh my dear,just that flow nwanne us d reason am here.don't be offended o.

cho25bc:
I only asked an innocent question na.I'm not implying anything like dat.I was only confused.

am not harsh my dear,just that flow nwanne is d reason am here.don't be offended o.

Ishilove:
Flow1759, please go through this thread: www.nairaland.com/2120260/dealing-plagiarism-nairaland-stories-rogue

Next time if you want to mouth off, please ensure you know what the Bleep you're talking about.

. Ishilove,d matter no concern me o,but dnt u think u sounded harsh knowing the fact that u were once a floor member n a great friend to our brother.biko jiriya nwaayo

waistaa:
. Ishilove,d matter no concern me o,but dnt u think u sounded harsh knowing the fact that u were once a floor member n a great friend to our brother.biko jiriya nwaayo

Her problem has always been that. She is too proud and spiced with being harsh.

Ishilove:
Flow1759, please go through this thread: www.nairaland.com/2120260/dealing-plagiarism-nairaland-stories-rogue

Next time if you want to mouth off, please ensure you know what the Bleep you're talking about.

A moderator typing the "F" word. You can imagine.

flow1759:



Her problem has always been that. She is too proud and spiced with being harsh.

I hear ya

waistaa:
. Ishilove,d matter no concern me o,but dnt u think u sounded harsh knowing the fact that u were once a floor member n a great friend to our brother.biko jiriya nwaayo

Yeah, and that's why like a friend i used the 'F' word on him because he doesn't know how to talk. I hid his comments, that's why you can't see what he wrote that prompted the 'harshness' of my tone.

Ishilove:

I hear ya

Thank you.


BTW I thought by now you should be winning and dinning with the likes of Chinamada Adichie and Wole Shoyinka.

How market?

Ishilove:

Yeah, and that's why like a friend i used the 'F' word on him because he doesn't know how to talk. I hid his comments, that's why you can't see what he wrote that prompted the 'harshness' of my tone.

You can as well hide the "F" word too.

flow1759:

Thank you.
BTW I thought by now, you should be winning and dinning with the likes of Chinamada Adichie and Wole Shoyinka.
How market?

instead of u to update-_-

Ishilove:

Yeah, and that's why like a friend i used the 'F' word on him because he doesn't know how to talk. I hid his comments, that's why you can't see what he wrote that prompted the 'harshness' of my tone.

...oya ndo,flow ozugo,ka udo diri.

dtyla:
instead of u to update-_-

I will do that, i have been doing that and i can not fail now, even though there are copying my work and the moderators that are supposed to be at the helm of affairs here are just suggesting how to fight literature thieves, just suggestions?

flow1759:



You can as well hide the "F" word too.

Ain't gonna happen, bob.

Please enough derailing.

Cheers.

waistaa:
...oya ndo,flow ozugo,ka udo diri.

Tanku

Ishilove:

Tanku

you are welcome

Flow and Ishilove,u guys just love to hate urselfs,if God destined both of u to be one,i wonda how house go be ^_^

dtyla:
Flow and Ishilove,u guys just love to hate urselfs,if God destined both of u to be one,i wonda how house go be ^_^

Best couple, i don tell her make we run things, she no gree.

flow1759:



I will do that, i have been doing that and i can not fail now, even though there are copying my work and the moderators that are supposed to be at the helm of affairs here are just suggesting how to fight literature thieves, just suggestions?

well its nt easy being a leader,cuz even tho he/she is tryin is best one might not knw just like our president,but i luv it wen u two blast each other its just sensational.

Make una no vex say i no update yesterday oh.

Today update go make brain die

flow1759:


Best couple, i don tell her make we run things, she no gree.

my guy just havard go study English she go gree once u come back ni

dtyla:
my guy just havard go study English she go gree once u come back ni

Ok make i go fill harvard form.

But i no get money for school fees oh. You go pay for me?

There was a barber’s shop know as Godwin barber’s shop.

In Godwin barber’s shop, so many things happened.


It was in Godwin Barber’s shop that a guy George kept the clothes from his open field boutique a.k.a “Bend down select” and his clothes were stolen almost every day for two weeks.


“Goerge! Look for the cloth well, nobody dey thief for here!” Godwin the barber said.

“I don look for am well well na”

“and that cloth no be any how price i buy am, e cost well well oh”


Truth be told, all his clothes were above average in price, he was so “igbo” in sales that he fought so hard to sell at exorbitant prices that were indeed cut throat, even to us his friends.




“I know who thief the cloth, na Fix something!” He said. If the guy named “Fix something”were to be there present, he wouldn’t had said that, otherwise something would had been fixed on his head; maybe a plank, or an iron r’od, or both.





Nwaba a.k.a Fix something has been fixing something since 1902 up until this moment. When we reach there, I go tell una about this funny fellow.


“Fix something no go fit thief your cloth, check well well” Godwin assured.

“oboy I don check, one white shirt dey miss”

“you sure say you never sell am?” I was concerned.

“I never sell am jor, Fix something don thief am, make I call am”



Why he strongly believed it was Fix something that stole the shirt was because Fix something had already dent his image by stealing.

From day one up until this moment I type, no one, and I repeat, no one had ever ever stolen anything, not to talk of a phone from Godwin’s barber’s shop even though the number of phones charged there every night was uncountable, save the day Fix something stole the phone of his “once upon a time” friend George.



George and Fix something’s case could be likened to the case of Tupac and Biggie, not until one Jane came into Fix something’s life and it all changed.


Fix something was in love with this provision store attendant Jane. Jane was his all in all, He slept, talked, and ate Jane.

And yes, his eating was based on the things Jane stole from her mother’s provision store and gave to him.

All was going well with Jane and Fix something………….

Until one day




Jane had told Fix something that she will be coming to his house to cook vegetable soup, and since Jane was with his spare key, he told her to go that he would be with her in few minutes time, little did he know that his g’igolo friend George who also had his spare key was in his house sleeping.



According to what Fix something told us, he said his girlfriend got home and knocked on the door that was closed from inside, and to her surprise, George opened the door, and she entered.

She went straight to the kitchen to prepare the vegetable soup, little did she know that vegetable soup will be prepared on her body that afternoon.

As she always did, she took off her clothes and tied wrapper, just wrapper.


In front of Jane was two heavy GP tanks, and we one day noticed that one was bigger than the other; The left was bigger than the right by some circumference. **Ladies reading, wetin dey cause that thing? Because Godwin told me it was due to the fact that she drank too much Vanilla Ice cream,and i somehow believed, shey na true?***








As she cooked in the kitchen, George was making plans. Wicked plans.


Next, he started carrying out his plan.

Unlike him, he went to Big Mama's mini filling station to buy Fuel to put on Fix something’s Generator.


When the generator was on, his next plan was to put on the home theater sound system to the last but one highest volume playing rap music.


Next, he wore just boxers. And last but not the least, he called Jane that was busy in the kitchen to come help him fetch the TV remote that was not far from were he lied on the bed.


Jane, instead of asking if he had suddenly turned crippled just helped him fetch it innocently.






And so it happened that he grabbed her firmly, and as the r’ape school will have it, he did it with no fear of someone hearing her screamed for help because the sound system was at its maximum volume.






What insult it is to r’ape a man’s girlfriend in his own house. If you think say I dey lie ask Man, I mean Man wey dey reason.


Man wey dey reason had once told me a story of how he was almost “Shariad” in Sokoto because he r’aped the daughter of a traditional ruler right in the palace.

“na make them no Sharia me nahim make me run from Sokoto enter Imo state oh” He will always say.







George!! Even though he was married, his etching “third leg” still longed for where it could be inserted into, even it be a Goat, a USB port or an under aged.

I will never forget him being imprisoned for r’aping an eleven year old.














Fix something, after fixing two bottles on George’s head for r'aping his girlfreind, warned him never to cross his part.





Since the r’ape case, everybody hated George, but not me.

Don’t get it twisted, not that I am advocating for r’ape to be legalized. Few months after the r’ape case, my friend George changed, he turned a new leaf, and stem too.





He bought a car and started shuttling Taxi, and most times, he carried me for free plus he always gave me some money that could take me to wherever I was going to if it be far.


73 percent of the time he carried me in his car, I ended up pushing the jalopy when it stopped.

George answered a car owner, why not?



A car owner of a car he bought 45,000 naira.

No jokes, George bought his jalopy from his landlord at the rate of 44,500 naira, approximately 45,000 naira because he bought two bottles of Seventeen Fifty Nine for me as a witness.













“I don call am, him say him dey come now!” George said.


Few minutes and I saw Fix something coming from a far with his both hands in his side pockets as usual.

The legendary “Fix something” nickname was as a result of the fact that he always greeted a gathering saying; “how una dey? Una dey fix something?”, and most importantly as a result of the fact that his both hands were always in his side pockets.

Why were his hands always in his pockets? Did I hear you ask?



His hands were always in his both pockets because it always contained groundnut, peeled maize, peanut, popcorn or sand. Of which we later discovered that there was always sand in one of his side pockets, and either groundnut, peeled maize, peanut, popcorn or biscuit on the other.



Fix something was so stingy a fellow that he couldn’t part with as little as few grains of maize.

Like a Goat, he was always chewing.

“wetin you dey chop?” Was a question that always got a response that sounded like this; “mehn! person don poor sotey na sand-sand man pekin dey chop now” and he showed the one that asked a handful of sand from his pocket.





My Aba brothers, am sorry for this.

Legend has it that the most stingy set of humans on earth are from Aba followed by Ijebu Ode. At least I have met a couple of friends from Aba that proves this to be true.



Fix something was so stingy that parting with a grain of whatever he chewed to any of his friends was herculean, and to a make matters worse, his chewing was so inviting for a beg. And I hated him for that.


Yet I loved him so much so that whenever I saw him coming, some kind of happiness just aroused from nowhere. Maybe it was due to the fact that he was the funniest amongst us all, or because mare looking at him could make the gloomiest smile. Or maybe it was because of his famous “how una dey? Una dey fix something?” Cliché.





“how una dey? Una dey fix something?” He shook us all as we stood outside arguing football.

“George dey look for you oh, him dey inside” Snow said.

“wetin make him dey look for me? him wan fix me something?”

“when you reach there, you go know wetin him wan fix you” I said remembering Man.



Something was indeed fix, and that thing was Fix something’s jaw.

His sloppy jaw was fixed with two hot slaps.

Then they started fighting.


Next we all fled to different directions including Godwin that owned the shop they were fighting in.

There was a rule we at Godwin’s barber’s shop surely obeyed to the latter, and that rule was: “no separating of fight, even if the two fighting wan kill them self”

And instead of the two fighting to kill themselves in our presence, we all fled leaving them to fight till they are saturated. By then, “na them go advise themsef make them stop the fight”

Such draconian rule!! I hear you say.


The rule was stated when two that fought one night started attacking those that separated them for ever separating them, and also due to the fact that at the end, the winner is known by the number of bruises the loser suffered, and respect followed.




The rule was brought to book November 14th when Snow and Bush shaker fought. That day I will never forget.