iice:

I wasn't going to come back here but i just had to clarify something.
Just because someone happens to achieve closure by himself/herself, does not mean the person was not really in love.
Just because they are not balling their eyes out and pressing for closure from the other person does not mean they were never in love.

tope2000:

Heheheheheehe . . . . look at these guys o
U r shocked because . . . . . . .  

topup:


Overall, whether anyone agrees or disagrees, I still believe it does a person a lot of good to know where they've gone wrong in life, this allows them to improve themselves, and it's a method of feedback as we are not all perfect. . .

topup:
. . .I would say that if anyone wants to break up with me, they can do whatever they like, as long as they tell me that they are:
- Breaking up with me (surprisingly, a lot of people just up and leave or distance themselves),
- Tell me a general overview of why (as if I'm supposed to just accept that they no longer feel the same way, and move on, it's not that easy!!) . . .

. . . This way I won't be wondering: a) if they truly have broken up with me (then wanting to call to make sure, or asking his friends or family (classic stalker signs - they say!) AND b) if there is/was anything I could have done to save the relationship (since I didn't want or expect it to end at that moment in time)

topup:

he finally got to the end of his tether and broke things off. Now can you blame me? 

topup:
I would also like to outline that yes, if we are talking about the longevity of a relationship, then yes, it can be seen as my fault why the relationship ended;
1) I broke it off.

topup:

Wow I am shocked by the responses, and I will disect them as follows lol (I'm ready for ya!!!)
. . . you did mention that you did not know the dynamics of the relationship. Well, more info? > > 1 single month into the relationship, the guy calls, crying on the phone, 'We need to talk' Of course I am freaked out but I am a rational human being who knows that sometimes people can be overwhelmed by emotions and don't rush to judge him. I am sleeping by the way and he calls and suddenly starts proposing plans for the future, for us, how he has never felt this way before. Then about a month later he is barely calling. I have seen it before, withdrawal, I knew something was bugging him, so I initially started sending texts, I prayed for him, I carried out all the visits to his place, and because his withdrawal coincided with his exams I gave him some space, he'd text once every 3 or so days, with a distant, 'Hope your ok xx' and I'd respond immediately reassuring him 'Yeah, just keep working hard, don't worry about me.' A male friend even told me that I needed to shout at him, but I protected this guy, because I gave him the benefit of doubt that he was going through some major things.

After the exams, he promised to be the boyfriend he was before, and said he'd take me out, he never did, and I never complained (I sold myself so short during this relationship, you would not believe people!!) Eventually after another 2 weeks of what I could barely call a relationship, he called and I finally plucked up the courage to ask why he was so 'busy', even his friends were asking me where he was and asking me to pass on messages, but he became defensive.

A month later, he was almost back to himself and he told me he loved me.
A week after that he was barely talking to me again (now tell me I'm the one who's freaking him out). Then I initiated a talk, because I could take it no longer, and he told me, we were drifting apart, and I knew it was over then, so I broke it off.

Now, I'm sure you can't blame me if I say that the blame was in his direction, inability to communicate whatever he was going through, and inability to deal with the situation himself. What a man!

topup:
. . .Anyways, I don't believe that closure isn't the way forward, as I have stated, I believe everyone should know what's up, whether it is a shortened version, a detailed analysis, or just a heads up. A disappearing act is NOT acceptable. . .

topup:
The only thing is my ex told me that 'I don't think I can commit to you.' (his words), now I could change that to mean. . 'Damn, gurl, you're just too much woman for me to handle.' or 'I went soul searching and I realised that I am no match for you.' lol. But let's be realistic, it basically means that nothing in me, my persona or whatever has convinced him to want to stick with me, this doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a terrible girlfriend, it just means we're not suited, as I am no longer making an impact on him. There's really no other way to it unfortunately.

topup:


Apart from Adam Brody, are there any other examples of women acting crazy?

topup:

If only I knew what the effect of the breakup was.
I think what's not allowing me to get closure for myself might even be this forum, lol, this is where I ramble about my silliest, deepest and craziest ideas and thoughts. . .

topup:

I mean I understand that closure is relative depending on what you expect to hear, what you want to hear and what you actually hear.
I guess I can see why seeking closure can be a bad idea.

Sisi Jinx:

Topup
You have a good head on your shoulder, trust it!

Sisi Jinx:

. . . He broke up with you, you expect him to give you a detailed manifesto on the whys, hows, and whens and until he does, you don't want to move on.

Quite frankly, it seems it's not about him not giving you want you want anymore. . . it is about you needing an excuse to dwell on what is done. I'm sorry to say this but your innate need to be validated by this guy is why you aren't getting any closure.

Why not use his thoughtlessness for not giving you a "legitimate" reason for the break up as closure, A sort of good riddance to bad rubbish thing?

I say wash your hands off the whole sordid affair, pat yourself on the back and I know you are better off!

Sisi Jinx:

See that's the thing with me. . . I am a talker. I talk, I talk I talk!

Once I've chosen to be in a relationship with someone. . . I let it out.

I only stop talking if I feel he is not interested or he doesn't care to know (at that point the dynamics of our relationship changes but that's another topic)

Most people can't open up because they fear they will be mocked or it would be used against them or it would send the guy running for the hills, which begs the question. . . why would any one choose to give themselves to someone in the most intimate way (not sex ooh, I mean your heart) if you can't trust them with it and why won't you want to find out early in the realtionship of you can trust them in the most intimate way? Me. . . I want to know now before we get in too deep.

bluespice:

. . .do u then want to endure more hurt in sitting down n talking over what went wrong and who did what wrong??
i know u really don't like my stance on the quest for closure (and i know this topic is long dead) but i just wish u'll see reasons with us (those with like stances on closure) that ur being certan of the fact that u did nothing absolutely wrong should be closure enough
okay u really don't need to reply just wanted to say that

iice:


. . .The pain will never go away, it is something i am prepared for. . . if i were to give up the search it doesn't mean i am over the pain. . . It's not about redirecting pain. It's about survival - that's the half the battle. Survive the trauma first then think about surviving the pain and loss, then start surviving day to day and memories. What is not seen by others is usually more painful to grasp. How we do our internal battles just varies. So if nothing i do brings back the person? What next to do? More pushing? More prodding? The withering or coming to terms with it, are choices. If there are other choices, all the better.

I don't think you cry at night Topup. I know you have gotten over the immediate pain of the break up. The effect of the break up in the long term i don't know
[color=#9900ff][/color]

H2O2:

rolmgbosa

Busy_body:

Maybe, just maybe this was the reason why Olanajim rightly asserted that you were part of the problem and the reason why iice was talking about neon signs. Common girl, the dude started messing up one month into the relationship, and you are here comparing it to Madeleine's case What if you dated him for 3 years What if you married him


The dude gave you a shortened version that;
Stop being unfair on the poor guy and stop painting him in a bad light Hello . . . Coffee . . . smell . . . wakeup . . . For pete's sake, the dude gave you something to work with, he told you he could not commit to you Now over to you to do the analysing, Sherlock Holmes ain't got a patch on you, sisthren



Err, yes, you Top-up


This forum needs you as our agony aunty


Phew, finally, thats more like it

topup:


I know that in this reply and the one above you were being jester and trying to lighten things up, but I actually am slightly. . a teeny bit offended. I have seen that tactic before, the whole quoting out of context. Within context it is clear to see that what has taken place on these last 14 pages is a discussion. A discussion which some people have changed their original stances and not just me. I don't feel targetted at all and I know there was no harm intended, but this is why I feel like getting closure and reassurance, because way too often people want to push their opinions on you, and as I argued strongly I will continue to argue that I believe closure is a valuable tool.

My initial point was that I have heard a surprising number of guys tell me their exs are crazy because they continue to call, but some guys just don't tidy up after themselves. I think we have been too easy on these guys (not all guys are like this I know. . yah yah). Now, instead of us pointing out the childlike behaviour in a 'man' who runs away from his problems, we are attacking each other, and then instead of the guy letting the girl know what's up, he just avoids confrontation, which is the MAIN issue, it's not because he has decided there is nothing to say, there is ALWAYS something to say, even when it's as simple as saying "I have nothing to say." If you can't deal all that comes with a relationship, stay out of them!
I have decided to no longer concern myself with the closure subject, and would much rather discuss what I set out to discuss. I don't want it to become personal because it has taken me almost 7 months to try and reasses who's fault things were, whether it was his or mine, or whatever, and I had to go through all of this crap because I didn't know what happened. Left stunned, just because someone says to you that they can't commit to you doesn't mean you understand what you did wrong, what went wrong or what happened! I think I will go back to my old method of not telling NLs my personal problems and woes, because I have found that in my time of vulnerability is when people will be pointing fingers. I mean who do you think is more hurt? The girl who's first love just ditched her after grooming her into a false sense of love AND commitment, who's even here on NL still talking about it or the guy who's moved on? *This is the part where I get the speech about moving on, because it's practically the easiest thing to do! (sarcasm)I've been doing that for 7 months and am usually fine until I read '*, and I am supposed to believe that It wasn't my fault as some have tried to tell me?

All I can hear is 'topup, you are part of the problem because you did somethings which might have caused the relationship to end, you don't know what they are, and you shouldn't want to, because it might not be what you want to hear or make a lot of difference. You are still a wonderful person nonetheless and no one should make you feel like you're not, even when they treated you like you were worse than crap, now you should pick up your pride off the floor and carry on walking, and when you've managed that, never wish to speak to him, because that is scary just move on because he has.' - Fabulous! It's that good ol' practical advice again!

Anyways, before I start going too far, I think it's going to have to end here. You guys have made your points clear, I won't speak about my personal life anymore, I'll keep shut and offer my advice. Got it!!

Scenario:

A friend who's current boyfriend told her to ignore calls on his mobile from a girl named X, because X was a girl who you know was . . 'crazy' and couldn't get over him. Well, she couldn't leave it and when she found out the truth she realised that the 'man' she was dating was an irresponsible boy. It turned out that the girl who called the 27 year old b/f of this girl was only 18 and he had told her that he wanted to be together with her. . forever, but after she lost her virginity to him, he broke it off, he initially acted all different with her and then eventually admitted that he wasn't into her anymore and left. She then tried to contact him initially to get him back, but then after he ignored her for months and months, she forgave him and now wanted to call just to ask some questions that were still lingering in her mind, I mean she thought; "How could someone do this to someone unless the girl had some problems." One time though during the heat of the breakup he had begged her to stay friends with him. So now that she was a lot less sore, she calls about 3 months later and he doesn't pick her calls, so she tries again. "Oh maybe he's changed his phone." She tries twice more, not knowing that when she's calling the same guy is telling his current girlfriend that the girl calling just won't leave him alone.

Scenario over.

Okay. . so what does everyone think about that scenario? Is she crazy?

Busy_body:


At the same time, as a Gemini

Sisi Jinx:




You jokin'. . .  I am Gemini too!!

Oh boy, I bet Doyin is going right about now!!

JJYOU:

sisi and TOPUP. what is reding?

Busy_body:

For real, wow, I'm impressed and my head is starting to swell sef, would love
to be brilliant and versatile like you I popped out on the 31st of May, how about you

*Toyinrayo:

OMGGGGGGGGG, I'm Gemini too I popped on Feb

Guysssss, we rock


Busy body, you're next o, make u show picshur

*Toyinrayo:

OMGGGGGGGGG, I'm Gemini too I popped on Feb

Guysssss, we rock


Busy body, you're next o, make u show picshur

Sisi Jinx:

My teacher!! My Mentor! The one I aspire to be like when I'm all growed up. . . Mine is 8 days afters yours!!
Rotflmao!!!

Sisi Jinx:

a guy would much rather withdraw or act a jerk and have the girl break up with him than sit her down and starts listing everything that went wrong in the relationship.

Sisi Jinx:

It is only human to want to avoid confrontation and with men, it is even more so. I have brothers who will give me what I want just because they want to avoid the whole drama which ensues from me not getting it. I have guy friends who give in to me just so they don’t have to face whatever mini pretend meltdown I have.  

Sisi Jinx:

Oh by the way, I don’t think we are attacking each other, I think we are having a heated discourse about them nasty guys . . . much like you would with friends over a bottle of sparkling apple cider. Hehehehe.

Busy_body:

Feb 29th right

Busy_body:

Would do before the weekend, I pwomise

*Toyinrayo:

Lol, no

Busy_body:

Being tactful is not a strong forte of mine, I like to call a spade a spade,but you are human and you make mistakes like everyone else because I believe the cliche that honesty is the best policy and truth is bitterI agree!. My mum can't stand me for this, because she always says it is not everything that you see, that you saywhich funnily enough is also what my mum tells me about me and my bluntness, but whilst I am blunt I am also deep and sensitive because I am not made of rock, whilst my friends have accepted me for who I am, that if you want to know the bitter truth, go to Dayo. I have not quoted anything out of context, You did when you said "Common girl, the dude started messing up one month into the relationship, and you are here comparing it to Madeleine's case"[/color]and when you express your concern, you don't expect everyone to hold your hands, and pretend that all is wellNo I don't but my concern never asked anyone to judge me, in fact when I asked questions such as 'so tell me who is wrong there' It was rhetorical, the way I phrase my arguments always lead in one direction, I rarely leave anything open, you need people to call it as it is, as well. At the same time, as a Gemini, I have a very sensitive side too, and have been known to take on bullies such as?on this forum, regardless of their might.
 
Now to serious business, When I saw this thread, https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-215145.0.html and the responses, what came to my mind was "hmmn, Nairalanders and their double standard" Why didn't these people show up in Top-up's thread? And people so easily forget when I was new on the forum and a lot of advice and abuse was hurdled at me, for being slow, for being stupid for being too naive and I should have been stronger, like them, the way the deal with breakups. .Were [b]they scared she would over-analyse their post and make them lose their train of thought? Was it the pink writing? [/b]What I definitely know is that if they had been a bit tougher with your post and been equally brutal with the kick delivered up your backside, maybe you would have moved on. Excuse me? Now I definitely take offence, were you even there 8 months ago? When I came here to vent out my anger and frustration of a relationship that recently ended? Since you weren't you can't comment about how people were to me, I repeat, I am not stupid, even before people have told me, I knew I needed to move on, but there is one thing saying it and another doing it, I have found out that doing it is not as easy as I thought, and I find it easy to do it when I'm speaking to supportive people on Nairaland who are tolerant enough to withstand my whining and confessions.

How many people came on that thread? What was the general consensus? Did you read my reply?

Top-up, some things are just not worth ruminating over, and this is a classic example and if you don't stop and relax and enjoy yourself, it would happen again. How many ways do you have to be told that you do not need validation by a JERK? I never said I needed validation, yes I know I tend to over analyse the situation, but you are painting a coloured picture using black and white crayons, the reason why I want closure is because despite how I get on with normal life and have moved on, there is still a part of me that wants to know what happened. I know who I am, and the funny thing is that despite all you say about me being a good person, it is so obvious you don't fully believe that, because you don't know me, you don't know if I'm a good person, you don't know if I was the full fault of the relationship and you don't know the type of guy I am dealing with, so if I was a terrible person who was the cause of the relationship, I would just listen to your advise 'I'm a great person, move on'. A relationship involves two people and just because I know I'm okay doesn't tell the whole story. Honestly, if you are just trying to ask me to shutup about my ex because you don't want to hear anymore, that would make more sense than this! Why is it so hard to take comfort in this? Because as I said above.Why do you have to worry yourself with the behaviour of an immature childlike man, as you say, why can't you live hard knock life to deal with his arse? No matter how much we castigate this evil, heartless and thoughtless guys, I don't think he's any of those things and dwell on the issue and apportion blame, there is nothing you can do to change these people's attitude, they change if and when they want to.I'm seriously not trying to change anybody lol.

As for waiting for his explanation about why he cannot commit to you, what if he does not have an explanation? Do we do things without reason?What if that was not the main reason? Why don't you take solace in what StephenP said? [/b]Why don't you read the aforementioned thread for responses from the guys in the know? I read the thread and replied, I thought what most people said was useful, and overall there weren't any posts I thought were completely out of line. This is going along with the same assumption that when I arrived @ Nairaland with zero posts that I was welcomed with open arms, and when I told them my 'sob story' people pitied me and didn't tell me the truth, that hurts because all I remember was having to be on constant defence, and at the time I wasn't even asking for him back or advice, I was merely referencing a lot of people's topics back to my personal experience.

With regards to the scenario, [b]methinks the current girlfriend is the crazy one for not challenging the dude's stance over picking up his calls. Yup, and the guy is innocent! (sarcasm)Communication is very important in relationship, you should not have to watch what you say, or hold things back if you are honest with each other. As for girl X, she needs to move on, a mature, considerate guy would tell you whats up, if you press for answers and don't get a response, thats your cue to let you know you are dealing with an insensitive person, why risk them trampling your heart further, by going bunny boiler on their arse What happened to female pride? Yup, girl X will move on after she figures out he's intentionally avoiding her, after he's told his current g/f that she's stalking him, let's actually give girl X a break, let's say she actually is holding part of the bargain, and let's assume the worst for the guy (sorry guys!) the guy's a player, he told girl X some sob story about how confused he was, and how he really wants to be friends with her, so maybe she is the overly nice type who is calling because now that she is finally getting over him she can be friends with him, but now he is ignoring her, and now she moves on, but I'm not saying she has been going over this for a long time, but she certainly has made many attempts to contact him, completely unaware that he had moved on and was playing her.