Sisi Jinx:

Topup, you know me now. . .  I am all for the rah, rah we are women, hear us roar *shake fists in the air* but in this case. . .  I think calling guys on their untidy break up methods is wasted effort, I mean this is not the same thing as calling them out on their bad table manners. So saying we’re letting them off too easy is a bit. . . I don’ know like saying we are not making an effort to move a mountain.

I agree with that, if someone refuses to discuss what happened, you can't force them, I am sure someone mentioned that before. I agreed as much. between, I pray you guys don't think that I did that? In the space of 8 months, I contacted 3 times, and that was because he came to visit me to beg to remain friends, I never called, just casual messages on facebook, which tbh he could have easily ignored, and he did

It is only human to want to avoid confrontation and with men, it is even more so. I have brothers who will give me what I want just because they want to avoid the whole drama which ensues from me not getting it. I have guy friends who give in to me just so they don’t have to face whatever mini pretend meltdown I have.  

We. . . women know this about guys and we have used to our advantages many many times.  So is it the same guy who readily give to minor things just to avoid confrontations we expect to sit down and have a “tidy breakup with up”, a situation which will no doubt lead to tears and recrimination? Come now! Let’s be real here.

Yeah, I think it was slightly more than that, the guy wasn't too fussed about confrontation as after we broke up, he called once more to ask to come over and talk about the relationship, because he was aware that the last discussion left a bad impression of him as I told him it was over and he said nothing. It's all about mixed signals in my case, though I feel a bit foolish to have tried 3 times to at least breech the silence for the sake of friendship *Never again!*

Will it be nice to always have a clean break, with all the reasons laid out in a neat pile, even filed alphabetically or maybe according to seriousness? Of course!! Like you rightfully said, people should have a chance to learn from their mistakes (by the way, this is another thing that bothers me. . . why assume it your mistake? Why assume you were not the best girlfriend? Why assume the reason for the break up lie at your feet?)
However the chances of ever having a neat and tidy break where after it’s done, you are comfortable with the reasons given is very slim. Short of prying it out of their mouths with pliers, you’re not going to get much out of them and there is little or nothing you can do about it and trying to is why a girl is labeled crazy.

THIS Topup is what some of us are trying to relay here. . .  a guy would much rather withdraw or act a jerk and have the girl break up with him than sit her down and starts listing everything that went wrong in the relationship.

Closure is good, closure is healthy but I don’t think you need another person to help you define your closure. I agree with that.

Oh by the way, I don’t think we are attacking each other, I think we are having a heated discourse about them nasty guys . . . much like you would with friends over a bottle of sparkling apple cider. Hehehehe.


Once again, therein lies the problem. . . assigning the fault to the girl. She is not crazy. . . THE GUY IS A JERK, period.

The fact that is a JERK is enough for to have a perfect closure. In my opinion, waiting for them to give us reason for their behavior is like making excuses for them, we don't want to believe he is a jerk, so we leave ourselves open for whatever excuse he gives us. . . even if they are lies. Let his behavior speak for him and not the words out of his mouth.

Another glass of chilled cider?

Hmm. . I know I promised not to speak on this again, but we are now on speaking terms and he called me for closure on a subject, can you believe! He called me to ask why I ignored him after he finally messaged me, I explained frankly (that's how I am) and I asked him why he too ignored me. We didn't speak about the breakup, but I was reassured from what, I do npt know. But, now it is like a forced friendship, I think I should cut things off slowly because he's not adding anything to my life, but what is the general consensus - including Busy_body even though she must think I have personal beef with her by now, but I don't I swear.

topup:

Now, I'm on the extreme defensive because the picture that I am the sorry excuse for a person, that I wallow in self pity, that I call my ex everyday to ask him to come back to me, that I am waiting for him to tell me that I didn't do anything wrong, that I want him to make everything better is making me fed up.

I am so sad that I am getting defensive like this, after all everyone is welcome to their own comments, but I will tell you all ONE thing, to everybody else in the REAL world, nobody apart from my closest buddies knows how vulnerable I get at times, well noone but them and NL, and when I go out, I am a strong confident person. I hate being judged on my moments of weakness, I come here for refuge and I am not saying that you guys are attacking me, you are merely just trying to advice me the best you can. I appreciate that you've all taken the time to contribute to this post, and I admit it was my fault for using a personal example.

I hate feeling pushed into the corner, and I don't feel like I need to start spitting out the words like 'I'm a great person, I'm attractive, because I believe I am.'

Funny thing is no one on here even still knows the full story. No one knows that everytime I tried to move on that he would somehow contact me, and we are even on speaking terms and I have asked some questions. The journey is a lot harder for me than I predicted, I think I made an error by putting in too much of myself into this relationship, more than I initially thought. I am not going to continue with the sob stories but I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone.

Sincerely,
Topup. . the intimidator (apparently).

P.S. @ JJYOU I don't know what redding is either.

Treetop20:

@topup
you really do not have to prove yourself to any of these wankers on this site
seriously you do not

None of us should, but I have to say that I am more than 1000% sure that no harm was intended, I mean please make sure you subject me too to the same measure you do others. I'm not perfect I just have a way with words

In fact I know that my reaction to the word bully, probably distorted how I read the rest of the posts.

If there is anything to be apologised for, I apologise, I don't want anybody here to feel like I've bullied or targetted them, especially you busy_body. This isn't a tactic, this is 100% me, and now I seem "crazy". Great! 

P.S. Thanks H202.

H2O2:

Treetop,

Correct.

That and there is somebody out there drawing some inspiration from her story(ies). 

topup:

but you are human and you make mistakes

topup:

I agree!.

topup:

which funnily enough is also what my mum tells me about me and my bluntness, but whilst I am blunt I am also deep and sensitive because I am not made of rock,

topup:

You did when you said "Common girl, the dude started messing up one month into the relationship, and you are here comparing it to Madeleine's case"[/color]

topup:

No I don't but my concern never asked anyone to judge me, in fact when I asked questions such as 'so tell me who is wrong there' It was retorical, the way I phrase my arguments always lead in one direction, I rarely leave anything open,

topup:

such as?

topup:

And people so easily forget when I was new on the forum and a lot of advice and abuse was hurdled at me, for being slow, for being stupid for being too naive and I should have been stronger, like them, the way the deal with breakups.

topup:

Excuse me? Now I definitely take offence, were you even there 8 months ago?

topup:

When I came here to vent out my anger and frustration of a relationship that recently ended? Since you weren't you can't comment about how people were to me,

topup:

I repeat, I am not stupid,

topup:

even before people have told me, I knew I needed to move on, but there is one thing saying it and another doing it, I have found out that doing it is not as easy as I thought, and I find it easy to do it when I'm speaking to supportive people on Nairaland who are tolerant enough to withstand my whining and confessions.

topup:

Did you read my reply?

topup:

I never said I needed validation,

topup:

yes I know I tend to over analyse the situation, but you are painting a coloured picture using black and white crayons,

topup:

the reason why I want closure is because despite how I get on with normal life and have moved on, there is still a part of me that wants to know what happened.

topup:

I know who I am, and the funny thing is that despite all you say about me being a good person, it is so obvious you don't fully believe that, because you don't know me, you don't know if I'm a good person, you don't know if I was the full fault of the relationship and you don't know the type of guy I am dealing with, so if I was a terrible person who was the cause of the relationship, I would just listen to your advise 'I'm a great person, move on'.

topup:

A relationship involves two people and just because I know I'm okay doesn't tell the whole story.

topup:

Honestly, if you are just trying to ask me to shutup about my ex because you don't want to hear anymore, that would make more sense than this!

topup:

I'm seriously not trying to change anybody lol.

topup:

I read the thread and replied, I thought what most people said was useful, and overall there weren't any posts I thought were completely out of line.

topup:

This is going along with the same assumption that when I arrived @ Nairaland with zero posts that I was welcomed with open arms, and when I told them my 'sob story' people pitied me and didn't tell me the truth, that hurts because all I remember was having to be on constant defence, and at the time I wasn't even asking for him back or advice, I was merely referencing a lot of people's topics back to my personal experience.

topup:

Yup, and the guy is innocent! (sarcasm)

topup:

Hmmm, funny thing is in the topic linked by busy_body https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-215145.0.html I was in the same boat and I am able to stand back and understand better now, though my opinions haven't changed too much.

I think maybe sometimes it's good to have people who will share their weaknesses and equally good to have people who will help to pick you up, and both types of people have posted in this topic.

Nairaland. . hehe, I didn't think I'd still be here, but it's done so much for me I hardly can just disappear. It's the reason why I'm losing sleep, I am sure even Seun's in bed, but I don't mind.

Treetop20:

@topup
you really do not have to prove yourself to any of these wankers on this site
seriously you do not

topup:

None of us should, but I have to say that I am more than 1000% sure that no harm was intended, I mean please make sure you subject me too to the same measure you do others. I'm not perfect I just have a way with words

In fact I know that my reaction to the word bully, probably distorted how I read the rest of the posts.

If there is anything to be apologised for, I apologise, I don't want anybody here to feel like I've bullied or targetted them, especially you busy_body. This isn't a tactic, this is 100% me, and now I seem "crazy". Great!

P.S. Thanks H202.

Busy_body:

Mentioned that I had a sensitive side too, but if need advise, I don't just select the ones that goes with what I want to hear.

^{Biting my tongue} I registered in Feb 2006, if you must know. lol I was not trying to say you are new to the site, I am merely wondering if you did participate in my posts 8 months ago because if you didn't I don't really think you can comment on how people treated me as you wouldn't know.

Even if I wasn't here then, do previous posts disintegrate into thin air? No, and that is why it is unfair to ignore them, focusing on only this thread, and claim that people are being too nice to me, and not telling me the truth. If we read back, I have agreed with a lot of things you guys said, it seems as if we are constantly putting what happened to me and the scenario I put in the first post of this thread in the same boat. I am not that girl in the topic. This crazy issue was actually brought up by a friend. I did not argue against what iice and you said and a lot of others, I was merely frustrated with the exaggerations, if we focus on the exaggerated versions, then I simply agree, a girl who dotes on the past, who refuses to move on, who pesters her ex, really should have moved on, but I was not refering to those extremes, I was merely refering to impressions, and it is possible to get the wrong impression of someone. I have thought people to be crazy and then I have found out what really happened and had extreme sympathy for the person, as their story has been manipulated slightly by the ex. Of course, I would also advice the girl to move on and to leave the guy alone because she cannot get closure from him, but you see it takes a while before you realise someone's ignoring you, you can't just message them ONCE and then make up all your conclusions from that, why blame someone who is unaware? We can grudge at someone who is in denail (the signs are obvious), we can equally grudge at someone who refuses to stop pestering the ex for some reason or the other, tell them to move on etc. . I guess I was trying to make a point in this topic, and before I make a point, I usually would have discussed it with many people and friends in real life before I bring it onto NL, my point was that our focus is taken from the hurt'er' to the hurt'ee' (rubbish lingo I know!) . . We focus on the girl as she is viewed as a sorry excuse, and fair enough, she should move on, but we rarely ever pinpoint the disappointing behaviour of the hurter.

Little did you know, I did the whole letting go forever thing, "I never wanna see him again. ." but it took me 3 messages to realise he was even ignoring me. I just find it annoying that judging by some opinions expressed in this post that I would be considered the crazy ex. Funnily enough, speaking to my ex, he didn't even think I cared and that is how things backfire on you. I don't think you can assume that because someone hasn't replied a text means that you need to cross them out of your life and move on. If you make a few attempts then you can rest assure that they are ignoring you, and other than an issue of pride you have lost nothing, no guilt, you can move on, and it's easier knowing you did all you could. I might have appeared crazy because I believed the last words he said to me 'Please, please, if we can, I want to be friends with you. . If we could be friends that would amazing please don't be mad at me." and when there was no reply, I would always give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm not slow, so after a while I realised my friendship wasn't wanted, and probably it was said so I wouldn't stay mad at him.

You already know what happened, *puzzled look on face* I know? I don't think I know. Anyways, hopefully I'll still be on NL in a few years, I'll come back and tell y'all what happened lol.

you just wished things happened differently. It's normal to feel that way, but creepy once it starts to become an obsession. Wow, I'm creepy. . not bad not bad - better than crazy I guess (and the funny thing is he's the one calling to ask questions about what happened).


Trust me, if i wanted to, i would not beat around the bush. These 'move on' comments, seem to imply just that though. I'm not saying you're heartless, but to assume that the less I talk about the ex the more I've moved on is one of the easiest ways, but it's not always accurate. I'm talking about him now, because he has once again made a re-appearance in my life, I'm not back to square 1. If I talked about him less, you would assume all is fine in my life and that I am over him, but that could just be a person who holds things in.


Phew, I am glad I got another laugh out of you But seriously, thats what you are trying to do, trying to be a martyr and rouse girls to confront JERKS and challenge them to not just end a relationship without having the decency to explain why. Hmmm, if you put it that way, then maybe I am, but I am aware that it is impossible to change people, but I am not relying on the outcome that they'll change I am just operating on the simple but naive idea of justice and not letting people get away with things so easily. If the guys do not change, it doesn't change the fact that I've said my bit, change is a bonus. And contrary to popular belief, you CAN change a person, you CAN not make them change, but if something in you affects them, they CAN decide to change. We are not completely powerless, we just can't control that power that's all.


Not saying you didn't, but go and read it again, they all told her to move on.
And she will, but who's to judge if in a few months she's finding it difficult, are we just to say the same one liner 'move on'. I think it's really unfair to say that myself and Suga4ya are in the same boat. I was kinda in her position months ago, the relationship dynamics were different, but the ending was similar. Right now she needs to know moving on is key, because it is, and will continue to be, but it wouldn't kill anybody to sympathise with her, not to pity her, but apart from Nairaland, I had people I emailed who helped me move on not by just saying it, but by explaining it and such.


Me calling him all the derogatory names under the sun would not remove a hair from the guy's body, and neither is it going to unbreak girl X's heart, and does not change the fact that the girls allowed themselves to suffer fools for love. Hmm, who knows, who can really know. We act as if guys are monsters, unmovable, stubborn to the core. Much like you are expecting me to be affected and inspired by the words strangers are telling me on this forum, do you not believe that a guy out their could exist who would be affected by someone actually confronting them? Is that not why they hate confrontation in the first place? Why assume all men are terrible and never 'scold' them or correct them, because of the simple fact that they are men? What harm would it do in trying and who knows, the fact that too many girls move on never allows the hurt and pain caused by the guy to penetrate into him, the only revenge is a sting in the ego because she has moved on - which I think is good revenge too.

I was speaking to a male friend about my breakup and he was a close friend to my ex, he told me that my ex had no idea how much he hurt me because I never made it clear. The guy had been hurt a lot in the past and so was past accepting the fact that women have feelings (past the pretence and tears they cry). So, it made me realise that the fact that after the breakup, and the long initial silence, I had re-iterated just that again. . that I didn't care and it didn't affect me.

I am past caring about how I appear to someone, and have found peace in knowing it's what you are on the inside that matters the most, that sounds like disney but let me put it bluntly. If I feel like I want to cry over a guy, I will cry, letting out frustration and emotion is such a relief despite what people say. In the long run I'll be better off, getting it all off my chest. I refuse to be made into a fool, but if being a fool is asking for peace, asking for mutual breakup and not some awkward silence then I guess I am a fool.


I agree 110% I should move on, but who is to say that I am still stuck on him, there's not much going on in my life right now  and he just happens to be a hot topic for me. I guess I'll try to stop talking about him.

Busy_body:

You can do it too, once you set your mind to it, seven months is too long, you don't have to wallow in pity and allow yourself to succumb to Depression, because once you cross that line, thats it, it never fully goes away Please can you explain giving an example at how I can get stuck in depression if I wallow. I'm intrigued.. Talking therapies help, so feel free to come remain on NL, this place is just like a family gathering, but you are not expected to get along with all members of your family, there are always some that irritate you, so all you have to do is grin and bear it. Thats life

Lol, from this I can definitely sense that some parts seem to have gotten the wrong impression. There's no one on Nairaland that irritates me

Thanks anyways, I think I'm not over him completely, but I am to the point where I think I can move onto another guy ~ 80%, in fact there was one about 6 months ago, and I really started liking him, but it didn't work and we never went out, I never compared him to my ex, and at that time I had completely cut off every contact with the ex. I think yes 8 months I'm still talking about him because about a month ago he messaged me and we are talking, and all the old issues are coming back. I never announced this on NL because I was over him initially and handled it well.

Thank you so much because even though I am not as sappy as some cases can be when it comes to handling a breakup or recovery, I can always improve further and reach that 100%. I'm just wondering how to slowly disconnect the contact between us, so that in 3 months time I'm not back again, telling you guys what's up and then get responses along the line of 'why did you ignore him, he was just trying to be friends.' etc. .

A lot of this is not caring what other people think, but being able to apply their advice if it suits, because I think if I cared what people thought I would be telling everybody that I am 100% over him and bragging and claiming things aren't true. Well, the mind is very powerful. . though.

In another thread H202 gave me some insight on why the ex has returned and I am now onto phase 2, removing him from the core of my life, and filing him under 'distant distant' friends. Lol, for God's sake, I don't even put this much effort into chatting with my long lost cousins *shakes head in disappointment*

Thanks for all the advice.

Peace.

Busy_body:

Awon iran baba e. This is a bloody forum set up to debate issues and express opinions, which means dumbo, that people are going to have dissenting opinions, not a one way traffic for bloody spineless, he-goats to just toe the line like fools

H2O2:

topup,

Hope I didn't confuse you with my "insight" . What I meant was, it takes a great deal of mental maturity to get over an "ex", especially one that has caused you this much heartache. You gave him the key to your heart, made yourself vulnerable to him and probably had your mind set on marriage. You were open with him about your needs and desires and expected him to be different from those "other guys", but unfortunately your love was unrequited and his actions showed that he undervalued you and wasn't ready for what you had/have to offer him. The grief and shock of that encounter is still with you and welcoming him back in such a short time might be unhealthy for you.

If you do decide to remain very good friends, keep in mind that you are his ex and there are some topics of discussion that must be swept under the rug; don't even bother discussing them with him.

Wish you luck!

netotse:


no matter how nasty we get y'all still love us

maitapo9ic:

[b][/b] yea lady are buvine why the guys are zany lady have a fish mental why men have a good mental or let me call it natural mental

H2O2:

u sef don dey run mental. ode!

H2O2:

topup,

Hope I didn't confuse you with my "insight" .  What I meant was, it takes a great deal of mental maturity to get over an "ex", especially one that has caused you this much heartache.  You gave him the key to your heart, made yourself vulnerable to him and probably had your mind set on marriage.  You were open with him about your needs and desires and expected him to be different from those "other guys", but unfortunately your love was unrequited and his actions showed that he undervalued you and wasn't ready for what you had/have to offer him.  The grief and shock of that encounter is still with you and welcoming him back in such a short time might be unhealthy for you.

If you do decide to remain very good friends, keep in mind that you are his ex and there are some topics of discussion that must be swept under the rug; don't even bother discussing them with him.

Wish you luck!

Ok, how do I delve into the fountain of knowledge that is H2O2 lol. You're right, I don't think I was that equipped for a breakup like that. I mean I have had boyfriends in the past, but they've always been very mature, I think I misjudged his age for his maturity. I don't hate him and I know there is much more in store for me, and I still love love love guys lol.

Anyways, which topics should I avoid discussing because I was almost going to start a mental list of final questions to ask/bring to the surface before I end/diffuse the contact slowly.

I actually don't know how I'm going to avoid disconnecting him rudely , but then you also gave me another insight in this quote, our levels of openess and maturity don't match. I'm expecting too much from university boys, there are some who are mentally mature to be honest and frank, but there are also some who aren't. I might have to stop being frank with him. I learnt that being too readable is also causing me some problems. The guy finally took me seriously when I didn't say a word and just plainly ignored him, forget the times we sat down and talked casually about what would happen.

I'm over the break up, but it's like you had a best friend who not only forgot about you, but never apologised for revealing all your secrets, deserting you, who has come back just so you can cry on their shoulder and then they can do the same thing again. I would very much love to gain some more advice on dealing with his come back. But my sappy stories might be a sharp ringing noise in some peoples' ears.

Look away if you are fed up of hearing. . carry on reading if you have advice.

I refuse to contact him, even when he came back;
1- because he never apologised.
2- I remembered one thing he did to me, which after it happened I blocked out and it has just returned and now I can't move past that and be friends.

I won't call him, but I will be amicable to his attempts to call, aloof is the correct word.

Thanks again
Peace and God Bless.

springss:

@Topup, nice thread you have going on here. I wish to chip in my little contribution. Both men and women desire and deserve closure especially if they had poured their heart and soul into a relationship that eventually failed. So anyone may be termed 'crazy' if they pursue an uncooperative ex to understand what went wrong in a relationship that seemed to be 'nearly perfect' at some point. Appearing 'crazy' stems from how one goes about getting feedback and closure.

If you stalk the other party, or constantly call to get him/her to talk especially when he/she doesn't, you will definitely appear crazy. Being ignored especially by someone who was once the apple of your eyes can be tormenting no doubt. This is even worse for analytical people. These persons want to establish the root cause for the failure, learn from it and possible help them manage future relationships better. In an ideal world, we would all get genuine feedback as to why the cookie really crumbled.

In the real world however, some people would rather not talk about failed relationships; either to prevent an admission of a fact they would rather conceal, e.g. it was all a game ab initio or don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. There are just some things you wouldn’t want to admit to an ex. For instance, how do you tell someone that he/she lacks self-confidence and that's why you are quitting the relationship? Will this not ruin their self-esteem completely?

So what do you do, if you can’t get feedback? Relax! I always believe this: “What I don’t know today, I may know tomorrow. If I can’t find out tomorrow, I’ll know on judgment day; so why worry?”. Finally, even with feedback, some people just can’t put closure. They keep hoping they can revive things. This should be a topic for another thread…

BRAVO. . your reply would have been such a beautiful ending to the topic, (but we have more replies below).

About the 'it was all a game ab initio' I guess if the person seeking closure knew that they probably wouldn't want to seek closure lol, I guess the hardest part of it all comes from accepting, it was all a lie, and that there is a HIGH possibilty that the person you got to know was a fake, so don't assume it's your loving boyfriend you're trying to call.

*Toyinrayo:

Busy_body,
I dey wait o. . . .and am not giving up

I have never encountered so much migraine-inducing shocking pink in my life No wonder I came down with a migraine attack Top-up, you owe me, bigtime

Busy_body:


I'm coming babes, after the migraine episode passes I had it on the left side two days ago, and it migrated to the right side yesterday, and it has spread all over today, so tommorrow fingers crossed, I would be fine and over it, pray for me, lol




^{I have never encountered so much migraine-inducing shocking pink in my life No wonder I came down with a migraine attack Top-up, you owe me, bigtime}

*Toyinrayo:

Lol, you dey ceaze.

But if na true u gotz migraine, I wish you well.

But I wnt give up o, just to let you know. I wan see that wonky face of yours

Busy_body:

No puarrblem, my migraine only lasts 3 days, so i'm going to be well, and be back tomorrow, as long as Top-up sticks to this new vomit-inducing blue font, lol