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Lessons From My Marriage - Family - Nairaland

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Lessons From My Marriage by bisifoundation: 1:33pm On Sep 19, 2015
I lived a very religious life in campus, and was not in any relationship at all. After school , I met this young handsome guy in 2006. Sincerely, I felt I didn’t not merit him because he is very handsome, while I am on the average beauty wise. The only thing that attracted me to him was the look. He was an hustler and lived a low income life. Throughout our courtship of 18months, He never gave me a dime. I came from a financially buoyant famiy, I therefore saw no need in asking him for anything, rather I was feeding him with three square meal. We got wedded in the year 2007, and I gave him the flower of my womanhood (virginity) but I was not really excited for just no reason.

My husband is a caring man, but nags a lot. He nags about the way I handle bathing soap, the way you arrange plates in kitchen, virtually everything. I most often skip for fear each time he wants to talk because I believe he wants to complain again.

I got a job before he did, but one thing I discover is that my husband spends his money without thinking about tomorrow and always depend on my salary to survive the family. In 2008, I gave birth to a set of triplet, and had to quit work to nurse my angels. He was very supportive then. He provided for all our needs and life was good. In 2012, my husband lost his job, I had to take over the family expenses again. I was running a masters degree program, doing many businesses, and still raising kids. I travelled every week in a bid to keep the family running. Each time, I complain about the stress I was passing through, he tells me I am lazy, that many women do more to sustain their families.

This is 2015, my husband prefers to allow me or my dad to pay the children tuition fee than for him to hustle. I am 100% responsible for the family upkeep. Every biz you introduce to my husband is downgrading to him. I am currently on my PHd degree, I am nursing a set of triplet, and still work hard to survive my family.

It is now that I realize that I married my husband because of his handsomeness, and that he is mentally very shallow. My husband thinks like a child and has virtually no plan for his family.

My simple advice for intending wives is this, looks (handsomeness or beauty) alone is not enough to choose a husband, marry a man that has great vision for his life, not the one that you will keep on dragging up.

Secondly, I believe my husband puts all the family responsibility on me because I was the one feeding him when we were dating. Please, let your guy know from day one that you need to be adored and taken care of like a beautiful flower.

To married men and women there, did you make some mistakes when choosing? Pls share with intending husbands and wives to help them make informed decision.

425 Likes 57 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by raayah(f): 1:36pm On Sep 19, 2015
bisifoundation:
My simple advice for intending wives is this, looks(handsomeness or beauty) alone is not enough to choose a husband, marry a man that has great vision for his life, not the one that you will keep on dragging up. Secondly, I believe my husband puts all the family responsibility on me because I was the one feeding him when we were dating. Please, let your guy know from day one that you need to be adored and taken care of like a beautiful flower.

Madam just keep living! It will get easier. Your children will grow and take care of you.
You are working, taking care of triplets and doing a p.h.d?? You are super woman !

It will get better!
bisifoundation:
My husband is a caring man, but nags a lot. He nags about the way I handle bathing soap, the way you arrange plates in kitchen, virtually everything. I most often skip for fear each time he wants to talk because I believe he wants to complain again.
Each time, I complain about the stress I was passing thru, he tells me I am lazy, that many women do more to sustain their families.
This is 2015, my husband prefers to allow me or my dad to pay the children tuition fee than for him to hustle. I am 100% responsible for the family upkeep.

You are not a Lazy woman. A good man will be appreciate you!

314 Likes 10 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Imortal001: 1:41pm On Sep 19, 2015
Touching story!

20 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nitefury: 1:42pm On Sep 19, 2015
Bisi is hurting.

Reminds me of a thread asking why Nigerian men shy away from responsibilities once they know their wives are capable and willing.

You're husband is just being very selfish. He understands you wouldn't slack paying your kids tuition or take up his responsibilities so he just relaxes. Trust me Bisi, you hubby understands what he's doing perfectly well. His thinking is after all, you got his ass covered even when you dated, so why should you stop when you're now married? If you ask me, i think he also understood earlier on you wanted him for his looks and at the end of the day, he settled with you knowing your (family's) financial capabilities.

No be only women dey dig gold sha. Your hubby just do fine-boy fine-boy catch you.

Things like this drive women away from their partners emotionally.

148 Likes 9 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by thorpido(m): 1:42pm On Sep 19, 2015
Handsomeness is one of the least reasons to marry a man.You have definitely learnt that by now.
Unfortunately,there are still many young girls who make decisions on who to marry by these poor reasons.

71 Likes 7 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nobody: 2:26pm On Sep 19, 2015
Superhuman..
You will reap bountifully... Just keep doing it and put a smile on your face

61 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by nnamdibig(m): 2:47pm On Sep 19, 2015
It's the man that is lazy not you

29 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nobody: 3:01pm On Sep 19, 2015
Hmmmmm. Looks to me like there's really no rule that governs the marriage institution.
Well for me, A man's physical Beauty is absolutely irrelevant! Give me a 'gorilla-looking' man if he's got the most handsome heart and ready to lay down for his family, I'd be ready to compliment his looks

143 Likes 7 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Aitee1: 4:16pm On Sep 19, 2015
Hmmmmmmmm...timely piece!

Experience they say is the best teacher, guess it time to reason someone's matter! lipsrsealed

38 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nitefury: 4:30pm On Sep 19, 2015
goldenruby:
Hmmmmm. Looks to me like there's really no rule that governs the marriage institution.
Well for me, A man's physical Beauty is absolutely irrelevant! Give me a 'gorilla-looking' man if he's got the most handsome heart and ready to lay down for his family, I'd be ready to compliment his looks

ah ruby... I'm gorilla looking... But I've got a handsome heart... Will you compliment my looks?

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Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nobody: 4:34pm On Sep 19, 2015
Nitefury:


ah ruby... I'm gorilla looking... But I've got a handsome heart... Will you compliment my looks?
And You ignored the 2nd spec.. Chai You have been disqualified. undecided

40 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by EfemenaXY: 4:49pm On Sep 19, 2015
Nitefury:
Bisi is hurting.

Reminds me of a thread asking why Nigerian men shy away from responsibilities once they know their wives are capable and willing.

You're husband is just being very selfish. He understands you wouldn't slack paying your kids tuition or take up his responsibilities so he just relaxes. Trust me Bisi, you hubby understands what he's doing perfectly well. His thinking is after all, you got his ass covered even when you dated, so why should you stop when you're now married? If you ask me, i think he also understood earlier on you wanted him for his looks and at the end of the day, he settled with you knowing your (family's) financial capabilities.

No be only women dey dig gold sha. Your hubby just do fine-boy fine-boy catch you.

Things like this drive women away from their partners emotionally.

Absolutely spot on!

And I really do feel for her. Poor girl.

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by cococandy(f): 4:59pm On Sep 19, 2015
Poor woman.
Well at least he should stay home and nurse the kids. Be a full time stay home parent and face the home keeping. (Child care, cooking, cleaning etc)
That way some stress will come off the lady while she's winning bread for the family and pursuing her PHd.

he will probably scoff at the idea too. as it will also be degrading to him.
Lesson learned too late for the madam.

34 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nitefury: 5:47pm On Sep 19, 2015
goldenruby:
And You ignored the 2nd spec.. Chai You have been disqualified. undecided

Ah.. Ruby Ruby.. I wasn't with my glasses when i read that initially na. Not fair o.. I'm a 110% ready to lay down for my family. The extra 10% is for you specially. Date nights, Vacation to Obudu at the peak of every rainy season, be sending you the good old school love text messages, I'll bake for ya etc.. I'll be the direct opposite of the man in this story...

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Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nitefury: 5:50pm On Sep 19, 2015
EfemenaXY:


Absolutely spot on!

And I really do feel for her. Poor girl.

Yes o... This kind of Husbands would be quick to start threads on how their wives are no longer interested in love making.. Forgetting how their habits are frustrating life outta their wives..

67 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by queenfav(f): 5:58pm On Sep 19, 2015
Kpele @op..Well I thank God I am already pretty,so I am not so big on landing a handsome man...Over the years,I have learnt to look skin deep into a man to know if he can be in my life.Who e fine face help?lol.The main focus is his attitude generally and compatibility.But sha, @op the feeding him thing before marriage is a bit too far o.That was a big red flag!A real man would not allow his girl feed him.He would take on menial jobs,meet friends sef to help.He would only ask his lady for help when his cards are all burned out.And even then he doesn't turn her into a paymaster.I drew a lot of lessons from the story sha.I can relate to the nagging part.That's a very big God forbid!That means we would be two women in the relationship na.Well, being prayerful cannot be overemphasized before getting married.Because we can't have a person all figured out,until you marry him/her.

39 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nobody: 6:25pm On Sep 19, 2015
Nitefury:


Ah.. Ruby Ruby.. I wasn't with my glasses when i read that initially na. Not fair o.. I'm a 110% ready to lay down for my family. The extra 10% is for you specially. Date nights, Vacation to Obudu at the peak of every rainy season, be sending you the good old school love text messages, I'll bake for ya etc.. I'll be the direct opposite of the man in this story...
cheesy cheesy cheesy Form don finish

23 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Xplicit1(f): 6:48pm On Sep 19, 2015
Madam, u are a gem, just keep on praying, it will get better.



Hmmm, the struggling i didn't struggle wen i was single will now start & even doubled wen married! Lord, help me not to fall victim to somtin lyk dis in marriage.

16 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by jashar(f): 8:21pm On Sep 19, 2015
Nitefury:


Yes o... This kind of Husbands would be quick to start threads on how their wives are no longer interested in love making.. Forgetting how their habits are frustrating life outta their wives..

No mind dem angry angry sad

11 Likes

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by jabojafa(m): 8:28pm On Sep 19, 2015
Aitee1:
Hmmmmmmmm...timely piece!

Experience they say is the best teacher, guess it time to reason someone's matter! lipsrsealed
lolz wich person mata?
Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Aitee1: 8:31pm On Sep 19, 2015
jabojafa:
lolz wich person mata?

Yours tongue
Re: Lessons From My Marriage by KanwuliaJara: 12:06am On Sep 20, 2015
Where are the NL "men"? wink

4 Likes

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by EfemenaXY: 12:12am On Sep 20, 2015
KanwuliaJara:
Where are the NL "men"? wink

Lol! KJ's on a "mission" tonight!

Howdy babes? Happy weekend. kiss kiss

1 Like

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nobody: 12:42am On Sep 20, 2015
Hmmmm...eleyi gidi gan o... You don enter one chance. Na for better for worse.

Love is blind but na for inside marriage eye dey clear

3 Likes

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by KanwuliaJara: 12:51am On Sep 20, 2015
EfemenaXY:


Lol! KJ's on a "mission" tonight!

Howdy babes? Happy weekend. kiss kiss

Idleness!
Still on vacation jor.
Have a blesssssssed week coming up! kiss

1 Like

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Kimoni: 12:59am On Sep 20, 2015
Not sure I can blame your husband here.

You were feeding him 3 square meals before marriage shocked shocked After marriage, he would squander your money and depend on yours for survival. Till date, you are 100% responsible for the family upkeep.

So what has changed? Why should he suddenly change from the norm? Or why are you suddenly expecting something different?

I honestly don't get. Anyways, you've learnt your lesson, pass it on to your kids.

#Neverbeanenabler

8 Likes

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by tpiander: 1:01am On Sep 20, 2015
ok, what are we supposed to do or say now?

I don't understand what exactly the op wants.
Re: Lessons From My Marriage by Nobody: 1:06am On Sep 20, 2015
tpiander:
ok, what are we supposed to do or say now?

I don't understand what exactly the op wants.
Sometimes, infact most times your fingers run faster than your brain.

If you don't understand what the op wants then read the post again and stop the crap.

65 Likes 5 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by emekachimek: 6:59am On Sep 20, 2015
This is really heartbreaking! First of all, I commend your doggedness even when your husband is not fulfilling his responsibility to his family. Even the scriptures say that a man who cannot provide for his family is worse than an infidel; I may not want to use that word for your husband but the bible has said so. Secondly, the bible also says that a wise woman builds her home while the foolish tears it apart. You are a wise woman and have built your home, don't tear it apart. Keep loving and praying for him. Whatever a man sows, that he shall reap. He will regret all he's doing much later in life when your children are grown and you shall reap the fruit of your hard work. Lastly, you are among the few that understand what to be a wife means. PLS DON'T REGRET MARRYING HIM, keep praying for for him

72 Likes 11 Shares

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by AlPeter: 8:05am On Sep 20, 2015
emekachimek:
This is really heartbreaking! First of all, I commend your doggedness even when your husband is not fulfilling his responsibility to his family. Even the scriptures say that a man who cannot provide for his family is worse than an infidel; I may not want to use that word for your husband but the bible has said so. Secondly, the bible also says that a wise woman builds her home while the foolish tears it apart. You are a wise woman and have built your home, don't tear it apart. Keep loving and praying for him. Whatever a man sows, that he shall reap. He will regret all he's doing much later in life when your children are grown and you shall reap the fruit of your hard work. Lastly, you are among the few that understand what to be a wife means. PLS DON'T REGRET MARRYING HIM, keep praying for for him

WOW this is wonderful, nicely written. This is a lesson to everyone else and even to me that beauty without character is nothing. Just

18 Likes

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by thelish(f): 10:54am On Sep 20, 2015
emekachimek:
This is really heartbreaking! First of all, I commend your doggedness even when your husband is not fulfilling his responsibility to his family. Even the scriptures say that a man who cannot provide for his family is worse than an infidel; I may not want to use that word for your husband but the bible has said so. Secondly, the bible also says that a wise woman builds her home while the foolish tears it apart. You are a wise woman and have built your home, don't tear it apart. Keep loving and praying for him. Whatever a man sows, that he shall reap. He will regret all he's doing much later in life when your children are grown and you shall reap the fruit of your hard work. Lastly, you are among the few that understand what to be a wife means. PLS DON'T REGRET MARRYING HIM, keep praying for for him

Jesus Christ, advice plenty ooo. Neva knew d real definition of a wife until now. Thanks bros for dis wonderful lecture

17 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lessons From My Marriage by 0luwatope(m): 11:45am On Sep 20, 2015
Firstly, I heard people don't really change when they get married, its the boyfriend/girlfriend behavior that will only get modified when married. I think a caring husband should be the one to cater for the needs of the house so in your own case he is not that caring as you think, I love you can not pay for tuition fees. You are a very good mother, consider your husby as one of your house mates and continue feeding him like he is your first child, people like him can never be better than their wife. Some call it destiny, some call it cross, whichever one they call it, bear your cross with happiness cuz your problems won't last forever

19 Likes

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