UjuJoan2:


That's what every man says until they actually get married.

Only a Cold hearted man would see his wife juggling chores, child care, work e.t.c without being moved to at least help in some areas.

My husband used to sound like you, until he realized he had no option. Except of course he wants to go hungry or worse without sex. Because I can't labour all day and still be expected to labour at night. Mba nu, I'm not a machine.

Food and sex can be got outside. Olosho Dey instamesssge. Na to order

Samshumy:

Food and sex can be got outside. Olosho Dey instamesssge. Na to order

Again, easier said than done.

Except of course you marry someone you don't love.

UjuJoan2:


Again, easier said than done.

Except of course you marry someone you don't love.

Well that’s true in the case of love. If you really love someone, you would try and please them once in a while

Samshumy:

Well that’s true in the case of love. If you really love someone, you would try and please them once in a while

I'm glad you agree.

davenaija:



Must not always talk back eh. Should men not master their emotional trigger and responses? Using the wife as a channel of outlet for unprocessed anger doesn't it show it vividly that the husband is emotionally unbalanced and immature?


Please. This is how we blame all marital problems on women. So much so that in scenarios when men are innocent no one believes them. Put your thinking hat on please

if ur patner act stupidly in matters like this,,, and u could keep ur cool,, then be cool!!!!!! goes both ways with a naggy and useless wife!!!!! if everyone reacts to every action,, then u re both stupid and senseless!!!!!! if one is hot,, its wise for the other to be cool it not necessarily a gender thing!!!! use discretion wen quoting me next time or u regret it!!!!!

UjuJoan2:


I'm glad you agree.

But it’s always nice for the wife to please the husband always. That’s why we have maids to take care of chores

goodnewscliff:
if ur patner act stupidly in matters like this,,, and u could keep ur cool,, then be cool!!!!!! goes both ways with a naggy and useless wife!!!!! if everyone reacts to every action,, then u re both stupid and senseless!!!!!! if one is hot,, its wise for the other to be cool it not necessarily a gender thing!!!! use discretion wen quoting me next time or u regret it!!!!!

The energy that belies the comment speaks volumes. I pass IJN. Can't lose my lid over you, never

davenaija:



The energy that belies the comment speaks volumes. I pass IJN. Can't lose my lid over you, never

i regret the 300kilobyte wasted on this ishh

hmmm.. It is no longer about Op and her husband again...##


Thread hijacked!!!

So many emotional and character underdeveloped men in this generation. I feel sorry for ladies. Psychiatry would be bae in years to come from these glaring pointers

Samshumy:

But it’s always nice for the wife to please the husband always. That’s why we have maids to take care of chores

The wife has a million way of pleasing the husband and making him happy, fro. Her very first chore in the day to the very last.

drmikeadams:
my major concern be say for dis kain hot and over heating weather na em man no dey shower for d whole weekend some people na akpa dirtyy

That part dulled my reasoning a while! Sometimes, I even wake up in the middle of the night to bathe again despite doing so before going to bed. There are people in this world!

Sanchez01:

That part dulled my reasoning a while! Sometimes, I even wake up in the middle of the night to bathe again despite doing so before going to bed. There are people in this world!

me wey like smoke after each smoke for bathroom I don pour water..how some people dey sleep well widout niight shower ayam not understanding

kross01:
As much as i do not believe all you wrote here, i can easily deduce that your hubby is really not a grown man and does not, i repeat, does not know what it means to be the man of the house. Now if he really will be reading this, let him hear this from me; in my own house, i do the laundry, infact, i don't even know if my wife still knows how to use the machine. What does it cost me? Load clothes into a machine, press some buttons and go sit down somewhere else, what else? I work, my wife works too but i tell you, its only on sundays and some saturdays that my wife bathes our son, i bath him every other day morning and evening. Infact i can tell you for free that my son takes to me more than he does to my wife. Oga sometimes i come back from work and i ask my wife to go sit down while i cook for the whole house. Do we still have issues after all these, sure we do, its part of marriage. The friction is what polishes and brings out the bright shining joy of marriage but till then you must do what you have to do. I believe your hubby's case is a problem of upbringing, i started assuming responsibilities at a very tender age and man you must love your kids. I don't even allow anyone do for my son what i can do for him except i am not around. How can sleep cross my eyes when my child is uncomfortable, how? Oga you need serious reformatting, as in purge your present OS and get your brain a new OS. Savour every moment you have with your family especially your kids, let them have a sweet memory of you always.

Complete husband and father

Samshumy:
Your husband loves master and slave relationship and it’s not a bad thing either way. It’s not a serious issue, try and get another househelp who can stay till 8pm or around such. The only thing your husband needs to do is to reduce the way he talks rudely to you even though i also love such character and i exhibit such lol

This is for the husband...please do not start what you can’t finish, you can wash your clothes only. Don’t help in any house chores no matter how small because the day you stop doing the house chores, there will be arguments and misunderstanding. So don’t do any chores. I repeat don’t do any chores. You can wash your own clothes only but don’t let anyone blackmail you into doing chores because you’re a man. But stop the way you talk to the wife rudely

Master and slave Relationship in marriage is not a bad thing? Seriously?

And you are advising the husband not to help with chores? Is this how you run your home?

Marriage is a partnership...a joining of two people to make their lives better. Two are supposed to be better than one.

From your writeup, your husband is selfish. He doesn't want his life to be too altered with marriage. He still wants to have his sleep, freedom to do anything he wants at anytime

He has not yet accepted the responsibilities that come with being a husband and a father. As the kids grow up, they will most like grow distant from him and it is later when they are adults he will wonder why they don't relate well with him. It is not rocket science. He is not getting involved in their lives... ordinary revision with them he cannot do. He cannot sacrifice his time and energy for them.

Doing chores or helping with the kids doesn't make a man less than he is. I cannot count how many times my husband has cleaned the house, done laundry, etc. I even live our kid in his care if i have to go out and he is home.

Marriage is a joint force between two people. All those abusive words need to stop. They don't help a person's self esteem especially when it is coming from someone who is supposed to love you.

Enough said

UyaiIncomparabl:


With your mentality, I'd never share bills with you! Let's agree to terms. Don't do house chores, I wouldn't give out a dime even if it means you going bankrupt, I simply wouldn't care. You perish, you perish.

lol

UjuJoan2:


These are not 'small issues' . . . these are HUGE issues.

1. You married an abusive man with no conscience and empathy. Do not stoop to his level by shouting back and fighting him. Learn to ignore him. He knows the right thing to do but chooses not to, there is nothing you can do about it. making it an issues will only add to your blood pressure. And fighting and quarreling will only lead to you guys raising violent children.

2. Reduce your expectations of your husband . . you want him to put his clothes in the laundry basket, help with chores, do school work for the kids e.t.c. and these are ALL his responsibility but he chooses to abandon them to you, someone he thinks is NOTHING. You need to show him strength in these areas where he has failed.

I believe every woman who chose to marry a NIGERIAN man should be ready to carry his responsibilities as well, since our culture encourages men to be lazy and dependent on women. Of course they think it makes them the head and in-charge, but in truth, there are only displaying weakness and indiscipline.

If you are lucky like some of us, great . . . . IF not, then resign yourself to fate and don't let it bother you.

3. You are taking too much on yourself, why not get a full-time help? Even if it's a young child.

Before I got married, I used to think I will live without helps, but it was not a realistic expectation . . the children come quickly, the pressure of work is high and the husbands are usually non-nonchalant. So I got help(s). . . .Full-time! You are lucky you work from home so you can efficiently supervise them. You can still bathe your kids to avoid accidents, but they can dress them, feed them, load the washing machine, and other chores that contribute to your pressure.

4. Your husband TRUSTS you, he just doesn't want to acknowledge it because for some reason he think it will make you better than him. HE has this need to control and subdue you. He is very insecure and if you let him, he will keep bringing you down to his level. In any case, if he doesn't trust you what difference does it make? Stop letting that bother you. Face your home and concentrate on improving yourself and your business.

Try not to lose yourself in this marriage because it will not be worth it!!!

Very apt. You analyzed it so well especially the bolded part.

A lot of Nigerian men have this twisted mentality about marriage being a place for them to play god and institute a dictatorship atmosphere. It's really sad

UjuJoan2:


These are not 'small issues' . . . these are HUGE issues.

1. You married an abusive man with no conscience and empathy. Do not stoop to his level by shouting back and fighting him. Learn to ignore him. He knows the right thing to do but chooses not to, there is nothing you can do about it. making it an issues will only add to your blood pressure. And fighting and quarreling will only lead to you guys raising violent children.

2. Reduce your expectations of your husband . . you want him to put his clothes in the laundry basket, help with chores, do school work for the kids e.t.c. and these are ALL his responsibility but he chooses to abandon them to you, someone he thinks is NOTHING. You need to show him strength in these areas where he has failed.

I believe every woman who chose to marry a NIGERIAN man should be ready to carry his responsibilities as well, since our culture encourages men to be lazy and dependent on women. Of course they think it makes them the head and in-charge, but in truth, there are only displaying weakness and indiscipline.

If you are lucky like some of us, great . . . . IF not, then resign yourself to fate and don't let it bother you.

3. You are taking too much on yourself, why not get a full-time help? Even if it's a young child.

Before I got married, I used to think I will live without helps, but it was not a realistic expectation . . the children come quickly, the pressure of work is high and the husbands are usually non-nonchalant. So I got help(s). . . .Full-time! You are lucky you work from home so you can efficiently supervise them. You can still bathe your kids to avoid accidents, but they can dress them, feed them, load the washing machine, and other chores that contribute to your pressure.

4. Your husband TRUSTS you, he just doesn't want to acknowledge it because for some reason he think it will make you better than him. HE has this need to control and subdue you. He is very insecure and if you let him, he will keep bringing you down to his level. In any case, if he doesn't trust you what difference does it make? Stop letting that bother you. Face your home and concentrate on improving yourself and your business.

Try not to lose yourself in this marriage because it will not be worth it!!!

OP as much as I don't disagree with this Individual, I beg you to not follow the counsel numbered one. Ignoring your husband would escalate issues, Incite avoidable anger and make these simple issues complex. Never approach issues from a combative standpoint. That would lead the journey a wrong path. Do not be combative with him this way, rather report him to someone he respects


Getting him to pour out pent-up energy and discharge is a way for him to process his internal energy which he doesn't know he has issues with. Though there's need for his attentiveness to his own destructive habits to be brought to his attention. This is your prayer point. You know what to do.

Samshumy:

If he starts doing chores now, anytime he stops, the wife would nag. So it’s better he doesn’t do any chores apart from his clothes alone

How you expect a married man to be doing household chores is what i don’t understand. This is Nigeria and not America or Canada

Is that how you run your home? What is wrong with a man doing chores? Is he above it? Didn't he wear the clothes that need washing? Doesn't he live in the house? Will it deflate the ego?

Samshumy:

No he doesn’t. He washes his clothes only. He doesn’t do any house chores.

Ok. We see where you learnt it from. Upbringing really plays a major role in marriage. Most ladies should observe their men's fathers to have an idea of who they are marrying and what they are getting into.

Samshumy:

I can’t do chores because chores is meant for a woman. I’m a man and not a woman. Before marriage, the wife would know the kind of person i am. So I’m not forcing her into what she won’t like. The only chores i can do is my own clothes. Any other thing must be taken care of by her.

Where did you get this orientation from... that chores are for women?

You are not married yet and are still looking at marriage from the point of view of boyfriend and girlfriend.

ImaIma1:


Ok. We see where you learnt it from. Upbringing really plays a major role in marriage. Most ladies should observe their men's fathers to have an idea of who they are marrying and what they are getting into.

Different strokes my lady. My father was abusive. In fact all the great guys I see today many had abusive dad's. Self realization and cognitive ascendence helped us understand things better in order to chart a different course than our dads.


Best guys for ladies to date..

Guys that are on the path of awareness, mild and positive self consciousness and improvement, this breed strives to be better day in day out. Anything less is a no brainer.

I wish I had seen this earlier.

Many kids here making dumb comments. I don't mean to be rude.

Madam, no two marriages are the same. Stop comparing yourselves with others and quit making others your yardsticks.

Now, I have been married for years and I can relate with many of your issues.

1. Your husband is not cruel or insensitive, he is who he is. He is hardworking and earns well, so he believes he deserves a good life- a wife who keeps the home and cares for his kids. Not too much to ask for as a successful young man.

He has advised you to get a house help, he means it, some guys are not so domesticated, I am and it's because I have free periods sometimes and you women so take such men for granted.
What if he doesn't put his dirty clothes in the laundry baskets? I don't always do it, though I do my laundry. In actual fact, I help my spouse with hers. But, I am not that tidy too. I had to tell my wife to stop complaining because you can't have it all.

Solution: Get a maid that will stay long or come over the weekends to do laundry and other stuffs as he advised or quit whinning.

2. He doesn't stay in one church. You ladies are quick to decide on churches and settle into them, but it takes a while for some of us especially when you are not called to serve.
I prefer the MFM, my wife thinks they are too sanctimonious. She chose another church, quickly settled in and dragged me in with her. The result- I started skipping church regularly for years until I found my way back to MFM. She goes to her own church.

Solution: If a one church solution doesn't work, I know it's cumbersome and somehow unreasonable for Christian families to worship in separate churches, but try to know what he seeks.

3. Talking rudely. We all do. Great that you also talk back and spit your own. However, now that you've known him, is it not better to let him vent and reasonably tell him after some time how he hurts you with his words? It works for me. Though we still have issues but we just assume that we're in it for life. No pun intended.

Also, you truly seem like someone that relies on people's opinions to take decisions. Especially if your confidants are outsiders, no man likes it.
My wife spends a lot of money on ideas that a simple search on even Nairaland would have revealed to be a scam, but she will still do it in spite of all her educational qualifications.

Once some of your friends convinces you about something, it becomes sacrosanct.

Solution: Seek your spouse's opinion on most issues, no matter how trivial. We feel involved and secured that way. It works both ways.


Above all, learn to tolerate one another. I have been with adults and they tell me there are no quick fixes, just enjoy each other and know that it is meant to last forever.

As for weekend baths, when you can't tolerate it any longer, suggest outings like malls and visits to relatives or friends.

Put on seductive lingerie and make him want you, then send him to the bath before accepting his requests.

Wish you all the best.

davenaija:



Different strokes my lady. My father was abusive. In fact all the great guys I see today many had abusive dad's. Self realization and cognitive ascendence helped us understand things better in order to chart a different course than our dads.


Best guys for ladies to date..

Guys that are on the path of awareness, mild and positive self consciousness and improvement, this breed strives to be better day in day out. Anything less is a no brainer.

But he decided to follow his dad's footstep even if he probably saw his mum stressed. It shows he regards women very lightly.

UyaiIncomparabl:


He's both. An egotist will always have a trace of narcissism in him/her.

You should have decoded that the guy has some upbringing issues. It has affected the way he treats women and besides when he gets married, real life will hit him

ImaIma1:


But he decided to follow his dad's footstep even if he probably saw his mum stressed. It shows he regards women very lightly.

Mental awareness. Until people become conscious of their destructive tendencies and empathise with their actions, change is impossible. Actions are poured out for our " internal mould". Unless these moulds are broken either by external brute force or personal will of the doer, their mental pathway continues making it impossible for change to occur or even the possibility of them K owing their actions are wrong. It takes Grace for one to be attentive to personal misgivings

Samshumy:

No he doesn’t. He washes his clothes only. He doesn’t do any house chores.

is laundry not part of house chores?

..

davenaija:



Mental awareness. Until people become conscious of their destructive tendencies and empathise with their actions, change is impossible. Actions are poured out for our " internal mould". Unless these moulds are broken either by external brute force or personal will of the doer, their mental pathway continues making it impossible for change to occur or even the possibility of them K owing their actions are wrong. It takes Grace for one to be attentive to personal misgivings

But he on the other hand doesn't see anything wrong with his actions and mindset. To him, he has to be a god in his home. He will love only when it is convenient and wouldn't want to be disturbed with the process of running the house.

His upbringing has made him selfish. And he already has divorce as an option even before getting married. Not everyone should get married. Selfish people should not bother themselves with marriage

Kindheartedd:
I really really appreciate you all for your comments and time. He has read most comments alone, and I have done same.

We'll both sit to read them one by one later today.

He won't comment because he asked me to post while he sit to read how people see his act.

Thank you elders of Nairaland Family section.

Let's us K ow where we got it wrong after you both read through. Finally I suggest he tells you how he feels when he feels upset with you. This way he doesn't bottle up things too much and expresses himself when it has piled up. I think people call it effective communication in marriages.


Please find this book and read it

Talk your way to an intimate marriage. Dr Harvey sumfin. Any couple that read this book would be glad they did.

Your hubby loves you but his way of doing a few things an be very petty. Do not seek any form of distance with him. Work thru your issues privately, do not be to open to counsel. Receive sound counsel only when the counsel edifices and is positive. Even counselors are dodgy. God bless your union.

ImaIma1:


But he on the other hand doesn't see anything wrong with his actions and mindset. To him, he has to be a god in his home. He will love only when it is convenient and wouldn't want to be disturbed with the process of running the house.

His upbringing has made him selfish. And he already has divorce as an option even before getting married. Not everyone should get married. Selfish people should not bother themselves with marriage

Why stress yourself my lady