Jokes Factory - Jokes Etc (2) - Nairaland
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| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:01am On Dec 05, 2010 |
During a recent password audit at our company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:07am On Dec 05, 2010 |
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money." The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:11am On Dec 05, 2010 |
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:31pm On Dec 06, 2010 |
How to Make a Woman Happy It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend , 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:15pm On Dec 06, 2010 |
A man went to church for the first time, so he reluctantly followed the service because he never believed that God existed, so after offering the church urshers brought up the box of offering to the alter, and the pastor ordered every body to close their eyes, and as he was praying he was busy picking money from the offering box and emptying it in his pocket, so he discovered that man who came for the first time was watchinghim. So the pastor concluded his prayer by saying "Blessed are those that see but do not speak". So the man replied "For they shall have their share" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:22pm On Dec 23, 2010 |
Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water). Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank. However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as thief!!! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen. The Boss told his wife that 'Mary, you will see today, he will be obliged to acknowledge'. So he calls Bakari. He shouted: 'Bakari!'. Bakari answered: 'Yes, Boss'. Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'. No answer. The Boss repeated his question: 'Who drank my wine?' Still no answer. Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him: "You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say 'yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?" Bakari retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at all, except the name. Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen. Bakari shouted: 'Boss'. He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'. Bakari continued: 'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not here? '. No answer. Bakari shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?' No answer. Bakari shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?' The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:03am On Dec 29, 2010 |
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over a, n empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 11:31am On Dec 29, 2010 |
Dry |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:33am On Dec 29, 2010 |
The story begins sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office. The second interview was a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:49am On Dec 29, 2010 |
eldav: If your mouth is dry, go and suck on a lemon. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 11:59am On Dec 29, 2010 |
@phate easy on me man,tis jokes section. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by shakara4u(m): 4:54pm On Dec 29, 2010 |
@eldav easy on me man,tis jokes sectiontell am oooooh, thanx for wasting my time, mscheeeeeew |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Omolola1(f): 4:59pm On Dec 29, 2010 |
phate, u try |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:59am On Dec 30, 2010 |
Omolola1: Thanks sweerry. Hope you are having a blast. Happy New Year in advance.  @haters, go and sleep jor.  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:50am On Dec 30, 2010 |
A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription". |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:00am On Dec 30, 2010 |
A begger was begging a rich man for money, he said, 'Sir,I have Asked 4 money, I have Begged for money, I have Cried 4 money, I have also Danced for money'. The rich man then asked him, 'young man why haven't you Worked for money?' and the man said, 'I am doing it alphabetically. I have not yet reached W. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:11am On Dec 30, 2010 |
| SOME NAIJA LAFFS! 1. He who fights & runs away , Na fear catch am. 2. Pikin wey no sabi im mama boyfriend, Dey call am brother. 3. A rolling stone no just dey roll, Na person push am. 4. He who lives in a glass house, Na im pepe rest. 5. A stitch intime, dey prevent further tear tear. 6. Birds of d same feather, na d same mama born dem. 7. One good turn, na correct power steering be that. 8. A bird in hand, wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque. 9. Half bread, beta pass buns and puff puff. 10. D journey of a thousand miles, Ol ’ boy e beta make u carry your car go. 11. The patient dog, Na hunger go kill am. 12. All work & no play, Na Banker be dat. 13. He who laughs last, na mumu, y im no catch d joke d 1st time & laugh when others dey laff!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by StudioCFR(m): 11:17am On Dec 30, 2010 |
Dry! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:38am On Dec 30, 2010 |
^^Go and play with your armpit hair. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by StudioCFR(m): 11:43am On Dec 30, 2010 |
I prefer the one' inbetween your legs |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:44am On Dec 30, 2010 |
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, sh1t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:47am On Dec 30, 2010 |
Studio CFR: Dude, i aint gay. Look in the mirror. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 11:52am On Dec 30, 2010 |
ROTFLMAO |
| Re: Jokes Factory by StudioCFR(m): 11:53am On Dec 30, 2010 |
Wtf? is phate male or female? |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:16pm On Dec 30, 2010 |
Studio CFR: Phate = the main character from 'The Blue Nowhere'. And he's male.  Now go get a life. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 3:52pm On Dec 30, 2010 |
A grammarian once woke up in the morning and saw his house on fire. He quickly called the fire service with his phone and said, 'Hello, Please is that the combustion officer?' The officer who is not well educated reluctantly said yeeeeeessss. Now the Grammarian said, 'Please gravitate here with a tremendous acceleration and gravity because a gigantic conflagration has engulfed my domiciliary habitation.' Before the fire service officer could search through the dictionary to search out the meaning of the words the whole house has been razed down by fire. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 4:05pm On Dec 30, 2010 |
is that what happened?chai |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:14am On Jan 02, 2011 |
A lady who's been mourning her husband for four years finally goes away for the weekend with a man. On their first night, she gets naked except for a pair of black knickers. "Why the black knickers?" asks the man "You can handle my breasts, my body is yours to explore, but down there i'm still in mourning," she says. The next night, the same thing happens. But this time, the man is wearing a black condom. "what's with the black condom?" she asks. The man replies, "I want to offer my condolences. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:19am On Jan 02, 2011 |
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his pennis. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:24am On Jan 02, 2011 |
A man is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything. The man asks, "Son, how old are you?" Little Johnny says, "Six." Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?" Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex." "Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?" Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk."  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:35am On Jan 02, 2011 |
A woman goes to london for a 2 week company training session. her husband drives her to the airport. she says: "what would you like me to bring back for you?"he laughs and says: "A london preety girl" Two weeks later the wife comes back.the husband says: "so, how was the trip and where is my London girl?"she says: "the trip was fine as for the London girl, well i did all i could. Now we'll have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:04pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me three black, three with cream. ” |
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