Jokes Factory - Jokes Etc (6) - Nairaland
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Letter To Nepa & Sundry Jokes. . . / Chinese and Asian Jokes / Nigerian Jokes (2) (3) (4)
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| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:21am On May 06, 2011 |
A girl sent an SMS to her Ibo lover: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams; if you are laughing, send me your laugh; if you are crying, send me your tears; if you are eating send me your food; if you are using your ATM send me the money". The Ibo boy replied:"I dey toilet"  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by aieromon(m): 9:18am On May 06, 2011 |
Nice work here,mahn |
| Re: Jokes Factory by jokingmary(m): 9:23am On May 06, 2011 |
Phate07:  Phate07: LWKMD |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:11am On May 07, 2011 |
aieromon: jokingmary: Thanks peeps! Expect more!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:38am On May 07, 2011 |
A man & his wife agreed that whenever they want to have SEX, they'll call it 'PHONE CALL'. One day the man told his son. Man: Go & tell your mum that I want to make a phone call. Woman: Go back & tell your dad that theres no network. Man: Go back & tell her that if there is no network, I'll go & make the call outside. Woman: Go & tell him that if he makes any call outside, I'll open a phone call centre. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:05am On May 07, 2011 |
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblin replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over,"My second wish is a Mercedes.""OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes, " Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Bleep me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:37am On May 07, 2011 |
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:40am On May 07, 2011 |
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says"But sir, its just a sperm bank!","I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says"Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples  " , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", sothe nurse drinks that one as well.Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,"See honey - its not that hard." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 1:21pm On May 07, 2011 |
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window, He tells her to take her pants, shedoes, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? " Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off herpanties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Sophizzy(f): 6:21pm On May 08, 2011 |
Lolz. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Natasha2(f): 3:31pm On May 10, 2011 |
LMAO dude you are damn funny |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:43pm On May 11, 2011 |
Thanks! Enjoy! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:50pm On May 11, 2011 |
John went to Mama Mary's buka shop and ordered 3 bottles of Ogogoro. He drank them one after the other. Day after day, he repeated the ritual. He would order three bottles of the strong drink, and empty them one after the other. One day Mama Mary became curious and asked him why he did that. "You see, I have two brothers. One is now in Australia and the other is in England. We made a pact that we will remember one another when we drink." Sometime later, he came into the bar and ordered only two bottles of Ogogoro. Mama Mary felt that something was wrong. "I am sorry to see that you have lost one of your brothers." "No,"he said,"I still have two brothers." "Then why do you order only two bottles?" "You see," John explained,"recently my wife took me to a crusade. To the glory of God, I have decided to stop drinking." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:57pm On May 11, 2011 |
John was driving his bus from Port harcourt to Lagos. He had a sticker in the car that said ''He will give his angels charge over me'' By the time he got to Warri, he was doing 135km/h. The passengers cautioned him, but he simply responded by saying,''Don't you see the sign?, the angels are on guard''. He approached Benin on a speed of 185km/hr. By this time the passengers got very nervous and decided to get down. Everybody except the driver disembarked and he decided to continue the journey to Lagos alone. ''Mumu faithless people, they don't believe that angels are on guard, despite my sticker'', he said, as he drove on. Nearing Ore, he was comfortably cruising at 215km/hr, when he heard people in his car shoulting, ''Abeg oga drop us o, we no dey go again'', puzzled, he looked around, ''Sebi I dropped all my passengers in Benin, so na who dey talk?'' ''Oga, drop us o, na we be the angels wey dey on guard, this one don become suicide mission we no dey guard again ooo!!!'' Needless to say, John drove into lagos with a reasonable speed of 35km/hr. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 12:15am On May 12, 2011 |
John closed from work on Friday and decided to give any lady that came his way a lift. After the 2nd turn from his office, he saw a nun and gave her a lift. While they were going he did not know how to start a conversation with her, therefore, he placed his hand on her laps pretending it was a gear stick. The nun softly said Mathew 7;7', he quickly removed his hand, and resumed concentrating on his driving. He attempted it the 2nd and 3rdtime, and each time, she repeated, Mathew 7:7'. When the sister got to her destination, she opened the door and said to the man, "Youngman, the problem with you is that you don't read your Bible". When John got home, he opened his Bible to MATHEW 7:7 which reads "Ask and it shall be given". |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:13pm On May 17, 2011 |
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Sophizzy(f): 4:16pm On May 17, 2011 |
Lol at all the jokes. Phate, you like the name John o. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Nobody: 11:09am On May 18, 2011 |
wow that was fantastic, baba no b evrytin  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:57pm On Jun 10, 2011 |
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal, When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well, ?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 1:00pm On Jun 16, 2011 |
More to come |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:59pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
You must think with a CLEAN mind: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, a dog does with it's leg lifted? |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:03pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
Boy: Hello ? Girl: Hi ! Boy: How are you ? Girl: Fine ,and you ? Boy: Whats your name ? . . . Girl : I cant speak with low class sorry ! Boy : Ok I'm rich ! Girl : Really ?, hmmm I'm Sarah ! Boy : Nooo , my name is Rich, !!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:07pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says : "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:11pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
An American dude, a English fella, and a 9ja man were on a ship. Suddenly the devil appeared and said: "Drop anything into the sea and if I find it I will eat you but if I can't I will be your slave!", The American dropped a pin, the devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the devil found it and ate him too. The 9ja man opened a bottle of water, poured it into the sea and said "Na Today! Find am na?" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:20pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
From A Mother With Love Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Your loving Mum. PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:23pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
Johny walked into clas every Morning with a black eye. Teacher:- what's wrong? Johny :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johny r u sleepin?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye" Teacher:- 2nite when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer. The folowing morning Johny comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacehr:- My goodness why the black eye again? Johny:- Dad asked me again, Johny äre u sleeping? & I shut up & kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing eratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are u coming too? Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm also coming.:O X_X. And he gave me a black eye again.  . |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:30pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
A young police officer was taking his final exam at Police College in Lagos. Here is one of the questions: You are on patrol in the outskirts of lagos when an explosion occurs in the township. On investigation you find a large hole has been blown in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol. Both occupants - a man and woman - are injured. You recognise the woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan. A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realise that he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery. Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the birth imminent. Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim. Describe in a few words what action you would take?"The officer thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote: "I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd!!!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:38pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
While in China, an Australian man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom at all. A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.' The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.' The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.' The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!' 'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied. 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!' |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:51pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
A baby mosquito came back after its 1st flight, Dad asked: How did U feel? He replied: Dad it was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:53pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
There arer 4 Kinds of men African--->>>Has Wife and GFs but Loves Sister in law or mum the Most, Asian--->>>>Has Wife and GFs but Loves Wife the Most, American->>>Has Wife and GFs but Loves GF the Most, Arab---->>>>Has 14 Wives and 9 GFs but Loves his Camel the Most!!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:01pm On Jun 17, 2011 |
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!” Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9”. Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36”. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.” Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment: “Legs.” Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.” Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants” Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?” The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands." Ms. Brooks: "Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep." Ms. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Who am I?" Harry: "You are a tent." Ms. Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. Then best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: "You are a Wedding Ring." Ms. Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose." Ms. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow." Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last three questions wrong myself! |
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