Jokes Factory - Jokes Etc (3) - Nairaland
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Letter To Nepa & Sundry Jokes. . . / Chinese and Asian Jokes / Nigerian Jokes (2) (3) (4)
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| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:12pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
A man wanted a watchdog, so he went to the pet store. He asks the clerk, "Do you have a good watchdog?" The clerk replies, "You're in luck; I have one left." She comes back with a chihuahua. The man, a little ticked off, says "What the hell do I need a chihuahua for? That's not a watchdog!" The clerk replies, "But this is a special watchdog. He knows karate." The clerk takes the chihuahua and the man out to an alley, where there is some trashy furniture. The clerk points to a chair and says, "Karate that chair!" Less than a second later, the chihuahua reduces the chair to sawdust. The clerk points to a sofa and commands the dog to "Karate that sofa! Repeat performance. The man, amazed, buys the dog for $100 and takes it home. When he gets home, the man shows his wife the chihuahua proclaiming, "Honey, I got you a watchdog!" The wife yells, "That isn't a watchdog, for cryin' out loud! You wasted your money!" The man calmly replies, "This is a special watchdog. He knows karate." The wife, flustered, shouts: "Karate?!? Karate my ass!!!" :x   |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:38pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ” He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. “But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…” “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?” Damn! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 2:45pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
hehe |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:48pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
CORPORATE LINGO “COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. “JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM” We have no time to train you. “CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. “MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day. “SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend. “DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around. “MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control. “CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). “APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled. “NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. “SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left. “PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos. “REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. “GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 3:02pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
eldav: Hope you are enjoying the jokes. More to come.  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 3:13pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by jokingmary(m): 3:28pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
Nice jokes  Keep it up  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by allabosky(m): 4:28pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
Nl, una no go fit kill mua, so joke don get factory hehehehehe hu cum be the manager  ? |
| Re: Jokes Factory by shakara4u(m): 4:52pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
any vacancy, (talkin of d factory) can b a driver,manual labour ecetra, |
| Re: Jokes Factory by allabosky(m): 4:55pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
or a gate man. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:04pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
allabosky: Bro, am the manager and caretaker.  shakara4u: Lol, you can contribute by submitting jokes too. allabosky: Okay nao, your application has been accepted. Forthwith! jokingmary: Tanx sweerry. And please fasten your belt for the ride ahead. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:24pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “ This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I ’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he ’ll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?” Only one word came to mind… my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can ’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.” “Ah Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?” |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 8:30pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
hehe |
| Re: Jokes Factory by jokingmary(m): 8:37pm On Jan 04, 2011 |
lol |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:32am On Jan 05, 2011 |
Joe and John are twins. Joey was the ownr of a dilapilatd old boat which sank the same day John's wife died. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. "Am sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel terrible to lose her" she said "Hell no! In fact am sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad clack in the back and a pretty big hole in front too. Evrytime i used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy" The woman was so shocked to hear this that she was speechless and Joey continued. "I guess what finally finished her off was when i rented her to these for guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good but they wanted her anyway. The fools wanted to get into her all at once and she split right in the middle. So you see i dont miss her. Actually, life is better without her" And the old woman fainted. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 11:38am On Jan 05, 2011 |
V. funny. kip'em rolling. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Nobody: 9:19am On Jan 06, 2011 |
I enjoyed some of ur jokes bt i didnt enjoy most of them. Bt i stil tink u are doing a great work. Keep it up, And 4 those ppl dat cant jst be nice, it's nt compulsory to read d jokes. Mtchewww, |
| Re: Jokes Factory by shakara4u(m): 2:07pm On Jan 06, 2011 |
who ask u, mstweeeeeeee I enjoyed some of your jokes bt i [b]didnt enjoy most [/b]of them. Bt i stil tink u are doing a great work. Keep it up Okay nao, your application has been accepted. Forthwith see ur lyf?so na gateman fit me? or a gate man wat ? |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:34am On Jan 07, 2011 |
Stella OBJ died & got to heaven, stood before St.Peter at the Gates, saw a huge wall of clocks, and asked, "Why all those clocks?" He answered "those are lie-clocks. Everyone has a lie-clock. When a person lies, the hand on the clock moves." "Oh" she said "Whose clock is that?" He responded "Thats Nnamdi Azikiwe's clock. The hands have moved twice, meaning Zik told just 2 lies in his life." "Where's my husband's clock?"she asked "Obasanjo's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 9:08am On Jan 07, 2011 |
schupid joke, mtchew. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:30am On Jan 07, 2011 |
eldav: |
| Re: Jokes Factory by allabosky(m): 7:51pm On Jan 07, 2011 |
ok. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:19pm On Jan 10, 2011 |
MURPHY'S ADDITIONAL LAWS 1) Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. 2) To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy. 3) My road to success is always under construction. 4) Alcohol does not solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. 5) It's funny but In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. 6) All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else. 7) Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak. 8. Everyone has a scheme of getting rich? Which never works until you cheat. 9) If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried. 10) He who has the gold, makes the golden rules and those who don't have gold follow them. 11) Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate. 12) When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions. 13) If you have paper, you don't have a pen! If you have a pen, you don't have paper! If you have both, no one calls. 14) You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming. 15) The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom. 16) Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always flow towards the non-smoker. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by mikuz(m): 12:00pm On Jan 11, 2011 |
nice jokes |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 12:35am On Jan 14, 2011 |
An Arab national interviewed at US Embassy for visa: CONSUL: Your name, please? ARAB: Abdul Aziz CONSUL: Sex? ARAB: Every day CONSUL: I mean, male or female? ARAB: Don't matter, sometimes even camel. CONSUL: Holy cow! ARAB: Yes, cows and donkey, too. CONSUL: Man, isn't that hostile? ARAB: Hostile, dogstyle, any style. CONSUL: Oh dear! ARAB: No deer. Asshole too tight and they run fast |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 1:19am On Jan 14, 2011 |
o boy! nice one. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:44am On Jan 22, 2011 |
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A strippèr then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:50am On Jan 22, 2011 |
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. Youwant it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:47pm On Jan 31, 2011 |
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison." And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they are spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by koolchicco: 7:49pm On Jan 31, 2011 |
;d ;d ;d |
| Re: Jokes Factory by tjskii(f): 10:36pm On Jan 31, 2011 |
@phate,superfunny |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Nelson6(m): 10:15am On Feb 01, 2011 |
lol tyte stuffs, me lifeY KIP EM ROWLN IN |
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