Jokes Factory - Jokes Etc (4) - Nairaland
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| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:10am On Feb 01, 2011 |
koolchicco: Lol.Error.   Nelson**: Thanks bro  tjskii: Thanks Sunshine. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 6:34am On Feb 02, 2011 |
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt whenthe signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?" The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!" Kai |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:13am On Feb 02, 2011 |
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Nelson6(m): 9:57am On Feb 02, 2011 |
buahahaahahhah this is da bomb, the judge collected the bribe lolz |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:07am On Feb 22, 2011 |
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:34am On Feb 22, 2011 |
Bible Salesman *** A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out. After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?" "W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:35am On Feb 22, 2011 |
Who's Job is it? **** This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:37am On Feb 22, 2011 |
A Blonde's New Job *** A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 4:38am On Feb 22, 2011 |
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| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 1:46pm On Feb 24, 2011 |
During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer. The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free. The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free. At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:25pm On Feb 24, 2011 |
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by eldav(m): 2:32pm On Feb 24, 2011 |
nice! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by izystount: 2:43pm On Feb 24, 2011 |
nice jokes  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 2:44pm On Feb 24, 2011 |
Thanks! More to come. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 7:55am On Feb 25, 2011 |
Family Definitions ** Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren. Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator. Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots. Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her. Child -- a lump bred up in darkness. Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother. Uncle -- a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him. Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted. Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her. Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble. Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments. Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass. Lol ; |
| Re: Jokes Factory by snthesis(m): 12:00pm On Feb 25, 2011 |
nice |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:09am On Feb 26, 2011 |
Thanks!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 11:10am On Feb 26, 2011 |
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes , to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far, " |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:00pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:03pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by jjeeff(m): 9:06pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
Doing what,  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:14pm On Feb 26, 2011 |
A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car." The shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees. "137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right," says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep. The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you." says the shepherd. "If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep." "Done," says the driver "You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Bloody hell! How did you guess?" "Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 1:40pm On Mar 03, 2011 |
hehe |
| Re: Jokes Factory by koolchicco: 7:18pm On Mar 03, 2011 |
Hehehehehe  |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:51am On Mar 09, 2011 |
A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out. After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?" "W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:55am On Mar 09, 2011 |
A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked. "Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly. "Look, I'll give you a raise." "No," she said. "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason.Tell me." "Okay if you must know, " said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you, " Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha, my dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too, " "Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well." |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 9:59am On Mar 09, 2011 |
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:01am On Mar 09, 2011 |
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says to the tattoo artist, "Do you tattoo joysticks?" The tattoo artist looks confused and says, "It's a pretty difficult thing and very painful, but if you really want one you need to justify the reason." The man looks at the tattoo artist and says, "I want a tattoo of a One Hundred dollar bill on my penis. I have three good reasons for this, too." The tattoo artist isn't convinced and asks the man for his reasons. The man replies, "First, I like to handle all of my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. Third, and most importantly, when my wife asks me for a hundred bucks to blow on shopping, I can tell her she can blow a hundred bucks right here at home!" |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 10:05am On Mar 09, 2011 |
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. |
| Re: Jokes Factory by Phate07(m): 8:07pm On Mar 18, 2011 |
 ;d ;d ;d |
| Re: Jokes Factory by yinkalink(f): 9:41pm On Mar 18, 2011 |
Lovely collektn! |
| Re: Jokes Factory by shakara4u(m): 5:39pm On Mar 22, 2011 |
nyc ones buddy |
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