Papanwamaikpe:
I have one already

Thanks man

Papanwamaikpe:
I have one already

I mean a good job

Charleys:
You are still another girlfriend to his brother and when your time comes you will leave.

Your husband needs to talk to him and tell him that you are a different person that you are not his other girlfriends that he brings to the house, maybe he still has that mentality.

I stayed in my brother's house for two years I no even behave like this. I dey look for how to impress make madam no vex influence brother (through sex) make him comot me for house

I saw ladies come and go but when this particular one came no be person tell me to behave. Now they're married. If I want to go stay there for two weeks they'll still beg me not to go home because my record there no one has broken. Not even her relatives.

You are a wise man.

GOD bless you with peace in your home as you gave another peace in their home while you were there.

Iseeeeeee

Nnemuka:

I mean a good job

Your definition of a good job

Madam this isn't a big issue. The only thing I find not called for is the fact that he drop the dishes anyhow he wants. Tell him to clean up when his don shikena

pocohantas:


Not only akwa Iboms, growing I knew a lot of aunties that you dare not enter their kitchen and they were not from Akwa Ibom. Come be to dish from their pot. I don't know why some people are acting woke here, whereas their mothers dished for them and they picked from the eldest to the youngest- in that order.

Some women don't care, some do. Their different sentiments to kitchen and private places shouldn't be discarded.

OP should simply tell him her kitchen is personal to her. Not too late to address issues.

I was not going to address the rightness of the OP's BIL going to the pot because of individual differences however I am amused at a lot of the answers.

Growing up, I never entered people's pots except when:

1. I cooked the food
2. I am given express permission to serve myself.

Whatever sha.

victorian:





Wow! Really?

So u are ready to cut off from your mom and sisters because u are married?


Na WA o

May God help men whose wives are planning to isolate them from their families.

Too bad

Same God who told men to leave their families and cleave to their wives?

iliyande:


In Africa, we are used to each other.... We don't run away from our relations. Relocate to obodo ibo where even when one dies no one knows... Here our relatives are so important to us...
Two of my relatives are presently with me and I sponsor them and my wife is not complaining about it

Good for you, do you live in a self con with those 2 relatives??
Are you recently married?
The dynamics are always different.

You would have seen 'New couple ' in my posts.


Inlaws should stop living with new couples,most times they are still trying to get on their feet financially and in other ways ( maybe by the time they are far older, they would be able to tolerate their excesses) it always leads to issues.


I have never gone to my Sister in laws pot to dish food except given permission or I cooked the food, even as a lady.

I dont support long term visits the technicalities are too much abeg,

People are saying ordinary food, do we know their budget??

Food is not ordinary in NIgeria anymore.

Some inlaws are just impossible
What I hate about some us they will see that their brother and the wife are managing one room but still they will want to stay
Making the woman uncomfortable in the house and if she talk is problem.

Charleys:


Why should he leave his family. I thought the wife is part of the man's family too.
The wife is married into that family. As a matter of fact it's the wife that's suppose leave her family not the other way round.

Are you a Christian?

That should have been my first point of discussion.

It is Nigerian culture that a wife marries into a man's family.

Scripturally, a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife and they form one flesh....

The Bible also tells us to honor our parents so ideally, no parent is left hanging

The new couple forming a new branch take care of their families as one represented either as the husband or wife.

So, neither families (husband or wife) can claim it is their brother's house or sister's house.

They respect the rules of the couple and not claim 'rights'. The couple in turn host them and make their stay comfortable.

This also means there is no 'your sister is sick', 'your mother needs money' etc. There is also no 'we only send money to your mother' etc. The couple review the needs of their extended family together and attend to them in the order of priority irrespective of who it is.

When the couple needs help, they also present a unified front to their family and request for help.

One of the major reasons people want to drag their family individually is because they are afraid they would need them when either of the spouse misbehaves.
'oh! Suck up to your in-laws so that when your husband misbehaves or changes, you can have your in-laws' support'.

How about we teach husbands and wives to be the best they can so that in-laws can take their rightful place at the back seat?

If anyone is not interested in doing marriage the Christian way, don't bother with 'Church/White wedding'.

Even in the vows, you state that you forsake all others etc. etc.

The truth is that in-laws would relate with a spouse the way their child treats that spouse.

Cc: victorian, Meeyankee.

Uniquekriss:
die there na. Do we start clapping for you that u were a good boy-man to your brother's wife? Better go and think of how to own your own home make others begin come. Once bros is married, u as a man should limit your visit, if u go don't spend more than 2days to retain your respect cos no matter how much your brother loves u, when gbege[s][/s] burst ehhhn, your bro would stand by his wife

There's something I would have said to you now but if I say it. You'll always remember it till the day you die. So let me not say it for peace to reign.

bukatyne:


Same God who told men to leave their families and cleave to their wives?

Leave families and cleave to wife, doesn't mean cut off completely from one's family forever and cleave to one's partner. Leave means to move out of from the family home and create a new family wit ones partner not outright cut off.

Sighs I was once engaged 18years ago and my ex wanted just me and him all alone. He doesn't want my only brother or mom near his home but his own family can come visit and sleep over. I felt lost, I felt alone, his obsessive love was not enough to make me happy. I was very young back then. I felt he was very wicked trying to cut me off from my family. And that singular act with other things that followed broke us up.

I can't cut off my mom and only brother, hell no.

In fact it's unhealthy telling anyone who has close ties with their parents and siblings to cut off from them.

Now my parents and sibling is no more. And It hurts. I envy people with moms and siblings. They don't know what the have around them, until they loose them to the hands of death. No need cutting off from your families, don't worry Death will take them away naturally from you. Just be patient and try to make use of any quality time u have to love and care for them.

They will definitely leave one day through death. So women and men making all efforts to cut off their spouses from their parents and siblings. Relax, they will die one day.

As most of y'all, don't want to see your parents again immediately y'all get married. Please be patient wit them. They will die one day and y'all will be free from their pestering and visits.



Sighs, people sef


If God ask me to mention only one thing I want in this life next, is God please bring back my lovely mother and brother. Bring them back to me, that's all I want in this life I miss them like mad.


And some people are trying all their best to cut off and alienate themselves from their parents.

Na wa o.

All these wahala ladies, you have entered and in less than 3 months you have started finding faults. Its your type that drives a huge wedge between a man and his family.
I am sure if you know that young man will become Dangote tomorrow you will even offer him your kitchen to occupy.
Leave the young man alone, he will not be with you forever, don't create enmity where there is none. Imagine also saying he doesn't greet you, if he doesn't greet you greet him first it doesn't take nothing from you.
You are at a stage where you should be building bridges and getting to know you husband's family but here you are trying to burn bridges. Work on yourself Dammit.

victorian:





Leave families and cleave to wife, doesn't mean cut off completely from one's family forever and cleave to one's partner. Leave means to move out of from the family home and create a new family wit ones partner not outright cut off.

Sighs I was once engaged 18years ago and my ex wanted just me and him all alone. He doesn't want my only brother or mom near his home but his own family can come visit and sleep over. I felt lost, I felt alone, his obsessive love was not enough to make me happy. I was very young back then. I felt he was very wicked trying to cut me off from my family. And that singular act with other things that followed broke us up.

I can't cut off my mom and only brother, hell no.

In fact it's unhealthy telling anyone who has close ties with their parents and siblings to cut off from them.

Now my parents and sibling is no more. And It hurts. I envy people with moms and siblings. They don't know what the have around them, until they loose them to the hands of death. No need cutting off from your families, don't worry Death will take them away naturally from you. Just be patient and try to make use of any quality time u have to love and care for them.

They will definitely leave one day through death. So women and men making all efforts to cut off their spouses from their parents and siblings. Relax, they will die one day.

As most of y'all, don't want to see your parents again immediately y'all get married. Please be patient wit them. They will die one day and y'all will be free from their pestering and visits.



Sighs, people sef


If God ask me to mention only one thing I want in this life next, is God please bring back my lovely mother and brother. Bring them back to me, that's all I want in this life I miss them like mad.


And some people are trying all their best to cut off and alienate themselves from their parents.

Na wa o.

No where did I tell anyone to alienate or cut off themselves from their birth families.

All parties should just realize that the spouse now comes 1st.

If the spouse (husband /wife) is places first, every other thing would fall in place.

NoToPile:



Good for you, do you live in a self con with those 2 relatives??
Are you recently married?
The dynamics are always different.

You would have seen 'New couple ' in my posts.


Inlaws should stop living with new couples,most times they are still trying to get on their feet financially and in other ways ( maybe by the time they are far older, they would be able to tolerate their excesses) it always leads to issues.


I have never gone to my Sister in laws pot to dish food except given permission or I cooked the food, even as a lady.

I dont support long term visits the technicalities are too much abeg,

People are saying ordinary food, do we know their budget??

Food is not ordinary in NIgeria anymore.

Tolerance ...

Don't fight anyone because of food...

victorian:





Leave families and cleave to wife, doesn't mean cut off completely from one's family forever and cleave to one's partner. Leave means to move out of from the family home and create a new family wit ones partner not outright cut off.

Sighs I was once engaged 18years ago and my ex wanted just me and him all alone. He doesn't want my only brother or mom near his home but his own family can come visit and sleep over. I felt lost, I felt alone, his obsessive love was not enough to make me happy. I was very young back then. I felt he was very wicked trying to cut me off from my family. And that singular act with other things that followed broke us up.

I can't cut off my mom and only brother, hell no.

In fact it's unhealthy telling anyone who has close ties with their parents and siblings to cut off from them.

Now my parents and sibling is no more. And It hurts. I envy people with moms and siblings. They don't know what the have around them, until they loose them to the hands of death. No need cutting off from your families, don't worry Death will take them away naturally from you. Just be patient and try to make use of any quality time u have to love and care for them.

They will definitely leave one day through death. So women and men making all efforts to cut off their spouses from their parents and siblings. Relax, they will die one day.

As most of y'all, don't want to see your parents again immediately y'all get married. Please be patient wit them. They will die one day and y'all will be free from their pestering and visits.



Sighs, people sef


If God ask me to mention only one thing I want in this life next, is God please bring back my lovely mother and brother. Bring them back to me, that's all I want in this life I miss them like mad.


And some people are trying all their best to cut off and alienate themselves from their parents.

Na wa o.

The Lord is your strength. Touching post.

bukatyne:


Are you a Christian?

That should have been my first point of discussion.

It is Nigerian culture that a wife marries into a man's family.

Scripturally, a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife and they form one flesh....

The Bible also tells us to honor our parents so ideally, no parent is left hanging

The new couple forming a new branch take care of their families as one represented either as the husband or wife.

So, neither families (husband or wife) can claim it is their brother's house or sister's house.

They respect the rules of the couple and not claim 'rights'. The couple in turn host them and make their stay comfortable.

This also means there is no 'your sister is sick', 'your mother needs money' etc. There is also no 'we only send money to your mother' etc. The couple review the needs of their extended family together and attend to them in the order of priority irrespective of who it is.

When the couple needs help, they also present a unified front to their family and request for help.

One of the major reasons people want to drag their family individually is because they are afraid they would need them when either of the spouse misbehaves.
'oh! Suck up to your in-laws so that when your husband misbehaves or changes, you can have your in-laws' support'.

How about we teach husbands and wives to be the best they can so that in-laws can take their rightful place at the back seat?

If anyone is not interested in doing marriage the Christian way, don't bother with 'Church/White wedding'.

Even in the vows, you state that you forsake all others etc. etc.

The truth is that in-laws would relate with a spouse the way their child treats that spouse.

Cc: victorian, Meeyankee.

Which kind text book be this again? I leave you to ur believe because I have seen that you don’t want to learn.

Meeyankee:

Which kind text book be this again? I leave you to ur believe because I have seen that you don’t want to learn.

Thank you.

We do not speak the same language, how can we have a meeting point?

My 'textbook' is for Christians.

Not Nigerian Christians, not Christians by filling forms.

Christians in the actual sense of it.

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

Treat him like a your brother, talk to him but don't be in a rush about it.
Let him know it is not about you but something he needs to learn for his good as a man. Don't attack him when he does it again instead just tease him about it, you can even give him a kitchen nick name (but make sure it doesn't sound offensive to him) that will make him dislike going there again.
For now also try as much as possible to let him have enough food then slowly you start letting him to know that for the sake of his brother's progress there is need to save cost.

By the way, I hope you are not the type who don't like in-laws being around.

bukatyne:


I was not going to address the rightness of the OP's BIL going to the pot because of individual differences however I am amused at a lot of the answers.

Growing up, I never entered people's pots except when:

1. I cooked the food
2. I am given express permission to serve myself.

Whatever sha.

They are trying to form woke. It was actually the standard in lots of homes.

You see weytn “Feel at home” dey cause.

A grown man living in another grown man's married house. Chai this world don finish. Anyway broke people problem

iliyande:


Tolerance ...

Don't fight anyone because of food...

You didnt answer my question naaw

If I were your hubby and you reported my younger brother to me in that manner, first thing I would ask you is, "if he is your own brother, would you give him limitations in your kitchen"?

With the look of things, u are a wife that would turn ur Hubby's back completely to his family when u are well rooted. U lack tolerance & marriage ain't for people like that! U said ur hubby had to beg u & u reluctantly agreed for his brother to stay in the house!!! Your hubby is somewhat soft. If me, I would tell you point black my brother would always have access to me.

I just dunno what's wrong with women of nowadays. They only want their family around and hubby family are a burden to them. You don't even know if he will be the one to help your unborn children, his own nephews & nieces tomorrow. Better learn tolerance as a major course for you to see the joy of matrimony. Hubby failed to do anything about it because he was disappointed in you; he never imagined u could be policing his brother like that in his house. Yet he loves u dearly n wouldn't like to annoy u.

1StopRudeness:
Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

right

Same bros that will be managing concoction rice with palm oil going back for over feeding spree! Eh, see awful and free things good.
Cook certain amount of food, everyone eats and you wash pot!

Why do guests have to go back to the kitchen for food after eating is what i don't know. Some people are just troublesome.

My dear,I understand your frustration.It can be really annoying. Some in-laws can break marriages if your are not careful. I advice you allow your husband put his brother into order.Remind your husband again calmly about the issue since he's yet to address it.Don't confront the boy directly,to avoid issues.You have to apply wisdom when dealing with in-laws.
Be patient while you wait

1StopRudeness:
Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

I like your sense of reasoning. You just spoke my mimd. I owe you one chilled Bottle water. lol

I pray God elevate us all to the point where we won't get angry over unnecessary/material things anymore.

A time will come in one's life that when God bless you to a certain level, you begin to see things in a better and clearer perspective.

We will all get there...... (Amen).

1StopRudeness:


Oh.... u are one of those “my pot”women too ....

I don’t get how you are equating treating a human as door mat to taking food from kitchen..madam it’s just food...the way u ladies are shouting “pot is just irritating” it show control complex...and it’s not a good thing

.the guy is family for crying out loud....that’s what women like u cant bring ur mind to accommodate... ur brother inlaw is ur family.... u won’t get angry if ur own brother comes to ur kitchen at ur back... why? It’s because it’s not a big deal....so why get angry cos it’s ur inlaw...

This woman is petty and unaccommodating ... it was clear when she started ranting about ordinary greeting and spoon.....

See... my take on this issue is simple... if u are an accommodating person who sees her husband’s relative as family... this issue is no issue at all...

I am a man o! There is nothing like treating a human being as a doormat.

Imagine you're eating an English breakfast of egg and bacon

The chicken that gives you the egg is said to be merely involved in your breakfast while the pig is said to be fully committed to it.

In the marriage, the brother in law is merely involved, the brother's wife on the other is fully committed to it. The only people who should feel entitled are the husband and wife to each other.

When you feel you are entitled to nothing, that is when you are entitled. When you feel you are entitled, then you are entitled to nothing.

If the brother-in-law comes around and dashes N1,000 raw meat regularly to the pot and does not touch it when he is hungry but says he is waiting for her to come back and dish the food, will she not shout and say, ''My husband, you don't have to wait for me. You don't have to wait for your wife o! No vex me there! You know where the spoon is. Next time, just go and take it yourself''.

Your duty is to make sure your brother or sister's marriage succeed. Everything else is immaterial. That is how I treat all my sibling's marriages. Their husband's or their wives are now their number 1 and I draw the line and know my boundary. They, in turn, give me extraordinary respect.

Iwantpeace:

no pls it's not all about that! do u know when I am not around this guy does whatever he likes at home.finish everything he sees. I just came back from the market now to look for what to cook later in the afternoon. I perceived smoke in the whole house, this guy has fried yam n ate all of it, washed the plate and left the others the way I saw it. as in from 8am -12pm he has eaten 2times not even minding if I have eaten once or not. haba!!

madam u a r new in marriage. Do not get angry because of his attitudes. Ur hubby will never see anything wrong with his bro attittudes. Throway face. When u r hungry and no food, kindly ask oga for money. If he give u money for foodstuffs that will last 1 week but finished 2 days, ask again. Just keep asking.

Women and their wahala... Imagine "my pot of food"..... "My kitchen"....
And my wife always want everyone to go dish their food by themselves. She would say, "I don't know the quantity you want..."

ezugegere:
Women and their wahala... Imagine "my pot of food"..... "My kitchen"....
And my wife always want everyone to go dish their food by themselves. She would say, "I don't know the quantity you want..."

where i grew up, food were dished out and we go to pick. But as i got married, oga mum brought 5 of his siblings to live with us. That since he is in portharcourt, then he is rich.Each with their character. I was just 22 yrs old. If i dish out food, they wll complain that its small, i started adding, they complained its too much, so left the pot for them, they still complained that i ate the good part. So i allowed them eat first. Oga started complaining about his pocket. Someone earning 30k monthly. Living in self contain with 5 siblings. I was just watching d drama from a distance. When d going get tough, they no tell man say na only tough can get going. Na only him reset the rules. Left for me, let her allow d guy eat to his full