This is exactly the reason many marriages fail these days.

Not marrying who they love but marrying who is ready or just for a physical trait which may leave the person at any stated time.

This is wrong wrong to marry for such reasons.

Spits on the floor�

Girlwhocares:


He's highly intelligent which is a great turn on for me in any relationship,we never dated,but we were good friends!
The issue of us getting married was as a result of making his intention known to my people which they accepted all cos he was a good guy whom my mum said he knows he will never treat me wrong!
Yes,i accepted to marry him not for love cos all through our friendship i never see us as lovers but i thought i will overcome all the anxieties and will grow to love him as we grow together(what my mum made me understand)now
I have been struggling with feelings of loving him and its isnt just adding up.

Simple way to solve this issue.


You people should start fucking

Bleep in the morning, Bleep afternoon and evening for two weeks

Thank me later.

You guys lack good and sweet sex that's all.

Your husband is a dull man, you can't stay with me and I no go Bleep your pussy out if I am to be a man.

And yet your in my house.

Good sex is the booster of love.

Make ona start to dey Bleep jor

daddytime:
Yet, another.

Madam, there is nothing anyone on here (a faceless forum) can advise you that'd matter any, or have any meaningful impact on your sham marriage because, from the get-go, you knew love was non-existent amongst anything else that must have attracted him to you.

You knew how you felt about him during courtship, into marriage, and up until now. I'm very certain that the only thing that had changed has been a progression in how much he disgusts you.

�

I feel so sorry for the poor naive man. He is indeed naive and a mugu. If he wasn't the previous and the latter, trust me when I say, even someone who was blind, deaf and mute, would be just too sensitive to the much hate you have and exhibit for this poor man.

On a side note, does anyone notice how relationships are gradually losing everything relationship about them?

The good old heart2heart or tete a tete between lovers and couples is being daily trashed on the alter of social media, where people now come to bare their minds on issues bordering on their lives and well beings, while hoping to get advised or validation from complete strangers who have zero to no idea how it truly seats with them on the whole.

Everything for the life just dey get k-leg dey go anyhow...

Na wa

You spoke my mind. Nice one

Goldencheese:


You deserve a hug for this. Love is a decision. It's not a whim, a fantasy, just a feeling, just an emotion....but a lot of people don't even know it. Someone even mentioned that why should the OP be in a relationship with someone for 15 years. Her ex must be wicked. OP, you sound like a good woman...happiness is not something you get from others, it flows from the inside out...

Thanks @Dyt.

The moment people realize that love is a decision, the better for them. Many naive ones feels it's just a feeling one has.

Girlwhocares:


I have opened up to two counsellors to seek for their professional therapy but they ended up been biased and sentimental,hence their involvement was fruitless.

However,there's no harm in trying another therapist who will more professional in his/her dealings.

Thank you so much for the suggestions and i will surely look into it.

Don't go alone. Go with your husband. You'll be amazed at the feedback.

My good friend this is not the right place to resolve or get good and sound advice on this your issues, but let me give you some steps to take.

First remember that for all have sinned so forgive yourself I means yourself not him all sins and tell your self right now I am ready and willing to live my life as a married woman.

Secondly park all your items I means all your things, do Not keep any thing in that your single mother's room and move it to your husband room in his absent and do some other special things like cook some good food for the family and wait for him in the room and as moments he enter call him sweet name and tells him that you are now ready to be his wife

Thirdly make commitments to God in prayer and yourself, husband as well as your child. To be a good wife and mother while you prayer for the the grace of God read 2 cor 12 vs 9

The last but not the least always pray and eat together as one family.

May God helps you through Christ our lord Amen

BlogRabbit:
This is exactly the reason many marriages fail these days.

[s]Not marrying who they love but marrying who is ready[/s] or just for a physical trait which may leave the person at any stated time.

This is wrong wrong to marry for such reasons.

Spits on the floor�

The problem is NOT MARRYING WHO THEY ARE COMMITTED TO STAYING WITH FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Love is a decision you make, it's not a feeling. When you are committed to staying with someone for life, you stay put and make it work even when the feeling of attraction isn't that strong.

Girlwhocares:
Please help me, I'm loosing my sanity everyday!
I'm scared to open up to friends and families because of what they will think or how disappointed or bad I will make them feel, also I'm afraid people will be judgemental about my actions.

I'm not physically and emotional connected with my husband which is affecting our marriage and my well-being, we live as co-tenant, we hardly have any conversation, we do things differently, we share different rooms, no sex for the past 3 years! Even during courtship and the fist two years of marriage I can account for days we were intimate.

Things are fallen out of place everyday, we have a child together who will be 4yrs and the thought of having another child has not crossed my mind.

I get irritated at everything, I hardly show appreciation towards him even if it means he has done his best, which later i will find myself guilty and try to make up but the spark and connection isn't just there.

Most times, I have a non-challant attitude towards him and everything he does to make me happy.

I feel lonely, bored and incomplete even when I'm 90% sure my husband loves me and always ready to make me happy.

I feel awkward communicating my feelings and thoughts to him because I know I might flare up with anger even when he hasn't done or said anything to warrant it.

Please I have come to this faceless forum to pour out my mind, my heart is heavy, I need someone to talk to, I'm afraid my personal intention of walking out this marriage even when my husband hasn't done anything to deserve this might backfire and has its negative effect on our child.

I honestly don't need anyone to insult me please as I'm going through a lot. All i need is mature married wo(men) opinions

Thank you for your time.

You really need God intervention. Pray yourself out. Learn how to love your husband.

Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected

nothing is wrong it's all centered around u, you are the sole proprietorship of your problem with your husband, and trust me he's only giving you time and he's hurting.. I beg you don't turn him crazy. If you had tried to make this work Which clearly isn't call him and make it clear to him you never loved him truthfully, and which you are really trying to but you not just capable of loving him. Stop wasting his time pls and yours, but madam think it real deep, the problem you having is your ex I pray this won't destroy you, you were blessed with happiness but your thought and mind are both getting it all wrong, worried about your child but who told you your child is not feeling the heat already. For your husband not to have disturb you for the past 3years also, trust me he's already tired of all the bullshit just waiting on your decision. Better you make one right now.. leave him or save your marriage orelse you will only become toxic and unproductive, your man is already hating you. He's just feeling bad about coming into your life. Free him or free yourself...

For the fact that you thought of pouring out your mind on NL shows the degree of your non challant attitude towards your marital life.
This isn't a good and ultimate channel, if truly you want a lasting solution to your challenge.
Your family, friend and religious leaders are to be consulted.

This is a wicked woman.

May God save us from wicked women.

She held on to the marriage, punishing the guy, daily draining his love and refusing him the intimacy he deserves. It has been 3 years of frustrating him, creating and maintaining the distance between you guys.

Wicked woman. Perhaps you’re waiting for him to cheat so you can justify your wickedness. You go wait tire.

Leave him so that you can go back to your ex or anyone else; but just leave him abeg. He deserves a wife, not a roommate.

healthserve:



You no go believe. Do you know one of the reasons she's doing this ? Whatbif i told you what she didnt put out the remaining part?

I used to becareful too however not with wicked people

Please tell us the reason. Let young men here learn

you don't want insult but you just ridicule someone son, someone father here selfish lady


why go in marriage with the man if you're not attracted to him? why exploit his emotions to your own advantage because is obvious it was your age that made you to be desperate to go in marriage with him


a man you married didn't sex you for 3yrs? but why some men like that? I swear dem no born my fiancé well to tell me not to sex her for 2weeks.


you're mentally unbalanced, you only need a psychological traits because another man will suffered the same fate in your hand.


you're a misandry kind of person, there is no how any marriage will work with you

healthserve:




Evil wicked bitter soul. Why not divorce and go with your side fvck mates than subject a human to your witchcraft

Pure witchcraft!

Manipulation is filthy but this is even filthier. She is withholding the love she swore to give her husband, yet she refused to leave him alone. 3 years! Such a wicked woman.

Girlwhocares:


He's highly intelligent which is a great turn on for me in any relationship,we never dated,but we were good friends!
The issue of us getting married was as a result of making his intention known to my people which they accepted all cos he was a good guy whom my mum said he knows he will never treat me wrong!
Yes,i accepted to marry him not for love cos all through our friendship i never see us as lovers but i thought i will overcome all the anxieties and will grow to love him as we grow together(what my mum made me understand)now
I have been struggling with feelings of loving him and its isnt just adding up.

Please read this carefully as many times as you need to, to understand.

Love is not a matter of the emotions. It is a matter of the will.

From your narrative, it seems you have a good man. You have what most women will kill to have, a loving husband and a peaceful home.

Tell yourself in your mind that you love your husband very much and picture yourself loving him for everything he does.

Do this simple exercise at least every morning before you get up from bed and last thing at night before you go to sleep.

Make sure you do this constantly, at least twice everyday. You can also do it during the day, as frequent as you can manage.

Don't worry if you don't feel anything emotional at first. Just don't stop. Keep doing this. Set a target for yourself, say, 6months to a year to see the difference.

Come back and tell us the good news.

Remember,

1. We do not value what we have until we lose it.

2. Love is not emotions, it is will.

All the best.

machiavelli95:


Please tell us the reason. Let young men here learn

So you don't know that the woman's ex is knacking her steady abi? Lol. That is the only reason she isn't feeling this marriage of hers

Marriage I not by force... don't marry due to others are getting married! sometimes wonder why, especially in black African countries,,,,, that marriage is going them crazy in aspect of our ladies.. Instead of divorce, don't marry. As for the complaint, no advise will heal your marriage, you gat what it take to make your family workable or not workable. So the choice is yours. It's left for you to divorce or stay and build your home

Op..u might be under a spell probably from ur ex.. I will advise u to visit a powerful man of God or a renowned native doctor but if after that it doesn't still work then u have to take the bold step and divorce ur husband then move on with life.. No need to waste more time cos u re not getting any younger... Please do the needful and release that innocent man(ur husband) for better women who deserves him

ityP:



So you don't know that the woman's ex is knacking her steady abi? Lol. That is the only reason she isn't feeling this marriage of hers

I was suspecting spiritual husband. I've similarly seen a case like this. The man would literally get knocked off the bed and also experience serious as luck whenever he sleeps with his wife. Moreover, the wife had zero attraction for the husband.

Ishilove:
Op what was that special reason that made you accept his marriage proposal in the first place?


Start from there first.

is finances
Nothing more!
Haven't you heard
Women are only path with those that can bear their financial burden and never love.
Thereby making the innocent husband a workhorse.
No wonder that girl Pocochant always address men as horseband. These folks are just nothing but selfish and callous just to say the least.

Vortex369:
@ Girlwhocares

I really am worried how people babysit you on this forum when all you need to learn on how to make your marriage works lie in more than a Gospel Truth.

Here comes my 'more than Gospel Truth' and you deserve it:

You think too highly of yourself, you believe the world revolves around your own happiness. It is silly of you to conjure up this image of your type of man. It is a world of fantasy and smart people know it is nothing but fantasy.

You believe in your heart that he is not your type, and you keep fantasizing about your type in such a manner that you are ready to go down on sex with boys who can not clean the floor that your husband walks, because because they are your type. Those boys you sleep with do not have to do anything to make you like them. You just foolishly like them, cos they are your type. It is not shameful, it is a worrisome case of mentality so disordered by expectation of what should have been that you have lost touch with what is.

I want to repeat that line;

You have lost touch with what is, while your mind is fixated on the framework of what should have been - a fantasy image built on a particular structure of the body and lifestyle that you have totally forgotten that you are married. You are ready to behave single and lie about your marital status and diet to look for ever young because you live in denial. You are hoping someday you will be with your type for ever. A silly fantasy that dies when you realize that you may not be the type of lady for your type of man. When you meet your type of man, are you really his type of woman? mostly no, so the table turns, and you begin to face the Karma you put your husband through. Because obviously, he is also a slave of your type of woman.

Do you want my advise?

No, you have already made up your mind and it is fixated on the frame work of 'your type of man'. But what will give that mind set a hard reset is called 'Disappointment and Heartbreak and Insult' from exposure to the world out there, where there is no protection, no mercy, and definately no loving man who loves you sheepishly and foolishly than the man you have.

He is suffering and too ashamed to tell people how much his own wife hates him and he is helpless because he has not made up his mind.

The day he decides to mix up and share his suffering. He will be liberated, he just does not know what great life he is missing on an account of a mentally deranged woman who is suffering from chronic bipolar disorder engineered by thoughts of what could have been as opposed to what is.

You are not a married woman, because you are obviously in denial. But remember, some day, you will grow old, and lack the love you failed to give to someone who loves you. The Universe is savvy. We programmed it with a reward mechanism.

Solution:
1. Meditation - Stop inputs from all 5 sense organs and be left with your Thoughts alone for 1hr each day.
Watch your thoughts go through the memories and projections of your mind and delete the disgusts you feel for your husband and replace hem with what you love about him, cos you will find that your thoughts are mostly negative. No one can do this for you. This is epigenetics.

2. You are not your thoughts, start using the reticular activating system to replace your 'type of man' image with your husband's image during visualization and contemplation and the fabric of your universe will output that within 30 days of the exercise.

3. Invite your dream master every night to show you the progress on your simulated visualization through dreams and recommend steps to open up your heart chakra for unconditional love for all lives including most importantly your husband.

4. Surrender to the Pilot of your Avatar and seek realignment of your Soul within your husband soul group if you want to be with him.

OR Simply walk away and leave that innocent man to a new girl who will love him unconditionally.

I do not like people like you. So, do not thank me. But if you need my assistance, I can guide you out of your valley of darkness.

what are your qualifications to give this type of unrealistic advice

ityP:



The moment people realize that love is a decision, the better for them. Many naive ones feels it's just a feeling one has.

I am just giving you a standing ovation where I am now. With this mentality, haa, you will go far, scaling multiple, multiple heights.

Have an amazing day and awesome life ahead of you.

Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected

sorry for poke nosing... I intended on reading and moving before I saw this comment... ma, u are already married, not to the 4years guy, but to the 15years guy. just leave the former cos even ur child will not forgive u if u allow his dad to continue to be starved of love. The earlier the better, you can only make this work by leaving that marriage and set the man free... I am not a divorce advocate but yes, u have been married before ur parents married u out.

Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected

please go and watch this movie called temptation

machiavelli95:


I was suspecting spiritual husband. I've similarly seen a case like this. The man would literally get knocked off the bed and also experience serious as luck whenever he sleeps with his wife. Moreover, the wife had zero attraction for the husband.

There is nothing like spiritual husband. Which bible verse mentions anything that suggests spiritual husband? It's cheating and nothing else

Girlwhocares:


He's highly intelligent which is a great turn on for me in any relationship,we never dated,but we were good friends!
The issue of us getting married was as a result of making his intention known to my people which they accepted all cos he was a good guy whom my mum said he knows he will never treat me wrong!
Yes,i accepted to marry him not for love cos all through our friendship i never see us as lovers but i thought i will overcome all the anxieties and will grow to love him as we grow together(what my mum made me understand)now
I have been struggling with feelings of loving him and its isnt just adding up.

Since your mum seems to already know you had no feelings for him(reason she told you that you would grow to love him?), I suggest you talk to your mum. Sit her down privately and speak at length with her. She needs to know what's going on with you and how it's been/how you feel. I'm assuming she is one of those mums who wouldn't scold you or shout on you but will listen calmly.
Secondly, if you have a spiritual figure(a true Christian couple whose marriage have stood the long test of time and are trustworthy), you can share with them.
It's always healthy to let out(to the right people) what's troubling you so one doesn't end up falling into depression.
Third, you could visit a marriage councillor with your mum.
Note: don't try in any way to hide anything when asked questions. Be truthful and say your true feelings. That's the way you will get the right help. And you need to get this help fast...so start the process.

Many comment amazed me. Some even said family members and religious leaders are to be consulted. However, I regard them as third parties in marriage. I undertand your feeling my dear. You must understand that the success of your venture is a product of your decision.

Alot of thing were wrong from tue beginning in that you didnt love him, yet you married him. Secondly, you shared different rooms in the same house as Husband and wife who re just 4year in marriage. Thirdly, you ve not had sex in the last 3years, you also said you re irritated by his presence which may be why you decline sex if he even comes for a good time to share with you. I am convinced there is a lot you say in this your post.

If you think there is a way out of that marriage, I am very sorry to disaapoint you. you will only end up having a son who lack proper parental upbringing.

Having said all this as a married man with kids, i will really love to talk to you on this matter. If you re in Abuja, i will be glad to book an appointment with you. kindly send your number to me on 08036000276. Have a great week.

DO YOU LOVE HIM?
If yes then be shameless and be the CAPTAIN in this "situationSHIP".

Offer to sleep in his room, use any excuse, try washing comedy skits with him, "oh honey see this, Nasty Black is so funny" when you watch it together you must laugh together.

Don't be too formal with him, change the name you call him, call him a lovely but very funny name, genuinely ask of his friends, family, etc

CARE FOR HIM; especially his sexual needs because if he is not getting it from you then he is getting it from outside and its all your fault.


Try to be really attracted to him, find reasons to and if after months you still don't see him as you should then bounce.

Another thing, everyone is blaming just you but that should not be the case, you both have your faults.

Girlwhocares:
Please help me, I'm loosing my sanity everyday!
I'm scared to open up to friends and families because of what they will think or how disappointed or bad I will make them feel, also I'm afraid people will be judgemental about my actions.

I'm not physically and emotional connected with my husband which is affecting our marriage and my well-being, we live as co-tenant, we hardly have any conversation, we do things differently, we share different rooms, no sex for the past 3 years! Even during courtship and the fist two years of marriage I can account for days we were intimate.

Things are fallen out of place everyday, we have a child together who will be 4yrs and the thought of having another child has not crossed my mind.

I get irritated at everything, I hardly show appreciation towards him even if it means he has done his best, which later i will find myself guilty and try to make up but the spark and connection isn't just there.

Most times, I have a non-challant attitude towards him and everything he does to make me happy.

I feel lonely, bored and incomplete even when I'm 90% sure my husband loves me and always ready to make me happy.

I feel awkward communicating my feelings and thoughts to him because I know I might flare up with anger even when he hasn't done or said anything to warrant it.

Please I have come to this faceless forum to pour out my mind, my heart is heavy, I need someone to talk to, I'm afraid my personal intention of walking out this marriage even when my husband hasn't done anything to deserve this might backfire and has its negative effect on our child.

I honestly don't need anyone to insult me please as I'm going through a lot. All i need is mature married wo(men) opinions

Thank you for your time.

If u are in Lagos go and see pastor Kingsley okonkwo (of David Christian center) if u are in main land its at fagbems amuwo odofin (thats close to festac) if u are on the island its at elegushi (close to meadow hall) u can see him after church service, I understand how u feel but first u have to close the door on ur ex, kill the feeling you have for him first, without that there is nothing you will do on this earth that will make ur marriage work, its a must do cos u are married now that's the reality face it, first block his numbers from reaching you. Two prayer go in ur knees and watch God do his, no time is late, u can love ur husband, start by calling him sweet names, take him out don't talk about ur marriage when u guys are out unless u want to start another fight, do things u love together with him, eat on the same table with him, close that gap between u guys, communicate more be the one to bring up topics, don't pick offense, start controlling ur inner mind thanks

If you dated someone for 15 yrs, I doubt there would be anyone you would be more comfortable staying with... It's unfortunate it didn't work out... You never can tell if it would have been rosy with this 15yrs guy, but I would expect that even if you guys quarrel you could easily make up, but marriage is an unfamiliar terrain full of surprises one can't always be too sure... You must be angry at your dad but you never know what he saw.... Except it had to do with finances then you can say he was wrong because anybody can become rich tomorrow...

Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected

Seek deliverance from a true Man of God. You have a strong case of a spiritual husband, only deliverance can make you enjoy your marriage. Thanks

This is the best advice, stick with this @Op.

babythug:
Your situation is less tricky to manage since the bulk of the issues are with you!

I am aware that many people were or are in arranged marriages where there was no love at first. In some cases feelings grew in other it never did but some of these couples learnt to live together in peace.

Only you can determine if you’d ever open your heart to this fellow, if you cannot only you can ultimately determine whether you want to put yourself and him out of the misery.

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side, single parenthood or starting after in a new marriage doesn’t always work for all of us.

I’d say to you to pace yourself and give some time to enhance or develop the relationship and see if your feelings change.

Be more tolerating, accepting and accommodating.
Try to reach out more to build a bond, chats via texts beyond running the household matters, genuinely seek to bond with him. You can also make the first move towards se.x.
Take more care with his meals, just be truly pleasant .

If in six months your feelings don’t change then at least you’d know for certain the next steps!

Good luck