This thread highlights the irresponsibility found in Nigerian men.
No sympathy for the poor woman. Just spewing rubbish to maintain their psuedo Alpha male status.

It shows you'd Live your kids to rot in distress if you were in similar situations.
Wicked people.

AroOkigbo:

It's a favour bro. As a young unmarried man, will you marry a lady with 2 kids?
It's easier said than don.

Single ladies never see husband finish, e come be after two.

Gbam ....very correct

yvelchstores:
sorry for all you are going through. I don't think it's fair on your part. Your husband is making babies through you, why do i say this? Because you already have a son and a daughter. This would not have been an issue if he accepted them as you both agreed! Now your son is about to be homeless! You were deceived by that man because I know no mother will accept this current situation. Since you foot70% of the bills, you would have been better off with your son and daughter alone. You chose marriage cos you don't want to be alone, now your son is almost homeless. You are bearing even more children for him, my own is this, PUT A CLOSE EYE ON YOUR DAUGHTER SO HE DOESNT EVER MOLEST HER. If her elder brother was in same house, she would have been protected. Madam, do something!

I suspect this two monikers.
If you know you know

Vyvyanvyvy

yvelchstores

Vyvyanvyvy:

I know his people and family house because I stayed with them when he left for Italy. I left the house when my daughter was 2 weeks because of the maltreatment I had received from his mother and sisters. I don’t know where you guys are getting all these informations about not knowing my children father house or people?

This is what you initially said:
He will be 12 years in August , my daughter is 6 years, I have one daughter for my husband she is 2 years and I’m pregnant with another one. Their father is not in Nigeria and I don’t have his contact or his siblings. Yes I have a grocery shop I foot 70% bills in my house

Vyvyanvyvy:

Yes I got married 3 years ago and I had 2 children from previous relationship , one with my husband and I’m pregnant with another

What i think is that the issue has to do with your almost grown up son vis-à-vis your husband's little daughter. He does not want his little daughter molested. Ask him properly, he will tell you his mind.

Oyindidi:
I'll rather leave that Godforsaken marriage. My son stays with me or I leave that man

I like ur stance. Na ur type i wan marry. U kw why? They think abt family first b4 anything else. Keep it up woman.

Vyvyanvyvy:

He is not in Nigeria

Still call him and send the boy to him

Jman06:
Because you chose to bed non virgins. Those who seek virgins get them! I already have one I'll be getting married to

How and where did you find yours. I'm married

Anyways my advice is this :

First it's always a messy situation being a baby mama or having kids out of wedlock and getting remarried to another man. The situation is always messy and the children from the first man suffers.

Secondly it's hard to tame a thief, be it boy or girl. I know how pissed and angry I feel whenever I realise there is a thief in my class and the worst I can do is talk talk talk, then keep an open peeled detective eyes on people I suspect. It can be very stressful. It's not easy making a thief to stop stealing and they usually have recruit. I don't blame the second man for not accepting such burden. For it is a huge burden to live with at home.

Then my advice, op simply rescue your son and try train him properly. You made a huge mistake allowing relatives to train him. Now they've spoilt him and are so quickly to throw him away. That's life for you.
Rescue the boy, take him to boarding school. Although boarding school will worsen his case, cause no one will be there to train him character wise. He may end up as an armed robber due to friends he might mingle with in school.

So the difficult thing is choose between your husband and your children.

You just have to choose
But remember if u don't choose your son? He may end being a thorn in your flesh later on In life.

I wonder how women get to become babymamas for different men. Honestly I wonder .
It doesn't end well. That's the truth except u dedicate your lives to the kids and forget marriage.

May God help u.

Vyvyanvyvy:

Yes I will bring him on Sunday and let him
Do his worst. I cannot allow my son to suffer whyle I’m still alive and healthy

No, do not go the way of force. You see, there are two options: (1) opt out of the marriage and stay single caring for your children or (2) stay with your husband and humbly get his yes.

I had a boy living with me that I have to send back to his mother. I took him up after his father death. I could see clearly he want to stay with his mother, siblings and grandparents. In fact, any time I pick up his book to check, for every letter, the name of one or more village friends and family will appear. I put him in computer school, every assignment and design has the same colouration. He later start misbehaving (stealing, staying out, etc.). I have to call his mother to come and take him. To your son, just like the boy, I am very sure, he will change when he reunite with you and his sister.

The solution is to greese your husband ego and get him agree for him to come to live with you. Your new husband has the right to protect his family from bad influence, only that your son bad attitude was conditional and can be reversed with love in the shortest possible period of time.

To to your husband, appeal to him and stop the attitude of I pay 70% of the bill, it wouldn't solve the problem. Let your husband knows that your son is a good boy and assure him that he will not be a bad influence to his sisters/brothers. Seek his understanding to give him a chance and proof your assertion right or wrong.

Seriously, your husband concerned is genuine and should not be or take lightly. Let us put the issue of whether he is the father or not to one side. Personally, if one of my children start displaying bad attitude and behaviour, First thing is to try my best in put him/her to the right path, if my best is not enough, I will have to find a suitable place to take him to so as not to influence his/her siblings. That doesn't mean I abandoned, hate or don't care for the child but I was finding a better place that will change his/her future for better. We have cases where parents take their bad behaved child to live with pastors, imams or we'll displined members of the family. Sometimes send them to missionary oor military schools away from the home and siblings.

Please take things easy, find peace and most importantly support your efforts with prayers.

Vyvyanvyvy:

Yes I will bring him on Sunday and let him
Do his worst. I cannot allow my son to suffer whyle I’m still alive and healthy

Also, you could put him in a boarding house by September if you can afford that & if it's okay by you, then he stays with you during holidays.

MadeMan01:


How and where did you find yours. I'm married

Through my mother in the village

dalass:
The boy at this stage is exhibiting traits all teenage boys go through and if your elder brother can't control him to the extent that he wants him to leave, don't expect your man to want the boy in his house.

As Africans, your first man can come for his boy anytime. No one would want to labour over another man's kids. As soon as he comes to live with you and hubby, your husband becomes a part of his life automatically.....Am sure his family and friends would advise him against such.

Woman, pray hard first!

Then on your knees, with a pitiful look and very low voice plead with your husband for a few years.... 3-4 year stay with you people.. Your boy should be in JS3 or so, so 3 years to WAEC.. Then pls give it all it takes to enter higher institution...Then, he's home free
..has little or no business coming home
.

Or boarding school! Yes...he's only home for the holidays and then back to school... There are even some Christian home schools who still have students stay back during holidays... Find out about those and put him there if your husband doesn't shift ground.

Don't allow the boy run away.. Act fast, so you don't blame yourself and he doesn't blame you too

I must say everyone on NL is feeling for your son. I am!

Cc: Vyvyanvyvy

oil dey your head
Best advice so far, I think everybody should stick to these words of wisdom

Vyvyanvyvy:
I had 2 children. When I got married, my husband had none and accepted them like his own children.

Before marriage, we had discussed about the children living with us after marriage but that couldn’t be possible anymore because we were having financial problem so we couldn’t afford to move to a bigger apartment. We were staying in a room self contain with my daughter while my son was staying with my elder brother and his wife.

Now three years after we had moved to a bigger house still my husband doesn’t want my son to come and live with us. At the moment my son is going through hard times. My sister in law has been maltreating him to an extent that he has been stealing, he was caught and beaten like an animal. My brother said he doesn’t want him in his house again. He wants me to come and collect him.

I pleaded with my husband for me to bring him with us but he said no, he should stay there because he doesn't want him to damage our children. I’m angry at him I stopped talking to him and I don’t know where my son will go because I have no mother no father it’s only my elder brother and kid sister even my sister who is married doesn’t want him. I’m pained and in tears seeing my only son suffering while I’m still alive and I’m helpless to protect him.

I just want to say thank you for understanding the root cause behind your son's behavior. Being maltreated is the worst. Pls fight for your child. I hope your husband understands and changes his mind.

Vyvyanvyvy:

I know his people and family house because I stayed with them when he left for Italy. I left the house when my daughter was 2 weeks because of the maltreatment I had received from his mother and sisters. I don’t know where you guys are getting all these informations about not knowing my children father house or people?

Vyvyanvyvy:

He will be 12 years in August , my daughter is 6 years, I have one daughter for my husband she is 2 years and I’m pregnant with another one. Their father is not in Nigeria and I don’t have his contact or his siblings. Yes I have a grocery shop I foot 70% bills in my house

I’m sorry, I read the above wrongly.
Please try to contact him and his family, they can’t just leave you to take care of the kids all by yourself. He has to be responsible for his kids too.

dalass:
The boy at this stage is exhibiting traits all teenage boys go through and if your elder brother can't control him to the extent that he wants him to leave, don't expect your man to want the boy in his house.

As Africans, your first man can come for his boy anytime. No one would want to labour over another man's kids. As soon as he comes to live with you and hubby, your husband becomes a part of his life automatically.....Am sure his family and friends would advise him against such.

Woman, pray hard first!

Then on your knees, with a pitiful look and very low voice plead with your husband for a few years.... 3-4 year stay with you people.. Your boy should be in JS3 or so, so 3 years to WAEC.. Then pls give it all it takes to enter higher institution...Then, he's home free
..has little or no business coming home
.

Or boarding school! Yes...he's only home for the holidays and then back to school... There are even some Christian home schools who still have students stay back during holidays... Find out about those and put him there if your husband doesn't shift ground.

Don't allow the boy run away.. Act fast, so you don't blame yourself and he doesn't blame you too

I must say everyone on NL is feeling for your son. I am!

Cc: Vyvyanvyvy

oil dey your head
Best advice so far, I think everybody should stick to these words of wisdom

cococandy:


Would he let his own son be homeless because he steals out of starvation?

That is his son. He won't let his son be homeless cos he is the father.
You refused to blame the man that leaves his two kids and wife homeless and you are blaming the man that has tried to take the wife and one of the kids home and made them comfortable. Refusing to take the other in cos of the criminal stigma attached to him.

Can you easily take another man's child in and treat him/her like urs in ur marriage?


Have you thought in this line.
This woman has two kids 12 and 3yrs with a man. That should be a relationship of about 17 to 19 year and she cannot tell where her husband is. She does not know any of the husband's relative. Is this not the highest level of carelessness.
The man has lots of fear.

jelel6:
Please, for all the guys here who are apparently sympathetic to the Husband, I have a question for you...

How can a man marry a mother of two little kids who are not adults yet and NEEDS TO stay with their mom, would be so ungentlemanly after marriage to request a boy of 12 years begins looking for a relative to stay with whilst his mother is alive, well and capable to look after them?

I'm sure the woman lived with her son and daughter before the husband met them, why marry the mother only to push her son away? Why ask a woman to push her son away because of you?

Things took a hit financially, so you agree with the mother to take the boy to relatives pending improve conditions. Afterwards, the reasonable thing to do is to ask the boy back as soon as things improved. Common!

How can a man feel OKAY when his "marriage" separates his wife and her son?

If a husband CANNOT accept the children of his wife as his partial responsibility due to marriage, how can he then expect any relative whatsoever, to accept the children? Who can be closer to a child than a mom and a step-father?

Original poster @Vyvyanvyvy, if you were my sister, I'd be baffled as to why you'd marry a man who would refuse to allow a small boy stay with you guys. He cannot stay alone. Your husband's excuse that he will influence the girls negatively is simply some fake bullshiit I'd expect from an unthoughtful person.

If that boy were his, do you think he'll send him off to his own brother and leave him there because he's supposedly stealing #100 and biscuits? No! He'll never give up on his OWN CHILD. His own child will never run out of chances.

Besides, a 12 year old boy stealing is NOTHING NEW. Majority of boys did worse growing up. I Stole moms stuff too when I was younger. Majority of the guys or girls, men and women you see commenting here STOLE THINGS if they will be honest with you. But now is the time to straighten your son out. But you can only be sure the best training can be giving if he's with you.

In my short time existing, I've felt real pains when I see how some people treat their relatives who are not part of the immediate family.

I'd be honest to say I myself will not be keen to take in a relative who's not immediate nuclear family, that's the heart. But if I do (which is possible in all ramifications), I'm SURE I'll be Fair and just with them. So you'd understand me when I say I'll NEVER MARRY a woman who can't be fair with my wards. Even if she brought home that said relative, She must be fair and kind to them. And I'm ready to divorce them one after the other if need be.

Reason with your husband with respect and understanding. If he's still adamant, say your brother threatened to throw your son out so you have no other options than to go and bring him with you. If he's still insisting that NEVER means NEVER, I think you can be rest assured he's laying down the ultimate ultimatum, in no uncertain terms:

Son or Hubby? Choose!

your indeed blessed with wisdom, if i can see you i will definitely host you for a day

on your last conclusion that if the man says NEVER and insists on NEVER then she has a choice to make whether son or hubby? i say there is no choice to make, the man has already made the choice, the son stays with the mother, there are no two ways about it.

legally too that marriage is voidable as it was obtained by deceit.

cr7lomo:
Women and selfishness are 5 and 6....look at the way they are condemning a man that did her a favour ( a true fact) ... Y are most women this dumb... How can u get pregnant for a man that u know nothing of his family TWICE!! Oh my ...that alone shows how weak mentally that woman is ..... Those saying he agreed initially but declined after marriage... So if u wanna by a car , after agreeing to pay , u find out that particular car is a post salvage vehicle , will u still buy it , knowing fully well that u don't want previously salvaged vehicles... Will u now force the person to buy it ?? Her siblings that are even blood rejected the boy , but u want a stranger just because he is husband to accept him ... A criminal in the making , so that he will come and destroy his own children... Men , pls b careful with women... They are very selfish and unreasonable beings

he didn't do Op a favor...did she forced him to marry her?
was he blind to see she had 2 children before proposing marriage to her?
and finally we are talking about the life of a young boy here.. should she abandon her child?
I'm disappointed cos u are man,just like the 12 yr old boy will grow up to be a man just like you..

[quote author=Vyvyanvyvy post=87405793]
I know his people and family house because I stayed with them when he left for Italy. I left the house when my daughter was 2 weeks because of the maltreatment I had received from his mother and sisters. I don’t know where you guys are getting all these informations about not knowing my children father house or people? [quote]
Your child's well being should be your priority. He is your blood. If you live to old age, as your first son, he will be the one to handle your burial. Order your life and leave a good legacy behind, if your husband wants to walk with you, good, but if he doesn't, you focus on your own life then.

yvelchstores:
sorry for all you are going through. I don't think it's fair on your part. Your husband is making babies through you, why do i say this? Because you already have a son and a daughter. This would not have been an issue if he accepted them as you both agreed! Now your son is about to be homeless! You were deceived by that man because I know no mother will accept this current situation. Since you foot70% of the bills, you would have been better off with your son and daughter alone. You chose marriage cos you don't want to be alone, now your son is almost homeless. You are bearing even more children for him, my own is this, PUT A CLOSE EYE ON YOUR DAUGHTER SO HE DOESNT EVER MOLEST HER. If her elder brother was in same house, she would have been protected. Madam, do something!

Perhaps you've seen/experienced domestic molestation. We've all seen/heard cases of such. However, don't let that becloud your basic logical reasoning.

Do you have to be reminded that the girl is way younger and obviously at a very vulnerable state, and therefore should still be around her parents (at least one of them)?

He didn't make those kids and whatever he does for them is out of plain magnanimity and his love for their mum...nothing more.

Op, I think you should make him see reasons why he should accept your son aswell...I mean beg him to.

How financially stable are you guys? Maybe you should start with assuring your husband that you'd foot all his (your son) bills or send him to a boarding school as someone suggested.
In addition, you can have him (your son) counselled in a church/seminary/behavioral facility for some time so he comes back presumably clean. These are moves you can make on your own to put your husband in a better position/ state of mind to accept your estranged son...

You need to understand that he's looking out for his kids too since your son now has some deplorable habits that he doesn't want his kids to pick up.

Don't listen to the wailers suggesting that you opt out of the marriage. It's bad that your son grows up without his parents and EVEN WORSE raising 4kids without their fathers....Be wise!

emmanuelewumi:


Could be for two different men

No it’s one man.

Vyvyanvyvy:

He will be 12 years in August , my daughter is 6 years, I have one daughter for my husband she is 2 years and I’m pregnant with another one. Their father is not in Nigeria and I don’t have his contact or his siblings. Yes I have a grocery shop I foot 70% bills in my house

Davash222:
Your siblings that are your relatives doesn't want the boy but you want your husband that is not your relative to accept the boy
You should learn to attend to your responsibilities and mistakes. Don't drag your mistakes to that innocent man. He has done more than enough for you.

Marrying a Nigerian girl with two children(not even one) is not what every man can do. That man deserves peace and respect from you.

I feel you bro!

Vyvyanvyvy:

Yes I will bring him on Sunday and let him
Do his worst. I cannot allow my son to suffer whyle I’m still alive and healthy

Hey Op,

I don't care much if this story is real or fabricated. I want to believe it is real because you have invested so much energy in replying to each insinuation and advice.

Your resolve to right a wrong is well appreciated. Ultimately, you are not doing it for the lives of your immediate family alone, but also the whole society. It is important not to solve a problem by creating a bigger problem, your quoted response is one short term solution that only leads to a bigger problem. Please, be careful.

I believe strongly that your boy should be brought home immediately within a week max. First, exhaust emotional appeal to your husband/partner. Second, get respected people, who absolutely believe your boy should be with the larger family group, to help appeal and prevail on your husband.

Why, your boy is really troubled and challenged. The circumstances with living with your brother and the ill-treatment have changed the narratives beyond an hungry boy seeking survival to an unsettled soul. I don't have to be descriptive in a gloomy way, I believe you understand. Your son needs more than the support, love and care you can offer. He needs many other things, amongst which very important he gets a father figure. Your husband/partner should be able to provide that if you can cut out the disdain you have for him.

Men just as women are equally as sensitive to perceptions their partner hold of them. Forget the financial responsibility issues in your home, it is the peculiarity of our age. Unfortunately, many family fail to understand this age and the devil afflicts most homes with the perceived imbalance in gender specific financial obligations. Love, respect, trust and talk more with your husband, you will see him turn a more cooperating person.

If you believe you will disregard your partner and move on with such attitude, you would most likely not achieve the best result. Together you will achieve a greater result in raising your children.

Reading comment here makes me feel sick already.
What kind of man is that? Most Nigerians mentality is so bad.
How can he claim he love the woman and can't accommodate her children?
So, if she dies now, she don't even have a spouse that can be there for all her kids?

What about strangers who pick homeless children, orphans and provide for them, train them and give them shelter. It's sad how we find it difficult to make sacrifices for others.

Hello Sis, I understand your pain earnestly. Since your son is 12 years old can you plead with your hubby so he can be staying few weeks or months during the School vacation. I will suggest you put him in a very good Boarding School.

Your son will definitely be fyne but please don't let him be with relative that will make him feel rejected. He needs your motherly love.

Thanks

LadySarah:


You need to beat yourself by yourself!

Vyvyanvyvy:

I foot 70% of the bills , I pay my daughter school fee including my first child with my husband I pay half of her school fee ,all my son need is a place to stay, my husband won’t be the one paying his school fee

Please enroll ur son in a boarding sch to have peace of mind

Richy4:
I don't really understand this story.. Ok let me get the picture correct

------You got married 3 year ago right?
---- You got 2 kids from your previous marriage/ Relationship; one is living with U while the other was living with your relatives.

---- You don't have any kid for your present husband right?

----So which Kids was he afraid of your son corrupting or According to you "damaging" ?

Read the post well!!

Richy4:
Your siblings that are your relatives doesn't want the boy but you want your husband that is not your relative to accept the boy
You should learn to attend to your responsibilities and mistakes. Don't drag your mistakes to that innocent man. He has done more than enough for you.

Marrying a Nigerian girl with two children(not even one) is not what every man can do. That man deserves peace and respect from you.




Haba!! U are acting as if he was doing her a favor by marrying her.. That mentality is so rustic in my opinion

He did her a big favour...

Davash222:

I do this, I do that... abeg make we hear word.
Take the boy to his dad!

That's very rude! A question warranted her reply.

Vyvyanvyvy:

Thanks am thinking of going there this Sunday

You need to go there immediately and carry your son. Mother's always stand up for their children.
If you need to cry all day begging your husband, do that. Go on your knee, explain to him again.
You need to go and carry that boy now