Well Madam I must salute your courage for speaking out. I will give the following thoughts

1. pls be in charge of your Home (Settle things on your knees)

2. Reduce your family Cost drastically , there is no money in that house and it is creating tension

3. Pls Understand your husband ego has been bruised. Always avoid anything that will cause fracas between you two. You didn't marry him like this now? abi

4. Do anything to rejig his spiritual life. He got drained because he had become drained after giving out the little fire he had. Start morning devotion, let him know he will be preaching & praying for 15 mins

5. Pls do not allow people to see his flaws

6. Do not lie about your financial situation. Make him know that the family needs to start saving. if na 1000 meat una day buy b4, reduce it to 500 and cut d tin again. If possible, change the kids school to public school n create time to brush them up after work

7. on your own, save 20% of your income.

Conclusion: Your marriage must work!!!!!

Woman Make it work
God bless you ma

humilitypays:
The major cause of the problems modern Nigerian marriages of today are having is finance due to dead Nigerian economy, and many Nigerian men don't know how to comport themselves or behave when broke; they would want to use I AM THE MAN to cover up for their financial woes. Give them money and most of their marital issues will disappear.

A broke man today is an angry man, he is a sadist and sometimes a narcist too.


After money issue, the next big problem in marriage is SEX! But money is the main problem.


My honest advice to single guys is to please try everything you can to fix your financial life first and attain a certain level of financial stability before you venture into marriage if not your case will always be on Nairaland front page and twitter trending hashtag.


Times have changed, you can run a family or marriage with meagre income in the past but not today that virtually everything has been heavily monetized

Women should also know their roles and stop taking on the responsibilities of men. They are only emasculating them. At the end of the day they will be waiting for appreciation but what they will get is "who send you."

Nna17:
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

Love builds trust, trust builds friendships and friendships builds marriages

How I wish we can see the future before marriage...men are modern Slave master..God help you

CAPSLOCKED:


I AM THE HUSBAND IN QUESTION AND I'VE COME TO DEBUNK ALL OF THIS WOMAN'S CLAIMS AS FALSE.

Oya start

MizJaY,

DO NOT DESPAIR
Let me share from my personal experience.Men measure their self worth by the size of their pocket and position they occupy.If they are unable to provide or provide adequately they feel worthless and very irritable.
The anger and moodswings they feel is not really to you but to everything it's just that you are the one mostly around.
That's why I advised you initially to quit looking at his face or reacting to his moods.
If you understand what's going on you can then handle it better.

Dont go asking what is bothering him,I already told you.
My initial advice earlier on is for you to find things that will take your mind off him.Get a life doing things that make you happy even if its reconnecting with close friends from secondary school you can chat and laugh with.
Many people have told you to get some savings that is non negotiable.Even if you will buy ice fish instead of beef you must have your savings.
You said you used to be beautiful you still are beautiful.Take care of your looks.Get some make up and 2 good wigs for your hair.
Be careful what you say to him in this trying moment because things may change and how you handled this moment will matter a lot.


Send me an email at igbowoman44@ yahoo.com.I will be willing to chat more privately, plus help get you a good wig for your hair and some make up to help boost your looks and self esteem.
Cheer up
This too shall pass
Please tag me when you send the email so I know to check
Dont give up.Put your faith in the Lord.

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

Haba! Must we do this all the time?

1. Exercise
2. Look good. Go out and buy yourself a new shoe in your next salary. Men are moved by what they see. He could start losing interest in you and it will affect your own self confidence
3. Lose weight
4. Reduce salt
5. Do all you can to naturally wean of HBP
6. IDGAF attitude when he starts acting like a child
7. Save. Everyone has told you. It's shameful for your dad to give him a job, a wife and still contribute to his saving
8. Stop thinking too much. IDGAF
I'm tempted to ask how much he makes and how much you make

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

You are not very wise. Are you not aware that some people can tell the truth just for truth's sake? Moreover, you saw her oath, that she is ignorant of the current problem that's making her hubby sulk.

Her account is an old one, if you weren;t sure about anything all you had to do was go though her old posts.

SHE IS TELLING THE TRUTH!!!

Now let invite the man to explain his part. I know many lies full that write up. Before you get my endorsement.

Don't ask for advice here. Too many childish people without experience.

Go to Pastor SHOLA ADEOYE's page on Facebook. RAW family.
You will get candid and spiritual advice from people in marriage.
I am a fan.
Regards
[qquote author=MizJaY post=89104742]Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all[/quote]

In all you read highlight the problems.because all i heard was a woman tired of been married and wishing she had a richer parnter.if you want to go do ashwo work,go do am not trying to they rubbish your husband as excuss for watin you get for mind.i spend my money and his not appricative,they should appricate you for contributing to your own home,well done ma.why you never appricate your husband for him own contribution since with her mouth she talk say na the same house him dey spend am.

omoharry:
It also means she has bottled these problems and this is the only channel she can unbundle. Leave the messenger and face the content of the message .

Jullima:

Well let me say most, because some women are enjoying their marriage. Don’t ever NOT have savings, there is no protection for you o. As you can see your 100% contribution is not even appreciated. Always, always have savings. Always save a portion of your salary, if anything happens, Igando will award you N500 stipends. Starting from now, set aside a portion of your salary and start saving, so you can always have an option to leave when it gets unbearable or you have something to fall back on if he puts you out.

How can she save with 4kids. At their financial level they shouldn’t have more than 2kids but no they won’t understand. The reason for high level of poverty in Nigeria

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

Madam what is the age difference between u two? Do u genuinely feel the marriage was founded on your eagerness to get married like you being the one to make first moves or u prolly financed the majority of the wedding ceremony bills? Have u always been financially stable than ur hubby from when u met till now?
I can give appropriate feedback if u respond to these 3 questions I asked

MizJaY:


In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

/
All I know is that those that seem nice at work or in public are usually devils at home while those who are tigers online are usually cats in real life.

Just saying...

\

Hathor5:




You wrote that you avoid arguments at all cost but what you have to understand is that conflict is unavoidable and necessary. You must learn to speak your mind. Do it in a civil way, calm and composed, but do it. It is important to be open and honest, to negotiate and to reach compromise. If you feel that he will interrupt and insult you when you speak up, maybe you should write down what bothers you and have him read it. Make sure you don't attack him in this letter but explain how you feel about certain issues and what kind of change you wish for.

Wife material spotted

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

He is not a man that preaches love, he joke but his jokes are too dangalous, laff but his laffs are too dangalous. He is the fight, he is the war, he is the Egobosky proudosa He too dangelous

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

Very sensible response

you've developed high bp because of marriage, hmmm... u better go get some space , go stay with ur parents, just leave for sometime and watch ur bp normalize
Hope you know the end result of hbp...STROKE, even ppl of 30 get stroke, hope u know that, cos to this man he's seeing nothing wrong with himself and the fact that he's killing you. What if but God forbid u get down with stroke, he'll still tell ppl and ur kids that its ur wickedness that landed u in that condition. You also should start talking, stop harbouring things in your heart, join women organizations in church...they also discuss family matters

veave:
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

Paying tithe but also lying to your husband. Is this Christianity ? Too many fake people in the church today.

Tozilly:
No marriage is devoid of fracas. Majority of couple r just managing themselves. Ur situation is not yet out of control. Ur hubby is suffering from financial insecurity, entitlement mentality n bloated ego. He feels less of a man as he can't provide adequately 4 his family. U NID to save a fixed amount of money every month for Ur personal upkeep no matter wot. Try n find happiness outside him, may b with ur kids. U hv a right to enjoy d fruit of ur labour. Just press ignore button wen he starts acting up. He will either grows over it with time or b humbled by life. D situation will change for better with time. Don't come n kill urself for anybody.

best comment

My own take for married couple
1 Personal matters between couple should be shared in private between matured couples who are experience and guide any couple
2, Looking for marital advice on nairaland give room for bad advices that can work toward the detriment of someone's marriage.

Why did she have 4 children without savings?

This is the highest level of washing ur dirty linens in public.

Your story touched me and am forced to write. A man is born with this ego ma, it's in our DNA, only a gold digger would claim not to have it. Ma your husband loves you, but now he needs your help. I say this because I didn't see anything like womanizing, drinking or any other vice. He is a strong man who ordinarily would prefer to be a complete bread winner. That 7am you decide to divorce him, 7:01am, one small girl would come and be forming "Oga madam" in your matrimonial home. If you dont try a different approach to increase your romance, you will keep increasing the gap between you. See , I was able to forgive my wife who committed adultery when I was down, I wouldn't want people to dishonor her, she pleaded for her honor and a second chance. I felt pity for her despite the many advice I got. If I had pushed her away rather than help her redeem herself, maybe one of us would have been dead by now. right now we are doing great. And, I am enjoying my new position as the ultimate bread winner. My suspicion turned so bad that I tested her with more handsome and richer men but she just turned them down opting to fix her marriage instead.That part of a woman being the peacemaker apologising even before an offence is committed will not kill you, but rather would improve your romance. MARRIAGE IS NOT A COMPETITION, BUT A HUGE DAILY SACRIFICE. Another key thing, trust me on this, I have seen greater war between couples who save quietly. Its really bad, bring him into your savings plan, lastly try giving him that part of your salary after deducting God's own and savings, explain to him what happened to the rest. E.g "Sweetheart after deducting our tithe and the savings we agreed on. This is what we have left from my salary this month to spend" in essence turn him into the treasurer. This will teach him to take charge once more, he will go out and add to your effort believe me, this worked for my neighbour. The man turned a hustler overnight to complement his wife. Hope you dont tell your parents everything that goes on in your home? If you do then stop. I pray your made in heaven marriage is restored, Good luck.

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.
....
So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

Much talks and comments, but I have not seen practical Solutions. If you can get him to listen to just 3 messages, he would become the sweetest husband in the World. First fast for one day and pray that every demon or power of darkness that may prevent him from accepting all you will tell him should be bounded by fetters of fire and casted out of your marrige permanently in JESUS' Name. Then, you have to first praise him very well, that you realized you are very lucky to marry him. Sincerely, look for things to praise in him, maybe that he goes to work early, the way he smiles, the way he eats, comlimets that must make his head swell, after then you'll tell him that yoi discover all the bad things he said about you is true, that you are now working on changing for good. That these messages would show him how to measure your change and let him identify how to further help you. Tell him that happy marriage don't just HAPPEN without effort from both. Cook his best food and pamper him till he listen to the 3 messages. If you don't first do this he may not be intrested in listening to these Messages. You can download them as videos or covert them to mp3 online, then down and copy to his phone. The 3 are:
1.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPOl7FiRupg

2.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWVD4An9MwE

3. I can't find the 3rd one online but I will forward it to you on Whatsapp:

Finally, buy The Dignity of Manhood by Bro Gbile Akanni for him to read. Within a very short time of doing the above, your marriage would literarily become Heaven of Earth. HalleluYAH!

eyinjuege:


Some are born pretenders.
It is in their DNA.
It is their sole reason for existing.
It is their work.
To pretend for years in order to deceive others until they feel they have what they want and there is nobody they respect enough to put them back in line

Bless you!

As they say a hungry man is an angry man so it is with a man that can't take care of his home.
A man is built up to take responsibility and it he can't do he becomes paranoid.
He might not be bad after all. Just that the financial situation is weighing him down and he is not able to manage it. And because of that your actions and inaction s means disrespect to him.

Solution:
1. For peace to reign always apologize, it will build his ego. No man wants his ego crush. I am sorry, I didn't mean it that way, please forgive me will not take anything from you.
2. Plan your budget together. Let him know how money is spent. Carry him along. I guess you earn more than him. If possible give him access to your money let him do the spending so how can see how the money dey go. Since he does not go to the market he does not know how expensive things are.
3. Discuss and plan how his how his income can
increase. A man feels happy and proud if he can take care of his family and the woman is doing little or nothing. Yes . His income must increase for peace to reign.
4. Stop taking your immediate family issues to your parents because probably your Dad was the one that gave him the job. I tell you that he's being forever indebted to your parents make him angry. He wants to be free and run his own family the way he wants. So try and manage your immediate family crises without a third party unless it results to voilence.
5. How is your sex life. Sex has a way of easy tension. So work on it.
6. Seek counseling
7. Pray for him and respect him more. Men eat respect even if they don't have chichi in their pocket. It's their food.
8.Devoice is not an option except for Adultery and voilence.
9. Appreciate his little efforts.
10. Let's. hear his side of the story.

Nigerian women sha....any kind of financial contribution they make in their own home, the whole world must hear it. This is why Nigerian men becomes restless when they are broke and the wife richer..because the whole world will surely know how she is the one feeding you.

I pity those that brings their marital problems here. Those bitter family section women will help you destroy your marriage. Later you will be the one living the lonely life and gnashing your teeth.. You think its easy to get a man ready to marry a left over? Unless you want to turn to a use and dump for small boys.

Its funny how y'all spend 90% of your life praying so hard and doing everything possible to get a husband( some of you always ask bachelors why they never wan marry sef because na only marriage Una dey think), then turn around and start talking about leaving because all your marriage fantasies isn't what you are seeing in reality.

Since they have adviced you to save and move, please do that and make sure you quit that marriage before this year end..maybe you will get that happy life you so desire.

Why didn't you just have two children instead of 4, pending when your finances will allow you have more. Family planning helps a lot.

Drizzy5001:
My mum went through all this things too, my dad turned her to a punching bag, when I was still a little boy , but I'm over 20 now , Dem no born am to beat my mum... Rather he will just be shouting that's all. My mum on there other hand dey try her best to avoid his wahala ... marriage is for better for worst.

Correct!