bukatyne:


When we say look before you leap in, they act like rabid dogs on several threads.

A woman chooses a man: study him, study him, study him.

There are markers and strains of behavior: look well.

That's why I like Ubunjaa's threads and think every young lady should read them well. That way, when you see his apostles, you jump and pass.

These young men that are bad news were mostly trained by their mothers. This now begs the question: if they thought their men bad, why didn't they train their sons to the standard of the ideal man?

No, they train their sons same way so that the next set of wives would complain and repeat the same cycle.

The men that are gentle would also be mocked for been gentle and exploited.

The Nigerian marriage landscape is an enigma.

Many Nigerian homes raise their sons and daughters differently. Na man, na man that is how they leave their son's character to rot away while policing their daughters because dem nor want make e carry belle. Now the wife has to deal with trying to raise an adult who was pumped full of ego and entitlement from his childhood by his parents because na man.


As for the bolded, best advice to single ladies here. Look out for the apostles of ubunja and run for your life.

Some men are like that. I am a married man. I think you have to acknowledge the fact that you have not been able to find out what you are doing to your husband that makes him behave in such a manner.
Marriage is like a school. You learn everyday. Call your husband. Sit him down and ask him what you do that he does not like. Tell him what he does that you don't like. Ask him for forgiveness. In a relationship, its one person that keeps it going. Do not listen to gossips or look at other women. Nne, am proud to say that your marriage is intact. Don't allow anybody to make you a divorcee. You have gone a long way.
Finally, you have to be prayerful. Pray with your family especially morning and night. 6am in the morning and 8pm at night. Make it a duty. Praying together with your family makes the family bound more stronger. I wish you the very best.

The other side of marriage no one speaks about in real life, married couples paint a rosy picture of bliss and harmony. They forget to mention the cheating/adultery, gas-lighting and emotional/physical abuse.


I guarantee you most of the long suffering married men and women are the same ones who berate and mock single men/ladies for remaining single. You see them every day, they ask "Where is your Wife/Husband"? "We are praying you find a Wife/Husband".

My sympathies to you, I am sure there were red flags you ignored while you were dating. A woman who earns more than her husband will always have problems in the marriage. You have to decide if the life you described is the kind of life you want to live for the rest of your time on this earth

paul1995:
This one strong lol .. make una no give the singles ones IBP

I'm really scared of getting married seriously.

To the married MEN, is apologizing to your wife a sign of weakness? does it yield intended result? Both in the SHORT term and LONG term. Please I need this advice before I venture into marriage

I hope You are from south south of Nigeria. Because they don't see any wrong doing that always warrant them to Apologise. The job Ur father gave him is not enough to care for the family. Why not give him another job or you Switch ur job . Stop complaint n move on with ur life. Reduce Ur spending on him let everybody know what is capable of doing

veave:
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

I am sure you have a perfect definition of the "BROTHER " you are talking about. It will be great if we don't use conductive reasoning whenever we are analysing a population. It's not fair.

Iffffffy:
At some point, I thought I was the one doing this narration, it is well sis.

may God help us all sis

Mstick:
Hmmmmmmm this one is tough, a broke man with ego is more dangerous than a rattle snake.

Dear Op this is the summary of the matter and the best way to understand him. The ego comes before u, so dnt expect appreciation, infact watever u do will be deemed disrespectful because its not coming from him.

My advice, immediately subscribe to one of these insurance savings for 2 or 5 years, no matter how small whether 10 or 20k, it will be deducted from source so no story

Honestly u re living above your means, i dnt know who i want to impress, but pls, anything wey pass school fees,rent and feeding na jara, u can survive without them. U must not buy special confectionary for ur children normal biscuit dey,buy cartin 700 naira. Chicken is not compulsory support with dry fish and titus.Jollof rice is sweet with crayfish, if u eat eba let ur children eat eba, no train dem wit wetin u no fit sustain. As one poster mentioned, if oga ask tell am say salary don reduce. If u dont use fuel will anyone die.
Listen the rate u re going u will be neck deep in debt and the same man will abuse u more. write a budget for the month, buy things in bulk and store.

Lastly because of ego, dnt be in a hurry to do things thinking it will make him like or appreciate u , BIG LIE, he will see it as u trying to bruise his ego and take over. Always ask him before u buy anything that is not food,he is the man of the house,in everything dnt help him, till he asks u .

With 4 kids it not easy in these times, but u also meed to take care of yourself so u can live for ur kids. Dnt always stay indoors urself wit thinking and chores, my dear go visit some sisters or brothers, maybe wit d kids and give d man breathing space , join a meeting in church or village or club to laugh help u unwind and forget about home worries that way u will be challenged to take care of ur looks.

I wish u well

Is your husband an edo man?, no offence?

Jullima:
My dear you have described most Nigerian marriages. We see it here a lot on NL. Keeping malice and Nigerian husbands are 5&6. You are not allowed to express your feelings, it’s called talking back. You’re also supposed to apologise for something you were a victim of. If the husband is not 100% the breadwinner, even worse, any body language or words are interpreted as “you don’t respect me because you are contributing”

P.S our NL favourite matron will come in and blame you for not choosing right, even though he presented himself as a godly man or you must have done something to change a godly man.

Sis, it is well.

lol...you gullible girls still fall for that "I'm a pastor" scam, yes she chose wrong.

MizJaY:


So I though sha cos I'm not sure I'm d only one going thru this kind thing. Most marriages na just mk we manage dey push am dey go...

My dear sit down do d maths......if you can pay for accommodation feeding and sch fees without support frm him leave d marriage but if you cant i guess you ve to continue to bear......am a married man something i normally to chk my ego.......i always ask my self ll i treat my sister dis way?

Well dear op,
Some Nairalanders have given you some of the best counsels you'll ever get anywhere else. Who says you shouldn't bring issues here?

While you try your best to work on your marriage, I will just mention a few helpful points, hope it will be helpful to you.

1. The best way to deal with an egocentric husband is to feed his ego to death. Keep fanning his ego at home and outside and his ego towards you will die naturally.

2. These days, 4 children are somewhat too much. Don't attempt to be pregnant again, if you're still in your active years.

3. Do everything possible to tackle or manage your Blood pressure. Keep living.

4. Never lose your beauty, or call it back to life, don't trade it for anything. If your beauty is gone, you're the first victim in your home. Buy dresses, buy footwears, do your hair and get your jewelries upgraded and updated. And smile a lot even when there is no reason to. Smile is the best jewelry.

5. Advise your husband to get a land, I don't know where you leave, but get a land, at least in the cheapest area closest to you. And start building. ENSURE that the documents carry your name too.

6. OR, On your own, save and have a plan B, secretly buy a land and start building at least a two bed room flat. This is plan B.

7. For the sake of immediate peace, please end the current malice, walk up to him and apologize even when you've done nothing wrong. It is called maturity not weakness.

If possible get him to read this your post, may be as anonymous as you can have it.

[b][/b][color=#990000][/color][quote][/quote][sub][/sub]As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.

Nigerians keep marrying people because they are close to this so called god.
This is why there will continue to be broken homes in this nation.
Marriage is for true love.

Pray on coz itz well

Jullima:
My dear you have described most Nigerian marriages. We see it here a lot on NL. Keeping malice and Nigerian husbands are 5&6. You are not allowed to express your feelings, it’s called talking back. You’re also supposed to apologise for something you were a victim of. If the husband is not 100% the breadwinner, even worse, any body language or words are interpreted as “you don’t respect me because you are contributing”

P.S our NL favourite matron will come in and blame you for not choosing right, even though he presented himself as a godly man or you must have done something to change a godly man.

Sis, it is well.

Thanks for this. You have really spoken my mind. Reading through her words, I felt this is a typical description of most Nigerian marriages. Our men needs to change their mentality, and as some1 has rightly said a broke man with an ego claiming d head of d house is much more worse than a rattle snake. May God save lady folk from the thing we call marriage.

GboyegaD:


This your number 3 though.... I can't imagine someone apologizing over and over again for a crime not committed and I sure would detest it s a man.

Apologies doesn't make you weak, whether she's at fault or not she should apologize, she knew she have an egoistic man, she should love with that for peace to reign

Alawaxbimbex:
With the kind of stories I read daily on nairaland about marriage...I'm so scared of marriage ooo...God pls bless me with a good husband when it's time for me to marry

Don't be discouraged sis.
Just make sure you find the right person, then study study study and study hard about successful marriages and what makes them. No let devil put fear for your heart. That's his first trick info unsettling.

don4real18:

Are you married?

Yes. Why?

Hathor5:




You wrote that you avoid arguments at all cost but what you have to understand is that conflict is unavoidable and necessary. You must learn to speak your mind. Do it in a civil way, calm and composed, but do it. It is important to be open and honest, to negotiate and to reach compromise. If you feel that he will interrupt and insult you when you speak up, maybe you should write down what bothers you and have him read it. Make sure you don't attack him in this letter but explain how you feel about certain issues and what kind of change you wish for.

Wisdom

In the absence of love, things fall apart!

Ladycewhy:
Many Nigerian homes raise their sons and daughters differently. Na man, na man that is how they leave their son's character to rot away while policing their daughters because dem nor want make e carry belle. Now the wife has to deal with trying to raise an adult who was pumped full of ego and entitlement from his childhood by his parents because na man.


As for the bolded, best advice to single ladies here. Look out for the apostles of ubunja and run for your life.

Many times i read comment like these from the ladies i get confused, can you highlight the training parents should give a male child so as to prevent futuristic wives parenting there husband or raising an adult. what are those training

Alawaxbimbex:
With the kind of stories I read daily on nairaland about marriage...I'm so scared of marriage ooo...God pls bless me with a good husband when it's time for me to marry

Just pray to have your own man. Some marriages are still like heavenly, yours can be one of those few. Everything the writer has described here doesn't happen in my marriage. He's a Nigerian, I am Nigerian. We are not stupendously rich, far from it, but we're contented. My husband is God's own gift to me despite my many shortcomings. I do hope you're a reasonable person too, so the good nature won't be one-sided.

Hey! Marry for the right reasons. I don't believe in that saying that: You have to marry up! Don't marry for money, I married for love and friendship. Yes, We were great friends before we even started dating. If you work and he works, you'll build your finances together. Women should bring to the table too. I'd be damned if I have nothing to offer.

Again, be reasonable. One kind of people I get impatient with and possibly cannot tolerate is if they are grossly unreasonable, unwise, therefore cannot do the needful. It's not about religion now. The OP made an error of judgement when she thought hubby was spiritual. You don't need religion here but common sense.

As the head in the family, if you're reasonable, you'll know when your wife is making sense, you'll know when not to be bossy and relinquish power, the wife will know when to shut up and when to talk and what to say and who to say to. The husband will know when to endorse or when to disclaim.
Dearie, marriage is sweet when you have the right person to journey with. Good luck to you.

If you they plan to get money so that you go move believe me God no give u that plenty money so that u go divorce. My sister continue to play the fool report him to God on your knees; allow his conscience to beat him. Use your good character de flogam, him go wonder which woman be this and safe your self some beating. Do you know only your partner can say u be good person or bad perSon because u will always pretend to your pastor and people around.

sexylassie2:
Marrying Nigerian men nowadays is not worth it especially the broke ones that act like they have a future.

yes, d broke ones bt u were begin 2 bcum a babymama 4 a broke boy.

Hope you read up to this point. If you can take this advice, it would do you a world of good. This is a phase of your life, in which you need to be very close to God and very prayerful for your husband and your children. It is obvious, you are a strong woman and you are getting tired of remaining strong. Don't be tired. Don't give up. Wake up at nights to pray. Fill your heart with positive response thoughts. Some people call it day dreaming, that is their problem. Read Philippians 4:4-8. Also, your husband still loves you but as a typical African man, that's why he is forming man of the house. Most of us are like that. So he enjoy movies, books, sitcoms, cinemas, biographies? Look for one of hat is transformative as per marriage related and let both of you enjoy it together. Don't divorce o. If you have to apologise after a few days shakara, please do he is your love. I guess, he has his good sides. Finally, find a good times, call him and talk about your issues it shall end in praise.

Sincerely you have really tried and the man no try at all but ,marriage like life may not be logical atimes hence I advice you do the following:
(1) Pray for your family with sincere mind, God can change bad situation to good one...specifically pray to God to improve your family provisions. 95% of the problem stated here is "poverty-induced" and remaining is management
(2) Pending the time sitaution improves, (i) re-examine the family expenses and look for how to cut down your spending eg. is your children school affordable or you are just struggling to meet up because of 'status', is your accommodation affordable or you are stressing to pay up...although your man should take lead on this but something must be done asap (ii) You MUST keep part of your salary for yourself at least 40,%, ypu must be smart enough to keep this secret and be desciplined enough not to touch it under false emergency
(3) Am sorry to say this, if massaging the man "ego" is what we give you peace and eventual success in your marital life, DO IT....ki adobale fun arara ko ni ki ama ga( prostrating for a dwarf will not turn you to one). With 6 children, let no one deceives you running away is the best option. Your man is just frustrated because of lack of money, you can help him out by working positively on his emotion
(4) Don't behave as if you are equal to him or better because your man is having COMPLEX already, help him the way you can by avoiding arguements with him till he grow over his complex
(5) Learn)Engage in a vocation that suits your lifestyle, it will give you less time for arguement and it may also fetch you extra coin

May God bless your family

Jullima:
My dear you have described most Nigerian marriages. We see it here a lot on NL. Keeping malice and Nigerian husbands are 5&6. You are not allowed to express your feelings, it’s called talking back. You’re also supposed to apologise for something you were a victim of. If the husband is not 100% the breadwinner, even worse, any body language or words are interpreted as “you don’t respect me because you are contributing”

P.S our NL favourite matron will come in and blame you for not choosing right, even though he presented himself as a godly man or you must have done something to change a godly man.

Sis, it is well.

How's it well, when you haven't provide solution to her problem?

This as bn my predicament since 2018. I'm not happy in my marriage yet I need to stay for my kids.he doesn't talk to me, eat my food or make love me. The immediate elder has bn cooking for him.

anslem04:




Many times i read comment like these from the ladies i get confused, can you highlight the training parents should give a male child so as to prevent futuristic wives parenting there husband or raising an adult. what are those training

I h

anslem04:




Many times i read comment like these from the ladies i get confused, can you highlight the training parents should give a male child so as to prevent futuristic wives parenting there husband or raising an adult. what are those training

ave b

anslem04:




Many times i read comment like these from the ladies i get confused, can you highlight the training parents should give a male child so as to prevent futuristic wives parenting there husband or raising an adult. what are those training

egged

anslem04:




Many times i read comment like these from the ladies i get confused, can you highlight the training parents should give a male child so as to prevent futuristic wives parenting there husband or raising an adult. what are those training

n begged over Wat I don't know my crime. All he keeps saying is I like to talk bk at him when he talks. Haha sudnt I express my self even wen u accuse me wrongly.

This your number 3 though.... I can't imagine someone apologizing over and over again for a crime not committed and I sure would detest it s a man.[/quote]

bedah:


My dear sit down do d maths......if you can pay for accommodation feeding and sch fees without support frm him leave d marriage but if you cant i guess you ve to continue to bear......am a married man something i normally to chk my ego.......i always ask my self ll i treat my sister dis way?

Becos you check ur ego somwhere in your mind you believe you are a perfect husband, rite? i may not be married buh i av lived couples life long enough to know women are "creatures men will alway offend" you will be surprise when ur wife start say things you do that hurt her, abi no be women .... buh how will you feel when you read or overheard someone advise her to leave the marriage.

GboyegaD:


This your number 3 though.... I can't imagine someone apologizing over and over again for a crime not committed and I sure would detest it s a man.

If you can't apologize, whether you are right or wrong, then you are not ready for marriage yet. It doesn't matter if you are the man or the woman.

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

Mama,
All Of us na trouble,na only God dey really make us Husband’s.

(1) May Allah S.W.T enlarges his pocket,may his wishes come true in your lives.
(2) he sure knows you are a very,good wife and that nothing compares to you.
(3) if man no get money,na Mad man he be..... he go dey do slow motion sometimes.
(4) Na when man get money he go turn Maga,if money no dey..... he go calculate even your own salary for you,like ..... when this money finish?!!
Haaaaaaaa Oil don finish?
Patinece oh my sister .... if not the physical abuse,we use to be the same !!!