crackkhaus:

That comment was tongue-in-cheek.

Just had to be...

Mizwisdom:
95% of Nigerian marriages are going through similar turmoil. Nigerian men are not raised to be good husbands, even you will still raise your son to punish his wife and cling to your Apron. That's what it is here so whatever you see in your marriage, take it like that

Miss statistician. You now work with the national beureau of statistics for u to come up with that percentage?

budaatum:

You need to open your eyes too. Op shut her's and fell for "I want to be a pastor" instead of seeing what he actually was.

Other blinding things some fall for are "he fine", "he get good job, money, car, etc".

Some hardly focus on character and manner until he's baked buns in your oven and it is too late.

You are talking from inexperience. Things happen and people change. Have seen it all. Don't think you know a person's character so well. People can pretend and to say the least, become something you never imagined based on the current circumstances they find themselves in.

Pray you never become a victim.

aeion:
Men with these sexist, I'm-always-right-you're-always-wrong, my-way-or-the-high-way characteristics are usually like that before marriage. You probably saw some of the signs before you got married and thought he would change. Or you were too caught up by him portraying himself as a so-called man of God that you didn't pay attention to the things you should have and walked away then.

Also, I checked your threads. In September 2018 you were seeking financial assistance here and you mentioned being a mother of 3. In another thread in November 2018 you mentioned having a 3-months old. In this thread, you mention being a family of 6, so between last yr and this year you just had another child. Idk why you keep having more kids when you're struggling financially?

Looolz! This level of inspection. What they mean when they say the internet never forgets. It's funny how people with problematic unions keep having kids.

deebrain:


Mister. I stated what works for me and have been for decades now.

And you will only "jam a mad person" when you did not do your home work before entering into marriage with the said mad person.

Brother no be fight oo. It works for you because that is the way it should be and I see value in what you are saying.

Nevertheless, there are people I refer to as damaged goods. I never believed such people exist with high level of irrationality.

So many unhappy married women out there.

crackkhaus:

See, Sass...on this, you and I operate on completely different philosophies.

I personally do not believe anyone changes (speaking of adults here), not children or teens. This is one of my guiding principles in human relationships.
I'm even much more comfortable with people who are transparent enough to show their negatives as well as their positives...at least you know exactly who you're dealing with and can work around it.

That false expectation which you noted as the reason why people change, is rooted on idealism - the need to focus only on positives, the belief that archangels walk the earth in human form.

Any man/woman who appears too good to be true, is definitely too good to be true.
This is reality.

Interesting. Something learnt here.

sammychimex:



You are wise. Very wise

Thank you.

Part of God's gift.

My dear, whn it com marriage, there are alot of things u have to endured. This is what most africa women go through. As 4 ur husband let him continue to misbehave, God wil surely reward him.

crackkhaus:

See, Sass...on this, you and I operate on completely different philosophies.

I personally do not believe anyone changes (speaking of adults here), not children or teens. This is one of my guiding principles in human relationships.
I'm even much more comfortable with people who are transparent enough to show their negatives as well as their positives...at least you know exactly who you're dealing with and can work around it.

That false expectation which you noted as the reason why people change, is rooted on idealism - the need to focus only on positives, the belief that archangels walk the earth in human form.

Any man/woman who appears too good to be true, is definitely too good to be true.
This is reality.

Okay, now you sound like someone I know. I could have sworn it was him typing this...

I’ll screengrab and send to him!

angelusbrut:
Seriously some Nigerian men are just a joke,I got hooked up with a guy, well i am not sure if he is broke or not,but the manner he commands me made me to have a rethink, everything he wants you to apologize even the one he is guilty of, well as for me, am working and doing well,I can't because of marriage put my neck in a hook.
Least I forget,he will tell you that he is the man bla bla...
Yersterday,he insulted me like kilode, I just replied, thank you.
Nah so I take jakpa..I can't kill myself on top man and marriage matter.
Nne, please try and have some savings no matter how small, pray harder, you have already entered, you can't jakpa like that,I pray the man turns a new leaf soonest.

Have you really asked yourself why you are with him still?

This is exactly what a typical Nigerian woman is facing. God will help us all. You will be working and nothing to show for it because of your children. No woman will have the heart of putting her children in hunger or their basic needs and some neccesities. May God help us all. Some of our men are egoistic in nature. Big babies and they feel so insecure. I have learnt a lot from this write up through individual post. I will start saving too now. It is as if the post is from me.

4 kids? Oh lawd

Ishilove:

If a lady says she wants to marry a man who is established, they will call her a goldigger. Now that she has chosen to build life small small with a broke man, he has turned out to be an ungrateful asshole.

Love gbakwuoku biko.

I don’t see anything wise in marrying a broke person.

Nigerians just like to attach virtue to suffering.

I will advice that u both should cut your coat according to your size at this time, try and cut down the standard u laid for yourselves, start saving and have a plan of how to run daily activities and expenditure. Also u guys need to sit down and understand each other and i'm very sure everything will be ok.

Nwodosis:
It is obvious you are not the talking type but the writing type, we have read your version, how do we get your husband's version? There is no smoke without fire!

too much sence u got

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

I'm the quiet type so I have never opened mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. Just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sorts of things.

Honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash the anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. If u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one that has problem. He's too difficult at times.

In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person I am. Calm and quiet.

When I met my husband NYSC days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was the main reason I got close to him cos I wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually through life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but I'm not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach his sick mother in the village I would buy all the foodstuff to send to her.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather I get insults o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o.

I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always the one wrong and he's not � every time.

Sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage.

My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu.

The national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. I'm always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk.

So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warned him. Tho he still attempts once in a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

1.Man smells like a typical yoruba man! If yes then you are in for some sheeeet!

2.a closed mouth is a closed destiny everywhere: not only in marriages!
every territory u see today, are proceeds of one war or the other...someone argued, someone spoke, someone fought, someone stood courageously .....someone took actions but here u are and ur only action waz to type on nairaland.

3.the mans medicine is in a tikitaka capsule form!....give him before he builds the momentum of his ego.

get close to ibo married women and thank me latter

I see more of men bashing than advise. But let me get out before one woman come and insult me.

crackkhaus:

Who told you it's not simple? It's really very simple...

All is she needs is to save money, and she'll be gone.

With 4 kids in tow, leaving won't be that easy. If she doesn't mind being a single mum and having boyfriends as most men are not ready to marry with any package attached, especially that big,

veave:
Hian.

Wetin I go talk go pain you o. But na the truth I go tell you. Madam, right now I can't tell you to start with 50% so I will say 20%.

Thank God there is covid and I pray your job doesn't get affected. As soon as you resume, the second day you get to work tell him there has been a 40% reduction from your salary due to low inflow of cash. You need to save at least 20% of your salary. This money no Matter if the roof is falling down you're not to touch it. Na your back up money be that. The other 20% is for your upkeep. You and your kids should survive on the remaining 50% because you'd definitely pay tithe. It's because he knows you always have a back up plan that is why he is relaxed and allowing you foot all the bills.
No this kain thing make me say I no go marry "brother" when I dey small. Most of them are lazy and are dreamers. They expect manner to fall from heaven after their praying and fasting forgetting Paul had a handiwork that sustained him all through his life hence he didn't have to beg and depend on anyone. I no dey like this kind jist. He's not even appreciative of his supportive wife. I know women who use all their money to buy shoes, clothes and the latest asoebi, their husbands dare not say pim because they'd even take his own and join.

You talk too much. Your husband dey try o

UyaiIncomparabl:





Oga, abeg no vex. Na you I follow yan? No mai enter you ooo. I believe that this is a public fora, so everyone's opinions should be highly respected. So, I should've advised her otherwise abi? Or you expected to read - serve him his meal while kneeling, eulogize him when he cusses you to the high heavens, stroke his back even at her own discomfort. Chaiiiiii! . Men. Una no go kee pelzin.

MizjaY, read me wellaaaaaa! Save ruggedly and radically, when time reach and you see say him never still geh sense, ruuuuunnn oo. Don't listen to any other contrary advice. Your husband needs to learn anger management and as well learn to suppress his ego. Person wey no get suppose humble.

I repeat, ladies, marry who get sense, come sabi road on top.

Playing to the gallery. We go see the man who know road come sabi sense wey u go marry. Tueh

My dear.... Go on your kneels and talk to God, if there's any place you will get comforted and counselling it's in the place of prayers not on nairaland, express yourself before God, cry before Him if need be, tell Him exactly how you feel, He loves you and want the best for your family, i have seen God changed men with worse character than your husband's, He's ready to help you only if you'll let Him.

kestolove95:
Divorce d modafucka nd move on with ur life, get a young guy as a sec toy...no time men are stupeed

No man would choose an old woman without money The man can re-marry, she cannot.

MizJaY:
Sorry for the long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs.

The way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on the house. He works too and earns but he's salary covers rent and the children's school fees finished. I do the rest but he doesn't appreciate the fact that I sacrifice everything I earn to feeding the house. We are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car and gen, gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam.

Madam, after reading your post, I can conclude that you've got no lazy husband as you insinuated. Other character flaws of his that you narrated are secondary, and they are things you can easily brush off or manage effectively. As emboldened, the following can be deduced about your husband:

1. Your Husband works. A lazy man doesn't. It takes a hardworking and hopeful man to get up each day and leave for work.

2. Your Husband pays rent (this shouldn't be less than N200,000 per Year for a family of 6 that uses a car, and it is obvious that your husband doesn't earn up to half of that amount per month)

3. From your Husband's meagre salary, he also foot the bill of 4 children who probably might be in nursery, primary and/or secondary level. By estimate, your husband should be paying about N200,000 or more per term, invariably, well over half a million per session/year, all from the same meagre salary.

In summary, the "lazy man" (as you have allowed some users here to address your husband) spends about a million naira or more on his family yearly, yet I'm sure you only mentioned major expenses as there would be several miscellaneous he spends on that you don't really consider important.

Madam, you need to stop creating more problems for yourself. Please stop these consistent nagging (claim of continuous sufferings), whether you voice it out or not. A "working man" that keeps assuring you that things would be better is certainly hopeful and most likely thinking/working towards that, but don't expect all to manifest in a day. Or would you rather prefer him telling you that things would be gloomy? Or would you want him to join the league of satanic husbands who used their wife/child for money-ritual in the bid to end poverty? So be very careful with your rants/nagging so that you don't unknowingly push him into any vice as you might also suffer it's consequences.

Meanwhile, the problem is not your husband nor yourself. In fact, you seem to be a beautiful woman in character except for the non-apologetic aspect lol. I think the two major issues are:

1. Limited Finances and Lack/Little Financial Intelligence

2. Having more children than you can comfortably cater for.

While you can't do anything about "2" other than to level up so as to be able to take very good care of them, you need to team up with your husband so as to solve "1" effectively. And you can't do that with the poverty-breeding environment both of you keep generating in your home. I'm referring to the "carrying face" (gulf/break in communication) for one another. It would keep draining and distracting both of you from thoughts and actions that would increase your family's finances dramatically.

Madam, when there is a problem in the family, please note that it can easily be solved from the woman's end as she demonstrates humility. Waiting for it to be solved from Oga's end can take a millennium. You are an African woman so you certainly know what I'm talking about. So please apologize at moments you never saw a reason to do so. If nothing, it will clear the awful atmosphere that caused you to be using the little money available on you to treat High Blood Pressure. At your age, you're already suffering from HBP, now imagine other ailments that could attract to you at old age if not well treated at this period. This is why you should desist from listening to fellow women giving you bad advice. As a matter of fact, don't seek major marital advice from your peers but from admirable couples (not necessarily pastors/counselors) far older than you. One thing is sure, they will always protect the stability/progress of your union/home while giving you the best/sure (wise) counsel even when not palatable for you.

I observe that you want to be appreciated. Well, every single/married woman loves to get that and always too lol. But don't confront or threaten him for that as some advised rather start appreciating him again and again for the house rent, school-fees and others he pays for regularly despite being his responsibilities. Not just that, look out for very insignificant things too to appreciate him for. That sounds so weird but please endeavour to do it regularly and watch it's effect in your man after some days/weeks. Whatever you observe, ensure you don't stop doing it. Once in a long while (like 4-6months), set a particular day to wake him up from sleep and tell him that you just want to thank him for his bravery in leading your home in spite of different challenges confronting the family. Ensure you don't make any request, complain or offer any advise to him at this moment, other than just to thank him as described above. If you wish to add something, then it should be nothing other than prayer.

If he is a Yoruba Man, say this to him while kneeling down, not on the bed but on the floor. I dare say that, you would gradually be building a soft and appreciative husband for yourself. He would also stop seeing you as mumu but as a very wise woman that deserves all the admiration and appreciation that can be given. When a well-raised Yoruba man responds to genuine humility from his wife, see, he does so in all forms of giving (time, money, love, etc) so much, some people might allege that his wife cooked an enchanted meal for him lol. Anyway, it might not be easy but endeavour to do it. Also help yourself to form the practice of apologizing to him when he is unhappy with you by picturing a sum of N50,000 stolen from you every time you choose not to apologize all because you couldn't reason yourself to be at fault. Certainly, you would want to prevent such a loss in reality and that would propel you to apologize to him very quickly.

In all, you need to achieve harmony in your home and once that is achieved, both of you can now concentrate and team up very well to confront the main problem (Insufficient Money). And I suggest you start with the following:

1. Don't borrow or beg around either offline or online.

2. Create an affordable family budget and forward it to your husband to peruse, make necessary amendments and approve accordingly. Then ensure everyone in the family adjusts and be very disciplined in sticking to it no matter the pressure to do otherwise.

3. Both of you should maintain good savings from your earnings irrespective of the bills you need to settle. The amount both of you are able to save regularly is not as important as the habit of financial intelligence you would have started developing for yourselves.

4. Discuss with your husband to use the Car for Uber Business at his leisure periods if it is good enough. If not, then it should be taken to the park every weekend to move average-sized goods or people around so as to generate a minimum of N40,000 per week. He can also attempt evening/night hustle with the car once he is back from work so that additional N10K (minimum) can be generated within the week. In all, about N50K would be generated weekly just from that "transport hustle", and that money can be designated for "weekly-feeding of the family" so that you wouldn't use your salary any more but conveniently save a good portion of it. In fact, apart from feeding, miscellaneous such as fuel could also be budgeted in the N200K generated per month from that hustle.

5. You seem to have notable presence online. Then think of ways to monetize it. Start by going to a popular market where you can buy some student jewelries, weavons, or any other trendy female products you can afford to buy from the money saved within a period of 3 months. Have a Graphic Artist help you create a captivating ad of your wares for a little fee and come back to this Forum, WhatsApp and other places you have notable presence and engage people (ladies mostly) proactively to buy from you. Also discuss with women that are not interested in any of your stock, that you are readily available to help them buy whichever type/brand they prefer while you receive a certain amount for your effort. MizJaY, let this be your side hustle to support the brave effort of your husband in moving your family towards financial freedom. With consistency from both of you, it shouldn't be long before both savings would be enough to start a viable business with or without the support of a bank, and both of you would certainly be disciplined (financially prudent) enough to manage it effectively.

All the best.

Dear people, marry a comfortable person.
Be it girl or guy.

Nigeria is a hard place.

bujebudanu1:
How ladies end up marrying clowns is baffling me...

People don't just like a quiet and peaceful life , na money issue sha

Unless you don't want them to get married at all. She described a typical Nigerian man, not that i blame the men, they dont know any better and are only products of their environment. Women just need to learn to stand up for themselves and they can start by being financially independent and take responsibility for their lives. And do the best they can to get the men in their lives appreciate they are dealing with a human being and demand mutual trust and respect. Anything less might get them the ring but keep them in perpetual sadness.

OP, pele o. What can I say? You should know you are not alone, many women have it waaaaay worse than this. Hope that makes you feel better. The economy is a real downer and has made these folks a lot more difficult to endure. Unfortunately, you cannot change him and I don't know if anything or anyone can. The only control you have is over your own actions. Focus on that and see how best to come out of this better, wiser, stronger and safer. Stay safe, sister. God help you.

princessConfy:


I'm working and I do support him. I'm not asking for money for myself. money to buy stuffs for his kitchen. I don't live with him, i dont make money except my salary and it is small. due to this lockdown my expense at home increased. He knows all this. I have never asked him money for myself. He wants me to visit from Monday to Sunday and I work from Monday to Saturday. the least I expect is T.p. cos he invited. I've not gone there on my own without his IV.

My dear. Lady to lady. Drop this guy and do it quick to pave way for someone serious to come along

God please any husband that will give me high BP, may he not come to me, cause I can't tolerate and I can't deal.

Mstick:
Hmmmmmmm this one is tough, a broke man with ego is more dangerous than a rattle snake.

bukatyne:


I see two issues:

1. You both are earning below the standard of living you have set for yourselves. In what ways is your husband trying to increase his earnings?

2. Do you have a written budget where you can track income with expenditure so you see where you can cut expenses (I know what you have is not enough however, that will reduce the mental stress on you).

3. You have the classic egoistic Nigerian husband. How do you navigate them? By apologizing when issues crop up whether you are wrong or not. Yorubas call that apology 'gba je n simi' or 'sorry, let me rest.'
So issues come up, it is quickly 'sweetheart, sorry, I did not mean it like that.', 'sorry, no vex' etc.

4. His spiritual life: what happened to the man that wanted to be a pastor? Just how you leaned on him for spiritual growth, you might need to return the favour now.

And good that you have to wisdom to avoid his blows since you are still willing to stay.

I wish all Ladies know these.

Good Advice Ma

Hello MizJaY , I believe a lot of people would have said quite a lot and you must have taken one or more lessons from what has been said already. Here is my addition, Your love tank is empty and your spouse isn’t helping in anyway. Your primary love language I think is Words of Affirmation and you don’t get that in anyway. Why don’t you spend time to read a book “The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman and apply what you read to your husband and subsequently introduce him to it and hopefully things will begin to turn out well. Sorry about your ordeal. May God see your through