mogbolade43693:
Dis is the problem,with many relationships in nigeria..ur mum was expecting him to come with big bread,milo and milk.ur mum acted wrongly.dis is just a boyfriend and not ur husband.

even if na husband, the man isn't a slave. He has freewill to do what he ch0oses. N0t that it's the lady that feeds or pays him, or is it? And am sure, the in law would also c0mplain if the man kept on bringing bread and milo everytime.

Kaimaonyeana:


As in eh, 1000 fruits or a bottle of eva wine would solve this. It really isn't that serious. The poverty in this country is affecting a lot of minds.

Fruits alone does it for you, maybe he feels dt bringing just fruits in a festive period is insulting, dt instead if insulting by bringing so little, he shouldn't bring at all n plan towards bringing BIG...if he ends up marrying Tracey, dt man will probably only visit the in-laws once every year (not because he wants to but because he HAS to for a good guy like him,,,quite frankly if its me, I no go send, na once in a blue moon I go show face, give gifts n zoom off) laden with various gifts,..not a nice prospect at all especially if they stay in the same state.

This is not the way to start a healthy relationship@trayceey.

Mariangeles:
How come nobody understands the principle of giving gifts and the honour that comes with it?
It is not about what you give, it is the thought that counts.
If the young man had brought something as simple as fruits and the woman complained, then she would've been wrong.

It has nothing to do with poverty. Only someone with poverty mentality would think expecting gift(s) from someone is out of place, and only someone with inferiority complex would think it is a thing of shame to except gift from a certain someone.

"A man's gift makes room for him, and brings him before great men"

Giving gifts will make way for you in the presence of Kings and great men.

oga, gift is what it is, a choice n0t a c0mpulsi0n. There's no principle. It's just an act of generosity. N0t an act of respect. The man showed respect by c0ming to see the w0man. She should respect that. If gift was the problem, the man would've sent a text via ph0ne and forwarded m0ney to the w0man, which on an0ther side, is disrespectful, cause it'd mean, the man didn't think that much of the w0man in the first place.

Kaimaonyeana:


Na Yoruba guy i swear. No real igbo man goes to his in-laws place emptyhanded. It's not nice. Fruits would do,it doesn't have to be something big. My dad still takes bag of rice to his inlaw's every Christmas. My other uncle single-handedly sent his brother inlaw to dubai. And no, none of these things were expected of them. They did it because they wanted to and they had the means to. An igbo adage says that a person's inlaw is his God. But bear in mind no one forces you to do them.

"They wanted to and had the means to".... Do you know if the guy did not have the means to get what he wanted to get? Or if he did not want to get anything at all? I don't understand why you people are over flogging this issue and making trayceey feel like she's in the right and d man is in the left,,dts unacceptable. So if the boy doesn't have anything, he should not visit his intended's family? Na she go still come here dey complain say her MUM say her fiance no dey visit her......let's be wise in this NL abeg

ststyreal:

Mbanuuu, aunty Tracey you fail am for here... Since he has come before and with something too, you shouldn't have informed him that your mum is angry about him coming empty handed....
I think he is a nice and free guy who just want to acclamatize with your family.
Go and apologize to him and next time make sure you are around anytime he is coming to see your parents again.

they say 1st impressi0n is all, trust me, n0thing is resolved here with an apology. Mentally, the man has been shown he is going into a battle already. And believe me, there are bound to be grudges fr0m here. The lady d0n set t0ne/directi0n for the relati0nship.

Minemrys:

oga, gift is what it is, a choice n0t a c0mpulsi0n. There's no principle. It's just an act of generosity. N0t an act of respect. The man showed respect by c0ming to see the w0man. She should respect that. If gift was the problem, the man would've sent a text via ph0ne and forwarded m0ney to the w0man, which on an0ther side, is disrespectful, cause it'd mean, the man didn't think that much of the w0man in the first place.

Exactly my take...the man knew his girl wasn't around, yet still decided to come visit anyway. He has done well and should be applauded. Not every man will go see his intended's mother unprompted, God knows I like my space n hate travelling

Trayceey:
I'm not defending my mum. You know these mothers always have a hold on us

then why c0nfr0nt the man? Or hang up on him? I d0n't kn0w if things can be mended, but just be on g0od terms with him. These are the kind of things that discourage men fr0m going into marriages. Expectati0ns fr0m in laws, forgetting every0ne is flawed and has alot in their heads.

franugo:


Exactly my take...the man knew his girl wasn't around, yet still decided to come visit anyway. He has done well and should be applauded. Not every man will go see his intended's mother unprompted, God knows I like my space n hate travelling

abi oh. S0me0ne like me n0w, i w0n't bother with visits or unnecessary calls if i am n0t well acquainted. A text and a m0ney transfer would be en0ugh if after the first few visits my instincts tell me what they truly expect of me. I'm n0t one that talks much or do eye service. Blunt and straight to the point. In a way, i blame the man. He should've studied his would be in law.

Be careful, ur mum might be the reason u r not been married by now due to her gluttony. Men don't like mother in-law that r too greedy and demanding.

Trayceey:
not really. The first time he came to see her, which has been a while now, he didn't come empty handed

I have not seen an idiot like you.

wat a shame..no wonder they fall into the hands of yahooguys who eventually use them for ritual

Mariangeles:




I should've known not to take you seriously...you're too uncultured to worth my attention.
I mean, take a look at your choice of words about a married woman....

I don't consider your words of any worth anymore. From henceforth, whatever you think or say about me does not matter. I won't be any bit offended.

Lol hehehehe. I was not referring to Simi, I did not mean I wanted to though Simi I was just talking generally.
As for you ehn, lol make I leave your matter for now

ceeceeuwa:

Even #250 bread, the Bobo no fit buy!
Their hate for women on this forum won't make them see reasons.

i say this, speaking for myself. I d0n't see it as a hate for w0men. Of course s0me men here are misogynists, but going by virtue, which was m0re important? Respect or Charity? The man showed respect by taking an initiative to go see the Mama without the babe. How many men do that? The fact that s0me0ne c0mes to see you is far m0re than any gift he would bring. Why? He sees you as s0me0ne. In a time where people are self centered, s0me0ne who you d0n't feed or pay, c0ming to see you should be appreciated. N0t to brag, but in my family, we d0n't see much in the gift s0me0ne would bring us on a visit but m0re in the visit. We even advise the pers0n n0t to bother. And it's n0t like we are rich or s0mething.

Trayceey:
I Need Your Opinion On This Issue That's Threatening My Relationship

My fiance wanted to come to the house to see my mum but I told him I won't be around because I'm about heading out to somewhere, so he asked me if my mum would be around, then I said yes and he said he would still go to see her and it doesn't matter if I'm not around.

When I later got home that night, my mum complained that he came empty handed. He didn't bring anything for her and she was the one who offered him her drink.

Although initially, I didn't see anything wrong with that but when my mum expressed her displeasure, I later called him to ask why he came to the house empty handed then I let him know I wasn't happy with him, that it would have been better if he didn't come. He tried arguing with me but I hung up.

Since then, we haven't spoken to each other nor visited each other. Was I wrong?

THE BEST REPLY TO YOU

Review your relationship with your fiance because courtesy and tradition demand a good visit from your fiance, especially being the first time. What will it cost him to get your mom ONE BOTTLE OF WINE or two loaves of bread.. At least something! The first day I visited my Father in law(RIP to him now), I took what I can afford to him, as a gift and he acknowledged it by saying: IF I COULD THIS, IT MEANS HIS DAUGHTER IS WITH A CARING MAN..

REVIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW.
No space for CAREFREE SPOUSE

Mariangeles:


Point out exactly where in my post I implied it was a compulsory act?

but you did imply an expectati0n to give gift? The expectati0n already makes it a c0mpulsi0n.

Mariangeles:


I don't know about the others, but in my tribe (Igbo), that's how things are done.
You don't go to your in-laws bare handed.
It is not an act to be proud of.

so the fact s0me0ne came to see you is n0t appreciated? Well, that teaches me s0mething, if am to have igbo in laws, i wouldn't bother visiting. A text or call and cash transfer would do. We all have our own problems.

TransAtlanticEx:
Are you sure you really wanna do this?
Cos I'm ready when you are.
Feed me and my family( a whole my family ooo) for ages yet your mama dey want kill herself say your fiance no buy bread for am?.
Why not use that money weh you want use am feed me and my generation buy your mama provisions keep for house na
And somehow its from this miserly,miserable existence that you wanna feed my family(really rich ) from?
My eldest sister got married in 2004,in 2003 when the man came for introduction,he wore shorts and was empty handed.
You know why?There was nothing he could bring that we don't have and he knew it
What you could have done sef to even cover your bf is send some money to your thirsty mom and claim your bf sent it,but instead you fought with him over it,maybe because you and your mama don plan as una go share the stipends weh the guy suppose bring,
Yet a bottom feeder like you wants to feed my generation?

I can't even remember ever taking things to my mother-in-law before we got married, because what will I give her and her husband? They live in Ikoyi, they have houses in Lekki, not one, not two, not three, but six. With not yet developed land around that axis. Guess where I come from and live with my parents - Ajegunle So, wetin you wan give that kind person? Right now, me and their daughter live in the abroad happily married with kids. I think that lady's family are poor.

Trayceey:
I Need Your Opinion On This Issue That's Threatening My Relationship

My fiance wanted to come to the house to see my mum but I told him I won't be around because I'm about heading out to somewhere, so he asked me if my mum would be around, then I said yes and he said he would still go to see her and it doesn't matter if I'm not around.

When I later got home that night, my mum complained that he came empty handed. He didn't bring anything for her and she was the one who offered him her drink.

Although initially, I didn't see anything wrong with that but when my mum expressed her displeasure, I later called him to ask why he came to the house empty handed then I let him know I wasn't happy with him, that it would have been better if he didn't come. He tried arguing with me but I hung up.

Since then, we haven't spoken to each other nor visited each other. Was I wrong?

You are obviously from a poverty stricken home. Your now (hopefully) ex-bf dodged a bullet.

TransAtlanticEx:

Speak for your clan,we don't do that where I come from and I'm also igbo.
We are not beggars and we like to hold our heads up high,
Giving should only come from the givers own volition and not some silly expectation,
Atleast where I come from.

God bless you. For a minute there i thought he was speaking for the Igbos. I haven't had much run in with Igbos that much. I mean, why so much emphasis on the gift for godsake. People have alot on their head, and s0me0ne c0mes to see you, all you can think of is gift? In my family, n0t talking abt tribe, we value presence above anything. There was a time when a relative's fiancee's in laws kept sending gifts, it got to a time where we were like, we can't be receiving gifts if we d0n't get to see the pers0n. We thanked them, and rejected the gifts. We aren't rich, but in alot of ways, we see gifts as s0mewhat insulting if there isn't an occassi0n behind it.

TransAtlanticEx:
Are you sure you really wanna do this?
Cos I'm ready when you are.
Feed me and my family( a whole my family ooo) for ages yet your mama dey want kill herself say your fiance no buy bread for am?.
Why not use that money weh you want use am feed me and my generation buy your mama provisions keep for house na
And somehow its from this miserly,miserable existence that you wanna feed my family(really rich ) from?
My eldest sister got married in 2004,in 2003 when the man came for introduction,he wore shorts and was empty handed.
You know why?There was nothing he could bring that we don't have and he knew it
What you could have done sef to even cover your bf is send some money to your thirsty mom and claim your bf sent it,but instead you fought with him over it,maybe because you and your mama don plan as una go share the stipends weh the guy suppose bring,
Yet a bottom feeder like you wants to feed my generation?

This your argument doesn't hold water. Truth be said, as Africans no matter how rich your Inlaws are, courtesy demands that you take something there when visiting. stop batching her afterall her mother was right
Marriage is for men not boys, if you are not ready, don't start.

ceeceeuwa:

Don't bother arguing with them. Most of them are still teenagers with opera mini free mb.
At least your mom played her part by hosting your boyfriend. Also, it's possible the guy is not well schooled on how to treat would be inlaws, you owe it to him to educate him in a subtle manner. Your approach to the matter must have put him off.

listen, we humans are the ones putting unnecessary pressure and expectati0ns on ourselves and others. S0me0ne in g0od spirit, came to see you, to build a rapport. Which one is the m0re emphasis on gift? Or any0ne playing their part by giving drink. I d0n't think the guy came all the way for a drink or all the way to hand her a gift, else he would have d0ne that without a visit. Yes, he could have visited with s0mething in hand, but the issue here is that the in law t0ok fault with the man n0t bringing gift like he was under c0mpulsi0n.

Just want to be sure if the young man has visited before, before I make my conclusion

osazsky:
yes o more than 10 times only once the bf couldnt offer gift and d beachh couldnt cover for him spits..how i wish i had d poor guys numb..this is a death trap i swear..but some guys nor get sence cuz of stupid smelling rotten over wide ashewo puna.i can nerver put my dik in dat pit God forpid spits

Mariangeles:


OK. Fair then.

Where I come from, we're culturally raised to go bearing gifts whenever we visited places like your in-laws or your maternal home.

I remember my grandfather giving us fresh palm wine to give to his in-laws on his behalf(my mother's family).
It is an act of honour, and not of compulsion.

if it is n0t of c0mpulsi0n, why the insistence? You are being ir0nic.

Mariangeles:


We are Africans. Let us be honest with ourselves.

A man going alone to visit his would-be mother in-law empty handed is a red flag. Something to worry about.
What was the purpose of the visit?
Even as a female, it is still wrong to go visit the mother of the man you're going to marry empty handed.

Materialistic people everywhere..., So coming to check up on somebody is bad.? Her mum is already acting entitled to his benevolence without giving out her daughter in marriage to her.

Trayceey:
I Need Your Opinion On This Issue That's Threatening My Relationship

My fiance wanted to come to the house to see my mum but I told him I won't be around because I'm about heading out to somewhere, so he asked me if my mum would be around, then I said yes and he said he would still go to see her and it doesn't matter if I'm not around.

When I later got home that night, my mum complained that he came empty handed. He didn't bring anything for her and she was the one who offered him her drink.

Although initially, I didn't see anything wrong with that but when my mum expressed her displeasure, I later called him to ask why he came to the house empty handed then I let him know I wasn't happy with him, that it would have been better if he didn't come. He tried arguing with me but I hung up.

Since then, we haven't spoken to each other nor visited each other. Was I wrong?

My dear don't let anybody deceive you oh.
Popular opinion is not always right.
Our fiance was very wrong. Very very wrong.
In our country It is disrespectful to visit the elderly without a gift.
Even abroad when invited for dinner or visit, you take a bottle of wine, biscuits, or flowers.
In the Bible it's same, you must go with gifts.
I don't know about the quoran though.
Marry a generous man

Trayceey:
must you be insulting? With the way you sound, u re not responsible and reasonable enough, so your opinion doesn't count

You’re incorrigible.. and trapped in entitlement mentality.. If you have a dad, is he also expecting a gift??

SweetCunt97:
But you know it ain't cool to go see an intending in law empty handed nwokem. The lady no wise though

n0t the first time he was visiting. See ehn, you people should be c0nsiderate. Even if it's the 1st visit, n0thing should be expected. Every man has a life to live.

Trayceey, i wanted to give you the huge insult but the honourables have done the justice



when your mom complained of that, you're suppose to defend him that he's not like that, mommy he came to see you from a friend place bla bla..... just an excuse to clear her impression about him while you use sense to tell your fiance to get her something in the next visit


because of lack of sense, you've made, two people to have bad impression about themselves, this is not a good beginning or you think you can marry without your husband having relationship with your parent?

SweetCunt97:
Be wise, talk or relate with wisdom. She's your mom does not make her immune to mistakes. Remember say na you wan marry, and such action will make d man think twice and you'll continue washing plates and sweeping d house for ur mom. Better get sense and call him... Simply tell him it's a cultural something.

rem0ve cultural s0mething in this instance. It den0tes s0mething else and presents a bad representati0n at this point.

J111333:
My dear, that was just an ordinary hello visit. He didn't go there with elders, neither was it the first time he visited.

The first time, yes I will go there with probably a bottle of wine for her dad and on my way out, share some money to the kids around. I also will give some money to her mum if they are not financially comfortable. I say this because I see giving cash to financially comfortable people as insulting.

Other times, I may buy some beverages and I may not. It's not mandatory and it depends on my relationship with the intending mum in law. I won't want to give the impression that I'm trying to buy her consent.

exactly. In my own family, we see it this way. We find it insulting if an in law or guest keeps c0ming with gifts every time. We value humanity above gifts.

ceeceeuwa:

Don't bother arguing with them. Most of them are still teenagers with opera mini free mb.
At least your mom played her part by hosting your boyfriend. Also, it's possible the guy is not well schooled on how to treat would be inlaws, you owe it to him to educate him in a subtle manner. Your approach to the matter must have put him off.

calling people you don't know a teenager is out of it but I wouldn't blame you for that but the system who breed the kind of unmatured youth now are days, firstly the boy has no right to visit his girlfriend in her absent because he knows that the girl wouldn't be around so he has no business visiting her mother, secondly for her mother expecting and complaining of such from a boyfriend of her daughter is not only bad but worst thirdly attacking your boyfriend because of that is unnecessary it only shows you and your mother are after a material gain from his visit not his kindness.i wish most of you girls if now are days should stop the sense of entitlement he own your mother nothing and if I was the guy that is the end between us.