Just Drop A Smile - Jokes Etc (5) - Nairaland
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| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Idowuogbo(f): 11:30am On May 05, 2011 |
El Guapo:u dey craze o , me national diploma  , shey u don finish vulcanizer apprentice ni nonsense   |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 11:45am On May 05, 2011 |
^ I be Oga naa Lol U don forget the other day u waka pass my workshop wiv ur tray of akara and bread, u 4got to drop some 4 ma boys A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?" |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 11:55am On May 05, 2011 |
At a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the Balkan Peninsula, a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that the minister of justice, who had been sitting on his left, had stolen his watch. "Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the prime minister, in tones of annoyance. "I will get it back for you." Sure enough, toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its owner. "And what did he say?" asked the diplomat. "Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't know that I have got it back." |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by yinkalink(f): 12:37pm On May 05, 2011 |
Lol. U'r better than him jo. |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 1:17pm On May 05, 2011 |
Huh? No let that aproko nigger hear u say that oo to avoid stories that touch |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by yinkalink(f): 3:48pm On May 05, 2011 |
Who cares? Dont dare me, i might just tell it to his face. |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 10:22pm On May 05, 2011 |
Yepa my love don dey high! See muscles haba u even cari 6 packs ni, basketmouth u don die  |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Natasha2(f): 11:27pm On May 05, 2011 |
| emm good night |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 7:01am On May 06, 2011 |
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane, " 2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land, it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee, "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight Bleep to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, Unfortunately none of them are on this flight, ! 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by jackpot(f): 8:22am On May 06, 2011 |
El Guapo:El, this your new post didn't appear? |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by jackpot(f): 10:09am On May 06, 2011 |
Natasha,,:   |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by jackpot(f): 10:10am On May 06, 2011 |
El, you posted a joke now and you got banned by spam-bot, abi? The joke is in your posts but it doesn't show here. |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by jackpot(f): 10:19am On May 06, 2011 |
El, I tried quoting it so that it would appear, but I got banned too. Just regained my freedom now. . .lolz |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 11:56am On May 06, 2011 |
| Thats ur reward for quoting wivout permission frm me, who told u i was banned? The person wey wan ban me dey wan make em lose em job? Am unbannable, infact na me dey sponsor Seun for this ground! lol |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by jackpot(f): 12:59pm On May 06, 2011 |
Ok. . .can you tell me why your post I quoted didn't show? Maybe you are spamming NL with copy&paste long textbook jokes from other sites and the spambot frowned at it! That joke is nearly up to 5000 characters! |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by jackpot(f): 1:00pm On May 06, 2011 |
Ok. . .can you tell me why your post I quoted didn't show? Maybe you are spamming NL with copy&paste long textbook jokes from other sites and the spambot frowned at it! That joke is nearly up to 5000 characters! |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 3:59pm On May 06, 2011 |
Lol @ Mr Jackpot Brova u must not know everything ok! EL GUAPO Resident Moderator |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 4:05pm On May 06, 2011 |
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi- tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 4:11pm On May 06, 2011 |
A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later to pick them up. He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot. "There is no way the plane can take all this bush meat. We will have to leave a third of it behind." "But we did it last year", the hunters insisted. "The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours" The pilot hesitated, but then decided to take their word for it. "Well, if you did it last year, I suppose we can do it again this year." The plane took off. As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. it crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the plane, dazed but glad to be alive. "I wonder where we are," the pilot asked. One of the hunters looked around, "Don't worry, I think we are just 15 metres east of where we crashed last year." |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 4:18pm On May 06, 2011 |
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car, he got to a check point. The policeman stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people?" The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here. The policeman said: "all these people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading!!! |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by yinkalink(f): 6:18pm On May 06, 2011 |
Lol @ am xpectin a fax. Good jokes but the last one was real old. Dont stop now remember we‘r goin till hundred. |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 8:32pm On May 06, 2011 |
^ Yes Señorita but er my love if we dont make this upto 100 n Jesus comes, hope u wont xpect me to continue it in heaven? |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 8:49pm On May 06, 2011 |
Jackpot i took that post of mine off to land this one >>> This really happened while i was home last Yr Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (Boniface) welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south. If luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village! Nigeria Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with great pleasure; I announce that since starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God! We regret to inform you, that today ’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Al Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no smoking allowed in this plane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark! Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seatbelt. For those of you who can’t find a seatbelt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat …and for those of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase." Enjoy Nigeria Airways |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 8:59pm On May 06, 2011 |
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they've got Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup all over their robes; hamhocks, Isi-ewu, Cow- feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold. Some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are soda bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles." The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? What the.! , !, hold on one minute." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't belieee, hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!!" |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by yinkalink(f): 11:08pm On May 06, 2011 |
Tehehehehehe |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 10:20am On May 07, 2011 |
A plane was about to crash and 3 women were planning how they would be rescued after the crash. The jewish woman put on her expensive diamonds, ''the rescuers will see the sparkle and rescue me first'' she reasoned. The French woman started applying her make-up, ''well, I hope they see all the colour combination and they get to rescue me first''. The Nigeria woman stripped unclothed just a few seconds to the crash. ''Why did u do that?'' the other ladies asked her. ''Well, everybody knows that the first thing they look for after a plane crash is, the black box!'' |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 10:29am On May 07, 2011 |
There was a plane going overseas. The pilot realized after they had taken off that the plane was carrying too much weight. If they didn't lighten the load they were going to crash. So they dumped the freight. The plane was still too heavy. Then they dumped the luggage. Still too heavy! So the pilot announced to the passengers what was going on, and asked for about 15 volunteers to jump off the plane with a parachute. The navy had been alerted, so they would have ships waiting for them below. And they would get a pass to fly free on this airline for the rest of their lives. No one budged. The pilot asked again, still no one moved. So the pilot says: "OK, we're going to do pick people to jump, but fairly. We'll go by alphabet, race by race: Please All African Americans step to the front of the plane now!" No one moved. He then says: "All Blacks, step to the front, please." No one still moved. "All Coloreds step to the front, please." Still no one moved. At this point a little boy asked his father: "Dad, aren't we African American or Black or Colored?" The father says: "No, son, today we're Negroes. And if someone doesn't hurry up and step up to the front, we're gonna be Zulu!" |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 10:32am On May 07, 2011 |
A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said "Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?" "No, I didn't know that." The man replied. "So what color are your wife's eyes?" asked the friend. The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out." So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, "Oh my God! Brown!" Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, "How the hell did you know I was here?" |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Phate07(m): 1:13pm On May 07, 2011 |
El, why are you stealing some of my jokes? |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by yinkalink(f): 3:32pm On May 07, 2011 |
Did u copyryt 'em? El, d jokes u post naw v an aviation tinge in 'em. Gud work |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Nobody: 4:01pm On May 07, 2011 |
Phate07:Lol Phate that aint the right way to say sorry for breaching the 'All right reserved trademark' imprinted on my jokes! I go alert the EFCC bout ur piracy moves @Yinka, sweet mami! Hope we're rite on track? **kisses her** u've been starving me of that 4 ages |
| Re: Just Drop A Smile by Phate07(m): 10:48pm On May 07, 2011 |
I have already contacted my lawyers. I want to sue first so i wont be sued later, when i start stealing some of these jokes.  |
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