@poster


that was pretty dumb

and for once i would have to disagree with most people here

cheating on a person is just not the act alone

cheating aint easy, apart from the act you need a mindset for cheating(by not feeling too guilty)

this my dear you sadly lack, the reason why you dont enjoy sex with your hubby is cos you are guilt ridden , sadly so i doubt that situation would change anytime soon


except

1) you continue cheating actively and develop the mindset

2)you come out clean and hope to God he can forgive you(cos we men have a tendency to forget our own misgivings but not our wife's)



thats the bottom line ooo


if you dont do any of this above,i doubt you would get a 100% out of that marriage you would either remain guilty all the time or have little or no cravings for your hubby

its Psychological


all the grammer and eloquence written here , are just words of people that mean well, but dont know sh*t about your situation,

you got you into this ,you definately can get you outta of it



am rooting for you and your marriage working though

hate to see unions breakup, the more marriages work for people the more hope

people like me actually have at making it also work for us

what and u did was wrong and its good u realise that urself but telling him will do u more harm than good just keep it to urself and make sure nver repeats itself. all the best

POSTER

Yea i think stuffs like that are bound to happen,I feel SEX in marriage is not well appreciated in africa esp.

The pure solution is for both of you to talk about it and then end up seeing a SEX therapist,some guys,girls dating even do it,so aint no biggie in it ok.

N dont even try to confess to him oo,I ll rather not have an inkling of it if i was ur Husby.I know you may be tempted to do it outside again,pls dont or else!!!!,

@poster

A lot of those advicing you to confess have either never been in this sitaution or are underestimating the seriousness of the issue.

Here's what you may not know: the fastest/most guaranteed way to end your relationship or marraige to a guy is to "confess" to infidelity. Trust me. And like someone said earlier on, we (men) are never quite able to handle this - "nice" or "bad" guy - it cuts across.

O.k, let's just say 1 out of a million guys would live with this. But this odd guy will most likely be sufering from some kind of complex or is "living" with the sitaution just so he can have a defence for misbehaving in the future.

Did you do a very wrong thing? Yes. Do wish you'd never done that? you bet. But the most important thing is to rid yourself of the guilt. Seek forgiveness from God, forgive yourself, then think of it as a mistake that will inadvertently perk up your marriage; take something positive out of this. It's already happened but at least, now you know where/how you need to be touched, the most pleasant positions, the right speed/strenght of the thrusts etc (no puns intended) for more enjoyable sex. How about working to help inprove your husband in this aspect?

Bob James:

I can feel your pain my sister.I think i am qualified to advice you on this matter. I have a similar problem in my marriage of 10 years. i love my wife but the of her office takes her awya fron the family and ofcourse our marriage and sex life was not any better for it. i caught stumbled on several love letters wrtten to her by a man she claims to be her biz partner. unknown to me she was seeing the man and only God knows if she has not slept with him because, one of the mails talked of the kisses they shared and the secrets known to both of them. That shartered me and for sure i broke loose. i must say i usually don't enjoy sex with my wife but when i do it outside, its very pleasurable. i love to be the christian that i am but this issue has been a recurring decimalin my marriage. i prayed, fasted but it seems like a cross i have to bear. i don't think i deserve to carry that cross since all was finished at the \cross of Christ. At tghe moment i have a steady relationship outside of my marriage and it keeps me going emotionally and sexually. before now, i may be denied sex for 2 months.or just twice a month. i am a sexually active person.
To your problem, confess and forsake, seek counsel and forgive him too.
i have sought counsel and prayed but i think my wife is frigid when it comes to sex. her clit was cut off as a result of female circumcision.
Keep praying for me.

Bro,
As i said before, there is no one particular solution to marital issues, no one can give the exact solution to it every marital problem is unique on its own. its either you use your own initiative or a devine initiative. Which ever one you use you will be the one to execute it.
You can enjoy love making with your wife if you choose to, it is a choice you have to make. she can receive love letters from anybody but your relationship with her will determine whether to take them serious. Every woman has a formula during love making if you get the right oneone she you will both enjoy it. Please don't give up on her. I'll be ready to tell you more if you want me to.
Mr Romantic

Cheating Wife + Cheating Husband = Cheating Couple. Very Easy to Deduce Equation Right?

Well I guess the both of you are Guilty!. The funny thing is that the ball has been set rolling. Hard as this may sound. This is just the beginning of a Cheating Game in which the end result would be very Painful. The only thing that can forestall this is a true, contrite and genuine re-connection to the Most Divine. Ask God for Help!! Seek His Face.

Unless you both heal your hearts and change your thought patterns both of you will end up very sad. Your actions were as a result of preconceived intention to cheat. Hmm Ex Uite. Were You a Queenite? I knew most Queenites to be cheats back at UI. They were very good at it, though mostly discreet. The Idiates though Raw, were more down to earth.

I miss those Good Old Pristine Days ( Talk about Nostalgia )

Dbisi, in 3 short words. DONT YOU DARE.

I am married and I have made a few mistakes myself. But I know one thing. Most all men cant handle such confessions.

Determine not to err anymore and let sleeping dogs lie. Infidelity give only a very short term fulfilment. Then the guilt kicks.Work at your marriage. Talk about your dissatisfaction with sex TACTFULLY. Then hope for the best.

PLS DONT TELL HIM. HE'LL THROW YOU OUT. ABEG O. YOU SEF,WHY U GO DEY MISSLEEP?

Ok let me get something first, You are a Virgin b4 you married.
Now that you are married and your hubby disVirgined you and i must say, that is suppose to be the only taste of sex you have had since your lyf, how then did you notice that the teste was not good or enjoyable if you have not tested it before your hubby did it to you. For you as a virgin and hard had only one man in ur lyf it will be that sex is not enjoyable as people make it to be think and not that ur hus is not good at it.

@Topic
Never you ever think of telling him, just take it as a burden you will bear for the rest of your lyf cos if you do and he decide to part way with you beleive me that wil be the end of married lyf for you unless you do not want to marry again otherwise it is on your CV for lyf. Do u have Kid(s)? That might Keep the marriage if you tell him but let it be known to you that it won't be as smooth as before.
Plz never you try it again and delete that guy and his number from your mind and fone for ever if you still love ur hubby.

AUNTY I THINK U HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.ONLY WITH YOUR HUSBAND ? THEN ITHINK U SHOULD CONFESS TO HIM U HAVE TO FIND A PARMANENT SOLUTION TOGETHER.I THINK U SHOULD SEE YOUR PASTOR IF U AR CHRISTAINS A PSYCHOLOGIST AND A MEDICAL DOCTOR.GOOD LUCK .DONT NEED 2 TELL U YOUR HUSBANDS REACTION WHEN U TELL HIM

Dbisi,

I understand the pain and anguish that you must be going through as a result of the guilt. The reality is that you cannot undo the act. It will be forever be part of your history, secret or no secret. You must appraise your relationship with your husband and decide whether you want a future with him or not. I would advise that you do not tell him, as this will only compound the situation. Nothing good will come out of it that way. You have confessed to this forum, but you also need to confess to God and ask for God's forgiveness.

Don't be troubled by those who appear to be judgemental or hurling insults at you. Most people are hypocrites. They may not or have not cheated on their partner(s) granted, but that does not make them saints in every other area. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" Jesus said. Now, avoid circumstances that would bring you to close proximity with your ex. No phone contacts, no e-mails, no text messages, no visits , just cut off. Most importantly, you have to forgive yourself for the mistake and put it in the past. You won't forget!

I think there is a fundamental problem in your relationship with your husband and I suspect it's a lack of communication. You have yet to express your needs to him in the area of sexual fulfilment or he has yet to appreciate his short comings. People have different preferences and as long as you don't communicate your needs to him, he will be unable to satisfy you in that area. Of course there's the emotional connection angle which many women feel, but men don't really understand. Overcoming this hurdle can be an intimidating challenge for some people. But there are several non-verbal cues that you can use. I cannot go into any specifics here as this medium might be inappropriate.

You have to learn to bring out the best in your husband and teach him how to bring out the best in you by showing more love towards each other and learning how to be affectionate and romantic. If you've been married for a long time and set in your love making and romantic routines, don't let that discourage you. Things can still change for the better.

I wish you all the best and hope you can forgive yourself and move on. Devote yourself to your husband and teach him how to be devoted to you. Don't let this slip ruin your marriage.

Good Luck!

@poster,
I think i am here to tell u the blunt truth. If u really want to live a free person marraige or no marraige, TELL HIM EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SITUATION & DAMN THE CONSEQUENCIES. man dies but ones and do all ur best to make him understand why.
For if u conceal it,U will never have peace even in your marraige. He will find more confidence in you if u could come out and tell him this. else oneday, i mean oneday he might get to know and even if he doesnt u will continue to be tourmented by that secret.
Save ur conscience and emotions, i bet u he will not divorce u, and u shall remember i said it.

1 love

i think you left too much information, ur name is debisi and u went to u.i!!!, nairaland is not such a big secret, if your husband decides to visit someday,

kerenti:

@poster
You are not serious a bit,you heard such voice mail,instead of you confronting your husby,you went ahead and have sex with another man.Is it 100% sure that he has cheated on you?Sometimes,you'll be almost sure something has happened but explanation will make you look like a fool.Now,you enjoy sex with the man and not your husband again, i bet you,one way or the other you will still go back to your ex for more sex and will eventually lead to you packing out from your husby's house sooner than later.Didn't even think of how faithful you had been,it's not that easy been a virgin until marriage, when you were free to have sex with people,you didn't and now that it may lead you to having a miserable life for the rest of your life(what if he gets to know?)you now do it.My advice is that you don't tell your husband,you MUST find a way to enjoy sex with him(your husband) and never go back to your ex again.NA WETIN DEY SWEET DEY KILL PERSON OOO!

I would have advised you to tell him but some men like me will never forgive you.Even if i manage to do so(which is not likely),i will never never forget,i will always talk about it when we talk at times and the incidence will give me the right to do whatever i like with other women,i wouldn't even mind if you get to know about it.I don't think there's a way he'll know if you don't tell him nor continue with the act.

u dont need more than this advice, though hot but very real

Well, i dont know what to tell you considering that am not married but i believe u that u have a problem, Thats the first step agreeing that u have a problem. Find out y u enjoyed sex with ur guy and not with ur husband. What did he do to u that was interesting to u?what are those things that turned u on or excites u that he did that work up ur spirit? find out.i am not saying go back and do it again cos ias far as am concern u might have gone back and had another round with ur ex considering that he was the only one that knows how to push ur button.What stops u from going back for another action? Becareful and dont kid around, dont ever think about going back cos the next time u do, believe gul u will not feel remorse but that u r doing the right thing. i want u to be careful and dont tell ur husband but some of my lander are wrong some guys can actually take it if they love u. BUt dont tell ur husband about ur unfaithfulness but u can talk to him about ur problem. Maybe he is a lion in bed but when he comes to u, he pretends to be soft or maybe he does not want to show u that he like it rough. Also, u should let ur husband know that u have this problem and let u 2 experiment in love making. Tell him what u have observed that turn u on and let him do it the way the other guy did it. i promise u , u will start loving it.

Well, i dont know what to tell you considering that am not married but i believe u that u have a problem, Thats the first step agreeing that u have a problem. Find out y u enjoyed sex with ur guy and not with ur husband. What did he do to u that was interesting to u?what are those things that turned u on or excites u that he did that work up ur spirit? find out.i am not saying go back and do it again cos ias far as am concern u might have gone back and had another round with ur ex considering that he was the only one that knows how to push ur button.What stops u from going back for another action? Becareful and dont kid around, dont ever think about going back cos the next time u do, believe gul u will not feel remorse but that u r doing the right thing. i want u to be careful and dont tell ur husband but some of my lander are wrong some guys can actually take it if they love u. BUt dont tell ur husband about ur unfaithfulness but u can talk to him about ur problem. Maybe he is a lion in bed but when he comes to u, he pretends to be soft or maybe he does not want to show u that he like it rough. Also, u should let ur husband know that u have this problem and let u 2 experiment in love making. Tell him what u have observed that turn u on and let him do it the way the other guy did it. i promise u , u will start loving it.

@poster

I will advise you not to confess to him as that will ruin your marriage(If you want to stay married to him). If on the other hand you cannot enjoy sex with him then there is still dat problem of the marriage not working. PLease note that sex is the necessary ingredient required to oil a blissful marriage! I dont think you truly love your husband so if you search your heart and think that you dont, then you should tell him you know he's been cheating on you and also confess that you have cheated on him and the only reason you did cheat on him is becos you dont love him anymore. If you dont love him, do not consider friends and family in orrder to continue to struggle and keep the marriage whilst you remain in bondage cos you will only continue cheating on him and messing yourself up.

Think of it real good and make your decision.

Cheers

I know is not good to tell as to protect your marriage but for me as the male I prefer you tell me since you find out that I do such first then we have 2 adjust but how can we trust each other? (It all depends how u tell me probably e.g. as in a funny way).
"confront the lady maybe she wants to spoil your marriage but if true, tell your husband that if he dont want u, he should stop and do something before he spoils the marriage ooooo. then u can set him up wisely to sit him up (maybe as in e.g. chatwith ur cousin 2 in his presence, I know he would like 2 know who u are chatting with but be careful).

It is not only men that have 2 cheat why women accept it . it pains vice versa but if u found out from me red handed and U know I love u, and how we value our family u better tell me so that we can do something about it before it is too late because if another person let it out I would not be happy when it is too late telling and hiding from me in the house.

(see I do = u do) then we have to change and sort it out and never again cos outsider can never help our marriage. I prefer it that way

@ poster

Honesty is the policy was how parents brought us up but as an adult (i don't mean to sound bad) honesty is not always the best policy, if you know your marriage is strong enough to survive this, then go ahead and tell him, but personally i would say you shouldn't, as he's already accused you of cheating on him before marriage, he might think you've been doing it all along, as you said you don't enjoy sex with him, he could have figured this out too himself but his ego might not have let him say nothing now telling him you cheated on him could be a disaster, he could put two and two together and get six and thought the reason why you dont enjoy it with him is because you were getting it elsewhere, but if you know that someone knows what you've done and could tell him, then i'll say it's better it comes from you but if not dont, but pls dont do it again, try and work on your marriage.

About not enjoying sex with him, well i think it's might have to do with you bitter with him, what i mean is that, you might still feel angry about him accusing you of cheating on him two months before marriage, you said he later found out it wasn't the case, that means he must have gone to some extent to find out if it was true or not and that couldn't have been pleasant for you, it could be he spoke to your friends, ex's, family etc, he could have even been he threatened to call it off if he found it was true, i really don't know if things went these way but if it did then surely you'll still be bitter as pain during sex (if not medical) could be a sign that mentally your heart was not into it but physically you're into it , which could make you not sexual arouse, and could make you feel not passionate about making love to him, the only way out is to talk about it, tell him how you felt when he accused you of cheating, sometimes just saying sorry is not enough, he might need to make it up to you somehow also tell him you heard his voice mail as that would also be eating you up as he needs to apologise for being hyprocritical , also find a way to spice up things, e.g go away for a romantic weekend, you don't have to travel out, book an hotel room for example, have romantic meals, (restaurants, let him cook for u, take away etc), do things you do when dating etc you might start seeing him in a different light.

@Dbisi

Hey, please don't destroy your marriage by telling this man what will destroy him ! Like most people on this board has said, guys can't take confessions like this. The same thing happened to me last year, she did not tell me but i found out through her text messages on her phone. I felt like throwing-up, my stomach couldn't take it. I regret checking that phone and i regret not forgiving her. After 10 years of courtship, i let her go and now she is married to someone else. But i feel free though! Forget what happened in the past and look forward to the future, indulge yourself in a lot of prayers and renew your relationship with your man and i'm sure he will notice the difference and love you more. Believe me prayers works !! Always remember that you are not in a dating game anymore, this is marriage and it is serious business ! Trust me, if you let this mistake ruin your marriage, your husband and you will never be the same. Scars like that is not good for any life !

VOMITING, you have said it all. i only wish this lady will learn from your posting.am indeed proud of you and pray to be blessed with a woman with same mentality.

as for the poster, for you to be feel remorse for your disgraceful action it shows you still have some morals left in you.
Take it that the infidelity of a man is not enough or any reason at all for the woman to follow suit.Learn to discuss your problems and have them resolved.Two wrongs can never make a right.

my advice - confront your husband with your sexual problem;present it in a subtle manner;don't nag or make him feel like a failure in bed;present it like a mutual problem;avoid anything that will be suggestive of threat.possibly do this while in bed with him,hope you understand what i mean.

And for your infidelity, keep it to yourself,but never repeat it or you will be doomed - that is my prayer for people like you.

@ poster
I feel u on this tip. U know ur husband and how he reacts to issues so i'll break it down like this:
- If he there is any chance that he could find out what u did, then perhaps u should tell him before he does.
- If u feel he would be able to handle the truth maturedly, then u should clear ur conscience by telling him. From ur post, I get the impression he wont take it well.
-My personal advice is not to tell him. Ignorance is bliss. I gather from ur post that he is also cheating on you so its kinda like poetic justice hey?

About ur sex life, u need to ask urself what ur husband is doing wrong dat d other guy did rite. Perhaps, it is a trust issue. Ask urself whether u still luv ur husband; whether u still feel like his wife. Confront him with the fact that u know he is cheating on you and seek professional help if u have to. Goodluck 2 u and I hope u find happiness again.

hi, i read about ur affair with ur ex while u are still married to ur husband, i must say dat is very wrong of u. no matter wat ur husband did or u hear else where is not a reason for u to cheat on him, confront him and seek repentance from him and not to indulge in a similar act. although its not good for a man to cheat on the wife, but its an abomination for the wife to cheat on the husband. so be very careful of wat u do while u are in marriage.
On weather u should tell him, i will say wat the ear does not hear, the heart does not grieve about

As for ur sexual life, the problem lies within u,
first, i dont think u luv him from ur heart, secondly, u've not accepted him as ur husband in ur heart and thirdly, both of u are not friends so am not surprised, how can u enjoy sex with someone u have no feelings for. giving an opportunity, u had sex with ur ex and u enjoyed it, wat does dat tells u? YOUR FEELINGS AND MIND IS SOMEWHERE ESLE.
Take a biro and paper and write out the things u like about ur husband and see if u can come with something tangible,
marriage is not something u force ur self into, u should have listened to ur self before u entered and save urself the problems u re having now.

i strongly go against divoice so here are some tips u can used to save ur marriage,

See urself as a wife and know the meaning of being a wife and wat it takes to be a wife

Start with a pray to God, tell him to forgive u ur sins and to give u the strength u need to make ur marriage a success. be sure u are not going to fall for such temptations again.
Discard watever relationship u have with ur ex or any body in dat region.
Be a friend to ur husband, seek and reach out to him, know him like u've neva known anyone in ur life before, discuss everything with him theres no hold bares,
Be a mother to him, love and care for him. know wat his doing and where his going. discuss the future with him.
A llow ur feelings to grow and Be a lover to him, When ure together, be relaxed, be romantic with sexy things around u. dont rush the moment its a gradual thing. if he rushes u, tell him no, he should be slow and take it gradually.discover places dat turns u on likewise him and see how the tempo builds.

If in ur heart u want the marriage to be, God will surely give u the strength, wisdom, understanding , knowledge to enjoy the bliss of marriage.
Goodluck

hmm . . . well, well, well. . . I think u should tell him if he went behind ur back & had sex with another lady!
He can get angry, but he is also guilty, u two are marred and should be able tu confide in each other rather than go behind each other's back cheating . . .

I think the foundation for this wedding is faulty. u shouldnt marry out of pity in the first instance, when u felt akward the first time, u should have chickened out.
The reasons why this is happening is cos that wedding should have occured.
Now ure married, u must live with it.
ADVICE: Dont u dare tell him or you will be crying all the days of your marriage.
Continue sleeping with that guy if thats the only thing that gives you joy.
Seek the attention of your pastor or Imam for some spiritual advice.

@ufobabe
infact clear your mind. nothing happened ok.

sit him down and tell him about the pains that u feel each time u he goes down.if u can't tell him, the pain will continue. rather both of u should see a doctor.

don't forget NOT 2 TELL HIM. men are more jealous than us.

Ladies are more jealouse dear

Well, I don't know the thread poster' tribe. But in Delta State, that' where I come from. Its a taboo that naturally cost the woman' life if she ever attempts doing such.

so, I can't take myself as a guy.

Ur problem is psycological.

From ur story, it all started from when ur hubby disvirgined you.
Then i dnt think you were ready. Thats why u av physical pain and not enjoying the sex. Since the day u were disvirgined ur brain has registerd that pain.

All u need to do i to clear ur head of that psycological pain.

And besides i believe yr hubby did not disvirgin u well, he might av rushed u then to cos a lot pf pain, thats a lot of mistakes men make with virgin.

I cant tell u to confess to him abt u cheating on hi, its up to you.

Anyway all the best, and try and repair ur marriage.

ti aja ba fori komi a mona ile olowo re, a yoruba adage

english: when dog had being hitted on d street, he will go back to his owner's house. just example.

one day either you or your husband will hitted a stone of shame outside your marriage and come back home for pleading, which might lead to separation. Both of you don't experience a financial problem but sex issue, i fink with money you can both enjoy your marital home. Henceforth you people should tried always goin to church together, host house fellowship and you woman should go straight to your pastor, elaborate and cofess to him. your pastor knows how to handle the situation and both of you should be eating in one dish, if your hubby isn't back frm werk wait 4 him , let him know that is becos of him u neva eat your meal. he will show passion and is the one that will kindle the fire before u know what to do as good wife. if you scatter you marital home now it might be possible that u might not find a good one like him again, he's still good for,agent u know is better than a saint u don't knw.

just 4get about telling ur husband the trash, becos we are all humans he will be imaging hw he use to sleep with other girls and he might be imaging how they did to you too, and that can make him pretend to forgive you but neva in his mind forget and forgive u. let the memories die and don't go around with another person, tell the person u are havin secret affairswith and separate in peace. when u have the first child u will be happy and love your husband again.

My sista,

sorry that revenge led you to such act but 1st you got to understand that forgiveness starts from the heart, so forgive yourself and give ur life to Jesus Christ He is the only one that can heal the wound tell your husband the truth. I believe God will help u.
Gudluck

well, may be i will start by telling you my own story

my girl friend of 8 year confessed to me two days after i had proposed that she had cheated on  me a couple of times. she said she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, but couldn't live with the burden of not letting me know the things she did. to say the least, the impact of that confession was shattering, cos she was my best friend and i had grown to trust her so much. it opened a new vista in our relationship, as i grew to find out that i didn't know her as much as i thot i did. of course i reacted like everyother guy and attempted to bolt out

she ran to my mum, her mum and my younger sister who she knew was the closest to me in my family. and one by one all three women called me up, long and Short was that they all felt if i could let it go then i should, that she deserved a second chance.my mum told me that the virtue of the courage to open up, towers above the vice of  the betrayal, my younger sister also echoed the same sentiments

i was baffled, that the two women who i knew loved me so much they could give anything for my happiness were actually lobbying for a woman who had been unfaithful to me. in the 12months that proceeded, i talked to as many female strangers as possible about the experience in a bid to get vast feminine opinions, in the end i must have talked to about 500 women of different ages , status and creed, and out of the crowd, only an amazing 2 said i should quit. then i realised that almost everywoman could or have done that before, and thats why they were sympathetic. this is directly opposed to men's expectation of women.

this incident made me grow up in a way i never could have, and  with time i let go and forgave. then i realised i never stooped loving  her for a second in spite of the infidelity. we became closer and i began to discover her more than i could ever imagine.she be came a more confident person, and that dark cloud that always hung somewhere about her loyalty to me faded away, and gave way to a relationship where i realised that i didn't have an infallible angel, but a woman, who needed my undying commitment, support and friendship to be the woman i wanted her to be and two years after the confession, i got married to her.

time has passed on from that time, and i don't have any regrets at all. i have watched my best friend grow into a model woman and wife, not the type that feigns but the one that is, becos she know who she is.

now you need to decide whether you want to completely turn your life around from a woman who can cheat her husband to one who can't. and if you intend to do so you need to realise that its God who would do it for you, and you need to realise that if your repentance is complete, that God will fight for you like He did for my wife. if that decision is made, confess to your husband and pursue his forgiveness with everything in you.God will do the rest. remember that regret is not enough.a realisation that it should never have happened and that it must never happen again is fundamental. without this confession, your husband will spend the rest of his life with a complete stranger, now you need to imagine which is more wicked, the cheating or the covering up.

i leave you with these words that my sister spoke to me while the fire raged, i hope that someday your husband will read them while he tries to discover what gave you the divine courage to speak out.

"what is the difference btw an angel who never did it, and a devil who did it over and over again but you never found out?".

goodluck and God bless