Aderoy:


PART 4: YOUR BROTHER
1. At 26, it is obvious from your account that your brother has rightly (in his mind) but wrongly by all accounts of decency and humanity concluded that he owns and is entitled to your dad’s estate.
2. Without mincing words, your brother comes across, in your detailed account, as a ‘man-child’ and an entitled spoilt brat
3. I cannot speak directly to this or provide you with any personal experience, but this is my opinion from an older friend’s experience who had a similar experience.
Background: This is only one side of the story as I wasn’t privy to how it all panned out.
I met this friend in the UK. From his account, he was born into a polygamous family. The family who happened to live with the dad at the time of me meeting this friend, decided to lay claim to the estate of dad’s estate and exclude all other family members.
My friend, being the hardworking type, decided right from the get-go, that he would have no part of the fight to lay claim to a portion of the family house. He studied in the UK, got a job, bought his own house with his wife and is now a lecturer in one of the Universities. He doesn’t even refer to his parent’s family house back in Nigeria as one of his properties.
4. Similar to the point I made about finding a resolution between your sister and your bother, if there is a 3rd non-partisan party or respected elder that could potentially arbitrate in this matter then by all means give it a go.
5. In all these however, make a resolution in your mind that if in the interest of peace (temporarily or long term) that you do not visit your dad’s house then you are fine with it.
6. Does it hurt to think one may not be able to visit one’s parent whenever one likes? Absolutely, but in my humble view, at what cost to one’s sanity?
7. You need to redefine your relationship with your brother. You cannot choose what he does but take a stand today on how you respond. Please do not respond to violence with violence nor hatred for hatred. You may see him as a ‘knobjob’ today, at the end of the day he is still your brother. That you cannot change that even if you wanted to.
8. My partner has small handwritten note she cellotapes in her bathroom mirror and it reads ‘God please help me to let this go’. I am yet to understand the story behind this note as it is my place to force her to tell me anything until she’s ready to. However, I fully recognise the deep hurt that may have led someone to write such on a mirror so she could see it every day. That is the power of affirmations and words. You must decide on what you want and take steps to make it happen.

PART 5: YOUR DAD
1. I am glad your dad has been found.
2. I am aware that you and your sister love you dad, and as you alluded to, his mental state and mood is improved by the sheer happiness of him seeing and welcome his children.
3. I absolutely agree with you and your sister’s resolution. I do not make any assumptions about your situation, but if you and/or your sister have the means make a suggestion to this 3rd non-partisan party who will arbitrate in the family matter that you are both ready to take dad out of his current toxic state, and as part of the agreement, you decide that a portion of the income from his estate (say 50%) will go towards looking after his wellbeing. That should be in the presence of the mediator, and preferably signed by all parties.


GENERALL – FOR ALL
1. What I have noticed over the years, in my time in Nigeria and now abroad, is the quantum leap in religious beliefs, reverence to ‘men of God’ almost to the point of occultist penchant, little spirituality and pure unadulterated love for our fellow human. We are human ‘beING’, not human ‘doING’. If we can all drastically reduce the religious ‘doINGS’ and replace them with just being, we’ll all be better for it. An example, it is not the place of a Pastor or Imam to hold his/her congregation to ransom over his/her pet projects to the detriment of the families in his/her congregation not being able to afford the children’s school fees. I have seen and experienced these many times and became poisoned (in my mind) for not being able to speak out at the injustice perpetrated repeatedly. The common comeback is ‘Touch not my anointed’ and I didn’t for years want to be against the anointed either coming from a religious family. Today, I say without any judgement that there are so many so-called ‘anointed’ out there whose sole purpose is not the wellbeing of the ‘members’ but the size of their bank balance and/or that next shiny gadget or building. All these to the detriment of every single family and child in their fold.
2. If you are the type that spends most of your non-working time (I assume you currently have a job or studying so pardon me if that is incorrect) in church every day of the week and sometimes nights, please take a step back today and ask yourself these pertinent questions. Whatever you then decide to do afterwards, at least you’d be glad you took stock:
• What is my purpose in life and why am I here?
• Why do my colleagues seem to get irritated when I suddenly fall asleep or snooze beside them at work?
• Why do I seem to get complaints all the time about my performance at work? Do they really dislike me that much or could this have to do with me not being able to give my 100% attention at work and consequently my performance is failing without my awareness?
• How many hours have I spent in improving my skills, learning new things, reading, walking and being one with nature, improving my physical and mental wellbeing, improving my spiritual standing (stress spiritual, not religious activities) in comparison to the number of hours spent in church or mosques. I humbly opine that your spirituality isn’t determined by the number of hours you spend in church or mosque but the quality of time one spends in elevating your spiritual consciousness and continuously realigning, and striving to achieve, a balance in one’s body-mind-spirit.
3. I’ll encourage everyone reading this to watch a YouTube movie ‘The Shift – by Dr. Wayne Dyer’. I’m fully aware of the challenges of electricity supply in Nigeria so even if it requires having to see a few minutes at a time over a few weeks, then you’d be glad you did.
4. For those who have access to Netflix, you may also check out the series ‘The Story of God with Morgan Freeman’, assuming the series is made available wherever you are. This should hopefully help you understand religious tolerance amongst all faiths and none
5. You are loved, you are unique. You are here for a reason. Whatever your religious affiliation is, let the light in you reflect as a mirror back to you in every person you come across in this journey.

I leave you all with the true meaning of the word ‘NAMASTE’, which perfectly sums up our connections as humans at a deeper level. You may not know me, but the light within me recognises and honours the light within you.
Let that energy form and pure light in you shine wherever you go. Namaste

Aderoy:


3. After providing you with the legal stand, I will provide personal experience:
• I had an aunt, my dad’s younger sister, who in her own twisted way of punishing a child (my older brother and I) decided to get us drink a cu full of kerosene for not looking after her last born and allowing the baby to crawl to the kitchen, pull the kerosene stove (picture those rectangular, almost army-camouflaged green stoves we have in Nigeria), spill the kerosene all over the kitchen floor and start to deep his hand on the flour and putting his finger in his mouth. At least that’s what I picture that a baby would do.
• Me being the youngest and the gullible one, I now know, that even during the punishment my older brother cheated in drinking as little kerosene as possible but disguised it perfectly by keeping the cup to his lips for as long as possible. I, on the other hand, will take a gulp and immediately put down the cup due to the pungent and almost-stomach churning smell of the kerosene. I was made to drink even more each time for defying her instructions.
• How did I conclude that my brother cheated in the process?
o After the punishment, my aunt gave us and her child palm oil to drink as antidotes to counteract the kerosene. Within a few hours, my brother threw up. I, on the other hand, had this belch of kerosene for what seems like eternity. It must have been about 5-7 days before I started to throw up some of kerosene. Now, this is just my inaccurate recollection re the number of days. All I remembered is that it didn’t happen in the same week.
o Neither of us spoke of that episode until a few months ago. We all took it in our strides as part of life and one of the punishments one must endure as a child. The mistake we made. I rephrase that – The mistake I made is not to tell our parents and other adults in the family when we got back to our own home. That responsibility lies with me and no one else.

4. Life happened, studied, gained a first degree in Nigeria, travelled abroad and gained a second degree. It was whilst abroad I started to have flashbacks of the incidents and started to question if letting her get away with it was the right thing to do. My bitterness and hatred grew every everyday I had these episodes of flashbacks. It got to a point it became a deeply-seated trauma that I never addressed being the ‘macho’, but deeply introverted male that I am.
5. So, in planning and seeking redress in my own way, I had an elaborate plan to have a savings in the view that when I return to Nigeria, I am taking her to court and no family member is going to stop me, not even my parents. As an introvert, I am usually what may would call a loner. I often use this to my utmost advantage - I am very single-minded, calculative, methodical, often take risks that pays off over decades and I see far beyond what my peers see in front of their noses. I can attest to that right now in me throwing 100% of my scholarship into investment whilst still at uni. I sold these off when it was time to leave Nigeria. It wasn’t much but it helped towards my achieving some of my goals.
6. The problem with this elaborate plan is I was doing it all alone. I stuck to what has worked for me until now, i.e. going by my intuition and going all out. I didn’t consult my parents or even bothered to mention it to my brother who was also affected by this. In the meantime, I allowed hatred to consume me to the extent I do not mention my aunt’s name once as I thought to myself the only time I would mention her name is when I stand in front of her in a court of law.
7. In 2018, I had what I can only refer to as an epiphany, and consciously started the process of forgiveness in my heart. When I had the conviction in my heart that I had completely let it go, I rang my older brother and discussed this episode and many other examples of her cruel behaviour towards us and particularly towards me. Surprisingly, my brother remembered the episode and his response to my elaborate plan to take her to court is ‘Why now’? That simple question stuck right to my heart. The only response I could muster was “well, I had to make sure I had the financial means to go all the way until she’s behind bars”. His response to that was well, if you know how she is now you’d be sorry for her so just let it go.
8. In one way I agreed with my brother that letting it go is the best thing for me, but underneath I was angry with him for not telling our parents being the older one, especially given the fact that he remembered what had happened.
9. I came around to resecting his view to let it go and I am glad I had let it go.
10. Earlier this year 2020, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a type of blood cancer. And alas! One of the possible causes (only a scientific postulation as there is no conclusive scientific evidence on this) is exposure to chemical is a possible cause of such cancer. Can you imagine my state of emotions when I knew at the back of my mind that tis cancer may, with good probability, may have resulted from being kerosene-poisoned by my aunt? Your guess is as good as mine.
11. I went back to the ultimate decision I came to in 2019: I had forgiven her, and I continuously ask the divine to help me let this go.
12. Please do not get this wrong. The fact that I had forgiven her in my heart and let it go did not mean I condone her actions one bit. I no longer have a way of communicating with her since leaving Nigeria in 2005. I haven’t come to that point (yet) where I think there’s a need to communicate with her. I practice what I preach “We cannot control what others do or say to us, we can however choose how we respond”
13. Just yesterday, 17 May 2020, I explained on a meditation WhatsApp group that being diagnosed with cancer was the best thing that happened to me this year. It might sound counterintuitive, as it opened a new chapter in my life:
• a reawakening and a spiritual journey that I had reneged on for a while
• a time to acknowledge, revisit and heal deep-seated and entrenched trauma
• a time to let go of past grudges, feeling of hurt.
• a time to let go of the self-destructive dogma that men are not to show their emotions
• a time to practice absolute forgiveness
• a time to articulate and decide on what’s important to me at this moment
• a time to reconnect and realign my body-mind-spirit in absolute and complete balance
• a time of acceptance, thanksgiving and unfettered love (both in giving and receiving)
• a new journey to be kind to myself in my thoughts and deeds, realising that loving myself isn’t an act of selfishness
14. @Poster, take the episode you are going through right now as a great opportunity for you. I sincerely hope that small but important shift would change your mindset as it did mine. In there lies the platform for the change you desire.

PART 4: YOUR BROTHER
1. At 26, it is obvious from your account that your brother has rightly (in his mind) but wrongly by all accounts of decency and humanity concluded that he owns and is entitled to your dad’s estate.
2. Without mincing words, your brother comes across, in your detailed account, as a ‘man-child’ and an entitled spoilt brat
3. I cannot speak directly to this or provide you with any personal experience, but this is my opinion from an older friend’s experience who had a similar experience.
Background: This is only one side of the story as I wasn’t privy to how it all panned out.
I met this friend in the UK. From his account, he was born into a polygamous family. The family who happened to live with the dad at the time of me meeting this friend, decided to lay claim to the estate of dad’s estate and exclude all other family members.
My friend, being the hardworking type, decided right from the get-go, that he would have no part of the fight to lay claim to a portion of the family house. He studied in the UK, got a job, bought his own house with his wife and is now a lecturer in one of the Universities. He doesn’t even refer to his parent’s family house back in Nigeria as one of his properties.
4. Similar to the point I made about finding a resolution between your sister and your bother, if there is a 3rd non-partisan party or respected elder that could potentially arbitrate in this matter then by all means give it a go.
5. In all these however, make a resolution in your mind that if in the interest of peace (temporarily or long term) that you do not visit your dad’s house then you are fine with it.
6. Does it hurt to think one may not be able to visit one’s parent whenever one likes? Absolutely, but in my humble view, at what cost to one’s sanity?
7. You need to redefine your relationship with your brother. You cannot choose what he does but take a stand today on how you respond. Please do not respond to violence with violence nor hatred for hatred. You may see him as a ‘knobjob’ today, at the end of the day he is still your brother. That you cannot change that even if you wanted to.
8. My partner has small handwritten note she cellotapes in her bathroom mirror and it reads ‘God please help me to let this go’. I am yet to understand the story behind this note as it is my place to force her to tell me anything until she’s ready to. However, I fully recognise the deep hurt that may have led someone to write such on a mirror so she could see it every day. That is the power of affirmations and words. You must decide on what you want and take steps to make it happen.

Aderoy:


PART 3: YOUR SISTER
Let’s call this out for what it is. Your sister was subjected to physical assault by your younger brother. It is a criminal offence in the Nigeria, backed by The Nigeria Criminal Code Act of 1990:
353. Any person who unlawfully and indecently assaults any male person is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for three years. The offender cannot be arrested without warrant.
360. Any person who unlawfully and indecently assaults a woman or girl is guilty of a misdemeanour, and is liable to imprisonment for two years.
If the barbaric event occurred in Lagos, then this is also covered by Lagos State Criminal Law, Part 5, Chapter 21
Punishment 170. Any person who unlawfully assaults another is guilty of assault. of a misdemeanour, and is liable, if no greater punishment is provided, to imprisonment for one year.
Assaults occasioning harm: -
Punishment 171. Any person who unlawfully assaults another and occasioning harm. thereby does him harm is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for three years.
I will provide with my perspective and practical experience. I hope in doing so not to put you in a state to be being revengeful but provide you with some tools you need to make an informed decision.
1. Let’s all in Nigeria note that physical battering to the point of it becoming an assault is against the law of the land. Period. There is no justification for anyone to pummel another human being, no matter if that person is your subject, either in age, rank, position, status or otherwise.
2. @Poster, ask your sister to speak with her husband on how far they want to take this. Only they can make that decision. Do not interfere or try to influence their decision. However, if they feel aggrieved about the situation and would want redress, they may decide on the following steps:
• Decide on if this goes to court if it will be in the best interest of him and his wife. @Poster I deliberately did not include you or anyone else in the picture and I hope you’ll fully understand why I did so. This is between your sister and her husband. You may provide your opinion but ultimately it will be their decision and no one else’s
• Assuming they decide to go ahead with seeking some form of redress, ask them to get a 3rd non-partisan party involved. This could be either a solicitor, an elderly, non-biased family member respected by all parties, a non-governmental (not-for profit) arbitration. To write a detailed account of the incident (from your sister’s account of the incident). She should understand that being completely factual is of the utmost here and not to attempt at any point to make any false or superlative (non-fault) account of the event to paint your brother as the villain. I do not for one second suggest she may be lying but I often thread cautiously on learning this wisdom from my belated grandma. It translates colloquially to ‘only a wicked king passes judgement after listening to one side of a story’
• Get this 3rd party member either to call a meeting to discuss the situation and settle the matter. One of the agendas of the meeting is to get your brother to read the account of your sister and what his actions had caused.
• The other goal of this written statement is also to give him an opportunity to address every single point raised either orally or in written statement.
• The last goal, if he admits and agrees with your sister’s written account, is to sign the statement that this can be presented in a court should your sister and your brother in-law decides to pursue this any further.
• Note: Even if your sister and brother-in-law decides not to pursue the matter legally, at least they both have a platform to start a new relationship with him going forward.
• I leave you and your sister with these words: ‘We cannot control what others do or say to us, we can however choose how we respond, and we should exercise these rights’

3. After providing you with the legal stand, I will provide personal experience:
• I had an aunt, my dad’s younger sister, who in her own twisted way of punishing a child (my older brother and I) decided to get us drink a cu full of kerosene for not looking after her last born and allowing the baby to crawl to the kitchen, pull the kerosene stove (picture those rectangular, almost army-camouflaged green stoves we have in Nigeria), spill the kerosene all over the kitchen floor and start to deep his hand on the flour and putting his finger in his mouth. At least that’s what I picture that a baby would do.
• Me being the youngest and the gullible one, I now know, that even during the punishment my older brother cheated in drinking as little kerosene as possible but disguised it perfectly by keeping the cup to his lips for as long as possible. I, on the other hand, will take a gulp and immediately put down the cup due to the pungent and almost-stomach churning smell of the kerosene. I was made to drink even more each time for defying her instructions.
• How did I conclude that my brother cheated in the process?
o After the punishment, my aunt gave us and her child palm oil to drink as antidotes to counteract the kerosene. Within a few hours, my brother threw up. I, on the other hand, had this belch of kerosene for what seems like eternity. It must have been about 5-7 days before I started to throw up some of kerosene. Now, this is just my inaccurate recollection re the number of days. All I remembered is that it didn’t happen in the same week.
o Neither of us spoke of that episode until a few months ago. We all took it in our strides as part of life and one of the punishments one must endure as a child. The mistake we made. I rephrase that – The mistake I made is not to tell our parents and other adults in the family when we got back to our own home. That responsibility lies with me and no one else.

4. Life happened, studied, gained a first degree in Nigeria, travelled abroad and gained a second degree. It was whilst abroad I started to have flashbacks of the incidents and started to question if letting her get away with it was the right thing to do. My bitterness and hatred grew every everyday I had these episodes of flashbacks. It got to a point it became a deeply-seated trauma that I never addressed being the ‘macho’, but deeply introverted male that I am.
5. So, in planning and seeking redress in my own way, I had an elaborate plan to have a savings in the view that when I return to Nigeria, I am taking her to court and no family member is going to stop me, not even my parents. As an introvert, I am usually what may would call a loner. I often use this to my utmost advantage - I am very single-minded, calculative, methodical, often take risks that pays off over decades and I see far beyond what my peers see in front of their noses. I can attest to that right now in me throwing 100% of my scholarship into investment whilst still at uni. I sold these off when it was time to leave Nigeria. It wasn’t much but it helped towards my achieving some of my goals.
6. The problem with this elaborate plan is I was doing it all alone. I stuck to what has worked for me until now, i.e. going by my intuition and going all out. I didn’t consult my parents or even bothered to mention it to my brother who was also affected by this. In the meantime, I allowed hatred to consume me to the extent I do not mention my aunt’s name once as I thought to myself the only time I would mention her name is when I stand in front of her in a court of law.
7. In 2018, I had what I can only refer to as an epiphany, and consciously started the process of forgiveness in my heart. When I had the conviction in my heart that I had completely let it go, I rang my older brother and discussed this episode and many other examples of her cruel behaviour towards us and particularly towards me. Surprisingly, my brother remembered the episode and his response to my elaborate plan to take her to court is ‘Why now’? That simple question stuck right to my heart. The only response I could muster was “well, I had to make sure I had the financial means to go all the way until she’s behind bars”. His response to that was well, if you know how she is now you’d be sorry for her so just let it go.
8. In one way I agreed with my brother that letting it go is the best thing for me, but underneath I was angry with him for not telling our parents being the older one, especially given the fact that he remembered what had happened.
9. I came around to resecting his view to let it go and I am glad I had let it go.
10. Earlier this year 2020, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a type of blood cancer. And alas! One of the possible causes (only a scientific postulation as there is no conclusive scientific evidence on this) is exposure to chemical is a possible cause of such cancer. Can you imagine my state of emotions when I knew at the back of my mind that tis cancer may, with good probability, may have resulted from being kerosene-poisoned by my aunt? Your guess is as good as mine.
11. I went back to the ultimate decision I came to in 2019: I had forgiven her, and I continuously ask the divine to help me let this go.
12. Please do not get this wrong. The fact that I had forgiven her in my heart and let it go did not mean I condone her actions one bit. I no longer have a way of communicating with her since leaving Nigeria in 2005. I haven’t come to that point (yet) where I think there’s a need to communicate with her. I practice what I preach “We cannot control what others do or say to us, we can however choose how we respond”
13. Just yesterday, 17 May 2020, I explained on a meditation WhatsApp group that being diagnosed with cancer was the best thing that happened to me this year. It might sound counterintuitive, as it opened a new chapter in my life:
• a reawakening and a spiritual journey that I had reneged on for a while
• a time to acknowledge, revisit and heal deep-seated and entrenched trauma
• a time to let go of past grudges, feeling of hurt.
• a time to let go of the self-destructive dogma that men are not to show their emotions
• a time to practice absolute forgiveness
• a time to articulate and decide on what’s important to me at this moment
• a time to reconnect and realign my body-mind-spirit in absolute and complete balance
• a time of acceptance, thanksgiving and unfettered love (both in giving and receiving)
• a new journey to be kind to myself in my thoughts and deeds, realising that loving myself isn’t an act of selfishness
14. @Poster, take the episode you are going through right now as a great opportunity for you. I sincerely hope that small but important shift would change your mindset as it did mine. In there lies the platform for the change you desire.

Aderoy:


PART 2: YOUR MUM
1. In my humble opinion, your mum, in her mind, thinks she’s right, and everyone else is wrong. So please the best thing you can do right now are:
• Do not harbour any form of hatred towards your mum in any way. On the contrary, go into deep meditation/prayers and continuously bless her. She’s your root and no tree survive without a strong and nourished root. I say this with absolutely love for you and from very personal experience.
• Do not antagonise your mum in anyway. One can disagree with another person without being abusive or corrosive (I do not assume that you do this but just a general point to note). Take the position and mindset of doing everything not to escalate the situation. Everything that becomes starts in thoughts and words, so take a stand to change your thinking about her, and your words (in your mind first and foremost). It is a small step but the most important one before any physical change you desire can manifest.
• DO not have a mindset of trying to ‘change her’ on your own. Your place, in my humble opinion, is to ask for divine help on her behalf. Ask what you want regarding your mum, don’t question how it is going to happen, just have a profound belief that it is done. Yours is not to determine the timing, your task is just to ask for it. This is where guided affirmations (check out YouTube videos) may help.
2. You mentioned that your mum would sporadically place curses on her children at the slightest provocation. This needs to be addressed head-on. Your tasks are:
• journal everything you can remember about those curses, again meditation can help with remember. Call her into your consciousness during meditation and recall her words, when you come out of meditation, write her words down.
• You need to reverse these curses with no hatred in your heart towards your mum in the process. YOU can do it. Anyone can do it, one just needs the will to want it done. If it helps, you can join forces with someone to help, like another spiritual buddy, or a reiki teacher/helper/guide, pastor, Imam, etc. I say this with care and love for you: The only person that can do it is you. These people can help you along the way but YOU and only you can let it happen with your thoughts, conviction and beliefs that it is possible. Don’t just jump from pillar to post visiting the next “miracle centre”
3. Intercede on your mum’s behalf. If it helps journal as many names you can remember of anyone, she may think she may have wronged. If you can’t recall names, just use anecdotes or any name by which you remember that person. It could be something like ‘Iya so and so’ as we tend to refer to people in southwest Nigeria. You may also mention groups (like her colleagues, neighbours, etc. if you don’t recall specific names). Go into deep meditation and ask them for forgiveness. You might ask why is it your burden to do this, and not her? This process is about you and the part she plays in your life. I am not a pastor, an Iman, or have any of such titles to my name, I speak to you directly with humility and love as a concerned fellow human.
4. It is evident, from your post, that your mum feels she’s right in her beliefs and everyone else who isn’t in the same belief system is wrong and against her. As you have alluded to, you do not accept such belief system. I’d however speak slightly leniently in saying that you need to respect her views even if you disagree vehemently with it. To reiterate, respect is not to ‘condone’ it. Continue to ask for her higher (spiritual self) to bring the correct knowledge to her.

PART 3: YOUR SISTER
Let’s call this out for what it is. Your sister was subjected to physical assault by your younger brother. It is a criminal offence in the Nigeria, backed by The Nigeria Criminal Code Act of 1990:
353. Any person who unlawfully and indecently assaults any male person is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for three years. The offender cannot be arrested without warrant.
360. Any person who unlawfully and indecently assaults a woman or girl is guilty of a misdemeanour, and is liable to imprisonment for two years.
If the barbaric event occurred in Lagos, then this is also covered by Lagos State Criminal Law, Part 5, Chapter 21
Punishment 170. Any person who unlawfully assaults another is guilty of assault. of a misdemeanour, and is liable, if no greater punishment is provided, to imprisonment for one year.
Assaults occasioning harm: -
Punishment 171. Any person who unlawfully assaults another and occasioning harm. thereby does him harm is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for three years.
I will provide with my perspective and practical experience. I hope in doing so not to put you in a state to be being revengeful but provide you with some tools you need to make an informed decision.
1. Let’s all in Nigeria note that physical battering to the point of it becoming an assault is against the law of the land. Period. There is no justification for anyone to pummel another human being, no matter if that person is your subject, either in age, rank, position, status or otherwise.
2. @Poster, ask your sister to speak with her husband on how far they want to take this. Only they can make that decision. Do not interfere or try to influence their decision. However, if they feel aggrieved about the situation and would want redress, they may decide on the following steps:
• Decide on if this goes to court if it will be in the best interest of him and his wife. @Poster I deliberately did not include you or anyone else in the picture and I hope you’ll fully understand why I did so. This is between your sister and her husband. You may provide your opinion but ultimately it will be their decision and no one else’s
• Assuming they decide to go ahead with seeking some form of redress, ask them to get a 3rd non-partisan party involved. This could be either a solicitor, an elderly, non-biased family member respected by all parties, a non-governmental (not-for profit) arbitration. To write a detailed account of the incident (from your sister’s account of the incident). She should understand that being completely factual is of the utmost here and not to attempt at any point to make any false or superlative (non-fault) account of the event to paint your brother as the villain. I do not for one second suggest she may be lying but I often thread cautiously on learning this wisdom from my belated grandma. It translates colloquially to ‘only a wicked king passes judgement after listening to one side of a story’
• Get this 3rd party member either to call a meeting to discuss the situation and settle the matter. One of the agendas of the meeting is to get your brother to read the account of your sister and what his actions had caused.
• The other goal of this written statement is also to give him an opportunity to address every single point raised either orally or in written statement.
• The last goal, if he admits and agrees with your sister’s written account, is to sign the statement that this can be presented in a court should your sister and your brother in-law decides to pursue this any further.
• Note: Even if your sister and brother-in-law decides not to pursue the matter legally, at least they both have a platform to start a new relationship with him going forward.
• I leave you and your sister with these words: ‘We cannot control what others do or say to us, we can however choose how we respond, and we should exercise these rights’

Aderoy:



Dear poster,
I do not know you, but I recognise some of your pains and anguish. It takes a lot to reach out for help.
I have taken my time to reflect on your post when I saw it this morning, 19 May 2020. These are my thoughts as I have broken it in parts to make it easier to post. Take whatever is applicable to you in all these.
PART 1: YOU
1. The first thing I’d advice is please Do not try to solve all the challenges you have highlighted above in one go as that calls for trouble for yourself. I say this from painful experience.
2. I do not know how spiritual you are so will approach this without judgement or presumptions. Notice that I mentioned spiritual, not religious. There’s a clear distinction. The former is between you and your God, no one else, not the church, mosque, etc. Before one can help others, one needs to first help one’s self. Take a stand to improve your spiritual, mental and physical wellbeing first. I found these 6 morning rituals to help (scientifically proven as well).
• Meditation/mindfulness
• Affirmation
• Visualisation (you may also use a ‘vision board’ if that helps)
• Exercise
• Reading
• Journaling
One may start spending 1 minute on each and then ramp it up any week as one gets comfortable with the routine. There are tons of websites and YouTube videos to help. I don’t come on Nairaland often and when I do, I am usually in the background reading rather than posting or making unnecessary comments/argument.

Just to point out, journaling is about having a personal diary (if you so wish to call it that). One might separate it in to different sections as one see fit (there is no right or wrong way, it comes down to what you feel is important to you or you might download free templates online if that helps): Example, one section for personal - how you feel at that moment, whatever thoughts come to your mind, etc. another section for Daily/Weekly Plans, etc. The whole point of journaling is to document the thoughts that flashes or preoccupies one’s mind and make space for other things. One can then revisit whatever one has written in due course. One will be amazed at what one may have missed when those thoughts or feelings flashed in one’s mind.

PART 2: YOUR MUM
1. In my humble opinion, your mum, in her mind, thinks she’s right, and everyone else is wrong. So please the best thing you can do right now are:
• Do not harbour any form of hatred towards your mum in any way. On the contrary, go into deep meditation/prayers and continuously bless her. She’s your root and no tree survive without a strong and nourished root. I say this with absolutely love for you and from very personal experience.
• Do not antagonise your mum in anyway. One can disagree with another person without being abusive or corrosive (I do not assume that you do this but just a general point to note). Take the position and mindset of doing everything not to escalate the situation. Everything that becomes starts in thoughts and words, so take a stand to change your thinking about her, and your words (in your mind first and foremost). It is a small step but the most important one before any physical change you desire can manifest.
• DO not have a mindset of trying to ‘change her’ on your own. Your place, in my humble opinion, is to ask for divine help on her behalf. Ask what you want regarding your mum, don’t question how it is going to happen, just have a profound belief that it is done. Yours is not to determine the timing, your task is just to ask for it. This is where guided affirmations (check out YouTube videos) may help.
2. You mentioned that your mum would sporadically place curses on her children at the slightest provocation. This needs to be addressed head-on. Your tasks are:
• journal everything you can remember about those curses, again meditation can help with remember. Call her into your consciousness during meditation and recall her words, when you come out of meditation, write her words down.
• You need to reverse these curses with no hatred in your heart towards your mum in the process. YOU can do it. Anyone can do it, one just needs the will to want it done. If it helps, you can join forces with someone to help, like another spiritual buddy, or a reiki teacher/helper/guide, pastor, Imam, etc. I say this with care and love for you: The only person that can do it is you. These people can help you along the way but YOU and only you can let it happen with your thoughts, conviction and beliefs that it is possible. Don’t just jump from pillar to post visiting the next “miracle centre”
3. Intercede on your mum’s behalf. If it helps journal as many names you can remember of anyone, she may think she may have wronged. If you can’t recall names, just use anecdotes or any name by which you remember that person. It could be something like ‘Iya so and so’ as we tend to refer to people in southwest Nigeria. You may also mention groups (like her colleagues, neighbours, etc. if you don’t recall specific names). Go into deep meditation and ask them for forgiveness. You might ask why is it your burden to do this, and not her? This process is about you and the part she plays in your life. I am not a pastor, an Iman, or have any of such titles to my name, I speak to you directly with humility and love as a concerned fellow human.
4. It is evident, from your post, that your mum feels she’s right in her beliefs and everyone else who isn’t in the same belief system is wrong and against her. As you have alluded to, you do not accept such belief system. I’d however speak slightly leniently in saying that you need to respect her views even if you disagree vehemently with it. To reiterate, respect is not to ‘condone’ it. Continue to ask for her higher (spiritual self) to bring the correct knowledge to her.

Ope88:
Please don't read and pass, also Pardon all my typo, I'm typing out of duress.

I am from a family of six, 3 girls, 1 boy including my parents.
I had a horrible childhood experience, My Mum (no thanks to her) was something I can't quantify, I can't start writing every of the things she did and I can't say If the religion she practiced contributed largely to the devilish attitude she put up while growing up.

My mum has no good record anywhere, in the church, with the neighbours, with her siblings, we the children, her in laws and even at work, She was always at war with people, if she dreams that someone was trying to attack her in the dream, if she sees the person the following day, she was ready to attack the person.

Also, she would curse her children at any slightest provocation and leave only my brother out(last born and spoilt), She doesn't have any good relationship with her siblings and won't allow my dad visit his family member, I remembered them (Mum and dad) always saying this (don't be unequally yoked together with unbelievers). To them anyone who isn't a Christian (deeper life) is not supposed to be associated with.. My dad on countless occasion will call his mum a witch just because she was a Muslim and one of the oloyes of allasalatu(Muslims will understand this) and had nothing to do with his family members.

This went on and on like this until my elder sister moved out of the house and in the process of trying to find her feet, she got pregnant and my mom practically tormented her life, she later got married to the man, and for that act alone, she's always at logger heads with my sister and her husband..

Later, I got married and then my younger sister followed suit, leaving my dad, herself and my younger brother (whom I have disowned).

Ever since the three of us got happily married, and left the home, my dad slipped into severe depression. Although he has been depressed given lots of things he encountered, job loss, no social interaction, unforgiveness amongst others, it became severe when all his female children left, then from severe depressgion, he started having mental issues, he would wake up and leave the house talking to himself, or start preaching and going out of point with anyone he finds on the street, sometimes he would leave and come home at night, my younger brother who is supposed to comfort and help him, treats him with disdain, my mum who is supposed to check mate his excesses would leave him to his folly and now he has started standing up to her and everyone else in the house..

At 26, he doesn't know his bearing and obviously we have been seeing signs of him wanting to inherit the houses my father built in the same compound.. (and we have noticed that my mum has been making him understand that every of the property belongs to him).

The last straw which broke the camel's back happened one week ago, my elder sister ( who is 9 year older than him) took advantage of the lockdown and visited my father, he is usually exited when we are around him whc helps his severe moodiness. There and then an argument broke out between my sister and my brother, she asked why my brother was insulting our mum for an action that happened in the compound, he beat my sister up and her three children and boasted that, the rest of us (my sister and I) dare not do anything and that by the way we must stop coming to the house, that if he sees any of us He will beat us up, My mum who was supposed to resolve the matter started blaming my sister, asking her why she always love to come visiting, that she's supposed to be in her husband's house or father in laws place and immediately called her hubby to come pick her.

Its been one week my sister left for her house, my daddy who enjoyed her company when she was present started misbehaving again at home. He started roaming, he started cursing everyone.

The reason I'm writing is this, my dad is no where to be found, he left the house yesterday Friday 15th May 2020 and was last seen in ITAMAGA IKORODU, we keep trying his number but he is not picking and now his number is switched off, I'm sure he is still wandering about.

My sisters and I have decided that even when he is found(by God's grace) we do not what him to go back living with my mum and brother.

What other alternatives do we have to care for him, as his own siblings are not happy with him either for abandoning them and their mum (his own mum),, when they needed him the most..


I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG POST.. PLEASE HELP ME.



Modified..... My dad has been found today Sunday, 17th May 2020, my sweet mother (elder sister) found her, she has been on her feet since he went missing, luckily he was found but in a terrible state, I saw him via video calls and I wept, he can't recognize even my sister again, and just muttering some words we don't understand, he closes his eyes while saying this and asked everyone to go and leave him, he looks so faint and weak and would not leave where he his...My sister has called his siblings and she's waiting for the next line of ACTION from them.

I'll keep updating the house with reports from our end..

Dear poster,
I do not know you, but I recognise some of your pains and anguish. It takes a lot to reach out for help.
I have taken my time to reflect on your post when I saw it this morning, 19 May 2020. These are my thoughts as I have broken it in parts to make it easier to post. Take whatever is applicable to you in all these.
PART 1: YOU
1. The first thing I’d advice is please Do not try to solve all the challenges you have highlighted above in one go as that calls for trouble for yourself. I say this from painful experience.
2. I do not know how spiritual you are so will approach this without judgement or presumptions. Notice that I mentioned spiritual, not religious. There’s a clear distinction. The former is between you and your God, no one else, not the church, mosque, etc. Before one can help others, one needs to first help one’s self. Take a stand to improve your spiritual, mental and physical wellbeing first. I found these 6 morning rituals to help (scientifically proven as well).
• Meditation/mindfulness
• Affirmation
• Visualisation (you may also use a ‘vision board’ if that helps)
• Exercise
• Reading
• Journaling
One may start spending 1 minute on each and then ramp it up any week as one gets comfortable with the routine. There are tons of websites and YouTube videos to help. I don’t come on Nairaland often and when I do, I am usually in the background reading rather than posting or making unnecessary comments/argument.

Just to point out, journaling is about having a personal diary (if you so wish to call it that). One might separate it in to different sections as one see fit (there is no right or wrong way, it comes down to what you feel is important to you or you might download free templates online if that helps): Example, one section for personal - how you feel at that moment, whatever thoughts come to your mind, etc. another section for Daily/Weekly Plans, etc. The whole point of journaling is to document the thoughts that flashes or preoccupies one’s mind and make space for other things. One can then revisit whatever one has written in due course. One will be amazed at what one may have missed when those thoughts or feelings flashed in one’s mind.

@OP,

It’s admirable to recognise your strengths and weaknesses. It’s also admirable that you are weighing up long-term, sustainable income against your current source of income.

I’m happy to share my experience if it helps.

Source of unhappiness:
I find myself in your situation in the last 1 1/2 years not because I do not like what I do for a living (I’m a telecom engineer) but simply I’ve reached a point in my current job where I feel there’s a need for that next step. That’s the main source of my unhappiness, and I recognise that. As I allowed that to fester I started disliking the hours I put in to the job as my level of fulfilment starts to wane. As others have pointed out, and throwing my 2 coin in the hat, first thing is to identify the source of your unhappiness in your current role.

Investment stream & investment diversification:
Between 2002 (whilst still in my 3rd yr at Uni in Nigeria), and similar to your situation I started to build multiple streams of income. I later sold about 97% of my investment in Nigeria (around 2005) and used part of the proceed to finance my studies in the UK as well as buy 2 parcels of land. I also sold 100% of investment in the UK in 2013 and used the proceeds for deposit in a mortgage in the UK, and started to build on one of my plots in Nigeria, which was completed in 2017. The intention is to rent it out and get a small but stable income, from which I can take care of my parent rather than having to send money from the UK all the time.

I am also pre-IPO invested in solar farm power generation company, which has now become operational and now doing another pre-IPO investment (monthly plan) in a new generation elevated rail transport system at 1000 USD per month. I’m happy to share info with anyone who is interested. There is no secret about the investment and the info is widely available on the internet but do not want to put the info here so admin don’t think I’m advertising a company I have vested interest in.

I am not heavily into cryptocurrency compared to you. I’m actually slow off the block in crypto world mainly due to my other investment commitment but I have a small stake with which I buy ICO offering I fancy.

I’m assuming here that, as someone who is heavily into investment, you are already aware that the key here is diversification of your investment portfolio to edge against future downturn.

Income:
Although I’m in the process of selling my property in the UK for personal reasons. I hope to use some of the income for joint property investment with my mentor (who happens to be an Indian/British but spent his early years in Nigeria).

This leads me nicely to the mentoring.

Mentoring:
I am lucky to have someone I can bounce ideas off. I may disagree with him sometimes but having someone who has either gone through a similar experience and/or knows where you are coming from is very vital.

I have many Nigerians friends I wouldn’t discuss the extent of the above with but can, and often do, discuss with this guy simply because he is the kind of person that despite all his achievement you’d hardly know he is worth what he’s actually portray to be....Always looking for others to do well as well and will always encourage one to take the straight and narrow road.

Discuss your situation with someone who will be objective, wouldn’t envy your situation or discourage you from looking at all options other than his own limited, narrow views. The objective isn’t to take what they say verbatim but by bouncing ideas off someone you equally share mutual respect, you might just have that ‘eureka’ moment or be able glean one or two points you haven’t even considered.

My decision
I decided not to quit this Jan 2018, and carry on with my current job for the next 6 months and re-assess the situation. Also to be frank, I need the income to pay mortgage (until property is sold as it’s now on the market) and also complete ongoing monthly investment in the elevated rail transport system.

So my reply to your question is not YES or NO as only you can answer that but I hope my 2 cent (along with many on this forum) will help in shaping your decision either way.
Happy to discuss any of the points I’ve raised above with you or anyone else it might help.

UKmigrant:
OK, so I checked my posts from A to Z and didn't see anywhere I mentioned who my employer and colleagues were talkless of posting sensitive details, or did you mean to post that on another thread? Or maybe you're just trying to let us know about your knowledge on the bolded.

Awon "I too know yi sha"

Good luck and all the best.

UKMigrant,
A valuable piece of info/advice. Be tactful about the info and details of your employer and colleague(s) you put on this or any other online forum. I have friends who are in Human Resources and ACAS Dispute Resolution, and have seen cases where employers or employees have sued other employees on the basis of details they placed online or what they consider as unflattering or demeaning descriptions.
The UK Data Protection Act 1998 and the EU Data Protection Regulation 2016/679 comes to mind.

Safiaaa:
We should do a London meetup this new year lol.

UKMigrant
I’m one of several silent members of this forum and prefer to read than comment unnecessarily. I’m impressed with your adventure so far. As Safiaaa suggested, a meetup in London would be a good idea.
PS: not going to be in the UK in the latter part of Jan ‘18.

Claremont
I’d like to ask you a question about something you mentioned on page 22 but would prefer not to derail UKMigrant’s thread.

U-17 women

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