₦airaland Forum

The latest religious blackmail is Motor Park pastoring. If you are travelling some distance in Naija once the bus is filled and ready to move a guy clutching a tattered Bible appears with some dubious prayers,
‘’I greet you all in the precious name of Jesus, Amen?’’
If there is no reply he is not deterred,
‘’If you are a child of God shout a big HALLELUYAH!’’
There is no dodging this, no one wants to be tagged a demon, so we all obediently holler
‘’HALLELUYAH!’’ He laughs in triumph and continues,
‘’Father God Almighty, I thank you for the life of everyone in this bus and as they are travelling I bind all blood sucking demons in the way. Nobody will die from accident in this vehicle today! This bus will not somersault 10 times on the way like the other bus last week, Amen? ‘’
By now you are beginning to have misgivings, accident ke? Blood sucking demons? Maybe they have been sleeping and this guy has surely woken them up now. Which kain prayer be dis self? But the fellow is far from finished.
‘’I cover the driver with the blood of Jesus, I cover the steering with the blood of Jesus, I cover the engine with the blood of Jesus, I cover the tyre with the blood of Jesus, In fact I cover the road from Lagos to Maiduguri with the blood of Jesus!’’
Haba! Blood, blood everywhere! The road will be slippery now. Well if it is Jesus’ no problems, but then,
‘’You shall not run into the armed robbers that killed 15 people last week at Ore , in Jesus name!’’
We all chorus a fervent ‘’Amen!’’ We are quaking at this point and I seriously start thinking of aborting the whole trip. The lady behind me whispers to her friend,
‘’So there are robbers on this road?’’

‘’Father, nobody in this bus will have his leg amputated due to road accident, I bind amputation of leg, arm, neck even blockus! , Amen!?!’’
‘’Amen ooo!’’
‘’Nobody in this bus will die today! Amen?’’
He goes on and on, conjuring the most macabre imagery of road mishaps until we are all shivering, frightened. Then comes the joker,
‘’Brothers and sisters pls support the work of God, it is not by force, (sic), anything at all will do’’.
Not by force ke? If anything now happens to you people will say it is because you did not drop for pastor. To claim the ‘’protection’’ of his prayers you quickly give him 200 naira make e carry ein badmouth go. With each naira note he grabs he rewards the faithful with a ‘’bless you,’’ your password to safety. When he is sure no more is coming he wishes us a ‘’safe journey’’ and moves on to another bus.
It’s only then I exhale in relief, Phew! Scary.

N.B. I hear they are planning to open branches in airports soon.