Nickydrake:

Hehehehe . Sounds interesting already. It ain't anytime soon for me, but it's never too early to start learning eh? Kudos to y'all who've told your tales, very interesting thread indeed.

You know what, I prefer the sideways because it makes so many things within easy reach and the hands can stray to some other places unplanned You haven't seen anything yet! Life is a choice. Choose to enjoy yours whatever comes. I chose to look at the bright side of things always. I tell you, life can be very interesting.

jummy05: your stories are scary.God dey

Please don't be. There is a motherly (and fatherly) instinct in everyone! Just be a loving and understanding partner. Love is in the doing!

Nickydrake: I'm a rookie in the field so pardon me if this sounds a little incongruous...but how do you give a pregnant woman a back massage? Does she lie on the bump or sit on a bar stool?

The first 3 months when there is no bump, she can lie face down. When the tummy protrudes, you do it either while she sits on a stool (head on a table) or while she lies down slightly sideways, her back to you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you all. I said it earlier that I want to feel proud of myself today!

Ok, let me summarize this. . .

The 2nd and 3rd trimesters were full of events and drama as well. Baby was growing and tummy bulging. She was gaining weights and she couldn’t get inside those trim and fitted clothes again. The face became puffy, movements became slow and body became very tender. My angel was fast losing her shape! Oh that was my opportunity to rub anywhere I want, from head to toe and I did a splendid job of it. S.ex had to be rationed! Especially as the tummy grew bigger. Romantic and creative me had to device various positions, so as not to hurt both my babies (wife and the little one!). I knew it was just a matter of time.

During delivery (a protracted one, that almost resulted to C/S), I had to be there in the delivery room and watched live as my baby came out. Finally, I became a father! What a feeling. Gradually, she took over her kitchen and I didn’t get enough of those free chicken and unrestricted access to the kitchen again! Well, until the 2nd pregnancy came a few years after.

That one was a kettle of fish altogether! I won't bore you with the details. I was no longer a novice so I knew what to expect this time around. So I thought! The 3rd pregnancy was a tough one that eventually ended in a C/S. Till today, she tells me no man can beat my show of maturity and love, including my cooking skills .

Women need the best their husbands can dish out during such periods. If any man claims to be a man, that is really the time to display how much love you have for your wife. This is my appeal to the husbands and would-be husbands reading this. Please support your wives (and babies during such period). You will actually be sowing by doing such. Yes, it will push you to the limits, if hers is such a tough pregrnancy, and test your endurance because certain things would have to be relaxed during such period. I can tell you however, she will never forget how you were there when she needed you most. The reward you will certainly reap.

God bless y'all.

Let me start to recall those days. . .

Wify got pregnant immediately after we got married (probably that very day, but definitely not more than 3 days after- that’s a story for another day!). Novice and inexperienced us; we didn’t even know. Two weeks after, she fell sick. We didn’t even suspect pregnancy, though all the signs were there- nausea, vomiting and all. She had fever and was dehydrated. We got to the clinic and was confirmed pregnant after test. Then started the journey that won me accolades and everlasting admiration of my wife.

Everything became strange. My new wife practically became different. The ever bubbling, hardworking gal I knew became so dull, moody, fuzzy and lazy! I knew this wasn’t my girl. The wonders of hormones! Attempts at preparing food in the kitchen became disastrous. She just couldn’t stand the smell of anything again. Worse still, they trigger off the vomiting.

Who would have thought going out together will be such a trying period? Well, so it became. The smell of car fragrance and fume became allergic. So the first thing she does as soon as she enters the car is to throw up inside the car. She became sad that she was giving me stress. I had to calm her down, that I am in love with her, vomits or not. So, cleaning up the car wasn’t a problem to me. In fact, I counted it all joy that I will soon become a father! I had to provide a special bowl in the car permanently to take care of that.

Because of this, I had to practically go with her whenever she wanted to go out. Thankfully, she was yet to start working then. We visited the clinic for antenatal together. We went to the market together. Do I talk of when the nausea came right there in the market? She tried to suppress it and with my hands massaging her back, urged her to do it right there, with all eyes gazed on this young couple, hubby rubbing wify’s back while she vomits! That was my moment to shine- my own version of Public Display of Affection.

Every morning I had to get up early to prepare food for her before I set for work, rush home during lunch time to check on her and clean-up. I took over the kitchen and became the official cook. And they are special foods- sometimes without salt! No onions, no frying at all. Most times no pepper, no stew, just okro! Very odd demands became the order of the day. After testing my skills in the kitchen, several times the food had to be rejected for upsetting her homones! Chicken and meat became prohibited for her. How I enjoyed those days. I ended up eating as much chicken as I could

The first trimester had just ended- two more to go. And this is just the first pregnancy. . .

@Topic, I don't normally boast but permit me to feel proud of myself a little today!

There are very few periods in a marriage (if any!) that can beat the way a hubby treats his wife in pregnancy. This is when a man's patience, attitude, tolerance, self-control, long-suffering, gentleness, love, understanding, compassion, in fact the whole gamut of the virtues (or vices!) you can think of, is put to the utmost test! Happy is that man who comes out of it intact and with distinction, for he will forever earn the respect, admiration and worship of his wife!

Will be back in a moment. . .

@Chaircover, what a husband you have! Reminds me of myself You don't have to feel guilty. I have seen the wonder of hormones 3 times!

@sub_zidi, lol! I guess it has to do with the male ego. We want to figure things out on own own and feel proud of our achievement! Sometimes it backfires. Don't mind us.

@Gaggi, give it up! What if the OP registered using another name but is actually not new to NL? The Jenny we know is not given to pretence. It seems you like her so much

@sub_zidi, that was quick and commendable! Thanks for listening and taking to advice as well. You and hubby will get to understnad each other the more. Conflicts are bound to occur. Learn from them and be the best for yourselves. Loving the two of you already!

As Jenny said, make sure you repay the four days of absence from duty with a weekend of marathon!

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As for Jenny, I saw beyond all that fiesty and blunt character long ago. I knew she had to be a great person through and through. All of us can't be the same. I am glad I wasn't proved wrong. So, Jenny this is for you

@sub_zidi, as others have said, please let your hubby be the man. Right now, he feels you are trying to play the man. Man wants to fix things, figure things out, be in charge. . . so let him! For example, that generator episode, even though you were out for his safety, you should let him sort things out, instead of trying to tell him how to do it. Later after he has fixed it (or fumbled at it!) then you can voice your concerns.

It sounds odd, but when I fix things, I don't want wify around telling me what to do or even telling me 'well done' while I am at it, sweating. Many times, after I have tried and failed at it (oh yes!), I try to eat the humble pie and seek her help. Some men are wired like that. Maybe your hubby is one.

Another thing you shouldn't have done is to travel out of base for days without 'properly' informing him. Dropping a note was not the best, under the circumstance, and his not calling you (not that I support that) might be as a result of that. It should have been the opportunity to mend things with him and break the ice, since you would be out for days.

Testing limits is normal in the 1st years of marriage. You get to discover what works and what doesn't. However, take care of the little things so they don't become major. Avoid malice and resentment and improve on communicating with each other. Learn the peculiarity of yourselves and adjust to each other. God bless your marriage.

@analytical your presence is needed at nairalandcharity@gmail.com

Present, 'Mother superior'

jennykadry: You both are keeping malice which is not good at all for this marriage at least not at this stage. You both seem to be full of pride, One of yous need to step down and let the other person take charge(without pride). . . . I cannot imagine that one of yous is away from the other person and no one has bothered to communicate?

I have to disagree with cotton101 here, there is a big issue going on here. You sound like an emotional person to me and because of that you guard your emotions and your heart so jealously that you do not want any arrow of hurt to strike through. I cannot imagine leaving lag to PH and not even seeing my husband let alone, him taking me to the airport, or we both not communicating because we have some hanging issues.

Before the downfall of a man comes pride and that "man" in that sentence could be male or female. You both obviously are not ready for marriage

Please I beg you both, LET GO OF PRIDE FOR IT WILL LEAD YOUS TO DESTRUCTION. You both have allowed the devil into your marriage, it is time the both of you threw him out and shut the door.

Well said, Jenny. They are both displaying immaturity. Well, they are in their 1st year so I guess it is to be expected.

@Ifyalways, you are on point!

[size=3pt]BTW, you and kpekus! Your hubby is a blessed man.[/size]

@sub_zidi, let me cut the chase and get straight to the point since you are online now. Please pick your phone right now and call your husband as you sob! We can address the issues later on here. Waiting to hear you just did. Pour your heart to him. Now!

@Tgirl4real, it's definitely not right, especially since mama's presence is going to be needed the first few days/months after delivery. Even if they don't want to tell the rest of the family, your mum should have been informed so she can prepare adequately before time, instead of turning it to an emergency, thereby distrupting her own plans.

jennykadry: let me tell you that the bedroom and the kitchen are the two most important places to a woman in her husbands house. Those two places literally are the best ways to a man's heart. . .

Jenny, you are soo right. I didn't even know you wrote this when I typed mine. So right.

Analytical: . . .To those saying what is the big deal, you have to realise this is the wife's territory. Aside from the bedroom, wives guard their kitchens (pots especially) jealously. To this particular husband, both actually mean nothing to him. That is why the sisters can be sleeping on her bed shortly after her sneaking out...

It's like some people still don't get it. Here is a sister displaying such irritating attitude of "it's my brother's property, you might as well go to hell and I can do whatever I choose, afterall you are just a wife" and some expect the wife to just swallow it and be tolerant? It doesn't end there. I am almost 100% sure wife does all the dishes after they all must have eaten! Afterall, she is 'our wife', expected to worship her in-laws and take loads of rubbish in her own home. Which responsible husband beats his wife, right in front of his sisters? It's even annoying that he has a sister living under his roof that refuses to talk to his wife from the day she came.

We've seen such types countless times. That is why I don't blame the girls, but the spineless husband whose wife's dignity means nothing to him. To those saying what is the big deal, you have to realise this is the wife's territory. Aside from the bedroom, wives guard their kitchens (pots especially) jealously. To this particular husband, both actually mean nothing to him. That is why the sisters can be sleeping on her bed shortly after her sneaking out. To think these sisters will one day become wives too!

The husband refused to take charge of his home. From day one, you make your people know whoever 'touches' your wife touches the apple of your eyes! You don't give people the opportunity to disrespect her. The way they see you treat her will send a message to everyone to behave. It's not the wife that should do that. That is why I am angry with the husband. It's his duty to protect the wife before his sisters turned her to a garbage.

During the early years of my marriage when one of my younger ones was around and left plates for my wife to pack after eating, nobody told him to pack them when he saw me carrying my own plates to the kitchen. In fact, he rushed to collect the plates from me and came back to clear the remaining. And that was the last time it ever happened! Now, it wasn't my wife that did that so she didn't even come into the picture. But it sent the message down.

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Oh, the advice to the OP? I have none right now as I am still angry with the husband.

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@nikkygal, Amen.

Shame on husbands that cannot take control of their homes. Shame on husbands that cannot put down the rules for their sibblings (younger ones at that!) in their own homes! Shame on husbands that cannot protect their wives but will rather take sides with their sisters! Shame on husbands that will prefer their sisters to feed their babies while rough-handling their wives! Shame on husbands that will physically abuse their wives and allow their sisters to control their homes! Shame! Shame !! Shame!!!

What sort of husbands do we have these days? Instead of putting the sisters where they belong, he is busy acting like a whimp. So spineless. It's his (and his wife's home). You don't go to my wife's kitchen and pot to start dishing food for yourself if she didn't give you the permission to do so. The dishing was not even the problem, it's the attitude displayed.

You don't want to obey the rules and respect my wife in her home, you stay far away! It's as simple as that.

@Tgirl4real, thanks.

Tgirl4real:

Just wondering . . .how come women don't take their frustrations out on their hubby wen they are stressed from work, kids, chores and a thousand thing that crave their attention? Just wondering o.

You are about to open a pandora's box here! You may not like the contents. Do not say I didn't warn you! Who says women don't take their frustrations out on their husbands? When you hear arguments from the bedrooms at night, don't be surprised madam has decided to 'close shop' because she is 'tired'. Some claim headaches and body pain altogether at that critical moment when the man is ready to fire!

What other release of frustration are you looking for? Some women become so moody at home because of office issues. More frustrating to the man is the fact that she expects him to somehow decode why she is moody without being told! Should I talk of countless husbands that have been told under duvet at one corner of the bed that 'if you need dinner tonight you can fix it yourself because as you can see, I am tired', leaving the man wondering what he has done wrong again?

I had better stopped.

@Nneka2015, Let me start by saying your husband has not done well by generally being nasty to you, avoiding you, drinking, keeping late nights etc. That is not acceptable.

Permit me, however, to see things in a different light- using your husband's eyes. It seems those are just symptoms of underlying issues. There certainly must be reasons why a man suddenly takes to drinking and keeping late nights, moreso when that man is a pilot! I believe those traits are against the ethics and demands of his profession. They are more like trying to mask some frustration rather than trying to punish you.

How has he been coping with his job of recent? Is he happy with his job? When was he promoted last? Has he been complaining about his salary? Does he complain about his airline often? Is he getting fulfilled at work? Is the work pressure getting too much demanding of his time with you and the kids? Does he really have time to relax (apart from the late nights)? Are his flight schedules too unrealistic and devoid of enough rest-time without adequate and commensurate compensation? You need to answer these.

Now, if all these are happening and coming home to see you, according to him, untidy might just set him on the edge, considering some of his complaints about you. Mind you, he has all those ever-smiling, trim, courteous, and shapely (read sexy!) air hostesses milling all around him most of the time! It's only natural if he releases some of the frustrations on you (who else?).

Also, what's the nature of your own job? I get a bit confused that he comes home late after you have left for work! Are you on night shifts? Please clear that. Is he reacting to your being unavailable? You guys will have to sit down and have a good talk on how things can be re-jigged to accommodate each other more.

He has to get off those destructive habits he is indulging now and you have to help him do that. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him on this. It may actually cost him his job and life (and that of others!). Let him realize this. Also, take care of your own end of his complaints by being more tidy. Don't give him excuse to stay out. Get out of the ordinary and be his air hostess at home! It's good you love each other. Give it some actions and get that divorce off your mind for now and instead work on your relationship.

As I will always say, marriage is like a garden that needs to be nurtured and tended for it to blossom. It's also in phases and full of rough ends at times that need to be smoothened out. Many a times, our pursuits of the day-to-day mundane takes the shine and romance out of it and we need to get back to the basics of wooing each other afresh. Keep at it girl!

I don't wish it turns out that way Tgirl4real, neither do I want to divert attention to my story (it's been some years now!). I mentioned it in my post to illustrate my point of view, especially since we were considering the "life and death" situations. I was hoping people will respond with their own examples of such situations to provide a rich discourse.

My apologies!

@Theblessed, thanks for your empathy! You sure understand. To say the least, it was devastating for all of us and we still feel the pain. How do you quantify the pain of family gathering months ago to celebrate wedding only to gather some months after for his burial? Tragic. You said it all.

God bless.

@Reference, the key phrase according to the topic is "in matters of life and death" and that changes a lot of things. I think it's beyond just the mental resources.

ifyalways: What we do in my house is this;simple procedures and check ups is just me and spouse but anything that would mean or lead to "spending a night " at the hospital, we tell my mom and Pil. Works fine for us so far.

Great decision. It works. When my wife had an emergency C/S due to complication 2 weeks before EDD, I had to inform my FIL because she is not just my wife, she is someone's precious daugther as well. Yes, as the husband, I signed the form, but I owe it a responsibility to inform them, not that I expected the worst, but I thought it's wise. Moreso, I needed their moral support and prayers at that critical point.

Tgir4real, thanks for my brother's. Yes you are right. They should have voiced out- on time. If I had written about the incidence in my grief, I probably would have done what Ogo's letter did- push the whole blame on the wife for killing her husband! One great lesson to be learnt out of all these is to be at peace with our family members (both sides) as much as practicable (I note we can't please all).

Tgirl4real:

ok.

I had a tough time selecting picking a topic sef

Try making the last part "Family or spouse". It looks like it's too long.

Tgirl4real, can you modify the title to "Who should a spouse listen to, in matters of 'life and death'? Family or your other spouse?" or something like that. The present title is too general.

Cheers.

Thank you for raising the topic. I read lastpages's posers and I too thought it's worth discussing. To open up this discussion let me start by saying I wish I could give a straight answer to the questions by saying it is the spouse or the family that one should listen to. Unfortunately, things may not be as straightforward as they seem.

I am for the unity and harmony of spouses. I believe the moment you exchange vows, you belong to each other. Decisions should be taken jointly and adhered to, if there is to be harmony in the home. However, there are certain decisions whose outcome affect not just the two spouses but others as well, whether for good or bad. In such situations, it becomes not just who to listen to, but what sound judgement/counsel to take, wherever or whoever it is coming from.

When faced with a life and death situation, I think discretion and sound judgement (from qualified quarters) should take over. The spouse or family may not be in the best position to offer such at such critical moment (akin to why doctors don't treat their spouses) and it will be foolhardy, if not suicidal, for a spouse to insist his/her decision has to be final. Likewise the family members. I wouldn't want to pitch family against spouses. Neither would I want to totally reject culture as bad in that regard. The overall interest should be the life/health of the person involved and what is best for the person, not some warring egos.

I say this because in the event of death, it's not only the spouse that loses out. The family of the deceased also incurs a great loss. Let me share my story.

I lost a younger brother couple of years ago in a situation like this. Barely weeks into marriage he had to undergo surgery. They lived quite some states away from the rest of the family. No one in my family new what they were going through. Apparently, they decided to keep it nuclear just between the two of them. A couple of months later, he had to undergo a different surgery (life threatening). Still no one knew. He was scheduled for a 3rd surgery before the young wife cried out, but too late. Before we could intervene and organize better medical help, it was just too late. Unfortunately, he didn't make it. All this less than a year after they got married.

Things could have turned out differently if the family was informed and involved. Intervention could have been made before it was late. Perhaps he could have made it. Now, due to negligence, share immaturity and lack of discretion displayed by both, the guy is late and the young lady a widow before 25!

Now let me ask the question: should they have listened to themselves instead of involving the more matured and experienced family in handling the life and death situation? I leave that to the readers. On the other hand, reading the Ogo/Kelvin case, and following my reasoning above, she should have listened to the qualified medical judgement that said 'no more surgeries', which aligns with her husband's view as well, not taking her sister's advice.

So angry right now...

What I would have said is made nonsense by the fact that she is heavily pregnant, amidst so much turmoil. What a way to start what seems a bumpy married journey already!

chaircover: Sadly, there are a lot of people, both male and female going through all sorts of challenges in their marriages and even though the stories may sound one kind to many of us, unfortunately these things are happeneing.

I try and give the little advice that I have because I know that there may be someone somewhere who may benefit from some of it.

But you are right, many of these problems arise from very shaky and bad foundations and a lot of the advice is just medicine after death.

I really wish that there were proper marriage courses that both men and women can attend much earlier in their lives and not just the marriage counselling that churches do AFTER you have already chosen the man/woman that you want to marry and you have already chosen a date for the marriage.

I will really like it, if marriage counselling becomes a compulsary GCE subject and university module. Many people dont even know the meaning of being married and what marriage really means.

CC, you couldn't have said it any better. At the root of many of these problems is bad foundation. What we have mostly are treatments after the infection instead of immunization/prevention aganist infection, if I can use that analogy.

Cheers.

Sigh! Jennykady, I quite agree with you things have been depressing here for a while now. I read stories here and I couldn't but shake my head in amazement about what some people go through. Several times recently, I started responding to some of the problems and I just couldn't finish my responses before I get so upset and quit! Ha ha, na wetin? Just like you said, is it not the same marriage one is into? But then, it makes one appreciate what one has and gives one the encouragement to keep making it enjoyable.

But then, I am not totally surprised and you shouldn't really. Afterall, when you go to a hospital, maybe 99% of people you meet there (apart from the staff) came there because of one problem or the other. It will be wrong to think that 99% of the society must be sick. You get my drift? So many come to the family section to get opinions and advice on their problems. And like the good book said, in the multitude of counsels, there is safety. Not just for the originator but for all those who might be reading.

I didn't know how much impact one's contribution is making until I began to get mails from people seeking mentorship, advice etc on one issue or the other. Some of them, fortunately, I have had to advise, to quit their relationships before it gets to marriage, because the signs of having a bad marriage are all written. Funny enough, most fail to realise the obvious and it has to be pointed out to them. That is why your inputs to issues are among the ones I cherish. No nonsense and blunt? Yes, but they provide the necessary balance and perspective to issues.

You never can tell who you may have helped by your comments. So, please keep bringing them on. Also, I think more threads can actually be started that will show the brighter side of marriage and from which we all can learn useful tips and share success stories.

On the lighter side, I am sure you won't be too much depressed, not when Mr Kadry is available...

Cheers.

@Ndidibabe, I really don't understand why your husband would want you to change your first name! Surname, yes;but first name, I am hearing that for the first time! You have to let him know that is about the last thing that is personal to you as an identity. I don't think it's cool for anyone to ask his spouse to do that. If he wasn't comfortable with it or your being Ibo in the first instance, he shouldn't have gone into the union with you.

Sinmisola may be a fine name to him, but obviously not to you. He can give you a pet name to call you, but going to the extent of asking you to change your first name is going too far. Please find out from him why he wants you to change the name and lose that identity and everything associated with it (certificates, credentials, attachment, cultural etc). Does he know the meaning of your name? Let him know if he doesn't already. The Sinmisola can be reserved for your daughter when she comes.