@OP: Sorry if this sounds rude, but why do many guys like saying "can i know you, you look like someone i know."? Dem just dey fall my hand. That line reeks of the 1980's 

@Beaf: Thanks, I see it now. E.g.

http://www.modernghana.com/movie/3711/3/i-will-never-stop-fighting-witchcrafthelen-ukpabio.html

Pathetic!!!

@ijebubabe: Pele, omo iya mi. Hey, I'm a night-crawler, so if you wanna chat I'm here!

Merry Christmas, Kunbee!

@Beaf: Please excuse my ignorance, what does this have to do with Helen Ukpabio?

@topup: What is the question, (and the corresponding answer) that you feared you might be asked on this thread?

I am a chess enthusiast to the core! I need a serious correspondence chess player right here on Nairaland.

Rules:
1. At least one move per day. If 24 hours pass without a move from a player, he/she will lose the game.
2. The two players will decide who will play white and who will play black.
3. Other thread viewers should please, respectfully, not suggest moves to either player.
4. Analysis can be done at the end of a game. Side-comments may / may not be made only if the move can no longer be played.
5. I will endeavour to arrange screenshots of the game from time to time.
6. I plead with someone to arbitrate for us, maybe the moderator if he/she plays chess, or someone else.
7. Standard FIDE rules will be abided by.

Please let me know if there is anything I have left out, or if you have better suggestions on how to do this.

Serious chess players only, please!

Someone said there is no longer job security in the banking sector, particularly THIS bank

@mavenb0x: I will quote Marianne Williamson for you 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).

This was a Mistake.

Hi Nortiee! I should give you a call when it's morning, I guess it's too late now. Already sent you a yahoo IM request.

@luvbooks: LOL. Okay eat these too.

Captain Long John Silver
if you love someone
set her free
if she comes back up, the weights weren't tied properly 
if she doesn't, hard to starboard and full steam ahead for the next port!   

The Playa
If you love someone
set her free
In no time at all she'll be replaced by three!
Envy will bring her back, she'll be in misery
And all your pals will hail you, calling you "The G"

Male Nurse:
If you love someone, set her free
If she comes back, she's yours
If she doesn't, she's probably on call duty!!!

Medical Doctor:
If you love someone,
set her free after giving her a prescription.
If she ever comes back,
re-diagnose and consider a placebo!

Love conspiracy theorist
If you love someone.
DONT set her free
Because these are the end times
And loyal girls are scarce

Love finality-theorist
If u love someone,
set her free,
if she comes back
she is still history
Why did she leave in the first place?
For a guy to love a girl is not easy ! 

Design Engineer
if you love some one
set her free.
if she comes back
she meets the design constraints
if she does not,
you have discovered a new failure mode and effect

Alhaji Bello Abubakar Masaba (the guy who married 86 wives)
ip you lope someone
set her pree
ip she comes back(she always does  ),
keef her in the harem
ip she doesn't, marry 3 more and fray you escafe the sharia law!!!

Laugh wan kill me. Please feel free to add your own!

Thanks AKO!

@luvbooks: which was your favorite?

@madlady: LOL dont worry I haven't done many of those things either. The only difference is that I believe I will be able to do all of them whenever I need to

How are you today, by the way?

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was,

THE NEW VERSIONS ARE,

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ,
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ,
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ,
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ,
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ,
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ,

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ,
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ,

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom

Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.

Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.

Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.

MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

A human being should be able to

change a diaper,
plan an invasion,
butcher a hog,
conn a ship,
design a building,
write a sonnet,
balance accounts,
build a wall,
set a bone,
comfort the dying,
take orders,
give orders,
cooperate,
act alone,
solve equations,
analyze a new problem,
pitch manure,
program a computer,
cook a tasty meal,
fight efficiently,
die gallantly.

Specialization is for insects.

(extracted from Time Enough for Love by Robert A. Heinlein (1973), a quotation)

What do you think?

Ad libitum, mavenb0x. Just include the scripture references.

Fornication simply means voluntary sexual intercourse between persons not married to each other.

There are many types of fornication, and adultery, extra-marital affairs, swinging, wilful Bleep'in and pre-marital sex are just special cases.

Pre-marital sex is a TYPE of fornication. QED.

God exists today, tomorrow and forever.

Those are the ones I have written for now. More to come later!

THE OIL DEPOSIT, THE STOCK MERCHANT AND THE VACANCY

The kingdom of heaven is like a rich oil deposit in a field in the Middle East. When a man knew about it, he covered his tracks carefully, and in his joy sold all that he had and bought that field.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a stock merchant looking for high-yield stock. When he found a very profitable initial public offer, he sold everything he had and bought ALL the stock.

Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a multinational company with an entry-level vacancy. Millions of graduates all over the continent applied for the job, and when the recruiting officers had had enough entries, the vacancy was declared closed. Then they sat down and conducted rigorous tests & interviews to select appropriate candidates, and sent the other applicants who didn’t meet up away. This is how it will be at the end of the age: angels will come & separate the wicked from the righteous, and throw them into the fiery furnace, where sorrow lives & weeping is an eternal experience.

“Have you understood all these things?” Jesus asked the viewers.

“Yes”, they replied.

BIRD FLU (Matt 13:24-30)

The kingdom of heaven is like a Veterinary Doctor who just bought day-old chicks for his large scale poultry. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and added some chicks with a strange strain of the contagious bird flu, and went away.

Shortly after, the servants commented about seeing some chicks acting like weird, and asked the origin. The Vet did tests and said “An enemy did this”.

The servants asked “Should we kill any chicken with the strain?”

“No, in the ensuing frenzy, innocent chicks will die as well. My own chicks have been adequately inoculated when I obtained them, so let them grow together. When they stop flocking around together, we can separate the infected ones and burn them”.

SEED-LIFE High (Matt 13:3-9)

The graduates of SEED-LIFE High school – international school of child prodigies – had their valedictory service and after an inspiring lecture the youngsters dispersed.

Some of them got involved in a public fight over a football match and an irate fan shot them all dead.

Some were immediately hired by multinational companies who neglected their inexperience, and they quickly became managers due to their intelligence. But when business crises came, they made bad decisions, mismanaged funds and ended up in jail.

Some gained admission into college and they were very popular. For their notoriety, they were lured into bad gangs doing drugs, got busted and ended up in jail.

Still, others went to ivy league colleges and graduated with distinctions, landing jobs that paid them hundred, sixty or thirty times the paycheck of their contemporaries.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

CARCINOGENIC SKIN CREAM (Matt 12:43-45)

When a carcinogenic skin cream is banned in a third world country for causing cancer, it searches for market in developed countries but doesn’t find. Then the manufacturers smuggle some of it back into the developing country and find out that the masses don’t use skin cream because the available healthy ones are expensive.

So the manufacturers change the brand name and include a bonanza for six lotions, each one deadlier than the first, and these products flood the market like hot-cakes. The outbreak of cancer in that country is far worse than before. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.

PUMP UP THE VOLUME (Matt 9:19-22)

One day on a live KINGDOM satellite network TV program, Jesus was carrying out his teaching and healing projects.

A woman who had 12 years of haemorrhage held her TV remote control and turned on the maximum volume, saying “If I feel the vibes in his voice, I will be healed”.

Jesus knew, and paused to ask viewers “Who just increased the volume on their TV set?”, and the lead presenter was puzzled, saying it could be any of the billions of people around the globe. Jesus insisted, and the woman called into the show to report what she did.

Jesus smiled and said, “Take heart, your faith has healed you”, and the woman was healed from that moment.

Putting a brake on it (Mark 4:35-41)

That day, after many long hours of a live interview, Jesus said to them “Let’s go to the other side”. And after dispersing the journalists and the audience, they took him into a huge jeep, although there were other cars there as well. As they journeyed, the jeep’s brakes malfunctioned at a certain curve and the SUV hit a fire hydrant on the road, the tank got punctured and started leaking, caught a spark and the Jeep went into flames. As such, they were in a burning jeep with no brakes.

Jesus was asleep on the backseat, it had been a long day. They awoke him and asked, “Are you not even concerned that we’re in a speeding bomb soon to explode?”. Jesus simply stretched, rebuked the fire and said to the SUV “That’s enough. Stand down.” and immediately the fire disappeared, the tank stopped leaking and the jeep adjusted its speed instantly. And he said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (He asked this question because he had already assured them earlier, saying “Let’s go to the other side”, which meant none of them could have gotten hurt).

The disciples were terrified and said, “Who’s this guy? Even fire and mechanical faults obey him?!  ”

Grand Theft Auto (Matt 12:29)

How can a thief force a burly heavyweight boxing champion out of his car and try to steal it unless he holds a gun to his head? Then he can drive off alone with the car. (He said this while explaining that for one to subvert a spiritual enemy, one had to subvert the very head of the self-same enemy)

Car Racing and Club Football (Matt 9:16-17)

“No one lets a child drive himself to school, for he will drive just as if he’s playing a car racing game on his computer, and he’ll get involved in a gruesome motor accident”

“Neither do club coaches allow female players into male international soccer teams. If they do, the men won’t concentrate, the games will be lost and all the players’ careers are ruined. No, they separate female teams from male teams, and both are preserved.”

Rich Dad, Poor Dad (Matt 7:24-28)

“So, everyone who hears these words of mine and does them is like the rich wise man who invested his money into the foreign exchange, bonds, shares and treasury bills. National inflation set in, banks folded up and merged, government salaries dropped and there was a labour congress strike yet his family continued getting richer because of his investments.

But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like the poor foolish man who was keeping his salary in cash under his bed, and making major purchases using his credit card. National inflation, Bank failures and mergers, Reduced salaries, Bad debt and the Labour Congress strike caused great hunger as his family’s poverty accelerated.”

When Jesus had finished saying these things, viewers at home were amazed at His wisdom, because he spoke as a business mogul, and not like the usual TV presenters.

The Microstuff CEO (Matt 8:5-13)

Jesus was about to begin a live interview at Capernaum, when the CEO of the renown software company, Microstuff, came on scene to plead with Jesus, saying “My best programmer has a terrible cancer, and he’s dying…”

Jesus responded, “As you can see, the interview is about to start. I’ll see him afterwards”. The Microstuff CEO answered, “I’m not worthy to ask you to come to the house: just speak the word, and he’ll be healed. I command the richest software company on earth, and the windows of opportunity that other software companies have to profit from are always at my discretion. Just some few weeks ago, I decided to release a new operating system, and all other software companies have to catch up. I say to one who renders a service, “Pack 1! No, Pack 2!! Or better, Pack 3!!!” and he does so. I say to others who use frameworks ‘Dot my Net!’ and they do so.”

Jesus was impressed, and said “I haven’t yet seen anyone who foots this bill, nowhere within the gates of Israel have I found such great faith!” and I say unto you, Many people from all walks of life, businessmen from far and wide, will sit down in heaven with the patriarchs of faith. But the children of the kingdom will be cast into outer darkness: weeping their souls out.” And to the CEO, he said, “Go your way: as you have believed, so it is.”

And Microstuff’s best programmer was healed of cancer immediately.