₦airaland Forum

TooNoisy:
not tell them to indulge in immortality

Immorality you mean.

I personally don't believe preaching is effective, people will listen then do what they always wanted to do. I'm pretty certain that even without this thread many women will still practise this deception. How many men were led to believe that their wives were special and innocent girls before they got married? I daresay probably half of the married women out there are guilty of this.

shaybebaby:
What free pass? Who wants a man that is firing blanks, ignorant and looking to shift the responsibility of infertility on the woman?

Nobody. Go on and screen for male fertility if you must. Funny thing is that it will be women who will also protest more against this, they know that if such a demand were to be made mandatory before all marriages it would lend greater urgency to the demand that they should open up their past too.

babyosisi:
This is for all you males that insist that you need to i check out and make sure your wives can conceive
Facts are sacred
Dinachi ,timbuktou,harveyspec cococandy,keppyy,jahblessme,bukatyne,apextitan,njokusboy,kilode100,4teelaw


Are the ladies still trying to rationalise the deception of concealing their past before their husbands with this study? How does this even work?

Let us assume the study is accurate and without fault; so men are responsible for infertility therefore the women they choose to spend the rest of their lives with should go ahead and hide important details of their lives from the men?

I think this thread boils down to the fact that women want a free pass into marriage regardless of who they were in the past. This thread is a subtle attempt in trying to lift the demands that a relationship founded on transparency and trust would make on them.

Ladies, the rationalisation hamster is overworking itself and we can all see it. Try another line abeg.

Arsenal! Keep it up!

keppyy:
If it's a direct question, I believe you should speak the truth or choose not to answer...My Opinion

I'm Sorry for quoting you.

Do not apologise for quoting anyone, this is a public forum if anyone does not want to be qouted they shouldn't make any comments in the first place.

babyosisi:
Keep her story to keep her dignity
Why must she be the blabbing partner?
Did you even read the story I responded to
This is not even about marriage


About your last question,my opinion on it is all over the thread already

Re: my last question, unless I am mistaken you have counselled women to not reveal anything that might jeopardise their current relationship. I want to know specifically in the event where the man does ask directly, does your counsel still stand in that case?

babyosisi:
But you have heard the story,each time you think about her,those stories are there
That is my point
Her story is already out there and she dates someone else and blabs again,they break up and she finds another and continues blabbing
What is she telling these stories for?
That is my beef and the pattern I would want these younger girls to break

Would you rather that she keeps her history so as to secure a man?

What exactly is your advise to young girls when they are directly confronted by a love interest about specific or significant details of their relationship past?

Some topics

-The challenges before gender equality in Nigeria.

-The effects of the push for gender equality on the family.

-The history of the gender equality movement.

Do share whatever topic you speak on here too. Good luck.

There is little left for book readers to use as spoilers, the TV series and the books have now started going seperate ways.

crackhaus:
Good to be a man BTW, lord knows if I were a woman with zero self-esteem and below-average self confidence in this man's world, I would have committed suicide by now.

Na lie!

If you were a woman you would continue to follow the feminine imperative and live solely for your interests. If any of your actions don't meet with the approval of society or are short on morals you would rationalise it away as being necessary and expeditious. Your agency would be focused on controlling the man, it is his world after all so control him and you control everything.

urchbarbie:
must it always boil dwn to women. When dis it become a sin/taboo to av a chaste man?

By all means let women prescribe the standards they want for their men.

Except history (and biological determinism) has shown that women are more interested in the man's provisioning ability than in his ability to remain chaste. It is his ability to provide for and protect her and her children that trigger her interests in the man. This is something they have demonstrated by their behaviour and actions over millennia.

The call for fidelity will always be directed first and foremost to the woman because amongst other things she is the one that is largely affected by sex.

It's amazing seeing the level rationalisation of deception on this thread.

People have to ask themselves what is important; to enter into a relationship based on trust and understanding or to build on one with insincerity and fraud.

Is the end game to stay married no matter what?

The bulk of female opinion here agree that that is the aim. Don't rock the boat, let sleeping dogs lie, the past doesn't matter. The fact that men are sold a lie regarding their partners is of no consequence. It is what the women want that is of primary importance.

And what they want is that after rocking their party years they should be free to settle down as they please. The campaign is open and real. And so we see rationalisations that say society should be less judgemental on women, that not all men are capable of bearing the truth...

Even Joseph the earthly father of Jesus was about to cancel his engagement with Mary when he learnt that she was pregnant with child, it took an angel from heaven to persuade him to continue with the marriage. No man will readily accept a promiscious partner.

Women innately know this. They innately sense that their chances of marriage are slim if their colourful past is opened up before men so the rationalisations continue in earnest.

Men, Be ever vigilant!

4teelaw:
I mean one after oga dug the tunnel himself.

But there's no meter, as you find it unbelievable, so will many others, so what's the use? It's either you are a virgin or not. Numbers can be conjured.

Numbers can be conjured, true, but the number a woman gives is very telling of the type of person she is. The whole premise we seek here is one of transparency, it's not just a number thing, both partners should come to terms with each other's baggage as early as possible.

This is in contrast with the line being towed by the OP that silence should be maintained so as not to rock the boat. This is only for those who want to stay married regardless of the cost. I think this is bad.

Again I have to appeal to everyone, men and women here to desist from making this thread an arena of personal attacks, lets keep the discussions free from insults and riling remarks. Haba

4teelaw:
Does that place have a meter that measures Body count! If a woman doesn't tell you, you will never know. So why set yourself up for a big surprise?
Some things are not necessary. It's the 'I must marry virgin or low body count' school of thought that makes women lie about these things, and

Oh but it is necessary. A man with a fair approximation of his wife's number count has a fair approximation of the type of woman she is. He knows whether he is settling down with a real good girl or a reformed harlot. It is imperative that the man comes to terms with it at the beginning of the relationship, having it revealed later by accident is most displeasing. The only way he can have such information is to ask, the man should ask her.

The possibility that the woman may lie about such information is why men have been advised to multiply whatever number she states by 3. It then is up to him to decide if he can live with such a woman.

----

Funny thing about N counts is that women tend to reduce their count while men tend to increase theirs. For men divide whatever number they state by 3 and for women multiply their number by 3


If a woman sleeps with four men who have Emeka in their names she counts all four as one.
If it was with twins she will count both guys as one.
If she was drunk that night and had sex, she won't count that night
If the sex lasted less than 5 minutes she won't count it.
If it was with a colleague who has left the company then that doesn't count too
Oral or ánal only? Sorry, she wont count that.
On a public holiday? No count.
The man was too small? NO COUNT



They will easily provide enough reasons why their number is lower than it really is or why all of this is unimportant. All of this is because the sexually liberated modern woman still innately senses that a life of promiscuity is actually bad

Timbuktou:
You're a very, very generous human being, sir.

How would you have it then?

4teelaw:
Actually a man with no self esteem will be looking for a virgin to marry. Happy searching. My advise, look for a mom to betrothe her newborn to you, so that you can marry her at 15, okay?

Maybe you are joking or you want to get back at the other poster but this statement is patently untrue. Men should be encouraged to marry virgins or women with very low number count as possible. In fact I think that once N>4 for the woman you are heading into troubled waters.

More than half of the weddings you see conducted every saturday end in a quick and nasty divorce, all kinds of people enter into matrimony without being fit for it. In vetting for wife a man should exercise the highest diligence possible, he must have very high standards otherwise he is setting himself up for a world of hurt pain and disappointment. If he cannot do so he is best advised not to marry! The women who have a promiscuous history will continue to play the "pump & dump" role that they are used to even in marriage, why would any man make a wife out of such a woman? It is usually after playing the field that these type of women look to get married then they latch on to the so called good men that they can find. The poor sucker is told that love is all that matters, her history is of no importance meanwhile he is taking in a woman that many others have 'gone to town with' as his wife.

Men should marry virgins or women that are close as possible to one. There is nothing so extraordinary that should drive a man into marriage with a woman with a promiscuous past! This advice is necessary for the times we live in, if you can't find a woman who meets your very high standards then hold aloof from marriage. It is not a do or die affair.

fatdon2:
Justice Aneke in his ruling, said the
plaintiffs who are both lawyers and
subscribers of DSTV had no
obligation to continue using the
service of Multichoice after they
increase their charges.

Very correct. Nobody is forced to use DSTV. If you find the cost of service too high switch to another platform or go and read a book.

urchbarbie:
the question is why? aint both sex humans? Some say the itch is greater in men making them polygamous in nature. pls care to shed more light dear

From a purely biological view point one has to agree that the sexual drive is generally stronger in men. The average male has something like 17% more testosterone (the hormone that is largely responsible for libido) than the average woman. This amount of testosterone is mainly stable throughout the man's life. Such a high sexual drive ensure that the man is able to spread his seed effectively and ensure the survival of the species. The woman on the other hand has a much lower level of testosterone and her drive is cyclical, that is, it is affected by her menstrual cycle...

I think this is part of the reason men are generally considered polygamous in nature.

[Human beings are however much more than the sum of their biological systems so other factors are at play here. Discussing all of that would only derail this thread so we'll leave it for now]

babyosisi:
So for someone like me whose husband never asked about names and titles of my past relationships and I never asked him nko
From the stories we tell we know the names of some of them obviously
I keep wandering what people need the details for because I don't remember that discussion coming up with people I have dated
Where are the men doing this asking or is it a given that women must spill their past
Who made that rule?
Because that is what I am reading from many of you
If she hides it and I find out blah blah
Find out what
Was she a virgin when you met her
Is it rocket science to make deductions that there were other men before you?
All this name them and describe them sounds so childish IMHO
So that what will happen
They are not necessary for the most part
People should be mature


I guess many of them responding here are teens or young adults,so their answers are expected

The necessity of such information is a result of the times we live in. With the liberalism that is afforded to today's modern woman coupled with the risks that marriages pose for men, the man needs to make an informed decision about his future life partner.

I join the voices that advocate that men should hold women to the highest standards possible when marriage or long term relationships are considered.

babyosisi:
I said nothing about agreeing to marry her,read me again

For that one woman there are perhaps hundreds with the same past and no tapes

For me today knowing my husband as well as I do,if he came out today and told me he killed somebody in high school ,I won't even leave him let alone turn him in
It will not change my opinion about the man I love today
he must not have loved her enough
He was just looking for a reason to leave and found one

By refusing to disclose such a fact to her husband the woman is basically defrauding him and I am against any counsel for women to keep mum about things like this before their husbands.

If after disclosing her past history to her husband he refuses to go along with the marriage it's all well and good. As painful as this may be it is better than entering into a union based on such a level of deception.

All healthy relationships involve a level of deception that's true, but for matters that border on the very foundations of marriage both parties must come to terms with the each other's baggage.

A woman's number count is not an issue that can be glossed over for men.

babyosisi:
Didn't I say it here that making sextapes is foolish
That is the moral of that story
Do you think the man would have stayed with tapes of his wife all over the internet even if she had talked if her wild past
How many will?
How many people make sex tapes?
Ladies keep your mouths shut

Whether he would have agreed to marry her if he knew about this earlier is not the issue. He would most likely have had a rethink and avoided marriage - the important thing is that he would have been making an informed decision. This is different from the case where he married her thinking she was a "good girl" because of the non-disclosure of her past. Her silence about this was in effect an act of deception.

Ewuro4:
*Yawn*

Politically correct response is without a doubt No secrets.

BUT

Large % of average Nigerian women will rather take their "colourful" past to their grave than open up to her judgemental conditioned fiancé (or his relatives).

Let's face it , how many Nigerian men will conveniently flaunt her 'previously wayward high school/college chic' as a wife? Yall not mentally & emotionally equiped for that level yet. You'll get there. No offence atall. Just being real ni

Look at those bigger boys in school(Uni) as a good example, after using all the popular girls like rubber bands through 4/5years of cohabitation and endless daily fvcking, they come up with stupid stories prior to NYSC and finally end up wifing a 'reserved' chic.

And I trust the gals too... They'd rather go to kafancha and chose their men. Infact most of them marry clueless Yankee/Europe boys. (Karma is a reaaal biiatch )

Too many examples but I'll keep my mouth shut coz its a small world out here.

It is well.

Just shine your eyes yall and smarten up!

Ain't judging Nobody.. It's the Survival of the smartest out there in the dating jungle.

Ciao!

This is not a Nigerian or African thing. It universally applies to all men.

Women tend to hide their colourful past, whether they be British, American or Nigerian. Men are displeased (and that's putting it lightly) to learn about their wife's or partners escapades from the past from sources other than the wife, this applies to Nigerian, American and Russian men.

There was a story on Reddit early this year, it has been taken down by OP on that site where a man, American, learnt about his wife's 'party years' by stumbling across some videos of the wife being banged by several guys in her university days. Interestingly the woman had always been sexually reclusive with her husband so he was beyond shocked to see her taking it from several guys at once all the while shouting how such a whorê she was. There were several videos. The man has since filed for divorce. The woman's defence was that she did those things way before she met him and so she didn't have to tell him of it and that she had been faithful to him since her marriage. Such a position cannot undo the hurt the man must have felt. There is no way he can see her as the loving wife she now claimed to be.

Makes you wonder about the girls on places like college girls gone wild and the poor fool that will marry them.

Ladies, come clean on matters like this. Your partners deserve to know the truth about you. It's the best policy.

As an aside I thought I'd mention this here for those who think that men and women are affected by the same rules in relationships.

A study conducted by the University of Virginia last year shows that women who played the field before getting married are less happier than women who entered matrimony as virgins. Same studies also showed that men's happiness was unaffected whether they 'played the field' or not before marriage.

The findings were published in 'Before 'I Do': What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults?', published at the University of Virginia.

Look it up ladies.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2733220/Women-don-t-sleep-wedding-happier-marriages-men-play-field-without-worry-study-finds.html

dinachi:
Brilliant analysis!
Now let's hear from the end time marriage counsillors: Babyosisi,Cococandy and Sophyrocks.

Let's not reduce this discussion to one filled with spite. The way you call out those names suggest we are fighting here. All examples and instances in these talks are hypothetical and impersonal. Cheers

In the light of the risk that marriages entail for men in today's world I think it is best for men to ASK their wives about their sexual past. The doctrine of don't ask and don't tell as regards relationships is foolish. Every man should be fully aware of the type of woman he is ending up with, he should know the type of woman that will be the mother of his children. It is best to hear it from the horse's mouth and come to terms with it than find out from a compromising video on the interwebs or some idle chatter - These things do happen.

The woman who is coy or elusive about this issue is showing a red flag... Like I stated earlier a women with a large number of previous sexual partners is a huge risk for long term/monogamous relationships.

This advice is directed to the so called good men out there because they are the ones that tend to marry women who have lengthy CVs of previous lovers. (it is very rare that a man and woman with a large number of previous partners marry themselves)

Do not marry a reformed harlot.

bukatyne:
If the rules are different, you will not see a lot of women fessing up...

Don't you get it?

Even the men who the society is more liberal to might not tell his wife all his escapades.

Women will continue to hide their party years history for as long as they can get away with it. They only fess up when ish hits the fan and their relationship is in danger. The OP is encouraging women to continue with this line of approach and I say she is doing them a disservice with such advice. The way to go about this is come clean from the start, that's what I say. The woman faces a different set of consequences when she decides to let sleeping dogs lie only for the dogs to be awaken later on by a passing canary. Those consequences are different for the man. The man may tell of his past sexual encounters to his wife and not take as much damage as the woman who is forced to reveal all later.

bukatyne:
Strange you think men and women have different rules in relationship yet you are wondering Why women should not spill all.

You cannot eat your cake and have it

This is not a matter of what I think. This is something that I have seen repeated over and over again. Any disspassionate observer will arrive at the same conclusions as I have. These different rules for the genders have been in play for almost as long as civilisation itself. The exceptions to the rule do not negate this fact.

A man with a large number of previous sexual encounters is not seen in the same light as a woman with a similar history. The man is not castigated like the woman, if anything he is celebrated and the woman is condemned.

Cue the Hugh Hefners of this world.

You would be hard pressed to find any female equivalent of Hefner or King Solomon. The rules are indeed different for women.

Seun has repented. In the past he had no tolerance for discussions outside the TV series and used to hand out lengthy bans like chin chin. Methinks its his new found love for Dornish women that has changed his heart.

babyosisi:
People misquote me and misread me and add pepper to my posts
Men are keeping their stories,women please keep yours
That is my message
The consequences are grave in our society
Talk less
Come clean to your God and end it there for the most part
don't give any information that was not asked and if asked,you have a right not to answer or answer it in your own way

Madam you are under the impression that the same rules apply to men and women alike. When it comes to inter-gender relations different rules apply to the different genders. This is something that many modern day people refuse to come to terms with.

A man with a past, let's say a vast history of previous sexual encounters is not castigated on account of that fact (like a woman), he is not looked down upon even by his prospective wife because of this. Once he has demonstrated his provisioning ability to a woman he is romantically involved with she still remains attracted to him even if she is aware of any past that he has. Take a look in the society around you and see if this isn't true.

The woman on the other hand is best served if she comes clean at the beginning of the relationship with regards to her past. Many a man will rethink his decision to enter into a monogamous relationship with a woman after learning of her "adventurous past" (whereas women tend not to). If her past is hidden then later brought to light he feels he has been defrauded.

Advocating that women play the game the same way as men when they themselves are aware of the different rules that apply to them is a mistaken approach.

babyosisi:
Did you read the story at all
The woman was married
After a nasty divorce,her ex husband started telling the stories of her past which he knew before marrying her
Her abortions and her mother's mental illness history
Now who made the initial error?
Who is now hurting?

My comment was for when you said what are the chances of the woman getting married again in that area.

babyosisi:
Human beings are wicked I tell you
What are her chances of remarriage in that vicinity?
Nil
Women ought to be as gentle as doves and as wise as serpents
Wisdom is a gift and God says if you lack it,ask and he will give it freely


I told of a woman that opened up to her husband and confessed and is now the butt of jokes
Even women whose husbands are all over town are also talking
Imagine that
People should learn from other people's mistakes

Why should such a women still be thinking about marriage with that kind of history.

It is because many people hold on to the delusion that marriage is for all that's why they lie and deceive others to get married.