hallo

MALARIA DREAMS


Dreams are a crazy stuff, especially when malaria has a hand and a foot in it. Fancy the dream I had last night. It was so scary it made a horror film look like a routine Lagos traffic jam. I woke up sweating and decided it was time to see the doctor.
I dreamt that Senator Ahmed Yerima was elected the President of Nigeria. He settled into Aso Rock and introduced a thirteen year old, Fatima, as his wife and First Lady of Nigeria. That instantly posed a problem for the media which did not know whether Nigeria had a First Child or First Lady. Opinion was divided, but Ray Ekpu of Newswatch stepped in and decided that the media should hold a national conference and take a common position on how to address the President’s teen wife so as not to embarrass the President. The Nobel laureate Prof. Wole Soyinka maintained that to be grammatically correct, we should not address a child as a lady and asserted with authority that a “lady” is a term used to address “mature women” not “children.” He argued that she should remain a “First Child until further notice.”
But the People’s Democratic Party maintained that the problem was not grammatical but political. To which famous lawyer, Chief Femi Falana pointed out that the “child” in question was not of voting age and as such should not impose a political burden on the country. He maintained that the nation should assume that the President had no legal wife or in the alternative ask him to produce another wife worthy of being addressed as a First Lady and who was of voting age.
We were still trying to solve the matter when we heard that some civil right groups had taken the matter to the court to annul the marriage and let the child go back to school. We told them to hold on that the child was still in school and will actually be a part time First Child or First Lady and part time student. The case was dropped. We would have rested the matter there but guess what? Along came Prof. Dora Akunyili (I mean Prof Dora Akunyili again!) and said she had it on good authority that Her Excellency was still bed-wetting. She said it would do great damage to her rebranding exercise and wondered “how you could rebrand a country when the First Lady was busy wetting beds abroad.”
The Federal Ministry of Health responded promptly that it had developed drugs which could take care of bed-wetting, but if the drugs were not okay, then the First Lady could use catheter in the night and not wet beds in presidential guest houses abroad. Everyone was relieved but guess what? The Central Bank came charging that such money would not be charged to any budgetary item and would amount to an extra-budgetary expenditure and fraud. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission agreed and said the National Assembly should approve a “Bed-wetting allowance” for the president, before any fund was drawn. They noted that if the man were to travel as much as President Olusegun Obasanjo did, then it would add to the national inflation and would be difficult to justify based on existing financial regulations.
Well the debate was still raging when we heard that President Barrack Obama was coming to Nigeria on a state visit and would be accompanied by his wife, Michele. Civil liberties organizations swung into action and tried to persuade the American Embassy to postpone the trip until the “First Lady” issue was resolved. But the Embassy said the visit was part of a tour of strategic African states and Nigeria was amongst the most important in Africa.
Obama actually came and was met on the tarmac by President Yerima with his wife, Fatima, in tow. Obama thought Her Execllency, Mrs Fatima Yeriama, was the garland girl and bent down to have her hang a garland on his neck. Her Excellency on the other hand thought differently in the innocence of her childlike heart, and thought he was bending down to admire her dress. She giggled and said, “Isn’t this a very wonderful dress? It is the same color with my undies.”
Michele laughed heartily and picked up Her Excellency in her hands, stroking her head. I nearly fainted! She turned to President Yerima and said, “This should be your beautiful daughter, where is her mother -your wife?” To which President Yerima looked at her stunned, not knowing what to say. The American ambassador to Nigeria stepped in and saved the situation, “Mrs. Obama, that is the President’s wife that you are carrying in your hands. You may wish to put her down beside her husband so that the reception will continue.”
The Nigerian First Lady who had been struggling to get out of Michele’s hands, looked up indignantly at the American First Lady, said, “I will not be your friend again. Only my husband carries me up and you dared to carry me up.”
President Obama stroked his tie thoughtfully and said, “Let us not have a diplomatic row over this, I forgot to tell Michele that in Africa you catch them young. It is entirely my fault. My apologies to the First Couple. And now Mr President can we proceed to other reception formalities?”
Soon the airport reception was over and the two First Ladies had to while away time while the Presidents discussed matters of state. Mrs Yerima insisted on showing Mrs Obama her toys and her grades in school. The other women stood idly by as one baby doll after the other was shown to Mrs Obama. “My husband bought this toy for me from China, she can even sing, let me play it for you.” Mrs Obama nodded.
Her Excellency Fatima hit the button and the doll began to sing, “God damn America the great Satan, down with the infidels and down with the west…” Mrs. Obama cringed but the child paid her no heed.
She bounded over to the television and turned it on. Then she moved the dial to Cartoon Network and turned to Mrs Obama, “Do you watch Tom and Jerry?” But by this time Mrs Obama had had enough, she fainted and had to be flown back to America.
I was filing the report to my editor when my wife woke me up and said it was time to take my anti-malaria drug.

i am as guilty of this silence as you

saw this and well . . . . i am sharing


A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger, he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home, Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked, And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?

We just call him 'TV.'

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)

He has a wife now, We call her 'Computer.'

Their first child is "Cell Phone".

Second child "I Pod"

@Ejadamen

you may need to see either me or kay9 for the recipe to rid ya of that rash

lol. . . .spicy

i think i know how you feel

its been a bit peeps
i have been really out of it
lost in my mind
and no matter how i tried
i couldnt break free
not sure i have yet
a few words below to capture the essence of my phase





lost in my mind

dazed like in a trance

over and over its darkness i see

plunging into walls of endless cycle

i want to break free, yet rooted i remain

spring forth shoots of misery

i feel like a mess

but not like in chess

my fears rear their heads

whilst my insecurities start to press

leaving me confused and depressed

i feel like shouting in distress

but all my lamentations fail to impress.

its in this state i find myself

writing a hate mail to self

i feel as tall as an elf

all in my bid to reach out for help.

its a sad world

but its a sadder phase of life for me

i want out

lol we got ourselves a political rant lol

@kill

sentiments and passions bring forth rants

a cold being has noting to rant about

afterall, all they do is just exist

dont you think??

and dark vader appears

skywalker tiptoes right behind him

the twin of gloom or is it doom

seem back to their peril

the newbie seems to have that much energy

for just like seline woke hector in underworld

she has awoken the beasts in here

i for one. . . .have being moving aimlessly

beclouded by passions and sentiments

such a bitch. . . . .thats what they do

one,well

i am more than happy that the usual suspects are back

kay, lets arrange for the demise of your landlord or the tank , me thinks the landlord would be easier

blu:daddy is always right

kill:what can i say? sentiments rule the world, no one walks the earth cold less you are a vampire
passion helps

vesc: quit calling my phone and speaking in a sexy voice, told ya once told ya a million times i aint gay

call me and talk like a man lol

Ejadamen: am feeling ya, are you part of MASSOB?

bravo bravo Ejadamen

neat write. . . .please welcome to the rants page

most of us are on sabbatical but i can assure you

peeps would roll in soon

do let your rage flow


who knows it may be the one motivating factor

we need

i am in a limbo

rearing to go yet lacking in energy

pissed at the world , yet don't know reason why

getting some punches in on a not too nice life

but not nearly enough yet

bottom line,i need a fix

think i understand why peeps do drugs

maybe just maybe albeit briefly it would give another

view to what i term the 'bland phase of life' am passing through

i need a fix, be it devil's dust

white man's high

the green leaf

the flaming blue

or the needle

need to get on a high

need to be forced out of this phase

hell. . i would even chew the lotus

if its guaranteed to help and not get me stuck in here

i hate bland

i hate this phrase

and if you aren't careful

i may hate you too

@amsly

welcome aboard


doyin :what can i say?

silence begets the room yet again

where is everyone

ok this is my rant or should i label it lamentations?



This may sound naïve if it does pardon me

But religon says we should pray for our leaders right?
And we have being praying for over a decade right?
Our leaders have being steppin up in leaps and bounds right?
And because of the human nature
Our leaders look for more ways to increase their control,power and wealth right?

Well now my point is this,maybe we as a country should stop praying and start cursing,if prayers work for them I bet my hide curses would work too right?
If their children start droppin like flies or undiagonisable ailments start worrying them,I bet they won't have time for all this scheming right?

So why don't we all start cursing?
Say have a national curse day

This is my manner of reasoning

where is everyone?

@kay ,you are a punk,punk. . . . .hehehehhe

Jczar:u a scammer for real? Na dont mind me just yakkin. . .the seeker is a familiar handle though,got banned i reckon?


@post,i wld have loved to rant about my phone,this would just pale in comparison to kay's and i dont want to have to ban him,



Niways

So i bought a blackberry
They don yab me die
May i have your pin?
I dont do blackberry,my reply
A look akin to,are you on this planet with a tight smile i get in return

So i got me a blackberry
Decided to activate on the 1st,you startin d new year bullshit
My plan has me payin 12k from my credit
Worked beautifully,downloaded bookmarks,for virtually everything,within d 1st hour alerts from different accounts on recent activities. . .cool i thought

Up on till my my phone rang. . .

Yeah,hello
Silence

Hello,anyone there?
More silence

Hello?
Hey are you in a noisy place,i cant hear ya


Disconnect call and dialed caller

Hello?
I cant hear ya,its noisy

Disconnect line and call my other line

On picking up
My ear was assaulted by the greatest static of all times. . . Gah

I blackberry phone that can do everything less recieve or make calls. just my luck,returned it and its yet to be fixed or replaced

Ama go mutallab on people's asses pretty soon and am not gonna stop at just roasting my balls,ama take evryone down with me

So if you are in lagos,stay clear of all phone shops till you get the all clear sign from me here, or till ya hear of an explosion

Me reckon some of those mofos. . .would be nice enuff to share virgins with me,come on,they would need lotsa help,the regular man cant satisfy one talkless of 70 women. . . And i know no one is gonna gimmie 70,for am dying cos of my blackberry

tubabie last warning if you have to comment,rant first,moreso you are flirting with demotion ooo t

now that is a rant

if i have ever read one

i know someone

that would emphatise with you over your phone

the person is worse than you

lets see

destroyed a tmobile phone, N72, a black berry tour, sony ericssion W800, and someother nameless phones within a 6month period

yep and she claims the handsets are the devil's kids . . . . . .

netotse: if you continue this way

your promotion may come rapidly

in the normal world am not sure thats a good thing

but hey who gives ah @%#$#%#%



bet your fb was hacked into by a gal

who prolly fancies you

and wants to confirm you aint playing nookie

i knew fb was wahala, when a colleague got

a call from a customer, decided she was rude and wanted to find out how she looked

next thing put her name on fb, whala. . . . . . . face popped up


find the girl and choke her with her g-string

that should be fun, make her gag on those contraption called bras



as for your small boss

just kill the brat!

nah that wont be near dramatic enough

its a good thing you have ranted today

new rule , no rant to questions hehehehehehe


this year's reign would be worse than nero's entire madness

you seem to want castrating

you to be my reason for

staying alive

i can oblige you

ok. . . .

why cant i just go shoot someone cos for whatever reason

my life is miserable with em,

consciously or unconsciously they affect me

i need me supernatural powers

enough to transfer, the misery i am feeling over to em

even when i wanna hate(which is easier than indifference) i cant muster it up

i hate me. . . . .gah

just left with one solution

albeit a dramatic one

taking the blaze out of the equation

killing the blazeman

but for the life of me , the method to use defies me

a bullet to the head might hurt

what if i dont hit the vitals

and have to suffer through intense pain before dying

poison would cause pain

cant have pain before death

standing on the express road

people would think am mad

cant have people calling me mad

just before my demise

overspeeding and hoping something happens

well, did 260 on thatcher a while back

and noting happened
moreso this is my decision and not thatcher's


thought there was a song six million ways to die?

okay isnt there any of these ways that is relatively painless?

sisi: rant or be ranted at, btw running from rules into this place is actually true the essence of making you rant everyday is because you are needed to

stay angry enough to rant, so that should come easy, if it doesnt, just think of me, how much i have made your life a misery, that should help right?

vesc: roll your behind here and rant young man

kay9:am waiting

bluspice: no more one liners from you

netotse: kill them pricks

ravenzord: well, lets kill em too

sisi, yeah rant about it

sino

avatar (which i hear is the movie the highest selling movie in the shortest days, 1 billion in 17days)

my fav for last year, gerald bulter's law abiding citizen


meanwhile where tha @$#%#%#% is your rant?

ok, i am going to be the prick that i usually am now

the aim of my prickness this time is to ensure we dont laspe into

those looong periods of word drought we get into


so here is the order passed out from the eveel within me

all board members of the book of rants(you know yasef)

must rant about atleast one thing in a day,the more rants in a day the better

by the end of the year we should be large enuff to give an award to the maddest ranter on this thread

if you dont rant, i wld ,i wld , hmmmmmm. . . . . . . . . . . . haunt you, find you. . .and consequently practice removing

you skin starting from your nails with a nail cutter. . . i aint joking

regular members:

upgrade punks, upgrade! if not you in trails would always be used to wipe the section here

pick on new members ,tear em apart earn your stripes


prospective members


impress us, show us what you got. . . . . . . . and be ready to be a hired gun for any of the board members

that would be your test of bloodthirstiness










we dont have a constitution , but consider this one. . . . before the end of this year

book of rants should have its own, admin rights

intellectuals arent always pushovers. . . .we need to get grimy dirty and eveel. .

morning everyone,

i am nursing a headache now

and i wish i could say it is due to a hang over

but no. . .just tired, no sleep work all through the holidays

then , thinking ,thinking,thinking. . . .what the bleep i think about beats me

thinking is a disease which is affecting men and women of a certain age range

and i think WHO should be alerted to the havoc this can cause

and in case you dont know, a whole generation can go extinct from over thinking

i need to think about that. . . . . . . . . . . hmm


anyways its a new year

am glad we all made it

friends and foes alike

for if we are without foes

who would we practice our word bending skills on?

to the one's with heartbreaks last year

hope this year brings a firm re-affirmation

that love sucks and life is a naughty woman(i used the dirty word darn it)

tears can be shed in respect of what could have being.

afterwards like molten metal turning into steel

harden and fortify yourself for future onslaughts

for love is a virus and once caught it never really goes

it can be managed though. . . . . .i mean all kinds of love

lost love, almost love, bitter love unattainable love etc

i am getting riled up just thinking this

see. . . . . . . i have started thinking this thought again



so its 2010

a new year, another dawn , basically just 3 days from last year

bluspice won one award. . . .congratulations, naughty sis(yes i have adopted her without her twine )

people. . . let us rant this year

i mean let us rant like we have never ranted before

we need each other to maintain a steady flow of rantz

i need you like you me. .

if a mosquito bites ya

rant about it

if a mosquito bites your dog

rant about it

if you watched a movie that sucked

rant about it

if you had a bad dream

rant about it

if you system is hanging

rant about



you get the drift , just rant, rant like your life depends on it.

sooooo peeps happy rant year