₦airaland Forum

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

like to go to heaven ?


A teacher asks the students who like to go to heaven to raise thir hands.

All except one child raise their hands

The teacher asks the child why she did not raise her hand.

The child said "my mother has told me to go straight home after class and not to go anywhere else

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize.


Q: What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a Chairman.



It helps If you are changing the job


A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, is some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants:

Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say : I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you'll stay
here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees,
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.

For all those of u aiming for job switches,

How do you handle change?
Real answer: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(censored)

What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry face out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.

Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry, I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry
with co-workers.

Can I contact your references?
Real answer: Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say : Some of them are out of the country right now. Maybe
I can arrange to have them contact you.
--
********************************
Warm Regards



DO U HV ANY?

SOME DEFINITIONS


School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest, except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after?

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

i want to use this opputunity to thank you all for your patronage.


we are still hoping to hear from you.

Thanks once again.

what?

no be small thing ooo

do ur PGD ad forget going to any uni.


u already have the skills that even Bcs holder dont hv.

is like there is not present and past student union government memeber here on nairaland?

No country can claim to totally eradicate corruption. However, one can put in place measures to put the phenomenon under control.

Fighting corruption needs a comprehensive strategy to involve civil society organizations to reach the goal of eradication.



Political Competition
Effective sanctions on politicians can be enhanced most effectively through a meaningful degree of political competition in the electoral process. Such competition increases the likelihood that alternative candidates and parties will seek to expose
corruption in government or hold politicians accountable for the poor performance associated with high levels of corruption. Historically, anticorruption and accountability measures were a by-product of these political struggles. In England, the parliament debated anti-bribery bills and measures as early as in the 1620s. While using these in several impeachments of royal protégés brought to light cases of misconduct, they really were more a result of power struggles between the Crown and Parliament.
While perceived corruption of a particular party or candidate has shown to influence voters’ decisions considerably and therefore exposure of cases of political corruption is an effective deterrent to corrupt behavior, there are limits to the benefits of political competition. Excessive political competition can become a destabilizing factor if it leads to fragmentation of the political system or if it undermines the legitimacy of existing state institutions. Excessive political competition can undermine state capacity and thus create conditions especially conducive to administrative corruption but also state capture.
Political competition is most effective in promoting accountability when it is channeled through organizations that provide broad constituencies with vehicles – such as mass-based political parties and interest groups – to express their collective demands to political leaders. Political parties that lack broad-based support are more likely to be dependent on powerful firms and financial interests for sources of financing and on electoral tactics such as vote-rigging, intimidation, and acquiring a monopoly over election coverage by the media. It is thus imperative that political parties be held to high standards of accountability.
Political Party Financing: Experience and Mechanisms
Experience worldwide shows the immense difficulties of installing an effective system of party funding that will not be open to abuse. Many countries have experienced malpractice in public procurement that provided kickbacks for party funding, as well as a plethora of other improper channels involving state-owned enterprises, privatization, and the leverage afforded by appointments and control rights at all levels of government. However, international experience also shows that regulation of party funding can be effective if well-designed, backed by effective sanctions, and accompanied by a parallel diffusion of appropriate ethics and norms. Ultimately it is committed politicians and citizens who have asserted the principles that should govern party financing and have driven through new laws and regulations. These rules need oversight, enforcement, and monitoring. This requires reliable judges or electoral authorities and an active investigative press. In some cases, the shame—and electoral consequences—of political exposure have proved effective. There is no single prescription for success, as party financing rules have to operate in an environment of institutions and degrees of rule-respect that varies across countries, but many countries have found a selection of the following mechanisms to be helpful.
• Leave a paper trail. Ensure that all donations and other sources of party revenue are made public, that donors and the amounts of their donations are identified in the public record, and that candidates disclose links to lobbyists, as well as sources, types, and amounts of support, both before and after elections. Expenditures and their purposes should be similarly published and available for audit.
• Ban the use of state resources for political purposes. Parties in government should not use state funds, postal services, cars, computers, or other assets for political purposes or in election campaigns.
• Limit expenditures. Make party politics as inexpensive as possible. Usually the demand exceeds the supply of funds, leading to a search for funding that may breach legitimate frontiers. There is a lot to be said for reversing this relationship by mechanisms used in a large number of Western European and other countries: (i) allocating free time slots on TV and radio to qualifying political parties, with no additional time allocation permitted; and (ii) imposing legal limits on spending, with actual expenditures subject to audit and to effective sanctions in the case of breaches of the limits.
• Consider public funding. Many countries have established partial public funding, recognizing that political parties play a public interest role: they make an essential contribution to political contestability and the decentralized expression of diverse values and interests. Public funding reduces the scope for private interests to “buy influence” and can also help reinforce limits on spending, because of the electorate’s resistance to excessive public expenditure.


• Build public service neutrality.Ensure that the public service is politically neutral and that public servants are neither allowed nor required to make contributions to political parties as a way of obtaining public sector employment. This will contribute to a meritocratic public service that will resist party bias and will encourage decisionmaking in the public interest.


• Limit types of donors. Some countries have outlawed donations from both public and private sector companies, such as France since 1995, or foreign donations.
Ensure oversight.Set up an authoritative and independent Electoral Commission or Court to be responsible for the integrity of all issues regarding party finance and electoral rules. Such commissions have been set up in Canada, India, Ireland, and South Africa.
Transparency
Transparency via public scrutiny has proven to be one of the most powerful forms of monitoring public officials. Such transparency can be fostered by a number of measures, including: opening sessions of the parliament, government, and the courts to the public; registering lobbying activities; and publishing the voting records of parliamentarians, annual reports of government bodies, trial records, and the decisions of judges.
A free and vibrant media is another important factor in making transparency work for the general public.
Rules and Legal Instruments
There is a range of legal instruments as well as agency-specific rules which can be effective in deterring corrupt behavior. Ethics codes, regulations on lobbying, disciplinary committees, prohibitions on and disclosure of conflict of interest, including the receipt of gifts and other benefits received form private resources, asset declaration laws, procurement laws and party financing laws are amongst the most prominent ones.
Freedom of information laws, whereby citizens can demand the disclosure of information regarding government activities and a whistle-blower protection law in order to encourage the reporting of corruption cases can further reinforce the impact of increased transparency on accountability.




i need your opinion

There is only one God.

and God says: No me befor u serve me, because if u dont no me, how can u serve me? (hadeth Qudusi)

Anyone associating anything With Allah those not no him and there is no how he can serve him.

and anyone who do not serve God is not going to heaven.

tanx 4 d update.

cheers

tanx

the lizard way fall from the fence look around, when he see no body to praise him for his strenght after falling.

him self nod his haed and silently said inside him, if no body see me and praise me, i see myself and i praise myself.

if u no praise me, i go praise myself.

lol

No, it is not good.

weather bathroom or toilet, they are classified as baitil guthz, unpure place.

as for zikr.

yes u can do zikr any where. even when u are having sexual intercourse with ur wife.

but talking in the bathroom or toilet is not.

cheers.

lol

the country has already taken care of us by providing us with alot of natural resources. the almighty also blesed us with abundant talent.

but it is u and i who deprived ourself the oopurtnity to benefit from the natural resources, by not standing up for our rights.

we now sit back and watch the so called leaders to enjoy all the good things.


When u say there is no any good thing to say baout NigERia, that means including u who said it, because u are a nigerian.

we have alot of good things but need to use intellect to get it.

stand up and fight for ur right not by fighting with power, but with intellect.

Get Involved.

Nigerian Developmemnt Movement.

www.ndm..com

our new site is

www.mynigerianproject.org

if i must confess, then i have to say u hv done a great job.

this is what we want.

may i can help u advertise ur product.

i will direct people to ur web.

cheers

Are u an ex student union member? or prsent

if yes, identify urself and state ur post and ur contribution to the union and also student entirely.

lets dialougue.



how can the student union improve

no b lie

U RE NOT CHEAP BUT U HAVE TO TREAT GIRLS THEY WAY THEY ARE.

U HV TO MAKE THEM NO U.

BEING TOO CARING DOES NOT SHOW WHOM U RE, DEFINATELY MYSELF, U AND THE LADIES NO. BEING TOO CARING FOR A GIRL IS A ACT. SO THEY DONT ENJOY IT NO MORE.

U HV TO BE ORIGINAL AND STOP SPENDING LAVISHLY.


BE DIPLOMATIC MY GUY

its been long.

cant even remember.

i hv been jumping from one soap to other really because i see no change.

i used a recommended soap for abt 6months but no changes and ever since i have been changing from one soap to the other.

about cream, i dont even used cream. so no changing at all.

thanks

still waiting to hear from u

WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day, she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman, who said, "I never knew what re

al happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

What is a 710?


A few days ago I was at the automobile spares shop. A lady came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one, ' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The salesman gave her a scibling pad and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew something like a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there'


If you're not sure what a 710 is please draw a circle and write 710 in it. Then hold it upside down.

na for one restuarant way them employ one village guy as waiter.

they have tought him many things but as a village guy now, him still lack some things. na him one man go the restaurant. the waiter came to his desk and said

Waiter: Would you like to take a coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

the waiter now smiled. the customer said give me a coffee.

One of my guy that just open a new office in utako, said, man came to his office as a job applicant. but he my friend is just starting the job and he does not require much help.

look at what my freind as the director said.


Director: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


lol

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

No be small thing ooooooooooooo

I go visit one Big man For my area.

The next day now happen to be the son's birth day.

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.


i wonder may him papa they do sport car

At the Restaurant

CUSTOMER; whats this, waiter come plz, take this chicken away I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


CUSTOMER: Do You want to drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?


i need the answer from u guys.