₦airaland Forum

lism:
Hi,everyone this ur week.I visited their office in PH.
I was told payment will be made this week.
I was told in confidentiality.

LancelLogan:
I have chronic OCD coupled with other mental issues like ADHD, chronic depression, extreme anxiety, bipolar, Low self-esteem, Perfectionism(OCPD similar to OCD) and the Fantasy Disorder (i waste hours fantasizing about a character rich fantasy world i have created in my head for almost a decade now) and (i don't know) i think i'm autistic... It kills me inside... I have contemplated suicide but i'm afraid it will be too painful or unsuccessful (since firearms are not sold in this country)...

My mental issues started when i was around 5 years (or maybe since child birth)... My depression heightened during my secondary education at a military secondary school (Nigerian Navy Port Harcourt).

I stay in Port Harcourt and school in the University of Port Harcourt (Uniport)... I'm repeating my final year because my mental issues did not allow me focus on my project and two difficult Maths courses.. i find it hard to focus (ADHD) and study... If i am not battling with that ever present inner OCD voice, I'm fantasizing about another world inside my head...

Everybody thinks i'm rude because i am never smiling and i don't know how to talk to or reply people (I'm always anxious even when i'm familiar with the person trying to talk to me)... no matter how i try i will always say something awkward or I wouldn't be able to say anything at all (my heart will always seem to be racing and my speech stuttering)... So i just detach myself from people generally to save myself from embarrassment...

What my OCD and OCPD has obsessed and compelled me to do over the years is just so much i can't write all about it here... It's more than the regular "wash your hand before and after you touch anything if not you will be infected or fall sick" or "if you press the wrong letter while typing a document, you must clear the whole page and start again if not the document file will be corrupted"]... If ever i try to resist the OCD voice, I'll feel so uncomfortable, anxious, disturbed and drowsy... i won't be able to concentrate on anything at all...

Also, it has made me abusive to my younger brother... If he does something I(or the OCD rather) don't(doesn't) like ... Example, if he doesn't wash his hand before touching things in our room or doesn't follow a couple of sequence i normally carry out while cleaning our room... i get so angry, i yell or sometimes(rarely though) physically abuse him... Any little thing he does irritates me even if he is just playing music, making a call or even laughing at a joke he read on his phone... This makes me hate myself but i can't stop this behavior...

Side note:[I have nothing against Christians or religious people... Please, don't be offended] I recently stop believing in religion (Christianity in my case)... I see it as a mechanism implemented to make people behave and make people be motivated to live and enjoy life... I also don't identify as an atheist because most atheist these days are just religious about their non-believe... They will undoubtedly support theories like The Big Bang Theory and yet criticizes Christians for believing in the Creation Story... I don't believe both of the aforementioned theories(stories)... I can say I'm agnostic because i do not know about the origin of existence.. Although, when i was still an ardent Christian, my OCD voice will compel me to give large portions of my personal savings to "God" so that i'll receive a specific blessing or answer to a prayer request... lol...

I have not talked to anyone about my issues because i know they will not understand... during my secondary school days, i told my parents i was contemplating suicide... they beat me up and took me to church for deliverance... lol... so there is no point talking about it to my family...


I will appreciate talking to someone who understands... Please reply or email me...

Thanks...