₦airaland Forum

Back in JSS 3, during night prep an acclaimed strong boy in my class was dozing deeply. I folded papers like a cigar, stuck it in between his lips and lit it. The guy choked after he inhaled the smoke. At the end of a terrible bout of coughing, he descended on me with his bare fists, I escaped before he could do great damage. I had to send emissaries to beg him on my behalf before I could come back into the class.

In my SS1 class there was this "old boy" who was a bully and about 5 years older than the rest of us in the class. I went to class earlier than everyone else and drew a caricature of him as an old man with a walking stick on the blackboard and labelled it "Guess Who?" This got the whole class cracking up and pointing fingers at the old boy. The guy got infuriated and accused another cartoonist in the class, he ended up fighting the other cartoonist and causing a lot of noise. A prefect finally came to the scene and punished all three of us - the old boy, the innocent cartoonist and me.

We once caught a big bat in the hostel and roasted the ugly animal and shared with anyone who cared to partake.

I was chewing palm fruit during literature class, the teacher asked me a question when I had gone halfway with the fruit. I made the near fatal mistake of attempting to swallow the fibre along with the palm nut, I choked from the effort and my eyes nearly bulged out its sockets.

During Night prep, we used to chain the belts of heavy sleepers to their desks and then proceed to make very loud noises and create a sort of stampede effect, the heavy sleeper will wake up with a start and his first reaction is usually to run away. Your guess is as good as mine - the chained locker will fall on him and prevent him from making any progress.

We used to write  crazy captions like "I am a toad", "I am a big fool", "call me asshole" etc and paste them with cellotape on an unsuspecting guy's back. Some guys used to carry the caption for hours.

My boarding school was simply the bomb!

I love the last two FCMB adverts. The first one that had Fada Abasi's song - Abasi Ayaya at the background and the second one that had a really funky song. The concepts were absolutely fantastic. The banks advertising agents are really doing a great job.

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clemcykul, you stood me up!!!!!!!!!.
i have been going to the gate everyday at 5pm to wait for you.
better bring more than 1 apple to appease me. ;

That was nice girl!
You got me cracking up.
Poor Sipho, very very naive guy. He must have grown up as a recluse.

exhale

the Udeme and Guinness advert is really lame, Fayrouz advert with the idea of dark blondes makes me wanna puke, lastly O! noodles can certainly be better

duh!!!!

cocaine

Thanks clemcykul, I will certainly give you more than just ribs. Meet me at the gate of the Garden of Eden at 5pm this night. let us re-enact Adam and Eve

powerful

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in
the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had
it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise,
the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he
ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give
it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN
HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much
for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the
plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN
ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? the man responded "Militants have kidnapped, OBJ, IBB, Atiku, Buhari, Tony Anenih, Ahmadu Ali, Dariye, Nnamani, Odili, Ibrahim Mantu, Tinubu, Kalu, Ibori and Igbinedion. They're asking for a $500 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. So, we're going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone contributing, on the average?" the man responded "About a litre of petrol and a stick of matches."

thanks Aiphie, i am ignoring the 2 killjoys

abortion

nice one!!

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.
 
She: Darling!

After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top.

jajaylux, what is your problem? did you wake up onthe wrong side? or was ur salary for the month withheld?
loosen up bro!

sacrifice

There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos. A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before. The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus? The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you. On hearing this, he told the thief to give him 5 minutes and he went to the toilet. When he came back from the toilet, he asked the thief to inject him with the HIV virus. The thief injected him with the HIV virus and left immediately. Immediately the thief left, the wife became hysterical The Wife: What the hell did you just do? The Man: Don't mind the stupid thief, he doesn't know that I put on a condom the other time I went to the toilet.



Assertive Naija Woman: At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker, from England, stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker, from America, stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker, from Nigeria, stood up: "After last year conference I go house and tell my husband that I no go do im cooking, cleaning or go market for am again, and dat he go dey do am imsef. After the first day i no see anytin. the second day sef, I see notin. But after the third day, as the swelling begin go down, I start to see small small from my left eye.



It is 6:00 AM, Wake Up!!" A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 6:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Abuja. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 6:00 AM. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, "It is 6:00 AM. Wake Up."



Matthew 7, Verse 7: Chinedu closed for work on Friday July 7th, this year and decided to give any lady that came his way a lift. After the 2nd turn from his office along Ikorodu expressway, he saw a Catholic Sister and gave her a lift. While they were going; he did not know how to start a conversation with her, therefore, he placed his hand on her laps pretending as if it was the gear stick. The Sister softly said "Matthew 7:7"; He quickly removed his hand, and resumed concentrating on his driving. He attempted it a second and third time, and each time, she repeated, "Matthew 7:7". When the Sister got to her destination, she opened the door and said to the man, "Young man, The problem with you is that you don't read your Bible" When the man got home,he opened his Bible to Matthew 7:7; which reads "Ask and it shall be given". He was really sorry for himself.



Ugly Child One day, a Nigerian woman got on a bus with her new baby. On entering, the driver exclaimed that the baby she was holding was the ugliest creature he'd ever seen in his life. The woman felt bad and insulted but ignored the driver's comment and went right to the back seat on the bus. After settling down, the woman told her seat mate about the driver's comment. The woman got angry in sympathy and said, "Go back up front and tell him off! I will hold your monkey for you!"



A british, an american and a nigerian minister meet up in hell. After spending some time the british minister starts missing england so he requests the devil to allow him to make a 5 minute call to england the devil gives the permission and the british calls england and speaks to his family for 5 mins after finishing the call he goes bck to the devil to pay for the call.devil asks for £5 million and the britisher writes a chq for that amt. Seeing this the american wants to do the same and he is allowed to make a call to america. he speaks for 10 mins, and goes bck to the devil to pay for the call. devil says its £10million , and the american writes a chq to the devil. Getting over zealous at this the nigerian approaches the devil with the same request to make a call, he says to the devil, i m missing my colleagues and deputies , my family ,, my car, my house , and demands to make a call, the devil allows him to make a call, aswell, reluctantly, the nigerian then spks for 20 hours to everyone he desires in nigeria, and is very happy, Finishing the call he goes back to the devil to pay for the call, Devil says its only £1, amused at this charge, nigerian queries how come its so less, the devil replies, from hell to hell its a local call, so its only £1.



Joe Millionaire: I have something to tell you. I'm not really a millionaire. woman( surprised and removes her wig): oh really? well ive got something to tell you. im not really a woman!!!!!

A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world, Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 paces behind their husbands. She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the woman.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a football." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a football gloves." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and play football. "The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is a lot more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"



A young girl and a less young lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The girl, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the girl's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The girl doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the girl and hands her $500. The girl says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the girl and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the girl reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep."

There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos. A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before. The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus? The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you. On hearing this, he told the thief to give him 5 minutes and he went to the toilet. When he came back from the toilet, he asked the thief to inject him with the HIV virus. The thief injected him with the HIV virus and left immediately. Immediately the thief left, the wife became hysterical The Wife: What the hell did you just do? The Man: Don't mind the stupid thief, he doesn't know that I put on a condom the other time I went to the toilet.



Assertive Naija Woman: At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker, from England, stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker, from America, stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker, from Nigeria, stood up: "After last year conference I go house and tell my husband that I no go do im cooking, cleaning or go market for am again, and dat he go dey do am imsef. After the first day i no see anytin. the second day sef, I see notin. But after the third day, as the swelling begin go down, I start to see small small from my left eye.



It is 6:00 AM, Wake Up!!" A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 6:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Abuja. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 6:00 AM. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, "It is 6:00 AM. Wake Up."

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me,

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning
kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What
do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : ", And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun
or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need
it but the sun gives us light only in the day time
when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that! when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father
that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering
doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you
have. Yours is the ten! th case I've treated. The others
all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped
down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing
it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is
hand."

pally SCRAM!!!!! the babe has destructive tendencies. what are u still doing in that kind of relationship.

next time, be bold about what you want. even if u are rebuffed (which is mostly the case) coax her in a gentlemanly manner. don't force her and don't beg her. nothing sucks like a guy with a hard on pleading for sexual favour. u need to understand that women by their very nature are created to be wooed. very few girls will say yes to an approach like yours if you have not had sex with them before.