chaircover:

These are my own 2 cents on the matter. In a nutshell, this woman has some issues with her husband she came on here to report back that some things have changed for the better.

Most of us here are married and we all know that when there is a disagreement, sometimes you concede and sometimes your partner concedes. Sometimes one person apologizes first and the other follows, sometimes one party doesn't see what they have done wrong and try to justify their actions and so on but long term these things balance up.

In the midst of the storm, this woman has made the decision to reach out to her husband and he in return has explained what the problem was and has conceded on a few issues.

It is not going to be magic and no doubt they both have a lot of hard work to do ahead if they are going to come out of this at the other side but right now, I think that we should respect her descion and give her all the help, support and encouragement that we can.

Even if we have a few niggly doubts, she married the man, she lives with the man & she knows him a lot better than we do (if any of us walked past the man on the street we wouldn't even recognize him) and based on her own reasons she has chosen to take the first step to resolve issues; that is her descison. There is still plenty of time to go over the "why's" but I think right now the focus should be on "how"

In this situation IMO the next step would be to give this woman clear & simple guidelines on how to keep things moving.

+1; Alot of people tend to forget the power of diplomacy in relationships. You do not always have to fight fire with fire to get desired results. The relationship is the only thing that suffers when both parties always want to prove they are right. Most women who have happy marriages today have perfected the act of leading from behind. It's funny how people are willing to play the diplomacy card very patiently in their workplace despite the fact that their colleague or boss is very nasty to them. They hang on for one reason or the other but when it gets to their home, they throw it out of the window and are ready to fight at any provocation. This is where I tend to question people's fundamental premise in marriages. I do not believe in 50/50 in marriages. I believe in people leveraging their strengths. If you are a lady who feels your husband is weak in an area, try to work on that area, albeit subtly, rather than complaining and focusing on the weaknesses. Same goes for the men. Nobody is perfect and when couples start growing apart, they begin to make very irrational  decisions.

While you may have an agenda, I do not. I'm not here to convince you, just to state some basic truths.

Your statement that"PDP is Nigeria's biggest problem" makes me chuckle. It's a fallacy and people like you probably think that the more you repeatedly say it, the more it becomes true. Nigeria's biggest problem is Nigerians, Fact. PDP, just like any other party are made up of Nigerians, not aliens. The Buhari that you are singing hosanna for, what exactly has he contributed to Nigeria since he left power? Every rational person knows that you do not have to be in power to contribute to society. So can someone show my some laudable contributions of Messiah Buhari since 1985 (25 years ago)? Surely, he must be doing something right other than running for election every other election cycle with a different running mate. The funny thing is, this democracy we all want, only PDP aired their "democratic" primary and counted their votes till dawn. All other parties seem to have appointed their candidates rather than vote them in; that's not true democracy. Who is fooling who? Again, I'm not saying PDP is a better party but do not bash PDP to make other cronies look legit. All of them, including PDP are run by Nigerians who seem to have an interest in just looting the country. Is it suprising? No. Take a look at our universities for instance. Election rigging, looting, ra.p.ing, cultism, go on there none stop. What about our banks? Those are not run by "PDP" or are they? No government office is run like an institution. Instead Nigerians run them like their private business; they show up late for work, watch home videos at work, sleep at work, etc. Nigeria is not the poorest country in the world, neither is it the only country that has been ruled by corrupt leaders; however, we are the only ones who kidnap our friends, neighbours and relatives to demand money out of greed. It's this same "DNA" that is exhibited on top and it's going to take a collective effort to change Nigeria. Again, do not be fooled by the "kill and divide" tactics. If one cannot be straight at a lower level, is it when you climb the ladder to the top, where there is even more pressure, that you'd be straight? Get real folks.

You really think that GEJ would not want to waive a magic wand to make Nigeria a better place? You really think that GEJ prays for wars everyday in Jos? Again, just like GEJ is finding out, you have to appeal to all stakeholders in Nigeria when you get up there, otherwise, your legitimate power/mandate is useless. Buhari (and every other candidate) knows that. Even in the great USA, Obama seem to now understand the power of "special interests" - the real people behind America's economy. You just do not become a president and start signing laws because it was on your manifesto. The Senators and House of Reps have to vote. Each Senator represents some special interests. How many senators do we have? Look at our Senate; how many of them even show up for sessions? You also have to realise that the position of the VP in Nigeria is overrated. It is used as a balancing act. Wasnt Atiku, Obj's VP? They hardly met eye to eye. You think Sambo was GEJ's pick? In the scheme of thinks, Bakare (or any other VP) will also be as irrelevant as Atiku the moment he deviates from Buhari's message. What is Buhari's message? To make everything in Nigeria good  . How are these ideas going to be implemented and who is going to fund some of these ideas? You really think our oil earnings (even if nobody thief) is enough to get everything in his manifesto accomplished? Even if they starved most States of funds, it aint gonna happen.

malali:

-if the problem of the day is looters, you have to address that first before promising to provide electricity,if you dont get rid of the looters,you cannot achieve anything else, PDP is nigeria's biggest problem as of today,even bigger than NEPA,how can you provide electricty amidst corruption,everybody wants something from every contract,bode george 100billion what did he get "a presidential party" tony anenih 300million dollars "presidential hitlist"

-is sambo God? why cant he come to the debate, this is the same man you want to hold acocuntable in the future,a man who hasnt won the election yet but doesnt want to answer to the people,

-we dont have the understanding,if GEJ/nnamdi are not planning to rig why do they have the impunity and audacity to decline debates,

-
Quite frankly, there's no party (or candidate) I can recommend. What I know for sure is that if this current govt is voted out, the new govt (no matter how genuine their intentions are) will not be effective enough to do anything till around their third year in office and then they'd have to restart their campaign for a second term. Can Nigerians sustain another three years of inactivity? Dunno but do not blame a new government for being ineffective in its early years. GEJ and his people have not been able to do anything substantial and he has been in power for less than a year. This is the Nigerian way of doing things; you get into power, clear house and you have to pay hommage to the several pockets of power houses in the country (there's nothing you can do about it). Like I usually say, with the way our failed system is set up, even Moses will have big problems leading Nigerians to the promised land (wherever that is).

-Buhari was only there for year too, in case you werent born by then,GEJ will pay hommage for the rest of his tenure obviously,you think his hommage to otta will ever end?? wake up and smell the coffee,this pdp needs to go,lets start with buhari for a new nigeria,if buhari fails we will still have options,

-

proudly9ja:

Maybe if PDP had shown up, they would have defended themselves? Or is it that even PDP is having a hard time presenting a case for themselves?

Dazangel has a point. These folks are pulling a blinder and some of you folks are applauding.SMH. None of these candidates have been able to articulate a plan to move Nigeria forward. Every one of them have either used the opportunity to criticise PDP or to promise to get milk and honey flowing for free. Any Tom in Timbuktu can do just that - blab empty promises to get into office. The main question is "how". But guess what? Alot of Nigerians (as exhibited on this forum) are applauding a group of individuals because they criticised a PDP led govt and promised to give Nigerians a better life. This is what any reasonable politician would do; lies, promises, etc. For instance, everyone of them will tell you "we will solve the electricity crisis and provide jobs for people". Ask them how they intend to do it  and how long it would take their plan to mature and watch them fibble (and lie even more). The fact is that these parties have very little (or no) difference in ideologies. PDP has been wise to back out of these "debates" because it would probably be a debate of attacks rather than a debate of who's plan is better. I'm not saying PDP is a better party or have better candidates but from a standpoint of being in the pole position, they do not have to stoop to exchange words. Most of you (and even candidates like Bakare) throwing tantrums at Sambo for not showing up will be less inclined to do so if you had such an advantage. This is politics in Nigeria. I'm sure some of you watched the Lagos "debate". How many plans were carefully articulated there? Can anyone tell me any difference in idealogies between the parties? Everyone had the usual promises but no depth in implementation. Can you imagine a gubernatorial candidate saying he'd build houses without cement?   Most of the time, the other candidates verbally attacked Fashola. Fashola on the other hand, I thought was woeful, but with shallow candidates by his sides, he was a star. I'm glad the "debate" held to show Nigerians how shallow some of these politicians are; they are the same ones trying to pull a blinder for the Presidential elections.

Some of you yakking here lack basic understanding of how the Nigerian electorial process works. When PDP wins, most would say the election was rigged. However, with only a few weeks to a presidential election, if you do a simple research, you'd find out that PDP have done better overall "leg work" than any other party in the country. They have gone into so many rural areas to drum up votes; yes, people live in rural areas and are eligible to vote, not just Lagos and Abuja. Other parties think they can win the Nigerian election on the internet or on TV (I laugh in Hausa). A significant number of people in Nigeria do not even have electricity to watch TV or go online. If these parties cannot go to rural areas to even lie to them to get their votes, how are they going to cater for these folks when they get into office? People like Bakare are just making noise about not trusting Jega. The fact is, every party will try to rig the election in their favour (that's Nigeria for you); however, parties are only able to rig elections where they are strong; that's simple common sense. PDP will not be successful in rigging an election in Lagos just as ACN will not be successful in rigging the polls in Kaduna.

People should open their eyes and start asking these folks about their so-called mandates are and how they plan to accomplish them. I've gone through most campaign sites (where one would think the candidates would have a more detailed plan) and nothing suggests that they'd be any different from the current administration. Methinks that some of them are a disaster waiting to happen, if they ever get into office. As my Warri people would say, shine your eye well well and do not let anyone confuse you with grammer.

Quite frankly, there's no party (or candidate) I can recommend. What I know for sure is that if this current govt is voted out, the new govt (no matter how genuine their intentions are) will not be effective enough to do anything till around their third year in office and then they'd have to restart their campaign for a second term. Can Nigerians sustain another three years of inactivity? Dunno but do not blame a new government  for being ineffective in its early years. GEJ and his people have not been able to do anything  substantial and he has been in power for less than a year. This is the Nigerian way of doing things; you get into power, clear house and you have to pay hommage to the several pockets of power houses in the country (there's nothing you can do about it). Like I usually say, with the way our failed system is set up, even Moses will have big problems leading Nigerians to the promised land (wherever that is).

I'm happy for you. All the best and I hope you both will use this series of events to rekindle your love and grow together.

flak:

hi nairalanders thank u so much
@cc your suggestion turned out to be the magic wand. i eventually agreed but stated those conditions. he strangely agreed. As fate will have it, he has gotten a new job . When he told me about the new job, i just simply said ok and walked off. he asked why and i calmly replied, hope i am not a witch anymore and that was it.

He broke down,and to think that the main reason why he resisted badly about me getting a job of recent was because he felt i have not really forgiven him about the incident and he thot i would leave him once i am financially ok.

i am glad at least he is working again, and i have my freedom to get a job after promising not to leave him or see my job as a 'second husband' and vice versa. patience, communication and genuine forgiveness really works in marriage. i guess.

Thank you all i feel so much better now. regards cc,mutter,uju,dayo,genius,ify and all others, thank u.

bumdish:

Good day People,
I submitted my graduate application to University of Waterloo, York University and Carleton University since late November/ early December for 2011 Fall Admission. though I have received some acknowledgement, I am yet to be contacted with a decision.
For our experienced friends, when probably could I be expecting to hear from the school? Thanks alot.

If your application is complete, you should be getting decisions in within the next few weeks. I'm sure you already know that you can check your status online.

You may also want to send an email or call to check the status of your application.

Kobojunkie:

Stop telling yourselves stories already . . ,  Stop lying to yourselves.

Deregulation is not a QUICK fix to everything. Stop preaching it as if it is. Even if you deregulate this year, you are likely not going to see noticeable changes for 6 or more years.

Yes Deregulation was put on the table, and yes, it all sounds so good in theory, but the same Obasanjo lost billions on of our money working on this. Why now pretend it was all going so well when it was not.

Where did I say Deregulation was a quick fix? Did you read my earlier posts where I said 4 years was a really optimistic timeline?

Nobody knows if Obj's strategy was the best solution because Yaradua's administration halted the process and it was never implemented. Four years later, we are even worse off.  What we all know is that Obj had a plan which he began implementing before he left office. I'd leave the speculations to you.

The PHCN regional manager having issues with his girlfriend who lives close to you, has no correlation with GEJ. While I agree that we Nigerians make it difficult for ourselves while blaming others, there's obviously a fundamental issue with our energy crisis.

If PHCN is privatised today, no manager can hold a region because of a dispute with his spouse simply because the firm has every incentive to make money, since it is profit driven. On the other hand, the government has to help regulate the industry to ensure that end users are protected from exploitation. Simple ideology but very difficult concept to implement in Nigeria. Even within a small LGA in Nigeria, our selfish mentality does not allow us to see beyond our noses; but then, it's Jonathan's fault.

Stromae:

okay folks after coming back from work today I set about to fixing my gen with the mechanic. For some months NEPA ''blesses'' us each night from 11pm till 5am except when their in a bad mood (which, surprisingly happens alot).

For the last three days i think the regional director had a problem with his girlfriend i could tell cos of the quarter-current they bestowed on us, damaging all the electronics it could.

Finally, yesterday they flashed us full current light about 5pm for like 10 minutes, making us believe we'd have full current as our ''ration'' at night. Oho!, the way the PHCN workers must have laughed at us in their offices that day, because at night while on our knees with our hands outstretched we got another 5 minutes of light and that was it! Mosquitoes must have been pre- informed because they came in their droves.

I can't wait another four years in this before i get in my Nigerian home the comfort i get in Ghana's villages. Even if i ''must'' wait, i want a weekly official public update on the matter. For 50 years we have been in this particular pit and i want to get out while i'm still youthful.

honeric01:

Solution to power?

Let each state have the sole right to generate electricity and let them manage whatever they can generate.

Again, it's easy to just throw solutions from a keyboard. It's not as easy as saying let each state have sole right to generate electricity and let them manage whatever they generate.

Currently, you solution is similar to what is going on at the moment. Any state that has the money can go build power plants. Why are they not building? Because power plants cost money. They are long term investments. So, sensible state governors have tried to encourage investors in this regards. It's not a today-tomorrow venture. It takes time to correct the power crisis in Nigeria. If you have money, enter Nigeria and go build a power plant today. You'd triple your investment over the long run but you'd realise say power generation no be beans.

No doubt the technology is there but the logistics is not in place, just yet and with everybody thinking they have the right solution, it will even be more difficult to arrive at the solution.

So many people are ignorant about the real issues when it comes to Nigeria's power crisis. To plainly put it, any politician that tells you he can fix the crisis within a year is either lying or does not know what it takes to fix the issue. 4 Years is very very optimistic, quite frankly.

If Obj's regulation plans had worked, Nigerians would only be seeing the benefits now and Obj started the power reform in his second term, which is more that 4 years ago. Who stopped Obj's plan? Same Nigerians who said the deregulation process was not transparent; so they used the opportunity to probe and loot and found nothing wrong with the process. Back to square one. GEJ can only try but it's the same Nigerians that were fasting and praying the other day at PHCN simpply because the sector is about to be deregulated. What's the way forward? Capital Investments over several years. The Power sector has been starved of funds and investment for eons since the military has been ruling and it will not take a year or two to fix. It will be a process and could easily span 6-10 years. Take it from someone who works for a few Energy Firms in North America and has a genuine interest in the Nigerian energy crisis.

The other day, I read an article by a Nigerian who called himself an energy consultant that had a plan to get uninterrupted power within 6mths. Hogwash. Folks, it's not compulsory to comment on every article; if you must, try to seek the deeper truth. I'm no fan of any politician but GEJ ís closer to the truth than any other politician running. All will tell you they'd fix the power issue; ask them how and see how they fumble.

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If you have the conviction that she is the one, I'd advice you to get your family to fall in line. Again, it will be unfair (and a shame) to the lady to marry into a family that dislikes her. She'd see hell if she dares it, no matter how much you try to protect her. Despite your thinking that tribal factors are inconsequential here, I actually think otherwise. I believe in God but I do not need a pastor to see a vision for me. You are a grown man; you need to have a talk with your folks and tell them to bare it all out (perhaps think out different non-spiritual reasons why they do not like her and use reverse psychology to get them to speak) and then work thru the issues one by one with them. You need to make them realise that you value and respect their input and support and you want them to be a continued part of your life; hence, you are trying to seek their approval. However, you need to stand your ground and let them know that you'd be intimidated by their personal grudges. You also have to let them know how much the situation is affecting you; I think if your mum knows this, she may be a lil softer.

Maybe you should play on them and tell them that she is pregnant for you and see their reaction(s).

Dante.A:

@ SMOOTH
u are quite rite u knw, abt the adage of youthfulness and our elders, I'm from that school of thought as well. But I tell you 1 thing though, I would be the one to live with her not them; therefore I went ahead based on my findings. My mother, a great woman who has always been there for us growing up, even was our backbone us when our dad was misbehaving; her issue started by her wanting me to be with a different lady (my ex, now married), there-unto she moved to the spiritual aspects (abt me dying young if I marry my fiancée). I must say, I didn't handle the issue well in the beginning; I and my mother were always arguing and quarrelling over and over. That was years back, I soon realized I wasn't going abt it properly, I succumbed and have apologized to her severally, but I guess she still carries the grudge in her as she never ceases to remind.
Before now, my dad hadn't been agnst the union, he had even urged me on several occasions to do what I have to do and stop waiting for my mum to come around, if only I did then. My fiancée and dad have/had a good r/ship, they'd often talk on phone and my dad would tell me whenever we speak to take good care of her, he'd even go ahead to advice me on marriage issues, really nw wonder wre his “vision” was then.
Abt her (my fiancée), I really wish all was just in love, I love her so much; but though never been married myself, maturity and other life experiences had tot me not to marry only cos u love. Ever since I met her, I'd gradually transformed from a man who hates to commit to 1 who nw preaches commitment to his peers. I've had reasons to go to God before meeting her, but she had actually drawn me closer to him. Things have really turned around for me generally, though strtd work with a good job, I'd moved from success to success (just not psychologically), changing jobs whenever I so desire. I can afford to get things as soon as I start thinking about them, no matter the cost. All these might have been destined to happen to me with or witout her but as a traditional man, I jst feel she has a good aura around her that makes things work.
She (my fiancée) is a likable person, with a vision as same as mine, she’s also a planner which is what I desire most in a woman, I love planning but then I sometimes derail, she has actually been able to keep me on track. She’s a Christian, we ddnt use to attend same church but we sometime go together (due to the nature of my job, I travel a lot); she often urges us to pray, she’d request for us to fast, I be to 12 or 3pm, she’d be to 6pm, all qualities I need in a woman. Won’t say she’s perfect thgh, 1 thng is I hv to often force her before she talks abt an issue wen we have quarrels, that’s all, quite terrible but I thnk I can live with that.
I'd here add also that she from the east and I western part of Nigeria, not saying that's an issue with my mum (she'd never mentioned it) cos we the kids had our early years in the eastern part of Nigeria, we all hv also lived in the northern part before I moved to where I am presently, so I can't really say my mother’s a tribally biased person, can never tell still.

I'd be curious to know why your folks have reasons against a girl they barely know. There has to be reasons.

From the girls POV, it will be unfair and unwise for her to marry into your family when she knows the odds are against her from the start.

Dante.A:

[b]Dear Reader,
Thanks so much for visiting this page, U can neva tell, u mite actually be saving a life or 2 for just opening this link.

This my chronicle that started about 4 yrs ago I'd try to summarise as much as possible so as not to take too much of your time.

I'm in my very early 30s, an Engineer with a well paying job, at least amongst my peers I'd say the good lord has done really well for me financially, yet I'm a very sad man, not been for a good while now (lik they say, mny can't buy you happiness). When I felt I'd gotten to a marraigeable age, I saw this nice, loving and God-fearing lady (a student then), I went after her with all good intent for about 7months before we eventually started dating, after 1.6yrs of being with her, during which we'd come to grow to love each other so much, I proposed to marry her.
My Mother, at every opportunity she gets, had never ceased to show her objection to the r/ship ever since she heard about or even before meeting her, my dad and other siblings had been quite supportive (until lately).

My dad and brothers concluded that instead I keep waiting for my mother to come around (which mite be never, and I'm not growing any younger eihter) I should start with the introduction and possibly engagement, which they will attend. I went ahead to fix a date with them and then communicated it to my fiancee's family, we then went ahead to start involving ONLY immediate family members (mostly hers, since her dad's late) abt a week aftrwards, my dad called that he was no more in support of me marrying the lady giving reasons he saw a vision in conjunction with what my uncle's pastor had told him. That my-wife-to-be can't be my wife cos if I marry her, I'd die young & some other similar stories lik that.

Believe me I'd had a few downs in my life, but I'd never been this devasted before. Right now I feel like the only man on earth, this has taken a terrible toll on my work as well, as I rarely concentrate anymore at work. My boss who had been really happy with my work and sometimes leave high-level responsibilities and decisions to me is starting to notice.

Pls what do i do, i really love this lady, never tot of spending my life with any-other ever since I met her. Moreso she'd gone thru so much bitterness in the hands of my mum, and ther's only 1 way I can make up for all we've been thru 2gether, that's by marrying her. Any kind hearted/concerned/God-fearing person in the house pls take your time to review this.

Thanks[/b]

Busy_body:

Na wa oh, she said the baby's condition was diagnosed in London na, na wa for all this jedijedi Doctors aka Delta007, Mutter and co

My e-crush:
This is what she said:

concerning my baby,well know that when it was discovered in nig that something may be wrong, i travelled to the uk,it was confirmed all was not well.maybe a doctor can tell me what could have gone wrong with no medical issues between us and after having two healthy children previously.

Her comments show that she's only speculating that the undeveloped kidney is as a result of the physical assault from her husband. I believe her kid has a hypoplastic kidney condition. It could happen to any kid, just as any woman can have a miscarriage. It can be detected via an ultrasound, which I am guessing was used in this case. Obviously, one kidney was bigger than the other. I stand corrected tho!

[s]_{So BB, do you want me to examine you?}[/s]

kemisuga:

@ Pretty - I said Most not All

"Most" is still quite a generalization, unless you have been with most men.

@Ayo,
Do I know you? You live in Halifax, right?

kurungu:

@ayoalade Thanks for yours. It means she should give them a call when she gets the go ahead for medicals or is it better to inform the doctor when she gets there and they will probably note it in their report i gues? Thanks.

She'd probably have to wait till she gives birth before she does the X-ray. When she gets instructions to undego medicals, she should discuss with the doctor. The doctor should be able to give her a letter that she'd send to the embassy to help delay her process. She'd not get a study permit without undergoing medicals.

uuche090:

Hello house.
I will be migrating to Canada with Visiting visa.Please,I wish to know if it is possible for me to change my status (from visiting visa to work permit or study) after some time and how I can achieve that.Meanwhile,how easy or otherwise is life for overstay immigrants in Canada.
Thanks for your comprehensive and educating contributions.

It's possible; you need to meet the requirements for a study or work visa. If you do not meet the requirements, there is no way you'd be able to change. You may also be required to do medicals (since you have not done one) and get the permit from the border (if approved).

I'm happy for you. I hope you find true happiness in your home. As you show him more love, try to be more accessible rather than over react on his goofs. With the baby, it is going to be much difficult to have your alone time, but do not underestimate the benefits of spending time together ALONE and discussing about "nothing". You folks seem financially stable; if possible, go on dates a couple times a month and keep the spark in your home.

Congrats on your baby and I wish you both all the best. Hopefully, others will be able to learn from your experience in a few years.

bogoshipo:

i prepared food for my husband for the first time in 5 days. after eating we talked.

he said he misled me because he did not want me to overreact. he denies any emotional or physical connection with the ex. although he left her, they remained good friends. he would be degrading himself by having an affair, let alone with a semi married woman. he did not think it was important for him to inform me of texting his ex. he clearly understands why i'm mad. he asked me to take his phone for the day and text her whatever i want and see the response for myself.

i asked if there is anything i did wrong. he said absolutely not. i asked if he's fullfilled sexually and otherwise he said yes, that i'm the best woman for him, he does not want anyone else. i asked what i could do to make him happy. he said the only way he's gonna to be happy in the marriage is if i'm happy, that he is easy to please.

This is our first misunderstanding, he's been wonderful to me, i was living a stress free life, he takes care of everything financially even though i work, he wrote me a check yesterday even though i was not cooking for him. those who live in the states understand what that means. he does everything with me in mind. he stays up at night with baby so that i can sleep. but he is not perfect


i choose to believe him, i choose to be happy because i want him to be happy. i have buried the past. i want to show him more love now than ever before.

thank you all for all the help, the last few comments woke me up. thanks,

At the OP, I feel your pain and I hope whatever decision you choose works out great for you and your kids (and your husband, if he is still in the picture).

Just a few thoughts as I read through some of the postings on this thread:
1. A fetus at 4mths CANNOT cannot get the kidney ruptured from an external beating (like in your case). I've confirmed it for you. Most organs start developing around the 4th week and the case of your kid having an organ not fully developed is not unheard of. It happens; there are kids who never had both kidneys developed. Why did this happen to the 3rd one and not happen to the last two? I dunno but what happened is not a causal effect from your husband's beating, which I think is cowardice and totally unacceptable.

2. I applaud you courage and patience. God knows I cannot stand a lady that wants to spend all day watching Oprah, The View and the Shopping Channel in the name of raising kids and abandoning her profession. Even if it's 2-3 times a week, no wahala; she just has to face other challenges so as to develop and get a much more fulfilling life (just like me). In your case, you sound like a go-getter and every sane man's dream. Nothing trips me more than picking up my s3xy wife, dressed corporately for lunch or dinner. I have a fetish for VERY intelligent ladies and that's one major reason (amongst others) I married my wife. Unfortunately, your husband has serious self-esteem issues and I think if dealt with properly may put your home back on track. I do not think it's necessarily a control issue tho; it's mostly women who tend to want to control the affairs of the home that see their husbands as control freaks. The man has a natural tendency to safeguard his home. He's obviously taking the wrong approach and it loooks as if the communication in your home have broken down for eons. No matter the coping strategy (or whatever you call it) you adopt, this needs to be fixed. Good communication also enhances trust which seems to be lacking as well. Some of the examples you gave just shows a frustrated man venting. On a side note, you seem not to be forth coming on what attracted you to him in the first place. That aside, you need to think deeply on what was the turning point in your relationship when you started to grow apart.

3. I laugh when you say "fake prophets". Call them fake at your own peril but they are as real as it gets. They are already having an effect in your home and na you dey suffer am. Do not ignore them. I'm not saying you should succomb to their witch hunts, but you need to wean your husband off them for your family to survive otherwise, you'd wake up one day dancing like okere juju. The Nigerian environment can make any sane human being become a slave to these prophets; before you know, na either cele of MFM you go dey enter. I would not necessarily blame your husband here, because his actions show that he acknowledges there's a problem and has obviously gone out to seek help just as you have come here to seek help. This is what happens when there is a total breakdown of communication in your home; instead of resolving internally and moving on, you are seeking external help. How do you jump start it? Have both of you discussed like adults recently about this witch labelling, spiritual husband, etc? I mean like adults, not yelling at each other? A semi-private place outside your home (comfort zone), maybe over a romantic dinner may be a place to kickstart such discussion; hopefully, you folks are decent enough not to yell at each other. If he's serious about taking the spiritual husband thing and not having s3xual relations with you, perhaps this is where you'd want to make your opinion known and play the "walk-out" card. I do not know why you played that card when you were pregnant but if you play it frequently, the potency is lost. Another way is to talk to his mother and let her know that you'd be involving your parents if he is not ready to talk and settle these issues. If he is ready to talk, then you folks need to start talking; hard not to yell when angered but you have to set the ground rules of no yelling and keep talking. Like CC suggested, a neutral and sensible 3rd party that commands respect from both of you may be instrumental in bridging the gap. Be careful of 3rd parties though; I'm not really a big fan as I have a firm belief that two sane adults with a common goal (in this case building a peaceful and loving family) can resolve issues between themselves with little external influence.

4. Lastly, I understand it's good to hear different views but take them with a large dose of salt. Some people who post here, are not even married and will never be married, unfortunately. Having a storybook idea of marriage is different from being married. It's just like a teenager telling a 50yr old what life is all about. It does not mean the teanager's view of life is invalid but I'm sure the 50year old has a much more complete outloook. Mutter's postings give a different view from the conventional lady of today who cannot stand been twisted and is ready to walk at any time, even at the slightest provocation. I do not see it as an attack on the OP; rather, it's different and completely valid. From some of these postings, I tend to believe that alot of ladies see it as an attack on their person if you do not follow their "conventional wisdom". A wholistic view has better benefits. Your parents being together for 30years show that they've have stood the test of time together. It does not mean that they never had similar issues crop up. If some mothers share what they had to endure in their days (when there was no internet to vent), you'd realise that what you are experiencing is child's play. Have men changed? Probably not; our DNA composition is still same; Has society evolved? Definitely, and it will only continue to evolve. So comments like, "men of  these days" make me chuckle. How different are men of these days from our fathers and grandfathers? From what I know, our fathers and grand fathers solved infidelity by marrying multiple wives. You are just wife no 4 and if you are the junior, you go work tire. How many wives had careers compared to today? How many men even entered kitchen to help their wives?Do you know how many of our mothers were beaten or cried their eyes out on a regular basis? I can easily make the argument that men of today are better just by comparing societal evolution. So even though you see your parents as role models, do not make the mistake of comparing your marriage with theirs. Two different ball games here. Just my two cents.

What's the status of this vehicle? The OP opened this thread on Jan 25 and German confirmed that the vehicle had shipped. This is March 2, can this thread be closed now?

In life, there's a first time for everything. Marriage and dating are two different ball game; so do not make the mistake of allowing your ego get in the way of reason. Marriage makes everyone, including you, vulnerable. It's as simple as that. As a single guy, there were things I never tolerated from any lady I dated. As a married man, I just turn a blind eye; not worth the hassle. Compromising does not make you weak, it only contributes to making your relationship (marriage) stronger.

Quite frankly, I do not get your infatuation with trying to see the content of the messages. You already moved out for just knowing that he was in constant communication with his ex and other ladies; only God knows what you'd do when you eventually see (or know) the content. He was untruthful; he was not open; he was involved in other inappropriate incidences and he does not deny it and he has apologised. So why dig a grave to kill your relationship/marriage? Truth is, most men will never admit anything even if you catch them in bed with a mistress; that's how it is and you'd not get a cookie even if you try to reverse that trend. Like I said earlier, the dude probably know you more than you know yourself; no wonder he sees the woman outside easier and sweeter to talk to than his own darling wife. It's no excuse for an inappropriate behaviour but if you want to have a loving home, you need to invest in yourself and make it exciting enough that your husband will yearn to be with you every spare second (same goes for the guy). You seem alot more uptight; "loosen up" and enjoy the marriage ride. It can be as lovely as you want it to be. This is small fish to fry; wait till the baby comes then you'd appreciate a supportive husband the more.

My last word: Suprise him, move back in and play some reverse psychology. Apologise that you moved out and explain that you were hurt. Then, watch him pour his heart out and promise never to over step his boundary. Then, you folks can discuss how you want to move forward. If you show any sign of anger, the purpose is defeated. You need to work on your anger. One mistake you seem to be making is overate your feelings over his. You need to fiind out why he prefers chatting with other ladies outside and correct it. Again, this does not absolve him, but you have to play your part and hope he does make amends. I think he will, !

bogoshipo:

thanks all for the advice,
@busybody. according to my husband he told the ex from the first day that he was not gonna marry her no matter how good she is. he wanted someone from his state(calabar), if not any naija, then any african, akata was always gonna be last option. he said that is what he prayed for. but this girl turn out to be really nice, he used those questions to remind her and himself what he said from the beginning. he ended the relationship when the girl insisted on marriage. we speak the same language.
@delta
i really sincerely would like to move on, this happenned in jan, i have tried. but each time i think about the excuses he gave me i find myself back in square one.
sometimes i look at him and feel bad, but the anger inside is not allowing me to move on. He pushed the wrong button. lying about something that involves a. girl never works with me. i have never stayed with a guy who did that. if i stay in this marriage, this will be the first. i was actually on my way to moving on untill those 19 text messages happenned on val's day. i was home, he went shopping for me and the baby. he promised not to delete any messages. i'm at this point beacause of the sim card excuse.

the 300+ messages was from jan to dec. i went back to look, i noticed he initiated most of it. all i want is for him to admit to something, then we will go from there. i know i will not be be able to move on with those excuses stuck in my head.

he

geoger:

Hello everyone I need your help on this question. Is there anything that a woman will do that will make a man the beat her messily . ( giving her black eyes) . My husband beats me so much that I can’t take it anymore. He beat me when am pregnant, one month after give birth to our child. Because I ask him questions. He is doing thing I don’t understand , like make late calls to whom I don’t know. Keeping secrets for me. He beat me again because I told him I don’t like the way he and his boy friend use to behav

A man should never lay hands on his wife. Either you leave now, or tell him you'd leave if he ever lays his hands on you. This is sheer madness and it will continue till he kills you unless you make your move.

You were lied to quite alright but you seem to listen to only what you want to hear. So, what if he tells you he was flirting with his ex and  he deleted the msgs just because he did not want you to see them? What would you do? What would that change, really? I can see why a man would want to hide things from you. Take a look at the bigger picture.

Let me give you a piece of advice, feel free to take it. Every relationship has its challenges and nobody is perfect in a relationship; so yeah, you got your own demons as well; you may feel your demons no strong reach him own but that does not matter. What matters is that your demons are conflicting and you are refusing to work it out because you want to see the content of some frigging text message. Are you for real? Do not believe in all those fairy tale relationships. There are always "fights" and every wise woman (and man) would use the fight as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, not tear it apart even further. In your own wisdom, your husband is on the wrong; even he has admitted it. So why take the position, "there will be no peace, blah blah blah"?

A more rational person would ask, how do we proceed from here? If you cant move on with the relationship, then cut your losses and move on with your life. If you take this option, then I can only tell you that you are not ready for life yet, however, it is your choice.  Every man seem to have a darkside even your ex who you are beginning to think is a saint. You forget, there's a reason your ex is your ex. Remember, the grass is always greener.

On the other hand, if you want him to cut off all communications to his ex because of your insecurity as a condition to move on, then let him know that. Why deprive yourself of peace when you can easily move on? Opening up communications with your ex simply because you want to get back at your husband is simply childish.  If you are not careful, in the end, your egos will screw your relationship the more that the scars will never heal. Only you know how good your husband has been to you over the last 2yrs. Only you know if the relationship is worth fighting for. Now, if he straightens out and is able to work out his demons with YOUR help and your relationship in even better, who benefits? In 10yrs time, will this issue at hand matter? If it wouldnt, why sweat the small stuff?

Again, if most of the messages were sent while you were home, then like I said earlier, something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship. There are 24hrs in a day and I got a really tight schedule. The few hours I spend home, I cant imagine myself wasting it on some broad I have no future with _{except BB}  

bogoshipo:

@ mrbrownjay
u made me smile by saying i have demons of my own. that is pretty much what he's been saying to me. that i'm crazy for twisting everything. he works from home. spends a lot of time in his home office. he rarely leaves home, so i use to think i was lucky only to find out he does whatever he does right under my nose at home. most of the days i found he was chatting or texting, i was home. he occasionally goes to club, did that probably 3-4 times last yr. i work 3 days a week but long hrs.

he said i was crazy for even suggesting he owns the pregnancy. he has NEVER cheated on me. i honestly do not think he has done anything physically yet, at least that is what i want to believe , i think this is more of an emotional affair, he says capital no to that as well.

i also have an ex he was and stillis in love with me. we were good friends, he would come to me about issues with his girlfriend, the conversation always ended with him saying how much he misses me. i cut off communication with him after i got married. there was a time while in bed with my husband at about 11pm or so i received a text from him, my husband read it and said it was inappropriate to be getting texted at that time of the night from an ex, so my husband is fully aware of inappropriate behaviors. the text was a simple" how r u doing"

anyway yesterday, i sent my ex and email on fb requesting for his number, he gave it me and said he's been thinking about me and has been wanting to call, but wanted to let things be. i intend to let my husband know this sometime today.

until he honestly tells me why he lied or intentionally misled me into believing he was not communicating with his ex, why he deleted all messages, why his sim card choose to crash on val's day, there will be no peace. at this point i really don't care anymore. there nothing i hate more than being lied to and then trying to make it seem as if i'm crazy.

For whatever it's worth, the OP never caught her husband in sexual affairs with other women. However, the fact that he exchanged LOTS of text msgs and spends alot of his time online chatting up other ladies suggests that there is something fundamentally going south in your marriage. Did you folks date for long? Did you engage in activities together? No excuses for this behaviour but instead of wasting your time checking his phone, spend you energy finding the rootcause and fixing it if you are still interested in the marriage. I tend to agree with Mutter's posts; unfortunately, most ladies miss the point and would rather chase their tails. I do not condone cheating but when you centre your marriage (or relationship) on your partner being unfaithful, you are asking for trouble. 4 out of ever 5 persons will tell you that they value trust in their relationship. What most fail to realise is that trust is not a switch that you can turn on. Trust is developed and there are a few ways to enhance its development - openess, good communication and working/playing together are ingredients for a successful relationship. Unfortunately, sneaking up on your spouse is not on the list.

@OP, I'm assuming your husband goes to work in the day. So what time does he have to sit, and do webcam chats and exchange several text messages in the evening with you around? Perhaps you are doing you own thing (and he is chatting up with others or you folks just bore each other) and you spend less time bonding together. Even during val's day, a few folks spend it going for dinners, parties, etc what were you folks doing that he had time to exchange a few messages? It seems to me that you folks are living in same house but growing apart gradually. You need to invest your time in understanding your husband (same with him).

Another thing you (and most people) ignore is your pregnancy. Women tend to "push" their husbands away when they are pregnant and men react differently to the push. Some men end up "s3xless" for weeks to months and they cannot even touch the wife because she gets easily irritated. I dunno if this is your case but there's something making your husband bored and you folks need to rekindle that spark. Yeah, love is not everything in a marriage, but it is love that make you look at the bigger picture rather than chase your tail. I find it odd that you easily packed your bag at your first "major" fight; no wonder your hubby was untruthful (no excuses). Most people tend to "sweep" issues under the carpet if they sense their partner will not take the "issue" well. Maybe he started out by wanting to genuinely help his ex in a difficult situation but as time went on, a combination of things (boredom, etc) made communication outside his home more exciting. Possible scenerio.  You folks need to sit together and air your frustrations; you may be suprised that the dude has alot of reservations. Again, I'm not saying what he did is right although personally, I do not think communicating with an ex is a big deal as far as my partner is aware. 300 msgs in a short period of time is excessive.

As for your husband standing tall against his folks on your behalf, every man approaches this differently. Your dad may bark back, while your brother or husband may see it as inconsequential and smile it off. The latter may not be your preferred reaction but that does not make one better than the other. Comparing your spouse to other spouses or your father is the height of fo0lishness (no offence). Every relationship is unique and you folks should spend the early years building your life together rather than making comparisons. Your post suggests that this is your husband's first marriage so he is on a new terrain, just as you are. Your father is more of a veteran, so comparing your husband's reaction to your father's, is quite unfair. I'm sure you'd flip if he said he lost confidence because he thought he married a home maker like his mother.

Lastly, you need to call his bluff and talk to the ex in his presence simply to ask her who owns the pregnancy. Apart from that, you have no business with the ex. Before you proceed, you need to decide your next cause of action if the pregnancy is his; if you you may not be able to handle the truth then do not bother and hope for the best. Goodluck!

Kunle-A:


The best way to know the best fit is to go with the VIN. You take the VIN to the Toyota dealership and they can tell you exactly the ECU number. Thats the way to solve the problem. You cannot just be throwing in any type of ECU because it fits.

Good luck.

+1

Emperoh:

Delta007
Can u send me pictures of that car?
Someone i know needs it.

emperoneroh@yahoo.com give me your number in the mail so we can talk!!!

Apologies. I just saw this. I'm on the road. I'd send you something on Wednesday.

chimsomto:

thank you all, it seems that buying the suv in Nigeria would be alot easier, all these containerising and high cost of clearing-i go just go berger and buy it, saving myself all the stress.

Actually, it's not as difficult as you think.