For all those that can't get past the abuse, let me tell you a story. The wife of one of my best friends was also 4 months pregnant and she called her husband that she was having wild contractions. The husband rushed home, almost killing himself along the way, but when he got home, he realized the wife was basically lying.

The shaken husband try to take the wife to the hospital and was upset because the wife did not want to go and the wife started raining abuses on him. The husband, steaming mad, tried to leave the house but the wife stood by the door refusing to let him leave. The husband pulled her off the door and left.

Guess what happened, when the wife told me the story, all she said was the husband physically abused her by pushing her while she was pregnant. Guys, be careful when you have not heard the other side of the story.

Flak, listen to chaircover. You have to stoop to conquer. A lot of men in Nigeria are worried about their wives that work in banks because we all know how rampant it is for women bankers to sleep with their customers. What you need to do is calmly sit your husband down and explain to her that the verbal abuses are really affecting you and you can't cope with it. Tell him to find other ways to communicate with you.

But you didn't tell us why he verbally abuses you. Perhaps you are being extremely combative in stating your demands about working. Being extremely combative, does not work. You have to calmly continue to talk to him about it until her budges. The key word here is 'calmly" Trying a gung-ho approach about my way or the highway will not work.

@Mutter

Wow!

It seems like Nigerian men have the mentality of possession when they get into a relationship or marriage. Mutter God bless you! How can a man beat his wife everyday? Inhumanity is what i call it.

Flak, I'm not trying to make light of the abuse issue, but I'm very much doubt the alleged abuse had anything to do with your daughter's condition. I know many pregnant women that fell when they were pregnant and nothing happened to the baby. Scinetifically speaking, the amniotic sac is a very effective cushion against all sorts of physical mishaps. Just because you and your husband had no physical problem does not mean the child cannot have a problem. Millions of people have kids with down syndrome, autism, congenital issues without the parents having any physical ailment.

@genius one. thanks. maybe i would have felt better about my daughter if he didnt physically abuse me at all. love is forgiving right?

@bettle i believe why people court is to get to know themselves better. during courtship i told him in every language possible i would like to continue with my career. he agreed so why change and call me an ingrate cos he believes i should be happy and contented with all he gives me materially. if i knew he would not allow me with my career, i tell u i wouldnt have married him. yes, a lot of women out there will be happy to find a man that takes care of them without having to carry a feet. unfortunately, i dont fall into such category.

a step further, lets assume i have forgiven him for the physical abuse and if i agree not to work, i should then fold my arms and wait for the day one of his prophets will tell him to chase me out of the house for allegedly causing his job loss ,just asking?

show more love to someone who told him mum, not me, that until i accept to do a deliverance from the spiritual husband, he is not going to have any sexual relations with me anymore, cos he doesn't want an assumed spiritual husband to kill him or stop his progress. the mum came to me appealing that i should do whatever he says for peace to reign. after 5 years of nothing of that nature. maybe if outsiders forsook me ,it will feel a lot more better, just thinking aloud

flak:


@bettle i believe why people court is to get to know themselves better. during courtship i told him in every language possible i would like to continue with my career. he agreed so why change and call me an ingrate cos he believes i should be happy and contented with all he gives me materially.

show more love to someone who told him mum, not me, that until i accept to do a deliverance from the spiritual husband, he is not going to have any sexual relations with me anymore, cos he doesn't want an assumed spiritual husband to kill him or stop his progress. the mum came to me appealing that i should do whatever he says for peace to reign. after 5 years of nothing of that nature. maybe if outsiders forsook me ,it will feel a lot more better, just thinking aloud

What the hell. i said it earlier on this thread that no one knows what you have been through and those telling you to work it out have no idea how much efforts you've put into that marriage of yours and how much you have tolerated.

Called you an ingrate? whatever for? and then refused to sleep with you because one pastor told him you had a spiritual husband? not only that he did not even tell you but his mum?

Mr kadry has never called me names before, never ever. I think he knows that if he tries it , Jenny will chop him raw The fear of jennifer kadry is the beginning of wisdom,knowledge and understanding.

//

@ mutter

u strong o  I have been inspired by your post.  God has really wiped away all your tears. And my prayer is that He will continue to crown your marriage with His love everyday IJN.  God bless.

flak:


a step further, lets assume i have forgiven him for the physical abuse and if i agree not to work, i should then fold my arms and wait for the day one of his prophets will tell him to chase me out of the house for allegedly causing his job loss ,just asking?

show more love to someone who told him mum, not me, that until i accept to do a deliverance from the spiritual husband, he is not going to have any sexual relations with me anymore, cos he doesn't want an assumed spiritual husband to kill him or stop his progress. the mum came to me appealing that i should do whatever he says for peace to reign. after 5 years of nothing of that nature. maybe if outsiders forsook me ,it will feel a lot more better, just thinking aloud

of course u v foriven him for the physical abuse, cos that's not the reason for this thread. i think it's 'cos of the no work issue and perhaps going thru deliverance from spiritual husband. hmmm, has he been able to keep to his word, as in not having any sexual relations with u? or did u go thru with it (the deliverance)?

jennykadry:

What the hell. i said it earlier on this thread that no one knows what you have been through and those telling you to work it out have no idea how much efforts you've put into that marriage of yours and how much you have tolerated.

Called you an ingrate? whatever for? and then refused to sleep with you because one pastor told him you had a spiritual husband? not only that he did not even tell you but his mum?

Mr kadry has never called me names before, never ever. I think he knows that if he tries it , Jenny will chop him raw The fear of jennifer kadry is the beginning of wisdom,knowledge and understanding.

ROTFLMAO

Jenny nke'a bu onu ka i na eme! Mr Kadry jide gi tuo gi na ani eh . . . i che fuo afa gi!

mutter:

Did I regret leaving my husband and how was it being divorced?

At first I was relieved that I left him and I felt it was worth all the struggles I went through. To make matters worse, that was when I simply took my kids and left the country because I wanted a clean cut, distance so that nothing could get me back to him.
At that point I was angry and hurt with him.
But as the years went by, we became friends and could talk with each other normally.
The last time I saw my ex when he visited it was a terrible experience. He is still so much in love with me, he cried and told me he never understood what came over him. I left him not because i stopped loving him but because I could not endure the beating and abuse any longer. The feeling was so painful for me.
The bad thing about it was that my husband and his wife noticed. But I know in my heart that I could never be happy with him.
Sometimes I regret leaving him, not just because I loved him but also because I regret even leaving Nigeria and my whole life there behind.
I am so mixed up on this issue I cannot give you a clear answer.
Sometime I feel so bad that things did not work out between us.
But God gave me a kind and gentle man this time. A man that has stood by me and comforted me. And I really do love my husband, e is like a father, a brother, a friend. He is everything to me. With him I have the emotional security I never had before.
Flak I could never have made that marriage work. according to my ex, he said his family confessed that they went to all lengths to break us up because they felt he would leave them for me.
The things that man did to me were inhuman.
He violated me when my baby was just a day old. He would insist on examining me physically to see if I had cheated on him when I came home, would even sometimes drag me to the doctor to test me. He was bringing in women into our home and sleeping with them there. On several occasions I came home to meet a girl in his room and used condoms. And he was beating me almost every day.

It's funny how people blame others for their own mistakes. So his family was asking him to beat you up, violate you and cheat on you abi Hmmmn!

of course u v foriven him for the physical abuse, cos that's not the reason for this thread. i think it's 'cos of the no work issue and perhaps going thru deliverance from spiritual husband. hmmm, has he been able to keep to his word, as in not having any sexual relations with u? or did u go thru with it (the deliverance)?

yes he has kept his word, i have not agreed to any deliverance from their assumed spiritual husband. my thinking is that if i agree to it wont he feel right about accusing me wrongly in the first place. i have tried to agree to all his demands but this one i think is going too far or rather spiritual. i may be wrong even if i agree, will he really really think its over if assuming he doesnt get a job in the next one month.

@chaircover
thank u so much but i have not decided on anything. if i have decided i wont be on this forum, i would have been long gone. i am only thinking aloud, no man is an island, sometimes one really needs a broader view of issues.

flak:

of course u v foriven him for the physical abuse, cos that's not the reason for this thread. i think it's 'cos of the no work issue and perhaps going thru deliverance from spiritual husband. hmmm, has he been able to keep to his word, as in not having any sexual relations with u? or did u go thru with it (the deliverance)?

yes he has kept his word, i have not agreed to any deliverance from their assumed spiritual husband. my thinking is that if i agree to it wont he feel right about accusing me wrongly in the first place. i have tried to agree to all his demands but this one i think is going too far or rather spiritual. i may be wrong even if i agree, will he really really think its over if assuming he doesnt get a job in the next one month.

@chaircover
thank u so much but i have not decided on anything. if i have decided i wont be on this forum, i would have been long gone. i am only thinking aloud, no man is an island, sometimes one really needs a broader view of issues.

Na wa oh . . . na so you go gree make dem do you deliverance and when you reach dia, dem go kuku put evil spirit for inside you!

Ujujoan:

ROTFLMAO   

Jenny nke'a bu onu ka i na eme! Mr Kadry jide gi tuo gi na ani eh . . .  i che fuo afa gi!     

Lol the guy ga' tuo'm ozu na ani one time without stress, nwoke akpo'obi'an kporo onwe ya di'm Mana hapu'm aka make I feel strong for once haba

@Flak

You mean no sex btw you two since? for how long now?

jennykadry:

Lol the guy ga' tuo'm ozu na ani one time without stress, nwoke akpo'obi'an kporo onwe ya di'm Mana hapu'm aka make I feel strong for once haba

Hahahahaha

//

Ujujoan:

Hahahahaha   

Cheii uju no sex for months now , this poster must be sex starved.It is torture having to look at my hubby's backside everyday when he comes out from shower and not being able to spank it .  Bia nne anyi nwa nwere amu ne bi na aru anyi 24/7 ga ne kela chukwu Because onwe go time wu di'm no 3 days without any show, which was un believeable before i'ga si "jack robinson" e'were go'm Blood pressure machine'm  ke' nwoke nmadu na'aka ka'm choputa ma aru odi kwa ya

This poster I have noticed is mature, she came on here to seek for help and is gradually letting out everything. i don't think she should stop talking about the negative sides, I thinks he should continue that way she'll be able to let everything out and hold back nothing, let her unleash her frustrations on this forum, let her tell it out because without her coming out with everything she cannot move on either with her husband or herself alone

jennykadry:

Cheii uju no sex for months now , this poster must be sex starved.It is torture having to look at my hubby's backside everyday when he comes out from shower and not being able to spank it .  Bia nne anyi nwa nwere amu ne bi na aru anyi 24/7 ga ne kela chukwu Because onwe go time wu di'm no 3 days without any show, which was un believeable before i'ga si "jack robinson" e'were go'm Blood pressure machine'm  ke' nwoke nmadu na'aka ka'm choputa ma aru odi kwa ya

ROTFLMAO

Nwa'a eh . . o dika i like ka ife di na amu!

This poster I have noticed is mature, she came on here to seek for help and is gradually letting out everything. i don't think she should stop talking about the negative sides, I thinks he should continue that way she'll be able to let everything out and hold back nothing, let her unleash her frustrations on this forum, let her tell it out because without her coming out with everything she cannot move on either with her husband or herself alone

I agree with you . . . although I don't see how we can help her except make suggestions. Like CC said, she needs to involve her family in this issue . . . I think it's getting too much.

Ujujoan:

ROTFLMAO     

Nwa'a eh . .  o dika i like ka ife di na amu!     

I agree with you . . . although I don't see how we can help her except make suggestions. Like CC said, she needs to involve her family in this issue . . .  I think it's getting too much.

Amu makes the world go round, amu brings about female maturity.

I think she should involve her family too, na for this kain case CC go suggest ASAP intervention.

CC likes that aspect of marriage too much

jennykadry:

Amu makes the world go round, amu brings about female maturity.

I think she should involve her family too, na for this kain case CC go suggest ASAP intervention.

CC likes that aspect of marriage too much

LMAO

It's true sha, when it enters d stage of 'no amu' . . it's not a small matter again.

As i read thru this thread, i feel so sorry for what we call marriages today.

@ dayokanu- you made my day with ur comment.
@ Mutter, speechless, why? cos u hv always presented issues on marriages as if you had it all going, i now know source of ur strenght, keep it up.

@ Poster- Honestly CC is right, so many marriages, so many troubles, different different types and styles and you know what we are all battling for one issue or the other in our homes but do you know why most of people cant present it here, you even get more confused.

My advice is stick to Dayokanu's comment, you and you alone can fix your problems. Mutter is right, even your closest friend would gossip about it yet you have your life to care for.

I hv passed worse situation than urs, tears could not help, submission could not, love could not work untill i stood my ground and fight it out, its not very ok now but sure better than what i had.

Sit down and think, think, no decision is right but some are better than others. What do you want? what do u want for your children? how do u get it done? without this marriage who are u? with the marriage who are u? where is the place of your husband in your life. marriage is a kind of mixed fruit. Its not even better outside.

In all things i think u need one more step to take before u make any decision, after getting your tots together, call you husband and talk heart to heart with him with the mind to make the marriage work and remember that you are the wife when the discussion is going on listen more but make sure u speak your mind and let your decision be guarded by the outcome of that meeting. Its time to bare it all.

Who tell you to marry sef!

His request of spiritual deliverance is a consequence of Naija upbringing and it's unfortunate that most Nigerians still believe in such rubbish. Anyways, here is my advice to you. Sit him down and VERY CALMLY talk to him about everything. Regarding the spiritual deliverance, tell him you are not a witch but you will go for spiritual deliverance on once condition: You both have to do it together. If he himself is no witch, then he has nothing to fear. But he will also know what he feels like to be falsely accused.

Second, regarding the verbal abuse, like I said earlier, nobody just starts verbally abusing any other person for no reason. If you are doing anything to provoke the abuse, stop it. But you must also tell him to stop as it is affecting you in a very deep way.

Last, about work. You must continue to calmly talk to him about it until he agrees. I don't believe in a woman completely giving up her aspirations for her kids or family UNLESS SHE CHOOSES TO. Being combative or forceful about working will not work. You must be patient, calm  and persistent.

If none of these works, life is too short. Get a separation until he comes to his senses.

chaircover:

@Flak[b] But If it has got to this point where there is no sex at all [/b] and he is telling you to go for deliverance etc shouldn’t your parents/family be involved at this point?

jennykadry:


CC likes that aspect of marriage too much

Jenny una see am as CC do 720 degree u-turn so, Chaircover wey don dey preach since say make she no involve family members for  the matter


Little wonder CC dey personally like to hand deliver OAM4J's weekly Tura bleaching cream supply


Little wonder CC don encamp Romeo4real in the Health section pretending she needs his help with doing sit-ups, press-ups, etc


Little wonder CC is always dragging her daughter to red carpet events and shows and after parties under the pretext of helping her ger Van Vickers autographs


Little wonder she was lusting after that roomy X5 with a roomier back area
                         

                                 

I think your husband is on a mission to crushed your Spirit, not just to control you. He desire to mess up your personality so much that you will accept that you can amount to nothing without him or sheepishly submitting to his whims and caprices. Of course like somebody earlier mention-this is a disorder and the earlier he seek help the better for your household. each time I read your post, the picture of Okonkwo of things fall apart comes to mind, you might want to research a bit into the patriarchal ancenstry of your husband, what got his mind twisted may lay there, thereby giving you a clue on what your next move should be. Of course i may be wrong in my assessment, hence the ultimate decision whether to continue in this obvious abusive relationship or open up a new chapter for your self lies with you.

..

At the OP, I feel your pain and I hope whatever decision you choose works out great for you and your kids (and your husband, if he is still in the picture).

Just a few thoughts as I read through some of the postings on this thread:
1. A fetus at 4mths CANNOT cannot get the kidney ruptured from an external beating (like in your case). I've confirmed it for you. Most organs start developing around the 4th week and the case of your kid having an organ not fully developed is not unheard of. It happens; there are kids who never had both kidneys developed. Why did this happen to the 3rd one and not happen to the last two? I dunno but what happened is not a causal effect from your husband's beating, which I think is cowardice and totally unacceptable.

2. I applaud you courage and patience. God knows I cannot stand a lady that wants to spend all day watching Oprah, The View and the Shopping Channel in the name of raising kids and abandoning her profession. Even if it's 2-3 times a week, no wahala; she just has to face other challenges so as to develop and get a much more fulfilling life (just like me). In your case, you sound like a go-getter and every sane man's dream. Nothing trips me more than picking up my s3xy wife, dressed corporately for lunch or dinner. I have a fetish for VERY intelligent ladies and that's one major reason (amongst others) I married my wife. Unfortunately, your husband has serious self-esteem issues and I think if dealt with properly may put your home back on track. I do not think it's necessarily a control issue tho; it's mostly women who tend to want to control the affairs of the home that see their husbands as control freaks. The man has a natural tendency to safeguard his home. He's obviously taking the wrong approach and it loooks as if the communication in your home have broken down for eons. No matter the coping strategy (or whatever you call it) you adopt, this needs to be fixed. Good communication also enhances trust which seems to be lacking as well. Some of the examples you gave just shows a frustrated man venting. On a side note, you seem not to be forth coming on what attracted you to him in the first place. That aside, you need to think deeply on what was the turning point in your relationship when you started to grow apart.

3. I laugh when you say "fake prophets". Call them fake at your own peril but they are as real as it gets. They are already having an effect in your home and na you dey suffer am. Do not ignore them. I'm not saying you should succomb to their witch hunts, but you need to wean your husband off them for your family to survive otherwise, you'd wake up one day dancing like okere juju. The Nigerian environment can make any sane human being become a slave to these prophets; before you know, na either cele of MFM you go dey enter. I would not necessarily blame your husband here, because his actions show that he acknowledges there's a problem and has obviously gone out to seek help just as you have come here to seek help. This is what happens when there is a total breakdown of communication in your home; instead of resolving internally and moving on, you are seeking external help. How do you jump start it? Have both of you discussed like adults recently about this witch labelling, spiritual husband, etc? I mean like adults, not yelling at each other? A semi-private place outside your home (comfort zone), maybe over a romantic dinner may be a place to kickstart such discussion; hopefully, you folks are decent enough not to yell at each other. If he's serious about taking the spiritual husband thing and not having s3xual relations with you, perhaps this is where you'd want to make your opinion known and play the "walk-out" card. I do not know why you played that card when you were pregnant but if you play it frequently, the potency is lost. Another way is to talk to his mother and let her know that you'd be involving your parents if he is not ready to talk and settle these issues. If he is ready to talk, then you folks need to start talking; hard not to yell when angered but you have to set the ground rules of no yelling and keep talking. Like CC suggested, a neutral and sensible 3rd party that commands respect from both of you may be instrumental in bridging the gap. Be careful of 3rd parties though; I'm not really a big fan as I have a firm belief that two sane adults with a common goal (in this case building a peaceful and loving family) can resolve issues between themselves with little external influence.

4. Lastly, I understand it's good to hear different views but take them with a large dose of salt. Some people who post here, are not even married and will never be married, unfortunately. Having a storybook idea of marriage is different from being married. It's just like a teenager telling a 50yr old what life is all about. It does not mean the teanager's view of life is invalid but I'm sure the 50year old has a much more complete outloook. Mutter's postings give a different view from the conventional lady of today who cannot stand been twisted and is ready to walk at any time, even at the slightest provocation. I do not see it as an attack on the OP; rather, it's different and completely valid. From some of these postings, I tend to believe that alot of ladies see it as an attack on their person if you do not follow their "conventional wisdom". A wholistic view has better benefits. Your parents being together for 30years show that they've have stood the test of time together. It does not mean that they never had similar issues crop up. If some mothers share what they had to endure in their days (when there was no internet to vent), you'd realise that what you are experiencing is child's play. Have men changed? Probably not; our DNA composition is still same; Has society evolved? Definitely, and it will only continue to evolve. So comments like, "men of  these days" make me chuckle. How different are men of these days from our fathers and grandfathers? From what I know, our fathers and grand fathers solved infidelity by marrying multiple wives. You are just wife no 4 and if you are the junior, you go work tire. How many wives had careers compared to today? How many men even entered kitchen to help their wives?Do you know how many of our mothers were beaten or cried their eyes out on a regular basis? I can easily make the argument that men of today are better just by comparing societal evolution. So even though you see your parents as role models, do not make the mistake of comparing your marriage with theirs. Two different ball games here. Just my two cents.

//

@delta thank u i appreciate your two cents.
@cc i think i see where u and mutter are coming from. will try to get past the emotional stage and what can be salvaged.

Delta thank you for taking your time out to give such detailed advise. Your advise from a man`s perspective is invaluable as CC put it and this is no flattery -
Flak now you have calmed down I would like to let you know what I did when I was in a similar position.
My ex was posted in the north and he refused me working.
I pleaded with him to get me a job but he did not. So once when he travelled I went to the court and sought pout a Judge from the same tribe as I was. I told him to recommend me to a lawyer I needed a job. I did not care how small the chambers was or the pay I just wanted a job to get my feet in.
He did this and when my husband came back I pleaded with him that I had found a job. He was mad. How did I get it and what was my relationship to the lawyer etc. As he often did, he assembled his people and a few of them came and he called me out.
They of course condemned my action for not letting my husband know and going behind his back and how I had to obey my husband.
I simply went on my knees in front of them and pleaded with my husband. He should remember that he promised my family to let me work. I had sacrificed so much for my education and had very good results and a promising future. The people were so surprised at my action. They had expected to see an academic woman acting arrogant and all knowing but never this. They asked him what his problem was and pleaded with him on my behalf.
You never believe it, he turned around and said that he was angry because I did not let him get me the job. He did not want his wife in such a chambers it was a disgrace to his name. The very next day he got me another job.
Later when we moved to lagos I got a job too and he did not make much stress. But at the start he could call me in the office and ask me to come home and give him his food, because he was my boss, not that man in the office. I would go home and give him his food. After some time I pleaded with him not to make me loose the job and he stopped it.
I made sure I spoke to him regularly about my job. My first salary I brought to him and he asked me to keep it.
Basically if you need a job maybe you can try getting yourself one without your husbands help. It may not be on your level but after that he will certainly help you get something better, if he feels okay with it. Maybe he will be more comfortable if the job is not in the banking sector. Your field is professional and you can get a job in so many other sectors.
My husband now does not stand in the way of my ambition. As far as he is concerned I can work 7 days a week as long as I do not inconvenience his own activities. Now he does earn well but he has 22 younger siblings and is the first child his parents are both late.
So I do not need to tell you where his investments are. The more I earn the more room he has to cater for his family with the argument that people back home do not have any options like in Europe, free medical etc. When I talk about a present for a child he converts for me what that money can do for someone back home. It does make sense but it is depressing me because I just feel overworked. My day starts at 6 and ends at about 2 in the morning. To give my kids those things my husband regards as luxuries I have to work and make this sacrifice. Just an instance last christmas it was more important to pay the rent of a relation at home than buy christmas presents.
I would gardly change shoes with you

^^If you did all of these for/to your ex and it worked out, why did you leave then?

Jennykadry the job worked out. There are allot of other things to marriage. He still was violent and he still brought women home.
Then he took another wife significantly older than I was and from his tribe. He took our pictures from the wall and hid the marriage certificate. She came from a very influential home. The problem was that she gave my husband the condition that I should pack out before she packs in, so my ex was making life hell for me. Even consulting his native doctors etc. because the woman claimed I was disturbing her in her sleep and my spirit would not allow her enter the house. So at this stage my family finally understood I had no chance to survive. We were not from the same tribe and I was neither raised diabolic nor deeply spiritual. So they gave me their blessing but not their help. So I left.
Even after leaving I still hoped somewhere and somehow that things will work out but I knew that it would be madness to go back. To put it honestly he gave me no option but to leave him.
Incidentally after about a few weeks the marriage was crumbling. A few months later he came over begging me to come back but i knew it was a one time chance to leave with my kids. And he said something really stupid that finally sealed it for me. He meant that the woman was a fool for treating me that way and the shame will be on her because he will soon divorce her, she was the one to suffer. He had broken our marriage and that was his point of argument

@ mutter ur story is something.The good part is that u now hav a beautiful marriage.
@ poster ur marriage to me has not reached the stage u leave your hubby listen to CC nd mutter give an extra good shot.I hope everything wrks out fine for u.

I will come back to comment later. I am extremely busy right now but I have some questions to ask some posters