₦airaland Forum

The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV.

The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas."

The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs?

You can barely walk!"

"I said, ', in my next life, ,'" the husband replied.

"Oh," she said. "I thought you said, ', with my next wife!'"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.

A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him "Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch, when she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty, "

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad??
Then it's love.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong??
Then it's love.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
Then it's love.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
Then it's love.

Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are??
Then it's love.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
Then it's love.

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it all we search for in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for?

This torture, this powerful death of self? Why?

The answer is so simple cause it's, LOVE. It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.

ANYBODY WEY FUCKSIDE AND DARE ME HERE NOW, I GO SEND AM TO MUGU SECTION FOR THIS NAIRALAND,

SHOW URSEF

THIS IS Entertainment | Jokes SECTION, NO BODY SHOULD PROVE HIS/HER MADNESS HERE

JUST CATCH THE FUN,

F**K LL YA HATERS

I read in one of the national dailies that a company handling the 561 megawatt station in Calabar was overpaid N224 million by the National Independent Power Project (NIPP), after collecting the actual contract sum of $151million. How's that for starters? An extra N224 million. The 561-megawatt power project is located along Calabar-Itu Road, in Onim Ankong, and was flagged off by former President Olusegun Obasanjo on March 6, 2006 and was to have been completed by November 2007. It still hasn't been completed. The company in question is Marubeni International, a company that has been involved in the construction of the Kainji dam and other power projects in the country. According to the paper, as at the time of visit by the committee, less than 30 percent of construction work had been done on the project. NIPP, in its records, showed that Marubeni had been paid the actual cost of the project and then paid an additional N224 million for reasons that could not be ascertained.

The deal was highly sumptuous and tempting. A whopping $500,000 for a lead role in a high budget movie that will cost the producer $40 million in America’s Hollywood. But she rejected the offer. Sultry Nollywood actress, Omoni Oboli, stunned many when the news broke recently in Los Angeles, USA, that she has rejected a plum offer to play a lead role in a movie that would have launched her into international stardom. According to the reports, Omoni, who is married and has three kids, turned down the script and spurned the princely $500,000 (N75 million) offer. She said she would only take the role if the 3 nude scenes are removed or modified by the American producer. But the producer, who is not ready to alter his script, refused and Omoni reportedly walked away. The actress said it was embarrassing that the outside world still thinks that with enough pay, you could just bend down and do any trash. “I made it known to the producer that in my culture, you are only subject to your husband

Former NNPC Executive Director, Exploration and Production, Chris Ogiemwonyi , on Sunday gave out N3 million in loans to 30 women in Ohrionmwon Local Government Area of Edo State. Each of the women got a loan facility of N100,000 geared towards encouraging them to engage in cassava production. Mr. Ogiemwonyi, who was recently retired from the NNPC after 34 years of service, said that his goal was to "lift the poor out of poverty." Urging others to emulate that gesture, he said that the time had come for "an Edo man to help an Edo man."

Former NNPC Executive Director, Exploration and Production, Chris Ogiemwonyi , on Sunday gave out N3 million in loans to 30 women in Ohrionmwon Local Government Area of Edo State. Each of the women got a loan facility of N100,000 geared towards encouraging them to engage in cassava production. Mr. Ogiemwonyi, who was recently retired from the NNPC after 34 years of service, said that his goal was to "lift the poor out of poverty." Urging others to emulate that gesture, he said that the time had come for "an Edo man to help an Edo man."

GODFORBID BAD TIN

CANT IMAGINE THAT AT ALL,

I HAVE NEVER CRIED FOR OVER 20YRS, because OF BABES SAY WETIN HAPPEN

IMPOSSICANT

You're So Nasty,


You're so nasty the only person that screws you is your cat, and that's only because your privates smell like fish.


Yo mama's so nasty, she has to put ice down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

Yo Mama So Hairy,


Yo mama so hairy a blind man mistook her for his seeing eye dog.

Yo mama's so stupid she tried to drown a fish. ,

Yo mama's breath is so bad that when she breathes, her teeth duck out of the way. ,


Yo' mama so nasty, I asked what was for dinner and she spread her legs and said "Crabs!"


Yo mamma so fat that when she wears a yellow coat people call TAXI!

Yo Mamma's so stupid she got locked in publix and starved to death.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she blinked and got lost

Yo Mamma's so stupid that she got run over by a parked car.


Yo Mamma's so stupid that when I told her we needed gas for the car, she farted at the gas tank!

Yo Mamma's so stupid that when she goes to a movie theatre and saw under 18 not admitted, she went home and got 17 of her friends.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she stayed in the grocery store for one day looking at a can of orange juice just because it said concentrate.

Yo Mamma's so stupid she went to an antique store and said what's new

guys here, bring ur koboko make i send am for grannies to check ur age, some of una neva reach 18yrs, who observe children day holiday here


u wey dey read this line, i suspect u, my pikin?

see yeye mumu dem, express ursef well

ben20001

u own don finish, come work for me, my dog house security

but my dogs go b ur chief security o, u go dey guard with them, when dem shit as una dey run 2gether for my compound, u go dey clean am since on ur first day of resumption, we go give u packer n brush

call me now b4 i give d job to mallam wey graduate

097673765638836689389093

nice 1 sweety

ANY Expensive Guy HERE

MAKE I TALK?

IN NIGERIA,MOST OLDER GIRLFRIEND WILL ALWAYS YELL AT YOU WHEN THERE IS AN AGRUMENT, FIRST, SHE WILL SAY, I B UR MATE?

SO, PEOPLE OF NAIRALAND, WETIN UNA THINK, CAN GUY MARRY OLDER CHICKS?

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is  the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your  mother if  she would sleep with president baba iyabo for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with president baba iyabo for a  million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with president baba iyabo  for a million dollars.   Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with president baba iyabo for a million dollars?"  The mother replied, "Of course I would!  We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with president baba iyabo for a million dollars?"  The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE president baba iyabo! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with president baba iyabo for a million dollars?"  "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him,  "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of
marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other
signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his
wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, PUNCH on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.