₦airaland Forum

Just felt like I should update...

2 1/2 years we are still married. I moved away for about a year during this time, but we kept in contact and visited each other often before I decided to move back home with him. We still have ups and downs, but what marriage doesn't? I still question his motives from time to time, but I stand on my faith.

I believe God told me to marry him, and even through our issues God tells me to stick it out. Bottom line, God has a divine destiny for my life and my husband will either step up, or he will have to step aside. I know my value. Until he decides, my only job is to be the best wife God has called me to be. If he leaves that is his own loss and God will restore and vindicate me.

Please, I am trying to learn Igbo language, and I want to know how to say "God is so good to me" in Igbo.

Hmmm...seems I've been given a lot to think about. I got a lot of insight on this issue and thankyou all on your honest responses. For the sake of discourse I would like to respond to a few of your questions/comments.

It seems many of you picked up on the fact that I was raised with pre-conceived notions, and quite a few of you wrongly accused me of bigotry. Having generalized ideas about something is not the same as having hatred toward it. I can tell you that I have honestly challenged every single notion, good or bad, that I was raised with. It was actually part of my motivation for marrying my husband. To challenge those notions that were already presented.

Secondly, I also failed to mention that it was not my family's concerns alone that began to raise my suspicions. There were certain aspects of our relationship that began to make me question him. He became overly secretive, and as I started to communicate my concerns with him he brushed them off as though they didn't matter. Immediately following our initial interview with immigration, he stopped having conversations with me, stopped going out with me, stopped taking pictures, stopped being concerned for my desires at all. He basically became this untouchable enigma in my house. He has never offered to let me speak to his family (I'm not even sure they know I exist) and avoids my family at all costs. He bagan to talk of our futures separately as though I weren't in his and he weren't in mine. And while we still talk respectively to each other, all we discuss are bills. Perhaps we have different ideas about what a relationship should be like, but he never afforded me the opportunity to learn what his ideas were, as he pushed for marriage after only a week of knowing each other. Admittedly, I took a gamble, and only began to evaluate my risk after the fact.

One person asked me about my faith. Show me someone who has NEVER questioned his faith. NEVER asked God "Are you really there?". NEVER asked God, "Is that really what you want me to do?". I prayed for God to bring my husband. Then almost immediately I met this man. On the surface he seemed to be everything I had asked for so I figured he was my answered prayer. It was the things under the surface that has caused me to question. Did I marry my husband on faith? Yes. Do I question that faith from time to time? Yes. What can I say, I'm human. God help my unbelief.

Another running theme people tended to bring up was why didn't I marry an (African)American man. To that I say I never had any expectations about the race or national origin of the man I'd marry. That being said, his nationality didn't matter so much to me. I have a thirst for learning about other cultures so I always figured I'd just be able to adjust. Apparently its not that easy. And, yes, the AA pickings are very slim.

As far as I'm concerned, I am not obese, but I am a thick woman. I was thick when he met me. But I can garauntee you I am beautiful! I love my curves! And they are all in the right places! I was thinner when I was younger and I literally looked sick! so if its a skinny woman he wants he can go have one. I have a bachelor's degree and a good job, and plans to obtain a master's. I'm intelligent, talented, and beautiful. And I love HARD! I have given this man my all, my last, and then some. I sacrificed, I cooked, I cleaned, I respect him, but I have grown weary. My Love tank has been depleted and he has put so very little back into it. I KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE MY PART. So forgive me if I wonder from time to time if this guy is true. It just baffles me that one hour a week of his time is too much to ask of somebody. That $50 a month is too much to ask. That wanting to hear "I love you" every once in a while is too much to ask.

must coordinate my underwear to match my outfit.

Men, could you be married to and love a woman who has attained greater wealth and influence than you?

here's an idea, why don't all sensible people just ignore the agitators and answer the question posed? Too many people don't understand that we give the enemy power when we acknowledge they have the ability to make us react or affect us in any way. Anyway, my topic has been hijacked, but I got very useful advice, so thankyou to those who offered constructive input.

na so? i have spent a lot of time reading post in nigerian forums, when in Rome, and we speak the same language!

Well, this has all been very interesting, informative, and insightful. Thanks for all of the input.

there is no such thing as a terrible people, only terrible persons, individuals.

success4:
Educate yourself and don't allow some people to deceive you. Go here and you will understand my stance:
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-310284.0.html

Thant is one in a million. Have you heard about Clifford Orji?  
Be warned and don't fall prey for the bigots giving you wrong advice

I actually did google it and found that posting. Informative, thankyou.

dtanigwe:
He is a God-fearing man, he actually found me at church, although he doesn't attend a church regular here. He acts as though no church here is good enough if its not like his church in 9ja. But he is always praying, always singing praises, and reads his bible. At the end of the day, he knows my Father and will have him to answer to. I'm just trying to keep my security planted in God as well. No matter what happens, God is my everything and my sustainer.

At this point I'm no longer concerned with his intentions. I know my worth and if he chooses to violate that then he's the fool. I'm just trying to make sure I do my part so my concience can always be clear.

1. What is money ritual?
2. I've discussed my concerns with him and he always reassures me. he tells me, a rat and a lizard fall into the river but they don't both dry at the same time.
3. I'm starting to understand Igbo, because I'm actively studying it, and Pidgin, too, and he always mixes his conversations with English, so I usually get a general understanding what he's talking about. (That was advice from my mother to learn his language ASAP) I have heard him tell whoever he was talking to that we are in love, he's always talking to a man when he says this, so again I dnt know what his family knows about us as he has a lot of sisters.
4. I've frankly told him if his intentions were solely for papers I could actually get over that. I can get over the financial investments I've made in him. And I wouldn't do anything to jeapordize his position here. And I mean that. But I begged him not to let me continue investing emotionally and waste my time if those are his plans.

He is a God-fearing man, he actually found me at church, although he doesn't attend a church regular here. He acts as though no church here is good enough if its not like his church in 9ja. But he is always praying, always singing praises, and reads his bible. At the end of the day, he knows my Father and will have him to answer to. I'm just trying to keep my security planted in God as well. No matter what happens, God is my everything and my sustainer.

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=855384.msg10055740#msg10055740 date=1327611103]Wow.  It is important that you speak with his immediate family members.  I know international calling can be expensive but make an effort to speak with his parents and siblings at least before going to Nigeria (when you go). 

It has been a year and the only family members you have spoken to is his cousin/wife.  Wow.  It was important for my husband and I to know both families before we moved to the next level in our relationship. 

When you spend time with his family, you will pick up on a lot of things therefore it wouldn't be much of a surprise later on in life.  Now if he is preventing you from contacting his family then something is not right. 

You are part of their family whether they like it or not but you have every rights to know his family because if you guys are planning on having children it is important.[/quote]I questioned him once about why he's never let his family talked to me and he told me I'll meet his family when we go to Nigeria. He talks to ppl in 9ja all the time. Honestly I'm not even sure anybody in 9ja knows I exist. Before we married he just quit a bad relationship, he say the woman was witch, and he always worries what ppl think. He told me he didn't want ppl thinking he left dis woman and baby to come run around with american women and play in America

BigBenoski:
@poster: where in particular is ur man from(ie state,local govt.)? U shouldnt get disturbd about security and some other trivialities. If u r sure this dude loves u,den just respect him,feed him well and GO TO SLEEP. He'l catch bullets 2 make u happy. D pride of an average igbo man is his wife, he'l wear rags 2 make sure u wear dem best designers. My only fear is, he migt just b pretending 2 love u and wen he gets ol he came 2 d states 4, off he goes. Anyway,i cud help u run a background check on him so u r sure u aint dealing wt a married man, 4 free ofcourse. Another important question, have u been speaking wt his mum over d phone??

Forgive me if I'm not very forthcoming on a lot of personal info, pls, don go scare me now. dats my worst fear, too. I've never spoken with any of his family members. I met a cousin of his who lives here in the states and spoke to his wife. dats all.

awww, This is so sad that so many are mocking! I hope all u trolls never hav to face a serious situation lak dat. OP, from a woman's perspective, perhaps you are spending too much time away from home. I know you can't just leave your job, but in order to save your marriage maybe you should consider making plans to change, or her change hers, and you can move to wia u can be togeda more often. When you come home on the weekends are you focusing only on her or do you come in, kick your feet up and ask for your fufu? you have two jobs! work all week, come home and cater ur wife!

Why pity now? Am happy. we're happy. I just want to keep it dat way. He's an entrepreneur, trying to grow his own businesses, trying diff things til something works out. He's still so new here, so he's just getting started. He works a steady job just to get by.

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=855384.msg10049737#msg10049737 date=1327554610]It is unfortunate that your mother is ostracized in the family however your family should look at her happiness and safety.[/quote]Well, turns out Father probably did know best in my mother's case. My dad (though wonderful to the kids) was not a good husband to my mom. He was quite controlling, verbally and physically abusive, unfaithful, and a drug abuser. She stayed with him for 20 years before finally divorcing him. Her second husband turned out badly too. they were together 10 years before he divorced her. So as you can see I am very concerned about how to keep my marriage standing. A healthy marriage relationship has not been modeled to me. Many of my marriage ideals I gleaned from observing my pastors and other spiritual leaders, and extended family like my mom's siblings had. All of her siblings are still married to their first spouses for 20, 30, even 40 years.

9jagirl4re:
American culture is when u sign paper you are married black american women stay close to her family usually when getting married  girls family sponsor wedding it is similar to 9ja in other regards. Americans divorce easier they can leave at the slightest mishap Black American can struggle with you and come up and family background is important mostly in upper class AA family. Like in 9ja elite family

So true. We have a saying that "a daughter is a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son til he finds him a wife" the concept of actually belonging to my husband's family is so foreign to me. Sometimes men stay very close to their families here, mostly their moms, and when that happens it usually causes a very big problem in the marriage of the son because the mother doesn't like the wife and will actively try to break the couple up. Women who are isolated from their families once getting involved with a man are usually in an abusive relationship.

My mother came from an upper class black family and I guess you can say she married down when she married my father. My grandfather did not approve. She now lives as an ostracized outcast in her family.

Tosinville:
lol, am wondering also do African-American folks i mean those living in the US alone have their our own culture too?

Of course we do! All of the African diaspora have their own unique cultures in their respective regions that developed through adaptation of their environments. A lot of the African influence remains in tact, but some aspects of tradition have been lost through the generations. For instance, speaking of AA's, we have developed a society of single mothers and blended families. The value of strong family ties has been corrupted through the methodical disintegration of the black family via the institution of slavery. Blacks were often not allowed to legally marry, and the state of the black family was always in jeapordy as members of the family could be sold off at any time. Young female slaves were offered incentives such as higher food rations, or lighter work in return for breeding more children. It's a value we've not yet fully regained. (I studied AA history in college)

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=855384.msg10049584#msg10049584 date=1327550420]Okay.  I was confused with the statement, "you belong to me because you didn't have the wedding ceremony". 

What is your wedding culture?

Interesting.[/quote]Well, before marriage, the groom traditionally has to ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage. The father approves or disapproves (although, admittedly its more a formality these days. Even if the father says no, the girl will still marry whomever she chooses) At the wedding, the father walks his daughter down the aisle and hands her off to the groom, signifying that he has "given" the responsibility of caring for his daughter to this man.

In my father's eyes, none of this happened, so he still bears the responsibility of caring for me.

I can't lie to you and say that my family has been super traditional, cause we haven't been, but I was always kind of like the "golden child" in my family. The one my parents pointed to and said, "look what we produced despite all our disfunction". And honestly, I don't know where I got all my traditional values from, but for some reason I'm the one expected to adhere to them.

Anyway, we've been married for over a year now, and I more or less trust him, and I'm pretty sure I'll go if he asks me, as long as its not too soon. If he asks me to go tomorrow, well then, my next post may be asking how to get over a divorce.

9jagirl4re:
, people can't hide pass two years the truth of their nature.

I've heard it's about three months, and I'd like to think that's true, but I watch too much television, I've seen true stories of women married to pschopathic killers and child rapists and embezzelers and cheaters for years, decades, and were never the wiser.

[quote author=Mrs, Chima link=topic=855384.msg10049514#msg10049514 date=1327548652]You guys have a legal marriage license?[/quote]Well of course. We're legally married. It's just there is nothing traditional about it. No "white" wedding or traditional ceremony, or any of the courtship traditions that go along with either of our cultures. We love each other very much, but we don't have much money, yet. My hubby works very hard. I guess you can say we're saving for our wedding and a trip to Naija.

We haven't had a wedding, not by his traditions nor mine, therefore my father told me I still belong to him. He hasn't given me away (blessed our marriage). Its complicated, so I dont know whether we look at this legally or traditionally. Traditionally I still belong to my family.
And I never believed Nigeria was a big bush. I know that there is modernization and westernization, but I also know that there is political unrest in Naija, too. I'm not looking to be a victim of some suicide bomber's anti-christian, anti-democratic ideals. And my hubby has political ambitions. And the fears my family most express are over my husband particularly, not over living abroad. I've been abroad before. And so has my dad. They're afraid he's not what he seems to be and will change if he takes me home with him.

lol. I think she actually told me one of the women used to date her hubby! So that's probably it!

Well, not to say she is a bad person, she's not, I can admit her attitude can be a little harsh, to say it nicely, but there shouldn't be any way women all the way in Nigeria should be hating on her because of it here in the states unless somebody who knows her is taking info back home to them. What she gets locally I can kinda understand.

Moving to Nigeria is a scary thought and my hubby's already hinted at that possibility. My family has already told me I'm not allowed to go. I'll always do what I want anyway, but I consider and value my family's opinions and concerns. They're afraid that in Nigeria, if something goes wrong, no one will be able to come rescue me. I'm willing on everything else.

American woman married to an Igbo man. How do I be a great wife to an Igbo man and love him right? I've been researching Nigeria, Igbo culture and language and Nigerian recipes. I'm teaching myself his language and trying the recipes I find online. I try to keep the house clean but honestly I'm not very neat by nature, so that's a struggle. I'm very adventerous sexually, but my hubby actually seems very shy to try new things and seems to prefer conservatism in the bedroom. He seems very happy with all my efforts, but I want to be sure I'm being a good wife. Any suggestions?

My friend, who is a black American, recently married a Nigerian man, and confided in me that she received a lot of backlash from Nigerian women (via facebook) for doing so. She told me how she was receiving messages from women asking her why couldn't she find a man her own race, how jealous they were of her for taking a good Nigerian man, and how she's not good enough for a Nigerian man. The harrassment became so much that she had to deactivate her account.

I observed that the kind of backlash she received is very similar, equal, in fact, to the attitude many black American women have about black men marrying white women, or latinas, or asians. So I want to know, is this a general opinion among Nigerian woman toward even black Americans who marry Nigerian men? Or was my friend's experience and isolated event from a select group of jealous women?

Let me also say that I, too, am a black American married to a Nigerian man, and I have not experienced any backlash (that I'm aware of). My experience seems to be that I have been welcomed with open arms into the Igbo/Nigerian society. My friend's husband is also the relative of a very prominent figure in the local Nigerian community here, and my husband is practically unknown. So I don't know if that's a factor, too.

I am a black American woman who has recently married an Igbo man. I was raised, as we all are, to have certain preconceived notions about ppl of other races and cultures, and Africans, although I am clearly a descendent, were no exception.

Having taught myself not to judge by these prescriptions, I gave no thought to my husband's nationality when I married him, but I have to admit that now, the quiet protests of my friends and family are starting to get to me and are raising doubt in my mind. I don't want to offend anyone, but in the interest of honest, open discourse, these are the stereotypes and fears that my loved ones present me with:

1. Africans/Nigerians only marry american women for a green card and will leave them as soon as they get it. They've usually got a Nigerian wife or girlfriend back home that they will marry and bring to the states after dumping the American wife.
2. Nigerians are notorious womanizers. If they do stay with their American wife they will callously cheat on her.
3. Africans think of women as objects or property. He is controlling of his wife, her opinion doesn't matter, her place is in the kitchen and having babies, and the man has the right to beat his wife and will often be verbally abusive.
4. A Nigerian man wouldn't stay with a black American because her bloodline has been "tainted".
5. Nigerian/Igbo men become cold, unaffectionate, and unloving with their wives (and sometimes children)

My husband is applying for his residency based on our marriage, and so far has not been any of these stereotypes (except maybe a little controlling, but never abusively so). In fact he has been a stark contrast, almost a perfect contrast. He is extremely affectionate and loving, speaks respectfully to me, never raised a hand to me, and he at least makes me think he considers my opinion on things. My fear is that once his residency becomes permanent will he change? Is this a norm? I want to know the truth behind Nigerian men marrying American women and why the marriages that fall apart do so. And also how many of these marriages stay together.

"mrprestige (m)
  Re: Is Jealousy Normal In A Relationship?
« #6 on: Yesterday at 04:06:16 PM » 
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Any relationship without  jealousy is not a gud one, but not being ova jealousness, dat is now obsession. "

I found your comment along with many others to be very interesting. when my hubby and I first got married, we hadn't known each other very long at all. he made a lot of off the wall comments and questions in the beginning that seemed very strange at the time. As I got to know him better I came to understand why he made those questions and comments, all except one. He told me, quite randomly one day, that "everybody has a little bit of jealousy in them"

He has been so wonderful to me and shows me so much love, and has done nothing to make me believe he has actually cheated on me, but lately I've been finding flirtatious messages, links to dating sites, and proclamations of singleness online. I absolutely blew up at him about one thing I found and he then called me "obsessed". The last message I found I decided I didn't care anymore. I didn't even acknowledge I had seen it and acted as though nothing was wrong. Later that day, and all that weekend he kept asking if I was ok. Was I mad at him. He was sorry if he did anything wrong. Is there anything on my mind.

I've grown to know my hubby as a METICULOUSLY privite person. He NEVER leaves his facebook or email or browsing history open. So I now I'm starting to wonder if he is actually setting these messages up for me to find and expecting my jealousy, and therefore the inspiration behind his jealousy comment at the start of our marriage. He actually seemed disappointed that I didn't get upset over this last incident

But to answer the question, Jealousy is normal, but I don't believe it is healthy to a relationship, ESPECIALLY if your partner is deliberately trying to make you jealous. I was actually ready to leave my husband over these issues, to which he tried to tell me that I never loved him if I could leave so easily. I believe a healthy, loving relationship should be built on trust, and that you or your partner shouldn't have to get jealous because you trust each other to be faithful.