American woman married to an Igbo man. How do I be a great wife to an Igbo man and love him right? I've been researching Nigeria, Igbo culture and language and Nigerian recipes. I'm teaching myself his language and trying the recipes I find online. I try to keep the house clean but honestly I'm not very neat by nature, so that's a struggle. I'm very adventerous sexually, but my hubby actually seems very shy to try new things and seems to prefer conservatism in the bedroom. He seems very happy with all my efforts, but I want to be sure I'm being a good wife. Any suggestions?

Well done you love him like any other man. Cooking him his favorite soup is a good start. Giving him beautiful children is an Igbo mans dream. no matter what never give up in marriage because pple believe other cultures don't stay married. If you have children already don't argue about the way he disciplines the children. Try an hang with other mixed couples, don't worry if his family is begging ignore them and help his mom because if you give to much then they can emotionally handle they will hate you in end and enough will never be enough. Prepare to move to Nigeria one day if he is the type. Visit Nigeria as often as possible. Give him good loving at least 3 times or more a week.

I am sure others will come up with more

Moving to Nigeria is a scary thought and my hubby's already hinted at that possibility. My family has already told me I'm not allowed to go. I'll always do what I want anyway, but I consider and value my family's opinions and concerns. They're afraid that in Nigeria, if something goes wrong, no one will be able to come rescue me. I'm willing on everything else.

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After giving him akpu to eat, start romancing his flat head like bicycle seat.

Of course your family will say it is bad especially if they never lived over seas. Nigeria is not a big bush it is very modern and the cost of living is amazing you can have a huge house and maids driver for just living and feeding arrangement and small money. In Lagos they have so many malls beautiful white sand beaches, food from around the world, movie theater, unbelievable clubs, spas etc; your family would be amazed if you dont want to go live in Nigeria one day at least for months at a time forget about staying married to igbo man he will make money abroad go home and move on wife back home wife in abroad ANOTHER BIG BOO BOO you are married to his family now your family does not matter anymore his family is your family that is the culture if you dont adhere be prepared for tears and heart ache that is important to igbo man

[i][s]After giving him akpu to eat, start romancing his flat head like bicycle seat.[[/s]/i]
fool face ur life brose

We haven't had a wedding, not by his traditions nor mine, therefore my father told me I still belong to him. He hasn't given me away (blessed our marriage). Its complicated, so I dont know whether we look at this legally or traditionally. Traditionally I still belong to my family.
And I never believed Nigeria was a big bush. I know that there is modernization and westernization, but I also know that there is political unrest in Naija, too. I'm not looking to be a victim of some suicide bomber's anti-christian, anti-democratic ideals. And my hubby has political ambitions. And the fears my family most express are over my husband particularly, not over living abroad. I've been abroad before. And so has my dad. They're afraid he's not what he seems to be and will change if he takes me home with him.

You guys have a legal marriage license?

Beware of Boko Haram explosion on ur wedding day, beta stay in da states & do all that.

Tosinville:

Beware of Boko Haram explosion on ur wedding day, beta stay in da states & do all that.

I thought she was married?

Mrs, Chima:

You guys have a legal marriage license? 

Well of course. We're legally married. It's just there is nothing traditional about it. No "white" wedding or traditional ceremony, or any of the courtship traditions that go along with either of our cultures. We love each other very much, but we don't have much money, yet. My hubby works very hard. I guess you can say we're saving for our wedding and a trip to Naija.

Oh so you guys are dating well you still belong to your family that is correct if he has political ambitions he is going home if you doubt you will then don't waste your time. Everyone changes in marriage and in relationships if you don't it die. Abuja and the North should be avoided if you want to marry an igbo man you be ready to go home to settle or he will get a younger Nigerian woman and marry later on in life and leave you in US with no chance of collecting child support I have seen it so many times. An Igbo women follows her man if he changes to bad well he was always bad take your time and know who you are dealing with people can't hide pass two years the truth of their nature.

You have license of marriage you are married by God but you ar getting white wedding or traditional wedding does not mean anything to God when you say I do in front of whom ever. You have his last name what is this nonsense about your father. You are living in a mans house not your fathers forget that your father your Papa is your husband your better listenooo or pay for it later!

Mrs.Chima, am talking about their traditional wedding.

9jagirl4re:

, people can't hide pass two years the truth of their nature.

I've heard it's about three months, and I'd like to think that's true, but I watch too much television, I've seen true stories of women married to pschopathic killers and child rapists and embezzelers and cheaters for years, decades, and were never the wiser.

Anyway, we've been married for over a year now, and I more or less trust him, and I'm pretty sure I'll go if he asks me, as long as its not too soon. If he asks me to go tomorrow, well then, my next post may be asking how to get over a divorce.

dtanigwe:

Well of course. We're legally married. It's just there is nothing traditional about it. No "white" wedding or traditional ceremony, or any of the courtship traditions that go along with either of our cultures. We love each other very much, but we don't have much money, yet. My hubby works very hard. I guess you can say we're saving for our wedding and a trip to Naija.

Okay.  I was confused with the statement, "you belong to me because you didn't have the wedding ceremony". 

What is your wedding culture?

Interesting.

lol, am wondering also do African-American folks i mean those living in the US alone have their our own culture too?

It will be a while before you move you need thousands to move unless he gets a political position that pays for his housing, At least he has to become a citizen if he is not already. You ave to establish in America first before home join his towns community meeting so you can get to know people from his town in case he acts up they will put him in check.

Mrs, Chima:

Okay.  I was confused with the statement, "you belong to me because you didn't have the wedding ceremony". 

What is your wedding culture?

Interesting. 

Well, before marriage, the groom traditionally has to ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage. The father approves or disapproves (although, admittedly its more a formality these days. Even if the father says no, the girl will still marry whomever she chooses) At the wedding, the father walks his daughter down the aisle and hands her off to the groom, signifying that he has "given" the responsibility of caring for his daughter to this man.

In my father's eyes, none of this happened, so he still bears the responsibility of caring for me.

I can't lie to you and say that my family has been super traditional, cause we haven't been, but I was always kind of like the "golden child" in my family. The one my parents pointed to and said, "look what we produced despite all our disfunction". And honestly, I don't know where I got all my traditional values from, but for some reason I'm the one expected to adhere to them.

Tosinville:

lol, am wondering also do African-American folks i mean those living in the US alone have their our own culture too?

Of course we do! All of the African diaspora have their own unique cultures in their respective regions that developed through adaptation of their environments. A lot of the African influence remains in tact, but some aspects of tradition have been lost through the generations. For instance, speaking of AA's, we have developed a society of single mothers and blended families. The value of strong family ties has been corrupted through the methodical disintegration of the black family via the institution of slavery. Blacks were often not allowed to legally marry, and the state of the black family was always in jeapordy as members of the family could be sold off at any time. Young female slaves were offered incentives such as higher food rations, or lighter work in return for breeding more children. It's a value we've not yet fully regained. (I studied AA history in college)

American culture is when u sign paper you are married black american women stay close to her family usually when getting married  girls family sponsor wedding it is similar to 9ja in other regards. Americans divorce easier they can leave at the slightest mishap Black American can struggle with you and come up and family background is important mostly in upper class AA family. Like in 9ja elite family

dtanigwe:

Well, before marriage, the groom traditionally has to ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage. The father approves or disapproves (although, admittedly its more a formality these days. Even if the father says no, the girl will still marry whomever she chooses) At the wedding, the father walks his daughter down the aisle and hands her off to the groom, signifying that he has "given" the responsibility of caring for his daughter to this man.

In my father's eyes, none of this happened, so he still bears the responsibility of caring for me.

I can't lie to you and say that my family has been super traditional, cause we haven't been, but I was always kind of like the "golden child" in my family. The one my parents pointed to and said, "look what we produced despite all our disfunction". And honestly, I don't know where I got all my traditional values from, but for some reason I'm the one expected to adhere to them.

Yeah, some people back in the days used to have "gentlemen ball" and during the party, a man would go to the parent and "introduce himself" and request a hold on the girl.  The hold lasts for several weeks while the parents discuss with his family on terms.  

If both families comes to an agreement then the boy "steals" the girl and a proper proposal is in place.  However, the girl have the right to decline the proposal or accept the proposal.  Some parents talk to their girls before making a decision anyways to prevent public embarrassment.  

Some families in Haiti takes their girls to the fattening rooms which some men prefer their wive to be larger in size.  

It is interesting each family have their own "wedding cultures".

Calaba Nigerians does the fat house too?
Wine Carry is nice one guy at africanhealer.org he does wine carry.
Most people I know have big expensive weddings in the states it never lasts
Being married is about understanding just be a good women and you will make a good wife
Always put your husband before anyone even your parents. Only you come first before him.

9jagirl4re:

American culture is when u sign paper you are married black american women stay close to her family usually when getting married  girls family sponsor wedding it is similar to 9ja in other regards. Americans divorce easier they can leave at the slightest mishap Black American can struggle with you and come up and family background is important mostly in upper class AA family. Like in 9ja elite family  

So true. We have a saying that "a daughter is a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son til he finds him a wife" the concept of actually belonging to my husband's family is so foreign to me. Sometimes men stay very close to their families here, mostly their moms, and when that happens it usually causes a very big problem in the marriage of the son because the mother doesn't like the wife and will actively try to break the couple up. Women who are isolated from their families once getting involved with a man are usually in an abusive relationship.

My mother came from an upper class black family and I guess you can say she married down when she married my father. My grandfather did not approve. She now lives as an ostracized outcast in her family.

It is unfortunate that your mother is ostracized in the family however your family should look at her happiness and safety. 

Meddling family members are responsible for a certain numbers of divorces in America.  People always want to question why you married this person and why you are not going along with the family flow?  I mean it is crazy how some families can't see that marriage is about two people and they should be honored to be part of that marriage. 

We all wants the best for our family members, but we should be realistic when we are judging the other person.  Are we judging because we are jealous and lonely?  Are we judging because we are unhappy in our relationship so we are going to make yours hell?  Are we happy that she/he found the person to grow old with?  These are some of the questions some families formed and wonder why many families are estranged. 

We don't have to like their choices, but we should respect that who they have chosen to be their spouse and make the best out of it.

I know it will be hard to understand because it is a different culture. I hope your man does not let it bother him because it happens in 90% of marriage. Please never say my father thinks this or said that never let him think you are telling them your personal marriage business. They will even say he is controlling but if you want to last with an Igbo man forget your family and focus on him I am telling you the truth if not will break I have both sides close up for over 20 years it is a serious issue and the going home thing is a big one as well. AA can be a little judgmental when it comes to 9jarians without understanding culture. Put your man first pamper, him love him good, talk sweet, give him hot sex, and he will move mountain and earth that is Igbo man Lion blood!

Mrs, Chima:

It is unfortunate that your mother is ostracized in the family however your family should look at her happiness and safety. 

Well, turns out Father probably did know best in my mother's case. My dad (though wonderful to the kids) was not a good husband to my mom. He was quite controlling, verbally and physically abusive, unfaithful, and a drug abuser. She stayed with him for 20 years before finally divorcing him. Her second husband turned out badly too. they were together 10 years before he divorced her. So as you can see I am very concerned about how to keep my marriage standing. A healthy marriage relationship has not been modeled to me. Many of my marriage ideals I gleaned from observing my pastors and other spiritual leaders, and extended family like my mom's siblings had. All of her siblings are still married to their first spouses for 20, 30, even 40 years.

I pity you @ poster. LISTEN TO YOUR DAD and be happy in life.

you told us that he works very hard, but I want to ask, what's the nature of his job?