3 Offenders are standing infront of the judge
Judge: the 3 of you have been found guilty of this crime and would be sentenced to death.. You all have 3 choices
1- a gunshot in the head
2- death by hanging
3- receiving syringe shots of the AIDS disease

Offender 1- i would prefer the gunshot in the head
BOOM!! he is dead
Offender 2- i would prefer death by hanging
SWOOSH!!! he's gone
Offender 3- i think i would go for those syringe shots of the AIDS disease

He's given the shots, and surprisingly, he starts laughing
He asks for more shots.. more shots of the disease are injected in him and he's laughing more
The judge puzzled, asks y he is laughing and he answers "You fools, didnt u know i was wearing a condom!!!"

WHO'S D FOOL?

Hard To Handle
This guy goes into a hore house and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him.

She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.

He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him.

She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.

He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you.

She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in.

He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.

As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".

She replies "MOOOOOO"!

The Bear and Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

There was dis guy who wanted to take breakfast, so he went out to buy eggs. When he got back, he cracked one open and was surprised to find it empty. He assumed it as error of nature and cracked another one, only to find it empty again. He cracked all d eggs open but they were all empty.
He got furious and went to d shop where he bought d eggs to lay his complain. They said it was a lie and he told them to break their eggs. They did and were surprised to find them all empty. They too got mad and went to d poultry where they bought d eggs to lay their complain. The owner of the poultry said it was a lie and they told him to break all his eggs and when he did, all of them were empty too. It was a mystery that they couldnt solve.
Suddenly, two chickens just passed, saw them and said to d other chicken "see dis mugus, dem think say dem smart abi? Dem no knw say we self don dey use condom"

i humbly nominate maself.. Element G is still d best and d bomb of jokes section..

una wey don tey for hia go knw say na me bring d revolution of jokes section,

IF IT AINT ME... NA COUNTERFEIT UNA CROWN THEN

Dis one na die ooo.. which levels na

Glad u liked it

El lol ur nt okay man.. Cnt believe am just seeing it after a lng tym:-D:-D

Tnx guys
@bashy, no mind me jor, na busy tinz hook me down.. Nw am bak 4 real

ur gonna love dis poem about s-ex, huh girls am sorry if it doesnt favour u dat much

Rhyme: The sadness of sex

Kissing's a pleasure

Fu-cking's a game

Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

He says he loves you, and you believe it's true

Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain

3 days in hospital, a child without a name

The baby's a bas-tard

The mother's a LovePeddler

This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore

Naughty Johnny

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job".

The Two Ants
There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

Been a while and i guess its time to storm the section... I'm bringing back one of my best threads ever in the Jokes section... have fun reading

Mommy's Black Sponge
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her womanliness.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!" !!




Do Hearts Have Legs ?

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

A Man was on high speed, he got to an Army checkpoint without slowing down, so they told him to park his car and ordered him to carry 1000 blocks from one Side of the road to the other side.
After carrying 900 blocks, he noticed that their 'Oga' was his Primary School classmate, so he went to complain to him, The Oga was really angry with what his Boys told his Long time classmate was asked to do, So he asked him ''have you started carrying the blocks?, the man said ''I have carried 900 already, so the oga said" Please don't be angry, ''RETURN THEM''.

A Man was on high speed, he got to an Army checkpoint without slowing down, so they told him to park his car and ordered him to carry 1000 blocks from one Side of the road to the other side.
After carrying 900 blocks, he noticed that their 'Oga' was his Primary School classmate, so he went to complain to him, The Oga was really angry with what his Boys told his Long time classmate was asked to do, So he asked him ''have you started carrying the blocks?, the man said ''I have carried 900 already, so the oga said" Please don't be angry, ''RETURN THEM''.

FOLLOW THE BELL RHYTHM!!!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

BIG MESS UP!!!
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

CRAZY GIRLS MISUNDERSTOOD

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

0 to 200 in 5 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!!"

more to enjoy

more to enjoy

free to add urs... one of my nice collections

nice one @ poster

nice one.. got me laughing

She holds it with her hand and tries to put it into the hole but it wouldn't penetrate, then she licks it with her tongue to make it wet and stand firm. She then tries to put it in again and this time it enters smoothly.... its not what you think, she's just trying to fix a thread in a needle, may God forgive your dirty mind.

Tell me.. i got u right? WHAT WERE U THINKING

lol nice one @poster.. i really like dat one

Lol dude.. Did u lyk copy d whole thing ni

Grab ur calculator and
try dis! Ur shoe size can
tell ur age!:O
Try it and see...Here is
how it goes!
1. Take ur shoe size
2. Multiply it by 5
3. Add 50
4. Now multiply by 20
5. Add 1012
6. Subtract the year u
were born
You will get a 4 digit
number. The first 2 will
be ur shoe size and the
last 2 ur age...
Hope it makes u
wonder..

seriously... i think d joke is good but too bad i aint a gurl, would have given u an answer

@booqee... nah girl.. it wasnt really meant to be a joke.. just a fact it remains, u want some joke? all u gotta do is ask dear