MAURI:


That's a million dollar question. I remember I was on a flight from Lagos with a stop over in Frankfurt. You need to see the way people were acting so disorderly like illiterates. We got to Frankfurt and you need to see the way the same people started acting orderly and sane. I don't know if it's the naija environment but we change once we enter Nigeria.

I would like to start by commending the positive projections and ambitions you have for motherland. I am sure majority of us feel he same way. speaking for myself, I feel very passionate about this too.

The bolded above partly answers your “quoted” question. Let me just add something little to corroborate this, it is very simple; people require different skill-sets and behavior patterns to thrive in different settings. If you look at the prison system, violence (negative behavior) is what gets prisoners higher on the ladder of hierarchy.
Generally, negative behavior has become the norm in Nigeria. Look at the political landscape, look at our institutions of learning, look at the judicial system, the police force etc
The Chinese and Lebanese people you have sighted of being successful in Nigeria, do you think they are in Nigeria cos they love Nigeria? And I can tell you that the sort of illegal activities most of them engage in, they will never dare come close to half in their home countries cos they know the consequences.

Sighting having a family as part of the reasons for not taking the bold step to move to Nigeria and start the changes you proffer to me, is a lame excuse. If middle class Nigerians with families doing well in Nigeria can take the bold step and move abroad can do it, you can do it too.

Note, it is not everyone that remains in Nigeria that will make it, and neither is it everyone that moves abroad that will make it. This is a fact of life! You did mention that without taking the necessary risks, nothing happens / changes, I would say, let those who want to take the risk of traveling abroad do it, cos they will never know without taking the risk. This might even be the eye-opener they need to develop similar insight as you in terms of developing the urge to appreciate our culture, tradition and all the other positive things our country has to offer. And through this realizing how important it is for us to develop our country. Because shifting base presents people with the chance to see things differently. What you see in Nigeria, is that large majority of the people are just enduring and getting by in serious hardship, and too much endurance breaks people. That is why we have so many desperate people in our country. Despite this, I share part of you ambition, that there is always chances / opportunities to make progress.

I agree with much of what you have said. But not the bolded part. Perhaps you do not understand why I mention my family, but it is to do with basic planning and risk management - this is one of the main points I have made.

Many have travelled abroad without adequate planning and that means they have not been able to manage risks well. Some have travelled abroad and were happy even when risks materialised because the upsides were more important to them (money and infrastructure etc). Every man and woman is called to plan well for their own home. You cannot decide what is a good plan for my own home as you don't know the risks I identified and the plan to combat them. I have analyzed the risks of Nigeria (the ones I know of anyway). If I was single the risks and things I would have to plan for would be far far less. As I am not single the plan is more complex. For each of my family members, I must put the correct things in place and will move once my plan is finalized. Also, as a wife, I don't act alone. I play a supportive role to my husband who ultimately is the head of my household. If you find this lame - so be it. God gave me this family and I take them and my vocation as wife and mother seriously. Not all wives and mothers do, I know. If Nigeria is as bad as you claim it is (and I have not disagreed with you), it is an intelligent thing to plan if you have children and a baby especially (even more so if you have identified any health needs that need to be met). You yourself quoted the health sector and how many doctors are leaving Nigeria and making waves in USA. This is not good for anyone who wants to live in Nigeria is it - unless, they are planning to build or invest in hospitals back home like the Indians are.

My own personal opinion is life as a whole is planning. You see it all the time, those who plan well in their youth are often better of as they grow old. Of course there are many exceptions, but if you don't plan then what are you expecting to happen? It is some people's nature to fly by the seat of their pants and for others taking a well planned and considered approach is the only option. I believe whatever your general nature for big moves/decisions like this, success is closely linked to the quality of your plan and preparation.

Affordablerent:


Gooday sir, I have a friend who relocated a few years back. He couldn't get any meaningful job in his new country and spent years as a cleaner. He wants to come back home but he's ashamed as no money to prove he went abroad, he even sold his father's land before travelling. Now he's so broke and full of hate. Sometimes, I suspect he's on Nairaland posting hateful comments because of frustration. Don't be surprised at people's behavior, I must say some people are acting that way for different reasons, jealousy, hate, ignorance etc. I respect you Sir

Lol. Thanks.

Olalekank:

To be honest, I support your movement. The country has done me bad but if there's a way for us to change, I can do it.

Where exactly do we start from?

My brother, I don't think anyone knows but questions like yours are what intelligent people ask.

Ha. Good afternoon. There have been a lot of posts here. I am not going to quote them all.

To all those who wish to leave Nigeria and feel they have the means to do so. Go ahead. Just plan well and you will be fine. But don't assume just moving abroad will be fine, do it in a well-informed and structured way. My question remains, if you leave and take care of your own family only, since you know this will not improve Nigeria, is there anything you believe you can do to improve Nigeria?

I personally believe every person can have an impact, for some they need the funds to do so, for others it's the right knowledge or support, for others it's having the time to do it. For others it's a combination of these things. Those who are complaining Nigeria is so bad because of the government (which is true), when you move out (after planning well) and making a successful life for yourself, do you believe it makes sense for you to invest back home for your own descendents to have the choice to go back and even your neighbours who were not able to leave with you? What it sounds like to me is people are happy to leave (fine) but think it's strange for someone who is abroad to help communities back home.

If potential investors in the diaspora and even in Nigeria are reading their thread they will give up on Nigeria. I do not give up on Nigeria because I have seen poverty and want to alleviate it, I have witnessed incompetence and wish to correct it.

I would love the government to change and be the government Nigerians deserve. But I believe, it may take a long time and we don't have to wait for that. We can make changes ourselves. Those changes might be small, but once successful maybe others will follow suit. As I said before, someone has to make Nigeria good for those who remain there (either by choice or by circumstance)

Also please note incompetence exists all over the world in every profession. If you have done your research (highly recommended), you will find not everything is guaranteed once you leave Nigeria and perhaps you will not only be ready but can protect yourself.

On a personal note, I find it very disappointing that people who actually believe in making Nigeria better are attacked whilst people who call Nigeria garbage are supported. If you live in Nigeria and are suffering, and I mean really really suffering. Who will affect your life positively, the naysayer who plans to leave the country and NEVER look back or those who want to help Nigeria (either based abroad or in Nigeria - even if that person feels they need to leave first because of the current condition but will eventually help Nigeria)?

hotD:
I have a cute daughter today because of d US government,i was walking around while pregnant with a very high bp and a protein level of +4,this wasn’t detected in nigeria and to believe i was going to one of d so called best private hospital,thankfully i left for d US,my next ante-natal date was supposed to be in a months time back home-02/10,i was in d US 5/9 i had my baby 3 days after i got to d US,my first
visit in d hospital,it was all detected and i was induced to have d baby cause they said she was in distress...if i was back home i wld have been walking around maybe till i collapse or something let me mention dat at some point i was bleeding and when i got to d clinic they told me no doctor to attend to me,dat he was in wardrounds
My husband use to be a diehard fan of nigeria but dis my experience changed his life forever, dat was when he made up his mind to leave dis country.

Wow. Congratulations on your latest addition! Thank God you and your child are both well. Sounds like you had amazing doctors in the USA. Please make sure you rest a lot, after almost 9 months and having an induction I know you must need the rest! I assume you are a citizen there and won't have to travel back with the newborn? If not please wait until at least the 6 to 8 weeks postnatal check for yourself to confirm the high BP has gone or is being well managed since the doctors you had back home were not up to par (your BP could be pregnancy related and will hopefully disappear).

Let's pray Nigerian hospitals improve, I can imagine how many have lost lives already at the hands of inept doctors. And the fact that more doctors are leaving every day, what happens to those who cannot afford to travel out for medical care?

I wish non-medical doctors could own hospitals in Nigeria, I would have sourced investment funds to do such and perhaps many others.

omolakesi:


Hi, I am going to ARU for MSc in Town Planning, I will be in Chelmsford. Please I would like to know how easy it is to get a Part-Time Job? I will also like to know the cheapest way to move around.

In that area there are some shops like Sainsbury's but it is a predominantly white area. Your best bet will be to look for a carer role earning about £7 plus per hour. You should be able to contact agencies. This will allow you to get 20 hours of work. After this you can look into security roles or fast food/store assistant roles.

The cheapest way to move around in town or outside of town (like to London)? The only transport methods available will be car, taxi, bus, tube, train and bike. Or course bicycle will always be cheapest. You may need a car depending on where you go to as the bus system wont be as regular as that of London.

ttmacoy:
That's a million dollar question. I remember I was on a flight from Lagos with a stop over in Franfurt. You need to see the way people were afrint so disorderly like illitrates. We for to Frankfurt and you need to see the way the same people started acting orderly and sane. I don't know if it's the naija environment but we change once we enter Nigeria.

Most of our leaders studied abroad or have kids abroad and travel a lot. They all act differently when abroad and when they return they revert to acting like crazy people.

Yes, many people are influenced by their environment and in fact many others change once they are in the presence of non-Nigerians. The sad fact is, they are still the same person. So if they could act this orderly in Nigeria, would Nigeria not be a little better off? Human beings are so complex!

As for those leaders, I believe they show their true selves in Nigeria and they do not play up abroad because someone would actually hold them accountable for it. Overseas those in positions of authority see them as just another black man or woman.

Olalekank:

I'm sorry I was talking from a myopic point of view. I was generalizing the cases that I have seen and have heard. In fact I haven't met any investors. Kindly forgive me for that.

I have ideas both in technology and real estate.

@Olalekank - No problem. Life is too short to believe every thing people say. Try it yourself, have a pitch ready based on your business plan and look for investors. I can't give clear advice over where to look since I don't know exactly what you are into but a google search brings up:

https://vc4a.com/

I am also interested in those fields as well as some other fields. When you have a business pitch feel from to PM me at the very least I could point you in the right direction as I plan to run an accelerator program in the future or maybe I can even invest.

otokx:
Some Individuals and groups are tryng to bring about change in Nigeria but are inhibited by the general rotten mentality.

Education and Religion that ought to change the general rotten mentality have been corrupted.

Things are not looking good at all to the enlightened minds.

This is sad. And I believe it is true.

But, can I ask what happens when those individuals with rotten mentalities move abroad? Do they remain the same and sink or change their outlook and swim? If they do change abroad, why can't they do so at home?

Beautyaddy:


Looooool!!!

Are you still minding her(ell77)? As they say, "talk is cheap"

Some posters here have made the same suggestion that her preaching will only carry weight if she decides to go back and live permanently in Nigeria. It is only then that all her preaching to make individual changes in Nigeria will be taken seriously.

So do you believe individuals and groups cannot make change in Nigeria?

Olalekank:

Please help me tell them ma'am.

@ell77 said something about someone being an IT whiz and irokoTV thingy. Me self I have ideas that I believe should fly.
Startup something, look for fund, nobody would support you. You did your best, look for investors, none, the government nothing. I doubt if Buhari knows what startup is yet we want to grow technologically, in health, security, education yet there are no plans.

No plans to move us forward. Now I have friends who I thought never even "thought" of going abroad applying to schools just to "start again".

Where did you look for investors and what industry are your ideas in?

Olalekank:

Please help me tell them ma'am.

@ell77 said something about someone being an IT whiz and irokoTV thingy. Me self I have ideas that I believe should fly.
Startup something, look for fund, nobody would support you. You did your best, look for investors, none, the government nothing. I doubt if Buhari knows what startup is yet we want to grow technologically, in health, security, education yet there are no plans.

No plans to move us forward. Now I have friends who I thought never even "thought" of going abroad applying to schools just to "start again".

Where did you look for investors and what are your type of ideas do you have?

maternal:


If you hold another passport other than a Nigerian one, you're not fully a Nigerian. You're simply a Nigerian by convineance. These dual citizens need to stay in their lane. If you won't stand infront of these revolutionary changes you're suggesting, nobody will take you seriously suggesting them in the back of the line. In short come full ground to naija and start the movement or be quiet. It's easy to be positive while in a well developed U.K. And abroad is sweet; at least Canada.

@maternal - Although the rest of your comment is obviously not well thought out at all. I do agree with the part I highlighted in bold. If I was a single woman, I would already be there. Trust me. I have so many ideas, and when I do come, I hope I will be able to create as big an impact as I envisage. Millions of people read Nairaland everyday, and unlike me, some may be in a position to relocate to Nigeria, set up shop and create that change immediately. If they listen to all the negative talk and no one speaks up for the positives like myself and some others they will not come home and the jobs they could create, problems they could solve and people they could help will not be helped.

Some questions for you. You don't have to answer here if you don't wish to. But please carefully consider it:
1) If you leave Nigeria (I am assuming you have never left Nigeria for more than 3 months either), will you no longer be a Nigerian?

2) Also, will you not think about how you can help out back home?

DanXplore:
I am currently doing an Msc in Advanced Process Integration and Design at the University of Manchester and i am making plans to relocate permenently to Canada.

Reason:

The nigerian government does not have a blue print neither does it value excellence. With what i know, I am sure that I, as well as many other professionals could put heads to provide solutions to some of the problems in the refineries that would increase the throughput. The refineries need a total overhaul. More efficient state-of the art refineries need to be in place if the cost of production is to be mininized and value added materials increased. Even though the government know this, their very inefficient bureaucracies will retard funding. Even if funding manages to tunnel its way out from the goverment, there are so many sheep in wolves clothing waiting to chop and clean mouth. I even have reasons to believe that some of these problems are largely artificially created. Our very short-sighted politicians will contrain those who are genuinely willing to provide their best to alleviate the current unpleasant predicament.

I like your thinking. Yes sabotage is one of the greatest barriers to development in Nigeria right now.

hok4u:


So an average graduate who earns 40K monthly salary and still being owed 3 months salary is not working hard in his country?

Or the civil workers in Kogi state and many other states in Nigeria being owed close to 6months salary are not working hard in their country?

How do we "work hard" in our country to enjoy a "very good life"?







Please note: You don't work hard you work smart.

I really love this!

This is exactly what I am saying, Nigerians work very hard, in fact I don't know of any race that works harder. I'm talking in terms of household maintenance, studying, going to work etc. But a lot of what we do as a nation is based on the status quo. Are we just doing what our forefathers did (not all of which is relevant although a lot is) or are we working smart? The founder of IrokoTV is a millionaire because of a very simple business idea. He was broke in UK living in his mother's basement and through legal innovative business has changed his story. He partnered with someone to achieve this. I know someone who is an IT whizz whose friend told him the same idea years before IrokoTV was even in existence, the IT Whizz said "it would never work", he is still enjoying his 9 to 5 and I am sure that friendship may have ended by now! lol.

The point is, a lot of people are travelling to Canada now, for some it is simply because it is also a new trend, a new status quo. People always say it won't work, instead of how can we make this thing work in Nigeria!

I have met cases of such in Nigeria where people are working smart, but we need more people like this

Saintp:


I understand your point of view but you don't have to blame people who see their future outside Nigeria. The people who should inspire and lead this country to greatness don't even believe in the country.
From the President to senators, governors, ministers to the least political leaders go to hospital abroad, have their children school abroad, vacation abroad, have properties abroad etc.
We are soon entering graduation period, by May June, you will see these idiotic leaders showcasing themselves with their convocating children abroad while the average Nigeria languish in dilapidated schools and you expect an average Nigeria not to aspire to go there? It is not all about money

I understand @Saintp. It really is very frustrating and it makes me angry and cautious of returning too. And I don't blame people for relocating at all. Afterall, I am the same ell77 who started the most popular thread helping people obtain tier 4 student visas in the UK!

The point I was just making is that making yourself comfortable in Nigeria by installing a solar panel is no more selfish than relocating (as long as you are not destroying the lives of others by doing so like politicians in Nigeria or Nigerians who turn to crime here). In both scenarios, it doesn't mean you are helping anyone outside of your household. Nigerians in diaspora or at home can help Nigerians.

Right now, I weep for Nigerians abroad who did not plan well and ran with emotion instead of planning with logic, there are ladies in Italy doing unspeakable things and people in Libya and other countries being sold . These are worse case scenarios and extremes but those people would have been better in Nigeria. We must remember that not everyone can leave Nigeria as professionals, if the next government does not improve Nigeria and if all the professionals go and don't help improve back home one of two things will happen:
(1) Nigeria will plummet into a downward spiral (God forbid)
(2) Poor Nigerians will run to countries that are easier to emigrate to and fall into the same traps as those being sold in modern day slavery.

If you really feel you need to leave Nigeria to become empowered to help Nigeria by all means do so. But don't think that you can run from your problems have your country fall apart or let the world know you for being a nation of 419ers, prostitutes and slaves and think this will nor taint your own image amongst other nationalities who have invested back in their own kind. The truth is it will unfortunately. If you must leave, plan well, have a view to invest back home and encourage others to invest back home also. If we cannot return to Nigeria as a paradise, at least our children should have it as an option/choice. The absence of that choice to me is scary!

IbnIbrahim:
Recently I went to a diagnostic centre in Lagos owned by Indians, something just came to my mind thus: Nigerians are leaving their country but the Indians and Chinese are coming to Nigeria to invest, what an irony.

What are they seeing that we fail to see?

Exactly.

Check out:
www.vanguardngr.com/2013/03/why-primus-hospital-is-establishing-a-kidney-transplant-centre-in-nigeria/amp/

She even says India had the same problem or medical tourism and then doctors had to return to rebuild!

NeyofeedNigEnt:


I wonder why u are arguing with a typical Nigerian man. African will never understand until they travel there. An African man will leave a million naira job and travel oversea 'African Mentality' yet they blame government. That's why our president call us lazy dude. African man will have over a million dollar in their account and spend all to travel oversea saying no light, no road, no security and end up working in a factory and find it very hard to pay bills. African man will be comparing himself with ronaldo saying he earn over 300million dollar a week, lol.
Problem with we Africans is that we just wanted to get rich fast without thinking otherwise. How many Canadian have 5,000 dollars is his/her bank account? You will hardly find one, yet we say we wanna live like them.
Can an African man live on debt?
Mortgage
Car finance and so on
There are many house at d gra close to my area which govt has provided available for civil servants but nobody is ready to pay mortgage everybody wants pay off.

The truth is. One way or another we all affect each other. I don't know anyone on this forum personally. Maybe there is a medical doctor that could one day treat me or a loved one if given encouragement to solve problems and make well thought out decisions instead of making decisions under anger caused a by a government that has let them down.

People get emotional. People make rash decisions. People feel like changing everything when they feel nothing is working.

I do agree with some of what you say. But the truth is many of those Nigerians travel abroad and do pay these things (although with much difficulty as they didn't plan for it). My thinking is they do this because they have landed and there is no turning back. A large number of them would love to go back or would have put the same effort into staying in Nigeria (although not all, many are indeed haopy for a long time). It is up to people like yourself to enlighten the people, who have yet to leave. There is nothing to say that someone could not leave Nigeria and return. But many burn their bridges and shame or lack of opportunity prevents them returning. I argue, because maybe it will help someone. Even if they are arguing with me! (I guess it's the mother in me)

HeWrites:


Don't mind me. Just angry that there's not point trying to defend this, shameless country.



Are your parents (if not both) not Nigerians.

No immediate family? Where are the younger ones? They have fled the country

You ain't married to a Nigerian?

I pray your decision won't affect the innocent kids.



My thought because you think the advise you gave would work which our government will never make to work.


I wish you good luck but I pray you don't regret your decision later.



If one don't engage in CORRUPTION here in Nigeria one's chance of making it is very low.

*my opinion*

Don't really want to get too personal on this forum, as I'm sure you can understand. But my parents, brothers and husband are all Nigerian and in Britain. Myself and my brothers were born and bred here. As a married woman, with children I can't carry my family of 5 and squat in someone's house when we already have a home in UK, that would be unwise of me. We are planning to purchase a home there. This is the first step. Even if we don't live there for some reason property is a good investment (if done well), I am flexible as I will most definitely have to gauge my family's experience so I would never sell all my worldly possessions and move without testing the waters and have a backup to the backup plan!

But I do know many Nigerians who have sold everything they had, quit jobs (instead of taking a sabbatical) and fled to UK, Canada etc. I believe there is risk in everything you do. A wise person will list out all of those risks and put contingencies in place in case things don't go according to plan or circumstances or aspirations change. Which they can and often do.

How many Nigerians rushing to Canada have good plans? [/b]If people discourage you from going abroad, don't argue. Simply ask then why, then list all the reasons they put on a [b]Risk Register, one by one, in your own time, assess the likelihood of it happening to you, how to guard against it, and whether it would really be the end of the world if that terrible thing they talked about actually happened to become a reality for you. Then wherever you go, you should be fine. It is much easier to plan for risks/problems/disadvantages you are aware about. Most likely the people complaining to you were never given the opportunity to hear of these problems or they decided not to listen themselves. Be wise.

HeWrites:


Oh! What an experience. How does it feels like?

How was it compared to the UK own? (the experience)

HeWrites, the experience was physically harder, but socially there is a lot to be missed about Nigeria. I am not saying that makes up for it. But I do believe with the right infrastructure in place Nigeria would be 10x better than any country Nigerians emigrate to. It is that dream that I would like to build for my children, for all of our children!

HeWrites:


Your 101% correct. Even not to talk of going to an airport before.


Nigerian needs a less corrupt leader (young and fit) with little or no corruption records and should be cruel so that he will order the killings of all the old cargos that ruined the government.

Well HeWrites, I pray a new uncorrupt leader who actually wants Nigeria's progress will enter the seat of power. But since independence have we had much of these? I don't want my great grandchildren to grow up repeating the same sayings their great great grandparents said "when will Nigeria reach its potential...". It seems a never ending cycle. Surely someone can break it. I personally have given up on government for now, I am more interested in what I can do.

HeWrites:
I'm challenging you to come to Nigeria for vacation and stay at least 3 months if you won't think of running back

cc; ell77

HeWrites, I opted in for youth service in Nigeria and worked in Oshodi, Lagos for the year, I used Okada and Danfo to go to work every day, I fetched water from a communal well when the communal tap was not working and carried the buckets up three flights of stairs to the apartements. I won't lie, it was difficult! I did without a generator surviving on NEPA, with low immunity for malaria I consistently caught malaria and even typhoid.

My parents are here in the UK.

The countries you believe are so good for you, I am certain you have not visited them for more than 3 months.

HeWrites, if you want to make waves in life, turn whatever anger you have (however justified) into a positive force to make change in your life and of those around you. Nigeria is difficult in many ways, only a fool would argue otherwise. But the question I am asking is what is the solution, or is Nigeria OUR COUNTRY, simply a lost cause?

HeWrites:

The governments are greedy

Those in diaspora has to struggle for survival and also don't want their offsprings to suffer like they do since the Nigerian government never care if anyone exist, poor, lives in pain or not.



I do. Please speak for yourself.

And can you tell me why you don't chose where you were born; Why can't you just come back and live the rest of your life here!


No one is denying anyone here.

Why do you write so angrily HeWrites? I am not Buhari?!

To answer your questions, I do plan to live in Nigeria, HeWrites, but unlike you I have no base there including no immediate family. I need to start from scratch with a house and accommodation, my husband and three kids who need to sort out schooling etc.

I actually don't have anything against people moving abroad (which is perhaps what you think). It's just sad that Indians, Lebanese, Chinese etc can work together and come and succeed in business in Nigeria whilst Nigerians who are already doing well (not those suffering), are moving abroad and may not remember those left behind or invest there. Well when I start my business in Nigeria hopefully I will alleviate some of these issues. It is difficult to start a business when you have no base there though, you do need to find strategic partnerships and that is why I am not there already, I have not found any like-minded people. Not that they don't exist, but I currently don't have access to them by virtue of distance.

Well, I wish everyone travelling to Canada the best of luck, with proper planning you can make it almost anywhere in this world. But if possible, invest back home not just for the sake of other but yourself.

maternal:


Did you give all these advice to your parents? You do know there's a reason you were born abroad ? Do you think it was a mistake ?

HeWrites:


I won't take you serious.

Don't stay over there and be giving advice. Please come and be living here in Nigeria so that we will face the suffering together.

I repeat my question: Why do you think it seems so impossible for us to simply work together (irrespective of government)? This extends to those in diaspora? Neither of us chose where we were born, I cannot deny you as my fellow Nigerian even if you wish to deny me.

HeWrites:


Quick question, if you have the 20M are you going to do that shii you wrote. (easier said than done).

If you can, the money you're earning every month (that's if you're working) slash it by two and be keeping half of the money. After a year, go and use the money to open a company where you will be employing people. And if you think you can't do it alone, be sending me the money.

@HeWrites - That is where innovation comes in. I am not expecting Nigerians to all become Mother Theresa, but we should move from a win/lose mentality to a win/win mentality. If you read what you emboldened you will see the idea is simple - the problem is finding like-minded people. I would happily do this if I could find like-minded people and we would make profit whilst benefiting our society (new job creation included). However, I live in the UK (born and bred), when next I visit I hope there will still be Nigerians left in Nigeria to discuss solutions with and ACT ON THEM!

Relocating is fine, but where does it end?

You move with your wife and kids.

Then what about your parents back home? They will need medical care as they grow older, if all the doctors are leaving for the UK (and hospitals are a death trap) that is a worrying scenario. Will you import 4 grandparents to stay with your children. What about uncles and aunties, cousins etc. Those who have reached positions of success are uniquely placed to change Nigeria. I firmly believe the private sector can change Nigeria, and in fact, that may be our only hope for now!

Why do you think it seems so impossible for us to simply work together (irrespective of government)?

Saintp:


Black people are too self centered, you just confirmed it and this is why we can't develop as a nation. We care only about ourselves, ourselves and ourselves with no regard to others and the larger society.

So you will be happy that you have solar and inverter and have 24/7 light while your neighbors wallow in darkness. Some people have bought SUVs to minimize the effect of bad roads, some have surrounded their house with 12 feet wall, nails and barb wires to protect themselves from bad people and they are happy thinking this is all to life.

Until we start to value collective and society progress instead of individual progress, this country will remain a shithole. The difference between us and the western world is that the value collective progress, you don't need to be rich to enjoy basic amenities, you don't need to be rich to call 911 when in danger to get immediate police protection and many more.

At the end of the day, it shouldn't be about money. I prefer to be in an environment where things work for all irrespective of whether they are rich or poor than to be in an environment where getting the basic things of life will depend on how rich or poor you are.

I appreciate your point on collective effort, but if families who are well off enough move out of Nigeria to Canada and the rest. What happens to those who cannot leave Nigeria. To myself both methods have elements of selfishness and perhaps moving out of the country and leaving others behind could be argued to be just as selfish.

The only way for such progress is for Nigerian people to rally together (this includes those in diaspora). I am not against anyone going or staying though, I just wanted to highlight this point in your otherwise good argument.

Look at it this way if 20 people who are earning N1m per month came together and sacrificed 3 months salary (not at a go), they would have N60m to invest in starting up something that would provide a decent service and generate profit. i.e. shared solar services, donation of a solar panel to a local hospital, scholarships scheme etc. Yes, as you said, we need to value societal and collective progress - WE REALLY DO!

jelmusboy:
Where is a cheap and nice place to hangout in Manchester?

Church

Sorry I couldn't resist

Interesting. So what's the solution?

GraGra247:
I saw this very useful childcare info on Facebook. Please share to save a child from future abuse:

HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS U NEED 2 TEACH UR CHILD(REN) AT EARLY AGE:
1: Warn your Girl Child Never to sit on anyone's laps no matter the situation including uncles.
2: Avoid Getting Dressed in front of your child once he/she is 2 years old. Learn to excuse them or yourself.
3. Never allow any adult refer to your child as 'my wife' or 'my husband'
4. Whenever your child goes out to play with friends make sure you look for a way to find out what kind of play they do, because young people now sexually abuse themselves.
5. Never force your child to visit any adult he or she is not comfortable with and also be observant if your child becomes too fond of a particular adult.
6. Once a very lively child suddenly becomes withdrawn you may need to patiently ask lots of questions from your child.
7. Carefully educate your grown ups about the right values of sex . If you don't, the society will teach them the wrong values.
8: It is always advisable you go through any new Material like cartoons you just bought for them before they start seeing it themselves.
9. Ensure you activate parental controls on your cable networks and advice your friends especially those your child(ren) visit(s) often.
10. Teach your 3 year olds how to wash their private parts properly and warn them never to allow anyone touch those areas and that
includes you (remember, charity begins from home and with you).
11: Blacklist some materials/associates you think could threaten the sanity of your child (this includes music, movies and even friends and families).
12. Let your child(ren) understand the value of standing out of the
crowd.
13: Once your child complains about a particular person, don't keep quiet about it.
Take up the case and show them you can defend them.
Remember, we are either parents or parents-to-be.
and remember "THE PAIN LASTS A LIFETIME"

Very good write up.

shaybebaby:
I'm so sorry you are going through this @OP.
Yes it's not always going to be easy but you can take some solace that you are not alone, others have been through it and some are facing the same thing as we speak.

Since your union is dead, it's okay to mourn the loss of what could have been. But never ever think that's it, your best years for you and your little ones are yet to come.

I know it is heartbreaking to hear them ask for their dad, do not shatter their little hearts with the truth whilst they are too young. Tell them, daddy is busy finding himself but loves them. Take the time to reassure them that you will always be there for them.

Don't worry too much about being mum and dad, love them to the best of your ability and surely that will be enough.

Now is the time to decide the sort of future you want for yourself, refuse to be a victim of life. Reaffirm that you will never let another dictate the outcome of your life. This mindset will give you the strength to overcome challenges as they come.

I am a single parent too (ish as in divorced) with a son. Since the time it happened, I have cried, been frightened for the future but I have still forged ahead. In the middle of divorce proceedings, my child was diagnosed with autism, but I somehow managed to keep going, returned back to get a degree, graduated with a first class, bought my own home, found love again.

Maintaining a civil relationship with ex is tricky but I always tell my child his dad loves him and still make sacrifices daily so they can have a relationship.
I do not know what the future holds but each day, try to find a reason to be thankful. Give yourself credit for the littlest things you do for yourself and your kids. From keeping them safe for another day to making sure they do not go to bed hungry.

We often take these things for granted but they are enough reason to hope for better things. Stay strong mama bear.

@shaybebaby I am taken aback by your response. There were good responses before yours but yours hit the nail on the head.

@OP - I really do feel for you OP, but for the sake for your children and of yourself allow them to grow without anger/resentment against their father/world. If you can do this you will have a happier life. This is assuming you don't enter another relationship immediately. You also need support from family and counselling but remember your children are an amazing blessing. They love you and you are irreplaceable to THEM!

GoodKay:
Wow! Im almost 5 years in marriage with 2 kids and expecting a 3rd and i can say its not been an easy journey and especially when money no too dey, e no go easy o. I usually hear ppl make d statement that they wount marry a man that is not comfortable enough to cater for he's wife n kids, I never believed in that statement but believed that if u love, marry and with time things will smoothen out but now e come be like say that statement make sense to me now. I and hubby earn around same amount, about eighty something thousand monthly, he handles rent and stuffs like electricity bills, fueling car, gen, car repair and some others while I take care of feeding for d whole house for d month, provisions for d month, d childrens school snacks, creche fees/assist with school fees, filling gas monthly and other stuff I still fuel sometimes n do elect bills once a while. When I put to bed now, it will be my duty to cater for all d baby's needs, pampers, wipe, clothes, food etc but my complain here is that despite all these, whenever I attempt to mention to my husband that my money is short for feeding I receive all sort of insult that I don't know how to manage money, I'm not helping this family, etc etc. I don't look good because I don't spend a dime from my salary for myself I spend it all on d house and d kids. I was to run a test today as after my last antenatal visit d doctor suggested that, when I told my husband about it and said I didn't have money, he said ehen just tell d doctor there was no money. And now am at home without going for d test after taking excuse at work. Our gas finished last night and stove is bad, my husband has gone to work early this morning leaving me n d kids without any means to cook and no money in my hand all. To feed a family of 4 monthly is not easy. Is there something any advice for me? I've started developing bp issues especially when my salary is finishing as it means feeding money is finishing because I know my husband will just relax and expect that its my duty to find out where to get money. Pls any advice to calm me down? No insults pls

Goodkay - your story saddens me. But the first thing I would like to say is congratulations. Every child from God is a blessing and you are blessed to have your two children and one on the way.

Things are hard now but they will not remain so. I know some people have said you should not have gone for number 3 and you may even feel like that at times but be rest assured this feeling will pass. You have conceived, you will give birth, you will raise your children. What I am most concerned with is your BP. Hypertension is the silent killer, you need to focus on your health as right now you are the backbone of your family from what I can see here. Some men blame others for their own inadequacies (some women also). I don't know your husbands condition and how much he has left after paying the rent and bills so I have no place to judge him. I can only advise you on the information given. Perhaps he is doing his best, perhaps he is not and will come around. Pray for him, pray with him and gently talk to him.

Get help from friends where possible. Then do the following:
1. Buy the famous okrika clothes (also for school uniforms buy a size up and take in at the waste and legs/arms, as they grow the uniform will grow with them - same with other clothes)
2. Spend a minimum amount per meal by eating mostly vegetarian food. Grow your own veg as well, this would make up the bulk of your soups/stews. YOU DON'T NEED A GARDEN, food can be grown in pots and even rice/flour sacks and so on. Please note you may need more pest control though if done inside your home. Ask people coming from the village to bring food for you etc. Use eggs, beans or crayfish for much needed protein for your children and yourself as a pregnant woman in every meal. Most likely you will limit meat, chicken or fish to one meal per day for 6 or less days of the week. Chicken liver is more palatable than beef liver and as well as acting like a multivitamin it provides protein as well.
3. Become the family barber/hairdresser (charge your husband for the service if he will agree).
4. Go to the market at the end when the prices are knocked down due to spoilage and people wanting to go home
5. Don't allow food to waste (reuse/re-purpose) and don't allow it to spoil - eat food that spoils quickly early (or avoid buying it).
6. Treat yourself occasionally, this includes exercise (running/walking) which reduces blood pressure, destresses and makes you more attractive. Exercise is also good for preventing the baby becoming overdue although if at risk of premature labour you may need to take it easy. Take natural remedies for high blood pressure especially hibiscus flower, garlic, watermelon and coconut water.
7. The family should drink only water.
8. Water down washing up liquid
9. Buy a solar lamp especially one with phone charging action if possible and never turn on lights unless guests come.
10. Don't encourage visitors - unless they are the type to help you or bring food (not the chop and clean mouth type)
11. For your baby shower, baptism, birthdays request monetary envelopes or items your children actually need (your best friend could pay for a sack of rice for the celebration of the party for instance, someone else brings chicken, your family member does the cooking etc).

I wish you all the best with your finances and a safe delivery. This baby shall be born, your children shall grow and will help at home more. By God's grace your husband will appreciate all you do eventually. But know that your Father in heaven sees you and also your children will remember all you have done. I remember mine, most people do. Relax and don't worry. When your children are older, it will be easier for you to start a side business also. But you need to live to see that day by dealing with your BP!

Wow! I don;t know whether to cry or be disgusted.

OP, you did show restraint indeed as I can imagine how you felt especially as the child spat on your table and disfigured your watch.

However, just to turn this argument on its head, have you considered there may be a learning disorder with this child?

I have heard of spoilt kids in Nigeria now becoming a reality but this is excessive. Although I believe manners and discipline are necessary for every child, perhaps this child has autism or Asperger's. Very rare, overdiagnosed and difficult to differentiate from things like ADHD or sleeping issues for instance. [Possibility 1]

Another possibility, are you sure this child was not acting up because he did not want his mother to visit you? As a male, perhaps he has been trained to protect his mother or otherwise is naturally protective of his parents marriage to the point he misbehaves in your presence so that his mother is forced to leave. Although this does not explain why the child was excluded from school.[Possibility 2]

Child abuse. Often the first sign of any form of child abuse is acting out (which can include neglect - after all why was he hungry and why did he enter the kitchen to get a snack for himself when two adults were there). [Possibility 3]

Of course I don't know this family and from what you described, personally I AGREE WITH YOU. But as this child is seven years old, it begs the question how and why he became so out of control. As a mother myself, I would look into this closely. If this is a simple case of spoiling the child, they are ruining his life, being excluded from school is a BIG red flag.

The good news is, if it is only a case of the parent's being a soft touch (unlike the other 3 possibilities), with proper support for the child this is easily remedied at this age. By support, I mean a combination of the carrot and the stick. The carrot being rewards for good behaviour (simple praise and spending time with the child are the best rewards, not monetary or materials items) and the stick being punishment or discipline as the parents see fit. The discipline has to work though, no point using a technique the child doesn't respond to (like the cold stone threat)!

What do you think? Are any of the other possibilities I mentioned a possible option?