₦airaland Forum

MONKEY CRIMES

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the
brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?"

"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

A bit lewd I'm afraid, but here goes.

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a fluting?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody, "

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie, I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this fluting."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the fluting or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'

INSANITY TEST

The doctors at an insane asylum believe that the place is becoming
overcrowded and decide to release some inmates who they think are ready for the outside world.
They devise a question to ask the patients to test their
readiness for the outside world.
The first inmate appears before the examiners and is asked, "If you were stranded in a desert and could have only one thing with you, what would you want?"


"I'd want a gallon of water so I would not become dehydrated," the inmate answers.

"Very good," says the doctor who is in charge. "You are free to go."

The next patient is asked the same question. He answers, "I'd take an
umbrella so I could protect myself from the Sun."

"Excellent," says the doctor. "You can go."

A third patient enters and in answer to the question says, "That's easy. I'd take a car door."

"And would you tell me why?" the doctor asks.

"It's only logical," says the inmate. "So that when it got too hot, I could
roll down the window."

Amodu should quit the SE for now.Reason:

1. He deliberately refused to see what every one else saw, i.e. these bunch of Eagles are in no mood to play for the Country. Why continue to rely on
these buch of players?

2. He lacks match reading skills. His substitutions are wierd and difficult to understand, his team plays no known match winning formation.

3. If he remains as Chief Coach, the same scenario will play it self out in South Africa 2010.We will be humiliated!

@D.A.V.E what bizness please?

@ Lawyer, I'm a legal practitioner my self and must say that this "AGENCY BUSINESS" of a thing has been bastardised in Nigeria.It is now an all comers affair, with all manner of quacks and charlatans finding thier way into the profession. Essentially, I would blame the Nigeria Institute of Estate Surveyors & Valuers (NISEV) for not checking the trend.Like other professions, it should be regulated! Any jobless man roaming the street suddenly becomes and agent and think its all about finding a buyer/tenant for a property, while his eye is on the 10% agency.There's more to just marketing a property.They cannot give the basic clarifications on the title to the property they are supposed to market, at most times they dont even know the owner as there is a long chain of sub-agents connected to the main agent/owner. If a form of ID/Verification can be introduced on this forum, BETTER.But I advise nairalanders to consult a lawyer/professional each time they want to do any transaction with these faceless people.You would be advised on what and what to demand/look out for and once they are not available, please SCRAM for dear life.Never EVER allow any agent put you under pressure to part with your hard earned funds.Be slow and circumspect until you get a clear picture of what you're about to lease or purchase.Sorry for this long post.Had to be very blunt on this issue.

Nollywood movies are so mediocre! Some time late last year, on Africa Magic, I actually saw a movie mid way (forgotten the title) but they were trying to "remix" A thin Line between Love and Hate (that featured martin Lawrence several years back)! It was all so amateurish, I just switched off and went to bed.

Sorry if its a bit lewd,,,


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she ask how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply--in on the Ding and out on the
Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that
damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

@Henricav-Ifeanyi Okpara is with Guardian Newspapers sports desk

Got these jokes from some where, thought I'd share them,

A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returns from his Middle East
assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I
was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is
virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to
speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters,

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally
exhausted and panting.

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were
pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left, "


WHY I DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR WORK

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to
empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would,
and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted tho cork
from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass,
which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down
the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork
from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank;
pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and
threw tho rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and
poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass,
bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I
steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses,
and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted
them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who
was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.


A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find
out for sure, we can't tell anybody"

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!

", How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files??"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have
to do is pay us,

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.


"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

A car was involved in an accident near Limuru, Kenya. As expected a
large crowd gathered.

A KBC reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly,

"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd
made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

@ Adeyemik-man u really cracked me up there with your response

MAD COW

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow
Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the
disease?"

Farmer: "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

Reporter: "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

Farmer: "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

Reporter: "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

Farmer: "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but
only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?


SUPER MAN

There was this very rich Ibo man in Nnewi who had only one daughter.
When the daughter was of marriage age, the father sent news around town
that all the eligible young men should come out on a particular day to compete
in a test which would determine who was fit to marry his daughter.

On that set day, all the able-bodied young men came out. Some came with
paper and biro and others with cutlasses, swords, bows, arrows and even money.

The rich man took them to his swimming pool and addressed the men: "any of
you who can swim from one end of this swimming pool to the other would
marry my daughter. In addition, I'll give him 15 million naira, a car and a house
so they can start of life well. I shall be waiting to meet my son-in-law at
the other side. Good luck!"

As the young men, all very excited at the prospect of winning, started
taking off their shirts, a helicopter came over the pool and dropped snakes
and crocodiles into the pool.

Immediately all the men turned back and started wearing their shirts again.
Disappointed, some of them said "make de man go marry im pikin joo!".

All of a sudden, they heard a splash in the pool. Everybody watched in
amazement as one gentleman struggled his way across, frantically avoiding the snakes
and zig-zagging past the crocodiles in lightening speed. Finally, he made it to the other side as the would-be in-law, panting. The rich man could not believe it. He asked the man to name anything he wanted.

The bewildered man was still out of breath and panting uncontrollably. Finally, he got himself together and stammered his request saying, ", abeg make una just show me the pesin wey, push me inside di swimming pool?"

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.

The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that penguin?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I'm taking him to the movies."
=============================================================================

Ahmed was a high-ranking official in King Akbar's court.

He had one long-standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's desire.

Every time he passed the Queen he got frustrated. One day, he revealed his desire to the King's chief adviser, Birbal,and begged him to do something about it.

Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that, afterward, Ahmed would have to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for arranging things. Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the Queen's bra, which she had left out while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the King's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that only special saliva,if applied for four hours, would cure it.

Birbal also added that such a saliva was only to b! e found in Ahmed's mouth.

King Akbar summoned Ahmed, and for the next four hours Ahmed violently sucked the Queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing, he got what he always desired. Satisfied, he returned and met Birbal, but since his mission was over and his lust satisfied, he refused to pay Birbal anything, and in fact he shooed him away. Ahmed, of course knew that Birbal could never report this to the King.

But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.

Next day, Birbal duly put the same itching lotion in King Akbar's underwear.

Ahmed was again called by the King ,
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Constipated Horse
A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick
the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

The farmer responds, "The horse blew first."

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house
next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe
in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a
magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his
lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new
neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly
man, opened the door.


"Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help but notice how
beautiful your wife is."


"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.


"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts
are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those
breasts."


The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears
and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few
moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.


"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss
my wife's breasts."


At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub
his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several
minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.


"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.


"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.


"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.


"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

A flight from London to Kano develops faults in Nigerian airspace.
Very worried, the captain calls the Aminu Kano Airport.

"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting
flight 007""Do you
copy?"

Kano tower:- "yes Alhaji Smith we cofi"

British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical
faults"

Kano tower:- "kai haba!"

British Airways: - "sorry tower couldnt get that"

Kano tower:- "okay plight 00Seben kan you tune fawa in
injin?"

British Airways: - "Negative, power in engines dead"

Kano tower:- "Walahi?"

British Airways:- "Negative didn't copy"

Kano Tower:- "Kan u kom down to altitude twenty
thousand peet?"

British Airways:- "negative tower, wings won't respond"

Kano tower:- "kai!"

British Airways:- "negative didn't copy that tower"

Kano Tower:- "okay da flane will kom down in som tym
due to low injin fawa,ofun yo taya at
altitute sis thousan pit, due 1st sebenty digri"

British Airways:- "Negative, can't activate the landing
gear"

Kano tower:- "Wayyo Allah!"

British Airways:- "awaiting order, flight 007"

Kano Towers:- "okay refit apta me"

British Airways:- "okay what?"

Kano Tower:- "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU
ANNA MUHAMMADAN RASULULLAHI!

I was slapped by a monkey, no kidding o

Hi, Ivory, can I have this info sent to solomonogbonja@yahoo.co.uk?
Thanks bro

"six months from the day of expiration. I relish that."

I believe it should be SIX MONTHS TO THE EXPIRATION OF THE TENANCY

Was at this location a few moths back with a client.Couldnt find any thing to buy.Have they finished the access road construction we noticed going on then.Good road access might be an attraction now.

You need to throw more light on this thing.How do you know the quit notice issued you six months ago by an "agent" was illegal?

The Olden Eaglets might be skillfull but they are not ripe enough yet for the super eagles.
There has to be a gradual tansition to the flying eagles, the u23 then the super eagles.
In this process, the needed experience would have been acquired.
There's no doubt that a few of them might end up straight in the eagles in the next 2-3years.
Stanley Okoro for example.His left foot would come in handy for the eagles sooner than later.]since the exit of Amuneke
Our Coaches have been "reluctant" to fill that natural left attacking gap in the eagles

There's always been this arrogant thing in Lukman Haruna's play.It manifested again in todays' game and cost us the match.
I hope this does not truncate his career as coaches may over look him henceforth.
In those days, even when nothing works in 9ja, our football teams would wipe "tears" from our eyes.
These days, not any more.
The Super Eagles have become super chickens
The Flying Eagles Fumble and Wobble
The Golden Eaglets now are clay eaglets!

I honestly dont think we should make a meal of other peoples marital wahala.
Lets leave them to sort out their issues without much publicity please.
Thanks

Is it automatic transmission please?

@funkybabay-Only a slowpoke would buy a property that has C of O from an Omonile without the consent of the real owner.
Such effort would be sheer waste of fund and foolishness.

I almost cracked up at that UBA Caricature

HOW TO OBTAIN CERTIFICATE OF OCCUPANCY IN LAGOS STATE

A certificate of Occupancy confers property ownership rights to an individual. It can also be used for securing bank loans etc.

Requirement & Procedure:

1. Application for Land Information/Land Information Certificate.
2. Two (2) Copies of Survey Plans.
3. Application for Private Certificate of Occupancy Form is done at the Land Use and Allocation Office, Alausa, Lagos.
4. The Application Forms is submitted along with the following documents:

a. Land Information Certificate
b. Receipt for Land Information fee
c. Receipt for Application form –N5,000.00
d. Publication/Inspection fee- N10,000.00
e. Capital Contribution-(As assessed by the LUAC)
f. Duly Stamped Land Purchase Receipt
g. Copies of current tax clearance Certificates of the individuals.
h. Development Levy receipt-N100.00
i. 4 passport photographs of the Applicant (without glasses, i.e. the passport must show the individual facial features clearly).
j. If there is development on the land, copy of duly approved building plan.
k. Newspaper publication is done, with room for 21 day period for any objection from an interested member of the public.

The compiling and processing is not this easy and clear cut, as the LUAC staff would have to conduct title search on it, inspect the land, write their report before the C of O is prepared, typed, and forwarded by the Executive Secretary LUAC, then to the Permanent Secretary, Lands Bureau and then sent to the office of the Attorney General, Lagos State.

Thereafter, the C of O is stamped at the Stamp Duties section, Ministry of Finance, sent for Registration at the Land Registry Directorate before it is released to the Applicant or his Solicitor. Please note that as is typical with civil servants, this process could take three months or more.
(Also kindly note that the fees here were as at 2008, might have been reviewed, but would confirm and revert back if it’s still the same).
Please note that if you have defective title to the property, this process does not cure any defect in title. Applicants for C of O are strongly advised to engage a Solicitor to make prior enquiries/legal search before any property is purchased by them.

The relevant legislation is Section 22 of the Land Use Act, 1978 which states that “it shall not be lawful for the holder of a statutory right of occupancy granted by the Governor to alienate his right of occupancy or any part thereof by assignment, sublease etc without the prior consent of the Governor”.

In other words, obtaining the consent of the Governor of Lagos State to land transactions is the means of perfecting title.

The following documents are required for the purpose of obtaining Governor’s consent:

1. A duly completed application made on Land Form 1c. The form must be dated and signed by the parties to the transaction and sworn to before a Magistrate or Notary Public.
2. A covering letter from the Solicitor/Applicant filing the application for Governor’s consent.
3. A Certified True Copy of the Title document of the property.
4. The sum of N10,500.00 made payable to the Lagos State Government representing charting fee, Endorsement fee and Form 1c.
5. Four copies of the Deed of Assignment with survey plans attached in each copy.
6. Photograph of the property.

There after, the document are sent to the Surveyor General’s office for charting. If there are no defects in the survey plan, a clean report is sent to the Lands Bureau and a demand notice is issued to the applicant for the following fees:

• Consent fee-8% of assessed value of the property
• Capital gains tax-2% of assessed value of the property
• Stamp Duty fee-2% of assessed value of the property
• Registration fee -3% of assessed value of the property
• Current tax clearance certificates of the parties to the property transaction. If you have none, an assessment is raised immediately for you.
(Note all these fees are paid vide bank draft in favour of Lagos State Government and receipts are given for these payments).

In all this process takes at least three months to conclude if you pay your assessed fees on time and there are no queries in your file. Please note that if you have defective title to the property, the consent process does not cure any defect in title. Applicants are strongly advised to engage a Solicitor to make prior enquiries/legal search before any property is purchased by them.

HOW TO OBTAIN CERTIFICATE OF OCCUPANCY IN LAGOS STATE

A certificate of Occupancy confers property ownership rights to an individual. It can also be used for securing bank loans etc.

Requirement & Procedure:

1. Application for Land Information/Land Information Certificate.
2. Two (2) Copies of Survey Plans.
3. Application for Private Certificate of Occupancy Form is done at the Land Use and Allocation Office, Alausa, Lagos.
4. The Application Forms is submitted along with the following documents:

a. Land Information Certificate
b. Receipt for Land Information fee
c. Receipt for Application form –N5,000.00
d. Publication/Inspection fee- N10,000.00
e. Capital Contribution-(As assessed by the LUAC)
f. Duly Stamped Land Purchase Receipt
g. Copies of current tax clearance Certificates of the individuals.
h. Development Levy receipt-N100.00
i. 4 passport photographs of the Applicant (without glasses, i.e. the passport must show the individual facial features clearly).
j. If there is development on the land, copy of duly approved building plan.
k. Newspaper publication is done, with room for 21 day period for any objection from an interested member of the public.

The compiling and processing is not this easy and clear cut, as the LUAC staff would have to conduct title search on it, inspect the land, write their report before the C of O is prepared, typed, and forwarded by the Executive Secretary LUAC, then to the Permanent Secretary, Lands Bureau and then sent to the office of the Attorney General, Lagos State.

Thereafter, the C of O is stamped at the Stamp Duties section, Ministry of Finance, sent for Registration at the Land Registry Directorate before it is released to the Applicant or his Solicitor. Please note that as is typical with civil servants, this process could take three months or more.
(Also kindly note that the fees here were as at 2008, might have been reviewed, but would confirm and revert back if it’s still the same).
Please note that if you have defective title to the property, this process does not cure any defect in title. Applicants for C of O are strongly advised to engage a Solicitor to make prior enquiries/legal search before any property is purchased by them.